Peeling Myself

Build God

2012-01-26T11:54:00.006+08:00

people are moving forward. it is that time of the year again - watching the people whom you enjoy working with, or not - leaving. sometimes we are just not given the right time to raise the inner voice in our head. for i am glad where i am at present, still i wish i could have been at more places. places where the inward journey is achieved.

like everyone, i am not getting any younger. i for the first time in my life, feel like am beginning to find God. the strength is so empowering i feel like having someone in with me in this. life is so beautiful when you are able to feel.

during this Lunar New Year, I was home and it is never enough. as cliche as it is, the parents deserve more happiness and good health.

please please give me the opportunity to fulfil.

From Last to First

2012-01-01T17:29:00.003+08:00

2011 ended in a good note. it has flown by too unbelievably fast - only till the month of October last year had i realise it was actually 2011. it feels like i was just making a sheer appearance and now it is already a new year, it is now 2012.

perhaps i was really so caught up with my own world - i did not even realise i have not been posting for more than a year. it shivers me, there was nothing left to say in year 2011, at all. procastination must have taken over me - more so, the hustle & bustle of the City.

it was a big transition for me. i have had few diversions from the usual to the current. it is indeed a new year, i am amazed by my own actions in a flashback. with the risk that im taking, i know as hell challenges are bound to be. i cannot say that i am ready but i am absolutely willing to face the consequences. come as it may, i am contented with who i am today.

thank you life.

flash from heaven

2010-11-09T11:03:00.003+08:00

perhaps so tied up with work. and with nothing. i dare not face myself.

this catatonic body in troubled waters is killing me diligently. i need my inner strength back. people are happy in their lives, why am i not? nobody cares.

it ain't one of those days until i cry.

love all; hate none

2010-08-05T09:34:00.004+08:00

as i hover my mouse to the 'sign in' link, i am totally oblivious to the exact date that i last posted in here. i know it must have been quite awhile. my dear readers perhaps no longer do their routine drop-by anymore. especially with the likes of Facebook, Twitter, Tagged and whatsoever, you name it, not that im attempting my best to catch up with trend. i only have a Facebook account for that matter. call me whatever you like.

please excuse me, i know its ridiculous to say that, oh im too busy with this and that, and i have no time for my blog. bullshit, they're all excuses. i have learnt that im sorta running away, so far from grace. i am too childish to be independent. i dont admit that i feel fortunate at times. i dont admit that i do feel pretty sometimes. in retrospect, i practically only complain about life and have never come to treasure the things that im blessed with.

thank you so much for being so patient with me. im learning how to live, i wish i could grow old with you-know-who-but-i-doubt-if-you-would-ever-read-this. i want to be appreciative. i want to be a better person. personalised and captivated by wisdom, i will learn to love to live, to love.

i hope you hear me.

alwys

2010-06-06T17:59:00.002+08:00

i wish i could turn back time. there are things i have said and i alwys feel like saying the same thing over and over again. am i being too stubborn? righteousness is a positive attitude but i guess its taken its toll on me. there's no way i can see light again.

people think im young. perhaps the problem lies in me, i will never have that kinda life i wish i had. it aint fairytales darling. lets face it. this is your life, it is my life.

im getting way down. he told me if i carry on with the right attitude and i will go far. there's alwys price to pay darling, sacrifice to make or rather. what kinda path do i wanna choose? is this that kinda question whereby evryone would ask? doesnt it sound cliche to you? to me, hell yes and i actually find myself being immature right now. i dont need anyone to tell me what to do, i know wht is right and what not.

i wish i were 10 years older.

it was with me.

2010-02-28T01:10:00.003+08:00

and i got it. im contented and im relieved.

its another passage. i cant wait any longer to see the real me.

***

i used to wish i could be a better person in your eyes all of the time. i know though no matter how hard i try i am still gonna be me and it doesnt change the fact that i am all alone in this. you didnt knw what i found out all along thinkin we were set but boy i feel so sad for you this time, that nothing's gonna bring back the old days.

cuz i am now awake.

blood. sweat. and Fears.

2010-02-22T08:21:00.003+08:00

no matter how much you yearn for something, making prayers everywhere you go, keep frowning over things that aint gonna happen, you are still gonna face it someday. perhaps something good. be brave and face it carm! why am i so such a coward? like cats are eerie to me, im not afraid of taking new challenges.

then again, desire chanced upon the curiosity in the minimal fragile heart. first, give me that, give me the opportunity to pull through. tinkle me with that wink of your eye, tell me i can make it at least. these sleepless nights are killing me day by day. i keep thinkin about it. i keep going on shopping spree to release the tension. oh well, you knw me, its merely an excuse to buy new things. i admit that. though i have no idea why i think i deserve this that i neglect all the other beneficial offers and the very fringe benefits from different parties. call me pigheaded, or just simply being obstinate sometimes (hell yeah, only sometimes lol) i only want this. nothing else.

and just for the record, i support Steve Jobs but i think Microsoft should launch their own phones too as suggested by newscaster, Bill Rigby in Seattle. i suppose a lot of ... people (lol) out there would be longing for it, perhaps i will try out but.. but but.. not to the extent whereby these 2 newyorkers got married in an Apple store for being too deeply in love with each other and the Apple products. ah, jokers. lol.

well..

maybe i will fall but i knw i will make it this time. wish me luck.

whatever apologies you make sometimes are just never gonna be enough. i wish i could help. spare me some time darling.

there's ths thing called - anticipation

2010-02-16T14:32:00.005+08:00

people say, 'to await for the opportunity' but it doesnt come knocking at your door. it doesnt stop at your door. you might get the bell, but not the knocking, all the other rest, you just gotta grab hold of them yourselves. no one but yourself.

i did all tht i've gotta do. now its time that i waited for the last chance. there are things in life, i know i need them so much but in most incidents, i dare not raise my voice. and there i let them slip away. so far away from me, i do not regret. i just move on. at least im making my best attempts here. it is funny we have to make decisions, i swear its the last thing i want to do, right, decisions fail us sometimes. but there's alwys another window that's open for us. whether u want to close it, it all boils down to your own hands.

this time, i let it open. i walk the line.

down to my last

2009-12-24T03:50:00.011+08:00

perhaps i dare not face the brutal reality. perhaps i really think ignorance is bliss. perhaps everything is secondary. perhaps everything is merely details. what is the point?

keep wondering why, why and why. but alwys, there isnt answers to the questions i ask. it has become a cliche but there ain't anythn we can do about. im tired of this sickening hesitation. should i? would i? or could i?

do you see you're all i need? im alwys emotional. accept me for who i am. dont try to change me. i will learn as i grow up. and i will appreciate every single thing i've learnt. i gotta be alive when im sober.

a question always pops up whnever the new year is near: new year resolutions, anyone? i believe evryone has at least one. whether or not its achievable. you gotta have it. make one if you dont have yet. great years ahead man, good luck!

i knw i hv been blessed. i thank You. cheers.
merry christmas and a happy new year!!! (yes, its a norm!!) luvyah!! =p

ps: gonna celebrate during xmas 'n have a blast on new year's eve, you have one too!! till then! peace out peeps!!

crap

2009-11-25T00:15:00.001+08:00

its been awhile. havent got time to blog. and i've just come back from a long trip. tht was great but i miss my family so dearly. so so desperately. i wanna go home again.

then im sick

2009-10-17T13:57:00.003+08:00

aint it funny? i've finally fallen ill. people, im sick!

and im sick of the things around me. i seem to be living in denial; denial in disguise. i hate this feeling, when is it gonna be subsided? im awaiting for time to come. and why do i have to face this all alone here. well i can say i have made a lot of sacrifice so far. if you yearn for something, you've gotta surrender some of your belongings. and then you weigh it yourself if it is all worthwhile. what about it? do i still have you in my life? having said that, i guess i only need my close friends to make it on my way.

it seems i am frantically not very happy with what i have - the way im being treated. im sorry i pray for Karma.

im still here

2009-10-15T02:34:00.002+08:00

time goes by, so slowly that i dread myself to wake up. it all boils down to this fuckin reason that i cant sleep at night. i mean how could this happen to me, ever? believe it or not, i have not been having good nights lately despite the excessive spending on this and that. that's just what a girl does, nothing special. i practically rely on these to escape from my daily dull routine. i've fallen into the edge of darkness. whatever i do looks wrong to me.

i walk around trying to understand

2009-10-09T02:48:00.002+08:00

shouldnt you be amazed or havent you wondered why i didnt blog on my 21st birthday?? ah, did i just mention it, hell yeah im officially 21. im 21. wht the heck. i dont feel like it. in spite of the many many friends celebrating birthdays in october, it just feels like an ordinary day slipping subtly away. and i didnt have complaints. just like any birthdays you celebrate, you're bound to receive gifts. in singapore, i dont have many friends. having said that, i did receive some from unexpected people. really grateful of their kindle thoughts. i dont know why but i know im blessed. unfortunately im afraid of the day where i wouldnt get any gifts from god. if you love me, i would appreciate it even by a mere 'happy-something'. i do, really do. believe it or not, i cried myself to tears the moment i got the greetings from certain people. not just any other friends.

right now during this earthly hour, i keep calling jet but he's not giving any response. i wish i could help. perhaps he's too exhausted. the fatigue that one has to go through when things dont always go your way, and yet you just have to pull through. i totally feel it. constantly indeed.

someone please hear me. sometimes, i hate myself for being me.

life's a bitch.

2009-09-23T01:06:00.002+08:00

i have no idea why im being treated in such an unjust situation and what have i done wrong? why do they have to do these things to me? am i not strong enough that you gotta cast a spell on me, that im blinded by the randomness, that i have to go through all of these and realise something else on earth? if yes, please do, im ready and i wont let you down.

and right there, as i read again of what i've just written, i feel so immature. you can call me childish. we have first world countries, third world industrial countries as well as developing countries. i think, i might as well be labelled as one developing human. a human being that needs decades just to prove to herself that she's capable. or perhaps not. she knows well that it all lies in the hands of god, the future. who can predict the future? nobody does.

i dont even have time to procrastinate. always in the midst of searching for excuses, making attempts to run away from reality. im such a big fat coward. the fat one. that the ass is unadjustable - that cannot be moved - the ass which cant me moved.

how will i knw

2009-08-21T23:58:00.004+08:00

every sip of absolut ruby red reminds me of so much.. not the good times but the otherwise.
and i keep drinkin'.

well, perhaps im just tryin to make a big turn in this one-way street. if all the people in the world were to be born with a lil bit more etiquette, it wont ever trigger the nerve-wrecking situations; anywhere, anyhow. having said that, without it we tend to lose some kind of consciousness. we actually care for the people around us, very much. we just dont realise it until its gone. i know its a cliche to say this, but im constantly out of my mind. i am always being carried away by the hustle and bustle of the city. if you wanna talk abt the Orchard Road, go ahead.

i cant let go. it's the problem with me, i can never let go of something.

i hate myself for being too compassionate. it worths no standing ovation but of something if you're really goin through, you feel extremely terrible. believe me, you'll be doomed to a condition whereby nothing seems to rhyme.

please show mercy. thankeww.

how many times a day

2009-08-04T00:23:00.003+08:00

there are the things that we dont understand in life, and i still dont understand. im gonna start babbling about life again. perhaps im a really boring person or some nuisance struggling so hard making an attempt to have better days in life. and then you start to ponder; you work so hard, by the end of the day, are you really sure if thats wht you want, if thats wht you have been craving/dying for? is it all worthwhile after all the drudgery?

how many times a day do i have to fall down?

someone please hit me a thousand times every morning so that i will not cry at the end of every day alone here in my bed shrinking so enormously tiny having too much thoughts in my head. and is it true if we laugh too much we will then cry? and if God exists, does He have to be so fair to us? stop telling me its one of those days again and again, only if everything is so easy to be fixed. dont worry about me, im not in a mess.

im just thinking too much.

and anything can happen even without your most foolish knowledge. you dont know what you have done wrong to be treated in some really unjust manner sometimes; most of the time. what happens to the nostalgia good ole memories? have you forgotten em all? i believe all of us have gone through some really unforgettable experiences. those memories will stay forever. as long as your spirit does, they will. as distressing as it might sound, i dont wanna believe in memories, i am selfish, i want to have em all close to my chest. and there, then again, what do i do to make it happen? nothing. hate me because i have alot of lame excuses to my alter ego. and hoping to feel better. or not.

i hope i could really live my life believing in the phrase "carpe diem". sometimes in life, in whatever aspects, you just need to seize the day. perhaps i should not take things too seriously. i have been trying my best, so much, to apply that in life ever since i was exposed to this phrase whereby robin williams played it so well in Dead Poet's Society (take some time off for this movie). i am always grateful for the ones who constantly instill wisdom in my head - you definitely knw who you are if you're reading this and if this triggers your feeling, thank you so much. you knw i love you.

dear readers who know me, even only by name, i fell umpteenth times and still alive vigorously kicking. make it good, be better. dont you cry, you know you can count on me whenever you need me. just let me know.

love it or drop it

2009-06-19T11:22:00.006+08:00

i will not start off with something that bore you readers this time by saying how lifeless i am or how pathetic i am because i might not be the same again. some people say im naive or too innocent but.. i guess not. let me just prove it to you, no worries, neither will it be verbally or in written form. time will take the lead.

life, oh life. life's like a cyclone; there're ups and downs and that, indeed is the cycle of life. you probably think im rambling again this time huh, well, perhaps? i met this 3 tourists from London and we started talking. i must say i love their accent and the way they put on their yves saint laurent shirts on, woof, they're so charming! haha, yes its abit dramatic but as the conversation goes, we started talkin about life. i appreciate what this guy was trying to convey to me but heck, he's a guy and im a .. girl? or lady.. or woman.. or whatever u call it, i cannot just live THE WAY he does!! and its not something that's in your mind right now, it is something more, something more profound than what you got in mind.

and it is those times like that, that you dont feel like ending the conversation but.. you're running outta time and you gotta leave!! i dont wanna talk about what we have shared but the thing thats in my head now is not how charming they are or how hilarious they have been.. but to fathom the beauty of life. and how disappointing it is sometimes. by god's grace, he chance upon the opportunity of letting u guys meet, get to exchange opinions and having a motivational talk, the next big thing you knw is that the moment can not stay any longer. it just had to end.

it is not what you want; by force or by chance, we just have to move on to another pages of our lives. for evryone that i meet, i open another book for them to fill in rather than continuing with another chapters because i believe that evryone is so unique that we do not knw if we might bump into each other again and it might take your lifetime to finish the book. a chapter is a chapter, you will not go to somebody to tell someone which chapter you find most interesting, instead you recommend the book to somebody and it is then up to them, whether to get the book to find out for themselves or to miss the train. by the same token, if you try to read one of the chapters in a book, you might not fully comprehend its content and yet it might even backfire - you dont really know what the chapter is all about and you get confused.

sometimes you just have to let go to discover something more. perhaps it doesnt promise you the best life on earth but at least you will not have regrets in life. as william penn expressed his touch of kindness - i expect to pass through this life but once. therefore should there be any kindness i can do for someone, let me do it now for i shall not pass this way again.

# next to an irish dublin bar: the impeccable interior of moie.

allen Allen

2009-05-14T00:18:00.007+08:00

no im not talkin abt lily allen.. no offence lol

i know this is insane but im so in love with Kris Allen.. haha i found myself falling in love with him when he first started singing Falling Slowly. i mean it has always been my favourite, who in the love of God, would sing such a song in a competition like american idol? lets not talk abt britain's got talent's susan boyle or the likes. kris certainly has my vote!! mentally lol.

and i dont even care if Ms California Carrie Prejean would still keep her overrated crown after all the topless photos and comments about gay marriage. they are just, phew, good-for-nothing. Donald trump's just deemed the racy photos as acceptable and to call them 'lovely'. ahh. i mean, she's hot. lol havent seen her in those photos though...erh.. yet!! not yet lol perhaps someday out of the blue, or perhaps not. i gravely have no interest in all these but for KRIS!!! hello???

look at him.. aww.. lol

kicking a good start

2009-04-28T21:56:00.004+08:00

its so hard to face walking home alone. when there's no one at home expecting you back, gravely you dread to reach home that soon. therefore i will always find myself end up taking bus home. it is not because its cheaper but it takes longer time to reach home. ridiculous isnt it, in fact, taking bus home is more expensive than takin the subway. i treasure long excursions. yes i do.

as usual as it is, i went for carls jr for a hearty breakfast. yes i knw they always come in large portions but i dont care. as long as im happy, right? i do have friends here.. i cant comprehend why i should feel this way but i really miss home. even if im home alone i will never find myself being lonely. i was always as busy as bee, living that kinda hustle and bustle way of life. in comparison food from home is always better but in other regards things down here in singapore are undoubtly more audacious and interesting.

its just very difficult for me to trace back that state of grace in me anymore. very difficult. i didnt treasure the life i used to have; the hectic life i was leading. i have always been making complaints to the alter ego about how others are having the time of their lives but im not. perhaps its just those days again whereby this kinda feeling is hitting on me again. Geez!

Aaaaanyway, after the breakfast i went home straight. the unusual me, i didnt doze off once i got on the bus. in fact, i was wide awake, yes after the looong night, i was still energetic and as i passed by orchard road, i was thinkin to myself if i should hop off the bus. you knw, doing the thang girls do. yet i didnt. i was just being a real slacker at that point of time. oh well, not exactly, cuz i got a date late evening and i knew if i had gone down, i wouldnt have enough rest. so there, i surrendered to the daylight.

Got home and took my long shower. Coping with stress, i slept and woke up for dinner with my friend at NewYorkNewYork. shoud you have interest, check it out here cuz i didnt feel like taking pictures of food today. anyhow, it was awesome and the waffle was mouth-watering. very good experience there, thumbs up especially for the ambience and the music!

i realise so much has changed whereby i try to do so much but nothing seems to go my way. evrything backfired; still does. shall i give up? or should i carry on striving/struggling? or will i understand?

i gave and give the best in me just so things would turn out well. there's just always a - [but] in a sentence and its NOT a good thing babe. love me or hate me, i beg to differ.

hate this part right here

2009-04-16T18:06:00.004+08:00

no i wasnt singing. its just that i really hate that part that i gotta come up with a freaking title for every post. and yes i know i have been missing in action for like centuries, that's only because im too busy recently. or all the time. lol but i'll manage my time, no worries.

i was sick for 3 or 4 living days and now still recuperating from sorethroat and a heart break. let's hope evrything will be fine. however it is, it all wont stop me from giving myself real treats, for instance going to steamboat buffet tomorrow or visiting the nearest franchise of carl's jr for some really lovely hot breakfast even when im sick or even gobbling down some really hot noodles. gosh talking, oops not talkin, even thinkin about it and typing em out gives me hunger. shall we stop poverty? haha, okay im kidding.

about the other carl's jr day, i would call it a Carl's JR day due to some really incredible incidents for example hopping on the same train which is all decorated by its latest THICKburger to and fro. ahh, SO FATtening and oh SO FILLING!! that's like another Tassie Tempter sorta thing, jet, if not the Bro's Funky soul BURGER or the likes from Burger Got Soul. geeeez, i would love that if i could munch on them right now. should i fly to tasmania for BGS? lol. we'll have further discussion on it and gaahh, i still havent gotten my postage of mexicana-flavoured DORITOS!!! Damn Singapore for not having this flavour. i dont care about spicy nachos or whtever cheesy flavour they have, knowing i love cheese hell lot too, heck!!! talk about FOOD!! fine, im gonna have my friend who's goin to Perth soon get me some, hehe..

i shall upload some pictures and you'll then understand and agree with me callin that day a Carl's Jr day, well, if you're aware of it, Mr Edison Chen is actually the ambassador for this Thickburger, which he actually came down to singapore personally for it and thus led to a huge disparagement. should you ask me anything in regard to that im afraid i have no comments and i dont invade other people's life.

you wanna know why they're all empty seats? cuz i bought em all up. believe me, im trying to crack up some crap. and i know i defectively failed. lol it just happened to be the last station in an early morning and there i took the chance to take some shots. yup, that's simply the reason why!

that's the Thickburger that's made from 100% Angus Beef!! =]

this is actually The Burger but it's covered and i cant help. lol. it's SO GONNA GET MESSY!!

And there, the guys had their Big Breakfast rather than trying the new Thickburger like i did. enough of the tease, i know, yes i was the only girl and i finished evrything. Must i shout it straight to your face that not evry girl can NOT finish a carl's jr combo meal, i CAN, i totally can. and i would like to instil something to your mind too, girls are not meant to have only small portion of food. i TOTALLY hate girls who pretend they lack appetite and that they cant finish even the small portion of food served. as for Carl's Jr, i will choose to forgive you despite some really blatant fact that THEY COME IN A REALLY LARGE PORTION!!! lol. adios.

the best deception

2009-03-17T21:16:00.003+08:00

if only these can make me feel right again. when the down times hit you, even munching on your favourite food will not be able to swallow the dark pride.

for better or worse i didnt wanna make it to the end.

she is wondering how people can live life without much worries. unlike so many other people.

oh really?

2009-03-01T23:25:00.002+08:00

i didnt think i was this close to insensitivity. perhaps i shouldnt have raised my voice. or rather, they should not intrude my personal life; who are you to tell me what to do or what not; heck, even my parents dont do that. they care about me in their own unique ways.

people love the way i am.

i have so much serendipity on you that you gotta put on masks every single morning before you make any steps. poor boy, is there even someone who truly appreciate the man behind? dont get me wrong though, i dont hate you because hog's breath gave me a reason to smile =)

readers, i'll prove myself right. teehee.

192 hours too late.

2009-01-09T15:38:00.007+08:00

there's a reason why you're not anticipating my posts and you're forgiven for this matter. lol.

**********************************************************************************

we're stepping toward another new year, how's that appealing/appalling to you? people everywhere are talkin about new year resolutions, if you dont have one, go get one, the list i mean. im like, wth, i dont have any intentions to list em all out. perhaps its not the just right time for me. in this instance, i beg to differ.

you could say, well, i've been really so effing busy or hardly can find time to pamper my blog. take a look at my forged latest posts below, with the pictures alone leading the walk whereas every other blog is already welcoming the Ox year and making the final goodbyes for the year 2008. if you're interested, you'd probably be banging ya head on the wall, thinkin hard to yourself making an effort standing in my shoes. uhm, its not about time making new year resolutions but what you have done over the past year, and if you are contented with it - its reversible. personally i wouldnt mind admitting 2008 was a blast for me. having the flashbacks to myself, a disparaging blissful beam says a thousand words at this moment now.

christmas time`

2008-12-24T14:29:00.005+08:00

hello all you people out there, merry christmasss!!!!!!
it's been awhile since i last blogged, as in really share whatever mixed feelings that i've been having. mind you, it's never been amazing. i was kinda all by myself. well i am not making complaints. its just one of those days, y'knw!

having said that, i still managed to make some time off, had a little joy with my friends. how awesome life could bring when you're just off the rack, living life like there was no tomorrow. so there, we made our ways to orchard road, yes again! well, there's no other place that is yet to be just as marvelous as this over-rated spot here in singapore. everyone just squeezes their ways there, even if it means ya have to be treated with unsatisfying stares around. oh well?

HOLA! that's our place man! no one would ever be intruding your life business when you're at the Living Room with a bunch of bitches! oops, my bad, mates! sigh, life's likee that when you know that some might find it offensive, you know, unnecessary sorta courtesy~ lol.

***

do they know its christmas time at all? god bless.

some things are meant never end

2008-12-07T13:30:00.004+08:00

its pretty amazing to a third party to see how we've come the long way. we met during our junior high school years and then we were splitted into 2 totally different kinda cultural living differences by the universe. we then relied on the very over-rated media to help keep in contact. however, i wouldnt say it didnt work at all. in fact, it brought us together to meeting in sydney when i got there in June i suppose, and now you're right here in Singapore! woohoo!

after our hearty lunch at Pepper Lunch in Takashimaya with the sis, we then decided to grab a cuppa without the sis. lol. anthony has always wanted to be 'loyal' and following the norm, what mcdonald's... starbucks.. all the places we have been before. well let's put a full stop right there, aight? lol. thanks to my very noble persuasion, we then hopped on to the The Coffee Connoisseur at the Shaw House. lol.

that place is darn cool, i swear i'd bring you there as well if you, anyone of you come here, JUST FOR ME!!! =p

every sip of it relaxes off the every bead of perspiration you ever get. Geez, i feel like grabbing one at this moment right now! what extravagance to the sun!

anyway, have a great one touring europe!

just so you knw, im ill again. how often do u see me ill in malaysia? sigh. what could have gone wrong right here that makes me go oh so ya-oh-ooh?? im soo off to my bed now..

coffeemania Cartel, Carm?

2008-12-01T20:01:00.006+08:00

my first pose. i was really posing for this even when i was eating. its awkward i know. go on and laugh. that was just a courtesy! lol.

just for the record you might not know, oreo frap it is.

i'll definitely eat alll i can!! lol, not exactly.

for u jet, that drink's a bitch. im back to my starbucks/coffee bean. lol.

trying hard to be adorable. or likable. or you name it. lol

there are still plenty of pictures in malaysia that i dread to post. a part of me thinks that the longer i have them to myself, the longer the memories can stay within. had i known i could be more than just as captivating as the beach in the east coast right here. you know me, that kinda beach i like, lol.

the moment you seize

2008-11-25T18:41:00.002+08:00

its all about good memories. memories i dread to share. im afraid i might have to anticipate a couple of more months to face the real fun. its about the close ties among us that we share. its about love and appreciation. those days, i will never forget.

so here, it all ended in bangsar, malaysia. a great night out with the ladies i mean. uh. now that im miles and miles away, i will just have my fingers crossed till we meet again. genting highland for a thought? jeez, i used to hate tht place so much, uh no offence, but to find out right here and now, that i kinda miss it. only to know whom you're going with.

@ dhaven.

@ delicious, previously known as ms read.

@ fish n co.

all the places, worth going more n more times in the future. as for fish and co, i'll rest my case. that wasnt the first or second chance we were talking about. its about ITALIANNIESSSS, gosh i misss you!!! nice, you have no idea who you are this time. still, i miss you. =p with much love.

steal the moment

2008-11-21T22:33:00.003+08:00

sipping through the wine while indulging in dark chocolates is somewhat something that one would do when they're feeling low. so low. well, i did go back, to my comfy home. im still lingering to the memories. they just wont go away. time was running too fast, it consumed too much of me, i was lethargic. but all that, was worth it. i am just too lazy to jumble up all the thoughts in sentences to express with good impression; too many words, too little minds.

i miss home.

stay put.

2008-11-13T20:44:00.003+08:00

dont be freaked out. its just a wig. haha.. anyway i wont be doing any writing today despite the lack of time and my speechlessness. its wonderful to look at the christmas ambience right here though, you know you'll love it.

cant wait to go home.

deception

2008-11-07T23:08:00.004+08:00

ever since i got here, i must have to admit that i dont really take much time to ponder about things. all i do, is just complaining. im such a bitch. i no longer have such remarkable sense of sensitivity nor rationality. i wear a mask everyday as i wake up to the morning. i would say i am growing up, being ignorant. this is blatantly unforgivable that i almost let everything that used to be so precious to me, slip away. im watchin it as it fades yet my hands are still crossed tiedly to my stubborn arms with my wayward hair standing on the other side of mine that i despise.

i lie to myself so much that i almost surrenderred myself to the neverland. even il divo has come out with the very brand new album, the promise. as im listening to it, my goosebumps subtly move to their music as well. it always has such impact on me, perhaps im just too used to this *beep* mundane life that i could only make contact with the soul of the music. but i was the one, who has chosen this path, i know i'll have to carry on, until the end of day. even though there was no other concrete reason for me to be strong, i know that the family love will always find me home. grace like rain.

why should i lie to myself when i deserve a much better one? why am i still here when the desk is compiled with virgin papers? why should i shed a tear for you when there are so much more to life? why the hell did i only realise it when i cry?

because im a nuisance. halleluja.

dedication

2008-11-05T00:53:00.004+08:00

damn the fucked up connection. but i've promised someone i would make this post. thanks for the lovely esprit de corp. you knw what i mean, bitch! =p fake smiles i have there i know!

dining at Just Noodles, Suntec City. they have this kinda package that comes with free flow of drinks and icecream that sorta attract me n hann. lol.

lovely couple. in fact they're one of the very accomodating guests around. a real great pleasure to have bumped into them. hope to see them again.

i've been sooo worn out that i can barely even type. or if its better to admit that im just trying to hide the fact that im lazy. or busy as bee. well, apology on the not-in-sequence. lol.

amzd

2008-10-31T22:40:00.003+08:00

you'll be amazed once you look at this... the christmas tree is already up at raffles city.. i've been watching and it only took them 3 days to have it like that.. well, i'll just have my fingers crossed and observe what's gonna happen until the arrival of the day. please saythe magic word once you see this xmas tree. i hope you're thinkin what im thinkin.

this is where i went right after work to meet up with Hann. that's the FourseasonsDurian. i normally grab my durian pancakes there, its really delicious and i certainly drool over it! but today we went for real durian-s instead of the pancakes. hehe. gawd im full!! and i just had coconut for myself. hehe. =)

jeez, its gonna sound like im really into kids.. haha but seriously this cute lil baby looks like a total penguin, even the way he walks!!! lol yeah we actually call him that, but hey, look at the bugger, he just ruined my picture, didnt he realise? lol and penguin gave me a peck on the face for no apparent reason... well i just attract this kinda people... if you know what i mean and... cheers!

sigh. when i start to recall, i'm kinda down because i was late for an hour to work and my salary will be deducted.. damnnit!!

vivo vivaa

2008-10-25T22:22:00.008+08:00

no more story about andy dixon, we hugged and bid goodbye. even though there were few other pictures taken. hehe. will not bore you (to death) with my self-obsession toward certain things that i've already mentioned earlier on, and i know i shall not inch on them for the moment because there are more interesting things in life. different things can happen when a new day comes. in fact, river flows only once. we can never revive the moment we had, even though you think that was the duplicate, the truth is, river is not a river if the water can stay but flowing. if ever it does, its called either a lake or a pond, not a river.

just a random thought and here are some pictures of the day because today's pictures are much more to life than what i have in mind now. im feeling low.
this adorable little cute pie came by, i would embarrass myself just to take photos with her.

sigh, darn the person who took this for me!! look at the weakly taken shot! argh!

on the road to Lau Pa Sat, singapore's prominent wet market. erh, not wet at all, lol, just food. hold up, you'll get there, this is just part of the sculptures/buildings.

here you are. the Festival Market it seems!

food stall listing? as if people will actually look at it when they're hungry. haha, okay, so maybe its for people like me, to be sensitive about it and to grab a take on this.

so there! my food. well, frankly speaking, all blames on malaysian food for being so delicious. evrywhere i go, its all about its food. singaporean food, well, i shall remain silence, you'll do the ratings yourself aight? *winks* by the way, i wasnt the only one who gobbled down all the food, a friend tagged along too oKay!

haha. after that we decided that we pay a visit to Vivo City. the place was sooo vivo-ish, so bold. look at its price, of this red rock deli, it was at AUD 4.25 but look at this, its seriously ripping off our money that comes from beads of perspiration, its SGD 7.80 here, for god's sake!! and im aware of the import, i certainly know its not as much!

yeah, i forgot to tell you, that Candy Empire shop is in vivo city. yeah you're here, its the VIVO city~~~

please excuse my unkempt hair and disheveled clothing. didnt expect to have an outing today. and there, looking totally lethargic. because i was. still am.a place with very good artistically-designed sculptures.me - taking a good comfort seat. tired-lah! lol.

the wonderful sea. you know i love it. gosh, how i miss sydney's darling harbour!!! =(

i know i know, my pose is LAME. but please be focus on the background. im just so adoring it. what about you? or maybe i'll try harder in the next few pictures.

what about this? there's nothing for me to say, this is perfection.

awwww.....

pretzels from the candy emirates. oh wait, its Candy EMPIRE! lol.

he's finally on screen! i mean ahem, exposed! this is the-one-who-tagged-along, william! i guess he was chewing on the chunky pretzels. lol.

the cunning look, and naughty me! hehe.

in spite of the fatigue, this Miss is still not over the City!!! i'll be back, the day was too short i suppose!

secret mommy

2008-10-22T22:30:00.010+08:00

i was working late last night. i had an unexpected encounter, though, that i met up with this self-employed graphic designer. you get me, it doesnt really appeal to me with just the title. as i flip through the pages of the Life dailies only did i find out that he's gonna perform tomorrow night at the Esplanade as an electronic musician, the Secret Mommy, andy dixon is his name. i regret i didnt pay too much attention to him even then, i was talkin to him so casually but, nothing out of interest. anyhow at all, knowing me, i managed to grab the opportunity of taking a random picture with him when he got up the next morning to have his breakfast. and yes, of all time, i looked terribly horrible. you dont care, yes i heard you and i know. so here, here's the photo.
we were all deceived by his young look. thinkin he's only in his early 20s, but the truth says that he's born in the year of 79. haha, i even met him right after my shift as i was having my hearty breakfast with william, one colleague of mine.

well this one, this is for you, jet. i immediately thought of you as i was passing by this street. in fact, every single time i do. its on my way to the mrt station, back and forth. i know you still remember.

and for the love of my own dignity or recognition or whatsoever. i know im gonna have to love this, or perhaps someday, i'll grab one from here. all the more reasons for me to be proud of my name, and loving it. i know it doesnt seem like a big deal to you but it does to me at least. =)

brand new one to go!

2008-10-21T11:35:00.005+08:00

as promised, i will attach a few pictures of myself, in the new uniform. people have been having complaints of the bottom being too short, but for me, i guess you already have that silly little tinge of idea that, hell yeah, it's never gonna happen to me. but the otherwise always does. lol.

please get used to this lady.. most of the time, she's with me and im with her. so how about that? if you're a fashionista, you'd probably be like, " doesnt this look like the G2000 apparel??" well, go figure? i shall keep my mouth tied above suspicion. there're the ones who say i look like the SIA crew, ridiculously i just gave them a decent stare and told straight to them, " really? but im too short!" argh, being an air-hostess is not as wonderful as it seems anyway. although frankly speaking i dont deny i actually used to have this thought of joining the crew, i just am not destined to be and so, there, i figured a better life pursuing some other dreams. well, Dreams. lol.
his name is steven. he's from the maintenance department. i guess they play an essential role in the hotel despite the recent renovation thats being carried out during the day and thus appaling occurrences can happen. but apparently the management doesnt seem to look at it in this way but the other. well?

all thanks to jabez. im currently writing on the IT Outsource, might not have that much of time updating my blog. but for that, it will only take a few days. haha. even so, it still depends on my passion and the unexpected happenings right here. stay tuned for more aight, cheers!

ever i saw it

2008-10-20T12:02:00.004+08:00

my menstruation stroke me the day before yesterday. it wasnt expected at all though it came soooooo freaking on time! its always been on the 18th - say, when im kinda leading a sorta-stress-free (read: sedantary, yes i put it this way) lifestyle or there was no distraction because last month my flow was pretty absurdly awkward, perhaps due the weather, that i just got back from the ever-ever wonderful australia.. aww, how i miss those days.... days with u, Jet! look how far we've come! =) and i just viewed the photos with my room-mate last night because we were both having difficulties getting to sweet dreams.

as you're 'suffering' from the bad flow (read: bleeding), you're entitled to this.

excessive consumption.

yahoo! im not sure if i could bet on it, but hoping so desperately for it to be true. as i was munching on my Lindt, lol i took this lil wonderful thing out from my fridge.
you bet!!! its the frappucino.. haha i dont wanna give any second thought because i kinda dont care about my weight now.but my every cent counts!! despite the recession, i've gotta be extra concern to... to weather the storm! hahaha..

cheers everyone. gotta make myself brunch! wheee~~ and oh, new uniform today! its a new week, therefore promise me no blues, only colours of the other aight? =]

a visit to Geylang

2008-10-17T01:40:00.009+08:00

motley crue must have ended the stage with pride just now, with nothing at all; drug free and mild tenderness? i hope, and argh, my foooot!! its never gonna happen? even if i'd read it in the dailies, still i wont buy this kinda story. haha, no hard feelings aight, i enjoy their music too! =p

as i was mentioning to my acquaintances that Geylang would be an interesting viewpoint to be ventured out the other day, they instantly planned on a trip to this place for a 'visit'. argh, mind you, our only intention is the FOOD!!!!! as some of you might not have been told about this, it is darn famous of its prostitution all over the globe, from thailand to indonesia, from china to the india. so on and so on. they're just too many races to be checked eyes on. oh well, what shall we expect, it is impossible for us, beautiful lass-es.. to open our mouth, like what, to ask about their nationality? or rather, the 'charges' ?? all right, of course we went with another guy, who actually directed the way, all along the street, be it the delicious food or the... hookers..lol. there's always gotta be a MAN to be there, i mean, Geylang. even the name of the street sounds Gay, right? :)

some kinda fried prawns, pls excuse me because i didnt look at the menu, lol.
steamed egg, surprisingly i find this the best there. im the only one who has this opinion though.
by the way, ths is the name of the restaurant! do you read mandarin? lol

smelly, as always. and i puked, as usual. haha. my bros will like it, but the wonderful thing is, i DONT!!!!!! and NEVER will~ lol.

when the one (1) picture of the 4 of us is critically marked as a 'faulty' (blatantly by me), shall we split the group up? =p

its us again, looking all lethargic and what, distortion. lol.

and here, next food-stopover!!

the claypot chicken rice with salted fish.

vegetables with fried big prawns.
the very infamous steamed mantou, yummy!

that's the steamed fish in tom yam flavour.
so there!!!!

tht's the first and last visit there @Geylang, i swear! it certainly will be a total torture to be there again. the eyes of the jerks can be caught even at the very corner of everywhere. yikes!

cheers everyone!!

birthday celebration

2008-10-14T18:36:00.003+08:00

this is for the october babies~~ before that, had this today. the burger is all right, its filled with the steamy taste of wasabi but the shaker fries is all preservatives powder. the McSpicy is way better, aww. so filling, and im still full. hehe.

this is the reservation room. her name is nicole. a very loquacious girl, in a good way of course. im finally vindicated from the title. lol. all credits to her. but nobody would wanna mess with her, not until she swears... lol
this is the HR Manager, Jess. she looks sweet here. well, i guess thats all i could say abt her, so far. carmen, yr hair, pantyhose..lipstick...bla bla... *eyes rolling*
my housemate, roommate, whtever-mate..haha..she's a very innocent and decent girl, heavenly named Hann.
this is the communication room. featured here, Hann, me and Bernice.
the birthday cake, erh, the wordings and candles have been taken out, and yeah, i was the one who blew off the candle (s). =p

this is the hotel.
@ Queen St.

doing a little less talking

2008-10-14T17:26:00.010+08:00

a slight idea of where i stay. @ Bukit Timah Road.

just so u know, i bought my camera! lol, remember my last post, that i was hesitant if i should loiter around orchard road, well i did! and i got myself a Nikon camera right after that...see, excessive spender, lol. but i know it is all well worth, pictures say a thousand words. most of the time, even that part of speech, is beyond speechless.

i know i look kinda awfully awkward here, but its certainly not a hideous expression from me, dont u agree with me too? =p thats me with the bitterly-brewed coffee and cream soup. well, it was after my class. lunch at the mr bean's, if im not mistaken.

and i guess its better if i would show you my house here.
no this isnt my house, its Ng's Mansion, im proud to be his neighbour. mind you, he's the richest man in singapore, top 40 list, he's at the top of the list! no fooling around..
my neighbours.....
yeah, you're almost there..........

finally, this is it! and yes i know, its obvious. this is gravely taken at night. dont ask me why, lol, because i forgot to take picture during the day, i mean, of the house.

lethargic. i only took 4 hours of sleep this morning. pity me! therefore, please excuse the incoherent typing. i guess i'll put up more posts though, evrything will be flooded with pictures. yeehaww~~

bizzz

2008-10-06T14:22:00.004+08:00

Lifehouse was here on the 4th. Ash rocked fort canning park few days back and Avenged Sevenfold is coming on the 24th this month, wht the heck. Kylie is also making her wonderful sexy movements here on stage, too bad she's not seductive enough to move my arse there, the first seats are placed at S$ 500 i heard. pheew!

i cant afford. jeez, i have financial constraint. and im gonna get a new camera in november, watch me, bitch. of all the places, i've chosen this pathetic Orchard's franchise,erh, mcDonald to surf the net, what's of yr least expectance is that, it doesnt have any plugs here, so wth, too! and my battery is gonna turn flat sooon, what else can i do, shop? lol. or go somewhere else? lol.

i will have the answer later. im also currently so busy and there's not much thats in my head AT THE MOMENT, but to hell with it, BEFORE THIS I THOUGHT OF SO MANY things to be irked off on. so there, im in a slightly better mood today.

wish me luck. =) im so in love with State of Rock right now, go get the hit, honey moneY~~ then again, right when i thought the RedJumpsuit Apparatus' guardian angel is an old indie song, it suddenly became a hit, its rather ironic, duh! or perhaps i have identity crisis?! gosh!

evaluate twenty.

2008-10-04T16:16:00.011+08:00

it was my birthday yesterday, i love my birth date. i always do. i've always thought that its the best date ever, perhaps everyone thinks the same of theirs too - self-preference. i would say that was the most special kind of celebration i've ever had - not celebrating. i was just alone. yeah you know, i do have acquintances around here but there's nothing that beats the feeling of warmth and the passion back home. i missed it, i've missed it. its been awhile now.

it was stronger than before.

i received a bouquet of flowers yesterday. all thanks to this special one, not my boyfriend, but perhaps u could relate him as one of the admirers but i would say he has always been there for me - anytime. i really appreciate that. though certain things are not about sympathy. he will understand. we do, dont we? my mother was telling me how great the feeling of receiving flowers on your birthday, how impeccable the feeling was, well, i felt it. i wanted to tell her right away. on second thought, i didnt do that. i knew i would be emotional once i listen to her voice, she doesnt know how much i miss her.

when i was having my lunch yesterday, the state-of-the-art calls were all given by Him. the right persons just called at the right time. i was touched, totally moved by the actions and the words. when i got the wishes from the closed ones, it was just incredible to have someone out there for you. when you're thousand miles away from home, not hypothetically, but it feels like it - you tend to lose the closeness inside of you, like you're no longer you. i couldnt be myself, i wasnt myself. i totally gained my selflessness. i was only thinkin about the people. you know who you are, i really miss you..

here's some pictures to feast your naked eyes, mind you, i may look abit retarded, should u excuse me. i'd be grateful for that, gahhh!

My bouquet of flowers, i will always remember this, i swear i would.

yeah this is kinda creepy, i was wanting to gobble you species down, i gave u a caveat, remember? =p

so i thought i would be at least a little decent on this, erh, did i pass this? or am i on the borderline? hehe.

right, you've spotted my phone there! and that's the card from the hotel, am also being cordially invited for the birthday celebration. whee~

this is one - from my philipino bitches~ lol. no i wasnt being rude. they address themselves as one too. credits from... lol.. and i got this early in the morning by the way! how adorable! =)

i could not ask for more?

breaking out!

2008-09-28T13:02:00.004+08:00

dude.. im actually having my break time, it is fun while sneaking out at this time because it feels as if you're getting a little bit more than you're supposed to. reason being most of everyone here can not surf the net anytime they want. i can - because i didn't ask permission from anyone, and the person that's supposed to be in charge of me today, is right now having her own sweet time in the sweetness of noodles. well, i did too. not noodles though, i had sourish fish and yam-my-sth and chicken and bla bla.

well, i must say i have begun to develop a little bit of fanciness in singapore. i went to one of the shopping complex at dhoby ghaut yesterday and i bought 2 jeans, haha, mind you, they're cheap. like, really affordable.. it was fun going out with my soon-to-be roommate! guess what, i have found myself a new place to rot, well not exactly, but a better place to stay. its owned by 2 old folks, address them as uncle and auntie, typical chinese. having said that, we do know it always feels good to be home. till i speak again, im having my fingers crossed, toes as well, anticipating my new house!! hehe.

anyhow there isnt any big changes in the fares or expenses which im gonna have to fish out in the upcoming days, it is all the security and the feeling of not being ripped off by yet another conman that count. go figure. and yes, im not having a very good time staying at my current so-called master room. no doubt, though, it is indeed a strategic place to stay but too bad, i reckon it is just not for me. that is a private area and therefore hefty. i deserve a much better place, basket!

for you to be noted and myself to be gleeful, im not placed at the front desk today. instead of sitting there portraiting a very modelised civil person, im in the reservation room doing some 'important tasks' (read : supporting documents & et cetera) where i dont have to be extra careful toward the way i represent myself and of course, the lipstick doesnt have to be as red! cool stuff, wheee~~~ love me, miss you.

it's what i do.

2008-09-27T12:34:00.004+08:00

im only free today, not totally. got an appointment with a tenant later so i'll just loiter around, see wht i can do. well, look, wht else can i do, other than shopping? hehe, since there's not much time left, despite my sloth for waking up late today. i guess i'll just come online, surf the internet? right after this, i will go somewhere. im not sure where to go though, will ask my friend later, hehe.

i got tipped!! 2 days back, and that kind of tip, so easy to obtain. i dont feel the challenge at all, will try harder next time. and what is more interesting, there's a guest who appointed me as one of the outstanding staffs there in the hotel. i should feel excited. but im not. i dont have the passion for anything today. i just wanna live or write or blog or sigh.

i just started my class on wednesday. the seniors said we're gonna have tough assignments ahead but i'll conquer 'em all, nothing comes easy, especially the beginning eh?

im bored today, its sucha mundane to carry on with this life; stuck. i gotta move out from the house. i will have more activities planned. till then, peace out! hehe.

i guess i have a positive mood today other than being just bored. bored is not negative. because... i have no idea! lol. hehe, britney's Circus is coming out soon, yay!!

ill

2008-09-22T16:38:00.002+08:00

as i was waking up to the early morning at earthly hours, i found myself being late. and to make things worse, i fell ill - i have bad cough and flu. and i feel cold. that is very rare. so yea, im sick! im not proud to say that but i just feel so pathetic; away from home and you're sick. i so totally feel it now. the moment i was coming down from my bed, i had the feeble energy in me. still, i had to rush. no matter how long i wanted to sigh, how long i wanted to just stand there, being numb. time was moving and ticking so constantly. i had to dash.

things are still hot in the oven. i just got started. i cant complain.

perhaps i'll crap more tomorrow because my bladder is full now and the menstruation is hitting me. i feel terribly horrible. so uneasy. see u soon.

six days

2008-09-21T16:17:00.005+08:00

i am truly lethargic. i have inadequate sleep these few days, as i come to think about it. the pathetic reason that leads to that is simply because the air-conditioner in the room is not cold enough, friends know me, and you knw me, i cant sleep if it's too hot. hell yeah, that's how you wake me up. and for the record, out of certain circumstances, my instinct got me to a drink last night. yeah, right after my shift.

my philipino friend, Jane called up to ask if we should go to the marriot hotel for a drink, hesitantly, i doubted for a while because i was thinkin if i should do laundry last night. my mouth murmured a yes when my heart said no. so there, i went! well, to be frank, i knew i was going but i just wanted to cling onto the phone for abit. i was telling myself, i should start having fun from here rather than keep thinkin back the memories that i had with a couple of friends and more importantly my family.

seriously, i didnt think i would have this feeling. this is, everything on my own. haha, alrighty, i wont go back to the ole negativity.

so there, i went. last night - the living room @marriot. we ordered baileys chocolate icecream shake, yeah tht was a mistake. lol. but i still love baileys. =) then we had cranberries and pizza. some guys just kept offering drinks. well, i drank a chardonnay/blanc. bumped into this englishman, he claimed that shanghai is the best city he's ever lived. well, what can i say, i havent been there, and for sure i will, someday. i know i will, too.

oh well, about the workplace, the hotel. the hotel royal. the one at the queen street. they thought i was from private school or something, go figure. and everyone thought i came from the philipines. wht ridiculous. lol. and about the presentation, i've gotta tie my hair up really neatly in a hairnet/tube. and there shouldnt be any strands of hair that is to be seeeen, wht the heck! ' i want you to look like the airstewardess' shit, in my heart i was saying, jetstar's cabin crew can have ponytails. ' and please take constant care about your face, not forgetting to apply lotion or moisturiser on every part of your body' sigh. i'll just spray my hair with the hairspray or apply gel till it becomes dry. ah, look at my dry skin! and whts more funny, 'never walk out without your pantyhose'! wtf. gaahh~~ thanks for her kind reminder.

homesick. so jet thinks its funny. im getting over it! give me some time, will ya? and my friends, i wonder where they have gone. people assume i'll just make new friends here and forget about evryone. dont you think its a little too redundant? how could someone forget good memories. anyone, tell me?

jane and i. with the drinks and the 2-slices-left cheese pizza.
geeeeeeeeeee~~

to be me

2008-09-18T16:06:00.002+08:00

i think it is now proven true that people used to say how the singaporeans read in the MRTs, LRTs and even buses. i didnt really buy that but now as i've seen them with my naked eyes, i can now tell you that it really is, yeah still, is happening. everyone is so busy and hectic life they have here.

then again, as i compare it with malaysia, i kinda feel the serenity here. that, readers, is when i put it in a better expression. otherwise, go figure. the feeling is totally different.

argh, its time for me to go. be back soon.

life in singapore

2008-09-17T13:45:00.002+08:00

this is gonna be a random post. just a slight stream of consiousness. so please, pardon my rambling and do miss me. because i do.

i thought i could handle everything on my own. i said to myself that i will try everything ahead, whichever that's gonna fall on me, anything, anyhow, on my own. im just wretched out. i have no other words to say.

perhaps i havent really tried adapting to the new environment, i will try to look at it the other way, the positive side. im pretty sure i can make it. i keep telling myself that life would be better, everything will be just fine once i have come to make new friends or join the new society.

can u imagine me, not goin online for even a day? frankly speaking, it is like hell to me. i was just lying on my bed, sad to say, tears caught my eyes, came streaming down my cheek.. i never intended that to have occured to me, i really didnt want to. i miss evrything. i miss my family and friends. as im writing this, tears are in my eyes. i cannot put it in words. i know im gonna have to be tough. i keep telling myself to face this on my own because i chose this path.

on top of that, i know i will enjoy my entire days here because i know what im doing right. i know its just the alter ego thats been stubborn. this wayward feeling that's kept within me.. believe me, i will let it go.

i will be fine. stay tuned for more of me.

better days

2008-09-05T19:28:00.002+08:00

at times i do wonder why we struggle so much to obtain something, to search for something that is out of reach.. it is just so unfair, that we work so hard in order to prove that we can, at the very least, to ourselves. when you think everything is running smoothly, something backfires you. that is like the end of the day. life is just a cold rain. you're all alone. you have to deal things on your own, even when your friends offer you the hand.. the truth is, you're caught up.

imagine there was no tomorrow, imagine life without anyone.

get right

2008-08-25T15:55:00.003+08:00

captivated away by the wonderful lyrics that's penned down by the infamous composers out there. they dont know how much difference they're making when they're writing down their thoughts and feelings. i would say their masterpieces are actually making history. i am just so indulged with songs and especially the lyrics. music is really fundamental, be it your up or down times. i just can never live without it in times of ease. even the dueling guitars contribute so much. ah, i can listen to a song over and over again. i bet you too, haha.

currently in the mood of jonathan rhys meyers and secondhand serenade. i know im not much of a fan of the recent Disturbia and the likes, but where have all the good composers gone? no offence. we just want good music and we'll grab a toast. all of the songs that are up to date now are like, normal 'good' songs which you just sing along and forget, nothing really grabs your attention, or perhaps only the rhythm of the song does? ahh, i just dont know how to express myself, people just have different preferences. i guess thats all i could say.

where are you guys?
goo goo dolls, jimmy eat world, breakin benjamin, staind, our lady peace, the calling, kelly clarkson..where, Where's the passion?

leona lewis' a treasure, please dont let her off!!

silence is golden

2008-08-22T15:25:00.005+08:00

has my egoism engulfed me yet? i cannot take this any longer, i feel like busting it all up. the feeling is getting stronger and more and more surreal. knowing how lame i am, i wont raise my voice. if its toward my family, i'll have no doubts. i will definitely have them suffer my toad-like screech, yeah hate me. cuz i dont like myself too. but mind you, my family values within me is extremely high. so high that you wont wanna mess with it. lol. dont be afraid, im gentle. lol.
so there, my egoism, erh, NOT egotism, i dont talk about it. people with it should really do a self-actualization. it fears me. sigh, so how? tell me. talk to me. perhaps im better off with silence, until the world crashes down on me. the second thoughts in my head is killing me.. right, i deserve a better treatment than this.

why am i always the one anticipating?

had i known how

2008-08-19T15:05:00.004+08:00

on the maternal side, grandpapa is in the hospital while grandmama is falling into depression. i am just right here, in aussie, having the so-called 'time of my life' which i just updated in my facebook but screw it doin nothing to help. wtf. what in the world is wrong? i hate myself for having such a feeling; an uncertain gesture that i projected in front of jet, that im not as worried. please give me a slap straight to my face.

somebody keeps calling on my cellphone but on the screen its shown as 'no caller id' for a fucking 736437468 times. i wonder what disease has been rectified as being contagious again. would you please stop calling, my indecisiveness is killing me, not knowing if i should pick it up or let it ring by itself or put it in vibrate mode, for god's sake! cool, you have stopped calling. damnnit.

i have no idea how to put this in words though i reckon im having a negative feeling now? i just keep so much to myself, so many things i feel like letting it out, but there's always a barricade in the way. something's been filling up my mind, i cant trust nobody. my 'beloved ones' are too occupied for me whereas i have all the time for myself and myself alone.

shit, my phone is crying for me again. should i?
i finally picked up the damn call, there was no response to it. i guess you're rather wtf-ed by it too. okay, i wont let it interfere me. cheers babe. pooh. only the 'LEGENDwait for it.......tedmarshallbarneyrobinlily-DARY' can feed me. =)

off i go.

hope

2008-08-13T17:16:00.007+08:00

i never once in my life thought i would feel this way. you give me hope, please dont take it away from me, too soon. when i thought all is well planned, and i would choose to walk this path my way, the way i wanted it to because that, subtly is also due to the fact that i have not much options to make, you're telling me to catch this golden dolphin from the ocean now. this isnt another multiple choices question, for which most of us would assume it's easier as to be compared with the long-demanded answer in the long questions because it is either too easy but tricky or too difficult but indeed an obvious answer right there, if you have done enough revision.

that only happens when you have made good preparation.
but what do i have?

all that i can offer now is devoting my time to the solitary community, make myself a companion to those of need whenever they are wretched or feeling lonely or better off indulging myself in the air by doing something of nothing.

in canberra, there was a time when i could choose to take picture with the words: fear, joy, happiness, passion, hope, mystery... you name it! being as indecisive as i am, my mind started its brain juice flowing doin the math, of which to pick. well, you could possibly be thinkin, why wont i just take the photo with all of the words? though for the record if you only opt for one, you somehow dedicate it as the ticket to somewhere down your deepest core. it is indeed unique.

how i hope something i yearn for this time will happen. when you want something so much, so much that you almost think about it every milisecond of the day, trust me, you'll evetually got left with nothing. i have no idea why, it sucks. but i really want this right now. please. could i?

as it appears on your screen, i chose Eternity. beneath it you see a creepy astounding Fear and i preceded the word Devotion while casual for me then, unfortunate for me now, Hope was captured with an only E.

and i pray that all goes well for you and i.

not just cornflakes.

2008-08-10T14:19:00.006+08:00

i fed myself with a whole lot of delicious and really scrumptious good food last night. it was really a cold dark night, oops it does remind me of the dark Knight, but nevermind that lol while walkin out at the street, gosh i was freezing and i swear i was starving, anticipating the dinner to be served hot, not warm, delectable, not just edible. and it turned out, it was yet another pricey dinner that were dished up. a word, awesome. not forgetting the lovely dessert, really mouth-watering and i had 2 slices of cheesecakes. whooops!!!! hehe.

by just thinkin back, makes me wanna eat those food again. i miss the prawns, i miss the salmon the only thing is it wasnt raw, but cooked. haha i have an insane obsession on raw salmon!!! ahh!! and there were even abalone steamed with mushroom-and-sth.. lol. and yeah shark fin soup, not a fan though.. oh well.

NICE!! =)

am very grateful indeed. right, i shall starve myself today.

stitches everywhere

2008-08-09T00:50:00.003+08:00

'reckon people do have secrets to themselves. there are just things that we cannot share with anyone at all. you knw, all the dirty little secrets.. all the silly things that you did when you were once immature.. i can get really tensed up sometimes, especially when someone might have done something out of stupidity and i cant make any judgement. this feeling sucks. should you in any way wanting to deal with it, it'll still ultimately remain the same, goin back to square one. damnnit! why won't us, the most perceptive creatures in the universe just grow up and do what's right. well, i dont wanna be in any way philosophical but i do know there's no right or wrong in this cold nasty world, it all just depends on how we look at it. pheww! i just hope there was something i could come up with, to help me help you. all i can say is, things dont always go my way. the most disheartening thing on earth is to accept the truth.

can you feel what i feel?

you certainly dont because if its the otherwise, that'd be a frivolous lie. please dont treat me like a fool, would you hold your breath this time and listen to what i say? its been umpteenth times of me trying to make sense in front of you and im sick of it but i'll still figure out ways just to get you sit down and have a good talk with me. what's more silly is that i cant even handle someone who hasnt gnawed as much chips as i do now. lol not that im old. and i knw you will never ever read this. you'd probably choose to be out. pause. *long sigh*

please excuse this incoherent writing.

this is my name.

2008-08-07T01:07:00.004+08:00

came to take this quiz online. check this out, uhm.. what my name says about me!

You are very open. You communicate well, and you connect with other people easily.You are a naturally creative person. Ideas just flow from your mind.A true chameleon, you are many things at different points in your life. You are very adaptable.You are usually the best at everything ... you strive for perfection.You are confident, authoritative, and aggressive. You have the classic "Type A" personality. You are wild, crazy, and a huge rebel. You're always up to something.You have a ton of energy, and most people can't handle you.

You're very intense.You definitely are a handful, and you're likely to get in trouble. But your kind of trouble is a lot of fun.You are confident, self assured, and capable. You are not easily intimidated.You master any and all skills easily. You don't have to work hard for what you want.You make your life out to be exactly how you want it. And you'll knock down anyone who gets in your way!You are friendly, charming, and warm. You get along with almost everyone.You work hard not to rock the boat. Your easy going attitude brings people together.

At times, you can be a little flaky and irresponsible. But for the important things, you pull it together.You are very intuitive and wise. You understand the world better than most people.You also have a very active imagination. You often get carried away with your thoughts.You are prone to a little paranoia and jealousy. You sometimes go overboard in interpreting signals.You are relaxed, chill, and very likely to go with the flow.You are light hearted and accepting. You don't get worked up easily.Well adjusted and incredibly happy, many people wonder what your secret to life is.

You are well rounded, with a complete perspective on life.You are solid and dependable. You are loyal, and people can count on you.At times, you can be a bit too serious. You tend to put too much pressure on yourself.You are deeply philosophical and thoughtful. You tend to analyze every aspect of your life.You are intuitive, brilliant, and quite introverted. You value your time alone.

You're highly selective when it comes to dating, and some may say you're too picky.You know what you want, and when you find it, you're ready to commit. Often times, you are grumpy with other people. You don't appreciate them trying to interfere in your affairs.

this is crazy. why dont you give it a try too? it is so accurately true. if you wanna know me, well this is Me. should i or should i not be proud to admit? go figure.

everytime

2008-08-06T16:34:00.002+08:00

gotta admit im not a very passionate person. most of the time i dont think rationally. im a lunatic. im outta my mind. i lost my conscience. i did not see what it was the consequence that might occur to me, if, if.. and would you grant me any kinda guidance at all that could mend this heart? it triggers me. alot.

emotional. i am.

hey guys

2008-08-02T17:14:00.003+08:00

so what if britney's a pill-popping pop celebrity who used to flash her panties in front of people, it doesnt ever matter our lives, does it? as least she's strutting her own thing, rather not be flaunting her body. im sincerely grateful that she's leaving all that behind and now trying to change. its all coming back to her own senses. i love britney so much that i wish i could give her a fish-kiss on her cheek, or vice versa. lol.

currently unavailable for you, im right now having my big time in australia. anything that goes, there's a price to pay. always. even though im right here, why is it that chris daughtry and panic at the disco have to have concerts at this time, in both july and august. to make things worse, mtv asia awards is gonna be held in Genting Highland, Malaysia this year. why, why, WHY??!! im missing all of these electrifying excitement. and my babes went without me!! why is it so unfair, and goshh leona lewis is gonna make an appearance in MtvAA, or rather, to perform. wait wait, jared leto is gonna be the host!! he's definitely the Kill to all you girls out there, agree?? argh, damn you tucky! i dont care Daidomon is definitely on you! hehe. but please, take lotsa lotsa photos of THEM, wont ya?!! will be thankful for that, but no definitely NOT with your dopod. hehe. no offence. fortunately britney is not attending, lol, all my life i've been desiring to catch her in concerts or whatever appearances that is, BUT i'll still be praying very very casually-nonchalently. yea yea, never ever give up the significance of daring to dream! gee, such a wild hope. *having mandy moore in mind right now when she last hosted in singapore for the same event alongside with the romeo-like ronan keating* i dont remember which year it was though, having westlife as the very grand-closing act singing world of their own. okay, world of OUR own, happy? =)

feel like im only mumbling to myself, but nononono~~ please dont leave my blog yet.

you know im sorta pissed with people around trying to act like someone else in their neighbourhood. if you ever wanna try to make yourself looking hot and stunning like the celebrities, i reallly dont mind at all, but NOT SOMEONE YOU'RE CLOSE WITH!!! like so wth, people have feelings. they can feeel it. even if they dont, other people can SEE it in their eyes. and hello? people DO talk. hehe, maybe they call it as gossiping but MEN, women expertise in that field innately. so bear with it. right, those of you who are involved please take this as a gentle caveat to not provoke others. you dont wanna ruin the platonic relationship, do you? good luck, peeps! alright, im feelin' better now. lol.

avril lavigne is also preparing herself for a concert in malaysia at the end of this month after spending decent moments with hubby deryck whibley. sigh why wont deryck tag along and do a mash up with her. lol what a waste. im goin. im going not. im goin.. im goin not. cuz im not back yet. screw it!

i'd rather you be here.

ben lomond ski trip

2008-07-27T14:04:00.004+08:00

woohoooo!!!

yeah, jet and i went Ben Lomond yesterday along with some other friends. it was amazingly amusing! the first thing that came to my head this morning was.. fatigue! my whole body is aching, like i have done some really hard work or somethin, lol. it really felt like a day after a whole day of swimming by the beach, getting tanned. pheww, finally a good rest. indeed, i dont deny i actually am having a great repose, stress-free lifestyle. things have been awesome here, i cant complain.

we got up at a quarter to 7 in the morning, as usual, we were late. we couldnt have our hearty breakfast. very quickly we dived into our 3 or 4 layers of clothing with a thick sweater and took off from our place. well i managed to grab a piece of chocolate for sure because i wont torture my stomach, hehe. there, our journey began.

reached our destination at about 10? for the love of the ice, the white ambience, i didnt really check out the time. as i was gobbling down the sandwiches, people there were already capturing photos of themselves with their self-made snowmen. wheee!!!! im missing all the decent moments there. alrighty, we then went to ski, the most fun i got among all the activities we had. ah, not really. only that. haha! i didnt play the toboggan, i didnt play the snowboard...ehhh wait, i think i had a lil fun with snowboard before i settled down with the poles. keke, smiles are still on my pinky face. =) i wont go into very excruciating details of evrything because you were not there with me, and if, if i really share all of em with you here, the only smart ass thing that you would think of is how dumb and how cute i was...geeeee!! fine, i fell down hell lots of times but i didnt break myself and am still in one piece!! hehe, you bet!

gawd i miss the place. the batteries of all screens from camera to handphone went all flat. therefore not many photos were taken. and we could only blame ourselves for not making good enough preparation. anyhow thanks to jenabi and jan for their cameras. how pathetic of us siblings! guess we should count our blessings, couldnt ask for more. at least we saw everything with our innocent eyes, it was more than meets the eye.

when jet lost his control but i was the one falling down! hmph!!

xoxo.

it's you.

2008-07-25T01:23:00.008+08:00

all good returns to my beloved friends. i have a whole batch of acquintances who are celebrating their birthdays this month. haha, in fact it is rather ridiculous to say this because every single month they'll be friends/buddies who'd be blowing the candles on the birthday cakes. some, of course i dont give a shit, they're just 'friends'. lol. you will only need your feelings to tell you who your close friends are; those who treat you in a very genuine way. it doesnt have to be unique, it just comes from the heart. i really appreciate those people around, sometimes i seriously can't believe the love i feel. friends, truly an enigma. you'll have your ups and downs; at times you do have arguments or conflicts with them, but even the worsts will be over someday. what else is there? when i start to crack my mind, i guess i hardly even have huge conflicts with my close friends. perhaps the tolerance and consideration are there. and i hate quarelling. fortunately all these while i could get myself away from it. hehe. oh, not forgetting the power of love, its incomparable. though i have to admit i make really big noise at home. maybe i was just naive lol.

well, dont get distracted when the words 'friends come and go' suddenly flash in your mind because even lovers come and go and the list goes on. it depends on how you see it, really. i just shrug them all off. nothing special. if you really have the passion for it, there's no distance that's far, be it emotional neglect or physical distance. you'll always feel them around you. to be away from home, i came to realise alot of wonderful things. its incredible. friends or lovers or offsprings or whatever, they're of the same equation. or perhaps for lovers, there's a lustful thing called sex, or intimate moments or whatever you call it, that's fine. no matter how far you are, you'll still be thinkin about them. you do know it differs from time to time, dont you? different occasions, different people in mind.

right now feeling the silence, im thinkin of you...

happy birthday to the Cancers and Leos.
trust yourself. you know you're better than anyone else.

only a shadow

2008-07-22T02:02:00.004+08:00

i love myself, its not a sin.

imagination's taking over.

hands up! repo-repo!

2008-07-20T15:46:00.007+08:00

i watched this trailer few days back but didnt have my sweet time to share it with you guys out there, haha put all the blames on me, my sloth! if you're ever interested, u may click here. its about a stage play being transformed to a rock op'ra shit, directed by darren lynn bousman of the Saw sequels. wheee, im so very fascinated by the music makers. a number of my favourite musician is in there, and surprisingly sarah brightman and paris hilton are also in the film, weird combination but sounds cool, alongside anthony stewart head, alexa vega and paul sorvino!! i am so looking forward to watching it in the cinema babes!!

had a few nice conversations with my babe therefore im definitely NOT emo right now. alrighty lets break down to this, i went to the city yesterday. as usual for the whole day, i was out shopping. i've been restricting myself from spending, or rather wasting money on 'things that i need'. for all these while, i know myself, i've been always searching for reasons to buy things but deep down solely i know that i do not need them, more like a yearn-for, basically they're things that i dont have to buy but here's an honest confession to make, i really love buying things i adore. once i've started forking out money from my purse, it will never stop. im insane i know but i actually managed to refrain myself from buying yet another handbag yesterday!! it was a bomb for me, but hell yeah thanks to my bro on the phone, being anxious about how if i really get my hands on the bag, so there it was, the bag is still there!!! i was like, it's really cheap and worth it (not really lol). then. "there're alot of so-called worthy and admirable things in the world, do you have all the money in the world to make them yours?" still i wasnt conscious, though i did walk out from the shop, with his friend. i didnt buy-lah. lol, poor friend, got a lecture from him. haha.

that's the problem im facing now. please carmen, stop spending and start saving!! oh by the way, REPO! the genetic Opera! watch that trailer babe! definitely no regrets. adios.

"...this is not your parents' opera!", composers darren smith and terrance zdunich.

being fake

2008-07-16T00:05:00.005+08:00

i cant believe im eating suga-lollies right now at this time. it is a gift from jet's friend very long time ago. he has been keeping it, for the love of chatting, i think he's forgotten that this thing actually still exists in his rack. therefore he should thank me, cuz im helpin him finish em. for your information, i've never really fancied sweets, lollipops, candies..anything but chocolate, oh bittersweet chocolates. nice. though i think im a little down now, i have no idea why. its moodswings, perhaps? but for everyone who's moody, there's gotta be a reason. maybe its a reason that's close to being an excuse that im so reluctant to share. you know, its not that i dont want to but.. its gonna create havoc if i do.

it is so late at night, jet is snoring(no u didnt see this lol) sleeping soundly. he's sleeping with his hoodie, its cute. aww he's got an itch and he's scratching it. well that reminds me of this little philosophy; fill the empty, empty the full. when there's itch, scratch it. is life just as simple? i dont think so. then again, i also know that when there's a 'prroblem', it indicates the process of growing up. and im sure that will make us stronger. i strongly believe that because i've gone through some really hard times. who doesn't, anyway?

at times i do get envious of people who could be having fun every single day. dont they have worries? im sure they do. or is it just me or they are good at covering up or god is giving them the easier way to walk this broken road?

suddenly oh suddenly, breathing seems so hard to do.

im not dead yet. im just stuck and at the bottom of this box, they're plenty of conversations to make. i could be so passionately replying or the otherwise. im sorry babe, im not in the mood. at this time now, as i was hovering my mouse searching for something, i found this.

it was taken when i just got off from a very happening shopping spree and right after that i was gonna go to this place called Crown where i lost big bucks there, yeah it's indeed a casino. talkin about that actually makes me smile. what's happened to me, do i miss those days when i keep dishing out money? hehe. well, the funny thing is, i actually feel alot better now.

yeah, i think im a nutcase. and i think you're speechless now too. =) oooh, okay..i know i looked kinda shhweeet to some (thanks!) and pretty effing fugly to others (thanks too!!) but i couldnt care less, could i?

cheers. this is how easy to crack myself up. only i can do that, i just realised. so. peace out! xoxo.

Korean Ricecake!!!

2008-07-14T20:25:00.006+08:00

wow, i didnt know and never ever in any way i should have a tinge of this tiny thought that i'd get to taste this pretty-awesome dish right here at Tassie!!! its ricecakee!!!!!!!!! hahaha, didnt really like this in Sydney, at one of the restaurants that caught my brother, Jet's eyes. he bought 2 or 3 boxes i guess. its that delicious to him! well, as for me, i only liked the spicy sauce and the taufu. well, i could still remember that moment, i was holding my bladder (yes, again lol) looking for toilet. hehe. so what about today? the korean guy, George actually made us some really delicious ricecake! hehe, yummy. i loved the sauce, typical me. hehe.

to tell the truth, when i was writing this blog, i was politely yelled by Jet saying that it was his turn to surf the internet therefore i've in fact saved this post as draft and im 'completing' it. so yeah, i had an unexpected nice snacks! cool!

there was a time when he asked, "do you want me to make again?" frankly in my heart i was jumping and yelling a big yes, but of course, i only gave him a smile. hey, my reputation and image are essential, haha! it was very generous of him anyway..

unchanging.

2008-07-13T18:30:00.004+08:00

people can just go so crazily-mad abt 3G iphone. someone actually told me in a quick catch up in Sydney about how he has been awaiting the phone to be launched and that he would definitely sign up for the plan. well, you know who you are! hehe. long-awaited 3G iphone, people actually crave for you. the circle is getting bigger. and bigger. have u got yours now? =)

im not so sure if i should get a hand on that.
whatever.

previously i was so obssessed about blogging. i would think of my blog at all times, about what i've written. its all about self-actualization as i've mentioned in earlier posts. perhaps much, much earlier on. you will ultimately realise the consequences that might occur or might not in what you have done or have said throughout the whole day. i have random feelings now, with so much sorrow...ahhhh...i wouldnt 'label' it as sorrow, but a thing to ponder on. i should because it is time.

i spoke to this korean guy just now. we have shared a short conversation while he was having his hotpot with ham and seasoned squids ( wow, its nice! =p ) and me, drinkin my milk and chewing on the chunky pink lady apple. ah, it is always times like this when people ask me, "how do you do here? " or "what are you doing right now?". i would be all stunned. i did not really know how to answer them. for the record i would actually blame myself deep inside, why did i not work a little harder on my previous examination so that my life now would be easier. and that everytime when others ask me those questions, i would have a quick answer in my head and to be proud of. not now though.

look at me now, i laugh it away.

don't worry about me, it is similar to, Love is just a feeling. metaphorically it means the same. lol. i will stand up and do a Phoebe-Comeback. perhaps it didnt all go so well, but im certain that there should always be a small group of audience. they will be supporting me all the way, won't you? thankeeew very muchhh..!!

nice.

dont get me wrong though. i do not treat Love as being only a feeling. its the otherwise instead. i appreciate all the love in the world. let's say a little prayer for the Darkness for misleading us!! haha. in some ways, they do make sense. i think im also missing some of my friends here, now that im so far apart away from you guys, of course, i miss my family more! hehehe. and my very close friend-cum-mentor. she knows who she is if she ever visits my blog. and if she has time. and provided with another IF, she still remembers my blog since there are so many carmen-s since foreverrr~~ lol. i will stop now cuz i know im getting a lil crappy right now. haha.

uhm, waiting for my brother..but i already knew what he would say once he comes home. "any complaints?" lol. such a good and adorable sister i am! *winks* well, you don't practically have to know what that relates to, but yeah, you dont have to know. wahhaa. im insane. GEE! my bladder is full, gonna pee now! see ya!

you are my rock, the one i hold on to.
still you make time for me, i can't understand.
how beautiful is your unfailing love.
my unfailing love.

aussie, im here!

2008-07-03T00:56:00.009+08:00

perhaps its due to the little awkward side of me that i only have the inspirational thoughts when im really having a problem to myself. most of the time when i do post, its only because i have severe contemplation or too depressing moments. they're normally untold and kept inside of me. and me. however i hope this time, i post, is not enthused by my sad moments, or rather, emotional feelings.

how time has passed, im already right here in australia. remember how i yearned to quit my job and come to aussie? i worked hard for this. well, i would say that im having alot of fun here, as well as anxieties. i have sorta forgotten what are those like, but happy moments, they're all inside my head. okok, as for the depressing part, in a way, i grow with them too, they're still kept with me in a subtle way. for good! uhm, guess i wont spill the beans out to you.

i have been to many places that i dont even know where to start with myself. i am currently shaking my legs in melbourne city at the very precious moment. why would i bring it out this way, basically because i've so fallen in love with this city that i dread to get back to tassie in a few days' time. i wouldnt say i despise tasmania but it is really calm and peaceful there. hello, im 19? for sure i would love somewhere where i could bring out the lively side of me..lol i mean, places like sydney or melbourne. tassie is a place of too many 'civilised' ones, erh they do not have the hyperactive feeling, if you get me. lol. okay, im goin on 20, stop doubting. so, whatever. hehe. throughout all these days, i have learnt alot. this is really a knowledgeable trip, for the record im still kicking in the city. its not the end yet, wow! =) in whatever way that it may cost me, it is all so worthwhile. i dont think i can ever do this when im really focusing in my studies in a bit, or when im in the working society. figure this out, who can ever take a 3 months of break and spend some money, getting away from the sickening country (well, sometimes it does piss me off, lol) and go abroad, to a country of your own options and spend hell lots of money on shopping spree, foooood, adventures...and the list goes on??!!

australia is a beautiful country, malaysia isn't.

i have taken many pictures but i dont have the time to upload all of them here, hehe it is also due to my slight procrastination but anyhow if you have facebook, you may be able to view all of the nice photos there, i do that so that my adorable mom can get access to the pictures at home herself and she doesnt have to bug me about how the condition right here is treating me. hehe, just joking, of course i would be more than willing to tell her the detailed information IF she ever calls. the thing is, she will not. yeah! pictures say more than a thousand words anyway... therefore the conclusion is, FACEBOOK!!! =p

i have so much things to say but so little time. it's close to 4am right now and i gotta get up at 8 or 9 am later? lol im traveling, that's why!! i can't possibly wake up at noon every day right, on top of that its Winter time!! argh, friggin' cold... =(

Just so you know...

malaysia is my country, australia isn't.
i am contented with what i already have and will have.
be proud to be a malaysian people!

to be cont'd.

no air

2008-03-26T00:55:00.006+08:00

tilting my head back, i would see a barley black tea. it has been stationed there for quite some time already. i havent got the time to dump it into my rubbish bin- holdie, do i even have a dustbin? argh. my room is a total mess which my dad always complains and i fight back. i dont like it whenever he talks about how untidy my room is kept under. its like wtf, his room is not very well-organised as well. okay, i should pay a little respect. he is my dad, and i love him.

here's the thing. something which has put me off for a few weeks is this freakin stupid router that refuses to work for all these days. it is so hard not being able to go online. i cannot stand it. what i did was to pay a few bucks at a coffee shop or whatever cafe for weeks each day and make optimum use of its wiFi. i felt so cheapskate being myself, but at least i wasnt being ripped off by yet another 15 bucks for a cup of coffee which, its shop only opens until 12 am midnight, if you know wht i mean. and oh, it makes me phat too. then again, i think what i dish out from my own purse is more than wht i have to pay for streamyx each month. wth. wth.

i have now finally bought myself a new router. what's funny is that, it actually works. i had a thing in me. yikes, i have been calling this streamyx people making thousands of complaints saying how bad the reception at my place is and how the DSL light keeps blinkin at me so nonchalantly, its like wht the heck, i dont like watching it. and i get pissed eventually, every now and then, IF i ever see that little thing again. well, they sent the technician over to check and this is the conclusion - the router is broken. wth. so damn corny. next time must advise my cute brother to not keep the old-and-spoilt-already modem/router at home. instead, just throw it away or trade in or whatever-lah so that it would decrease the chances of meeting such embarrassment. sigh.

okay cool, so everything's settled down. but not until i go shopping at mid valley today. there was this bodyshop event at the concourse area. there i went for this free facial consultant. heck, i spent a few hundreds there. of course i did not only buy for myself. i bought a set for my beloved mother too, or rather she has to get used to this product because im not buying any estee lauder-s for her this time. i hope she would not complain using it because it is claimed to be made up of ingredients that have come from natural sources, which i dont know of, or dont give a thing about. haha, i feel so bimbo-ish right now.

not really.
because im falling asleep.
i just dont feel like waking up another day to work yet another day again.

cant wait till its June. and Here i come, aussie! yahoo!

alrighty, lets come back, gotta work for penny.
ka-ching!! ka-chingg!!!

whookay~~ im not done with today's outing yet. i caught a movie with a random friend today, why do i call it this way, well he knows why, i bet. it wasnt too bad afterall. the movie was fascinating, i didnt think it would turn out to be such a good piece. *thumbs up*

gone baby gone. aww.

Round

2008-02-24T01:26:00.005+08:00

the earth is round.
my stomach - ditto.
i am so freakin full.
right after a steamboat buffet.
hooray! hehe. *when it comes to food*

all the people have been talking about me. this is, i bet its the right thing. something i should be proud of. to your concern i am now working for the Izzinet company, the wireless broadband service brand ambassador. work was tough, it used to be so stressful that i hardly had the time to have a relaxing bath. never really spend my righteous time in a way it should be. everything was all jumbled up together, it was all too vague to be seen vividly.

right now. things change. as i see it in a challenging way.
i have become the top sales and already a leader to the team. in the meeting today, i got the recognition and also a souvenir from the iBurst - thingy. please google 'iBurst' in wikipedia or whatsoever if you have not heard of this, yet. hehe. argh, its a thumbdrive. its like, duh, like i don't have any. alright, i'll be grateful. and thankful.

on the surface it is indeed a good thing. though everyone just tries to beat you in a very subtle way. i sometimes dont like it, but i have to pretend i dont know anything. according to my dad, i have to be naive at times or just play the character. right, i have to admit i am really innocent at times. other than that, they talk to you like you're invincible, but they backstab you at your back. it is so fake. you, hypocrites!

it is complex, being carmen.

i will wake up when June arrives. i can't wait.
i need a break. like a real solid break. if you get what i mean.
so take a bow.

somewhere

2008-02-10T00:58:00.000+08:00

some things are meant to be.

no matter how hard you try sometimes, when things are destined to happen, sooner or later, i believe it would happen, somehow.we just can't push ourselves too hard, can we? just let it be, i would say, just leave evrything to God. He has already got a plan for us, a better plan; when things turn out to be bad, once we have gone through them, that i strongly have this mindset that those bad things would eventually make us stronger than the screwed up days.

occasionally i would hate myself. i am really selfish. and i act like a child. i cannot believe im already numb to a lot of occurences in my life. i do not have a special feeling toward certain eventful situation. and i have a mindset which is totally wrong. i dont really care about some things which other people strongly disapprove of. for instance, when i think it is not wrong to behave in that way, other people think the otherwise. then again it all still boils down to the same damn thing, i still care about what others think of me.

argh.i am not cool.

during this chinese new year, i lost an uncle. how should i put it in words. how i wish i could help when he was reaching out for someone, i did not do my best. it was either because i was too lazy to move my butt, or i was still in heaven chewing the titbits. argh. im not a good person. RIP. i dont wanna lose anyone else from now on. i cannot afford. oh well, GOD!!

***
my face is gross.

numb

2008-02-05T22:17:00.001+08:00

there should be many things to be posted in this blog but i choose not to do so because i still wanna keep things to myself. im never really used to the thinking of sharing all my problem to people. i have always had secrets to myself, never really confide in anyone whole-heartedly. this is not because i do not trust them but i just thought i should mind my own business and solve them all by myself. and hell yeah, i think i can.

anyhow, i always tell myself that time can heal everything because time changes everything. you may prove me wrong but that's how i live.

this time right now, i should also be anticipating the blossom of the new year, right, its chinese new year. i don't have a special heart to invite this occasion, for instance, i do shop my own clothes and yeah i did, for the year, but that was just a very quick one and without the uniquely-required passion. i just bought the clothes for the sake of buying, or rather, for the love of new clothes. the tops i have bought are mostly red though. yeah, im still conscious. im glad im not moved away by my stupidity in dealing with certain nuisance.

it is also clearly shown that i am still under pressure.
a rush of blood to the head.

all i want to say

2008-02-03T00:11:00.000+08:00

people keep telling me what to do and what not. shall i take their advice or i should follow what my heart says. most of the time i do not act what i intended to do because i guess i care about what others have to say about me. i think i really do.

you will now tell me, i shan't listen to them. i should do what i feel like doing. what i want to do. and what i feel best doing. then again and again, my thinking and my action may vary. rather you could say, im a very indecisive person. though im trying to make my own decisions, hoping not to cause any trouble. so far, so good. =]

things are just fine. perhaps i should just count my blessings. i am loved. i should be happy. let go all the things that would give you a bad day my dear carmen. the world is beautiful. come to think of it, i think i havent had a really crying time with God long since. this may indeed be a blessing, or am i too numb to be shedding a tear for you. i won't stop working; making money. i just want to save some penny, and spend them. some time later.

i got a plan.

***
i no longer shout at you doesnt show a good sign my dear. you would still have to carry on with your own life no matter how bad your life turns out to be. you may never know, i still care about you because i love you. my ever young bro. please wake up and realise how things are getting out of hand. it is never too late.

buy me lollipops, anyone?
"substitute it with bittersweet chocolates, please?"

that's all i have to give.

for a change

2008-01-25T01:03:00.000+08:00

i can't believe im feeling better now. is it because i have mood swings or the world is round. somehow i feel kinda sleepy. though im actually texting someone on the phone. owh, on the screen. i just got to know this person, few days back i guess, oh well, yesterday. haha! surprisingly we have things in common. and i keep bullying this person.

it is fun.
then again...

not as fun. because im not talking to someone i want. because im not texting message with the one i love. because im not seeing someone i've missed. because i am sleepy but i dont feel like sleeping. because im feeling better but that doesn't mean im happy. because only someone can make me happy. because someone is not cracking me up with jokes. because everyone is busy. because no one cares.

im swept away by love.

ReiMei to Silk Road

2008-01-24T23:42:00.000+08:00

im seriously going nuts. im going crazy. i dont know what i live for. in this life, i know i was loved by you, you, you, you, you and probably you too! i might have all the love in the world, but it all boils down to the same damned question.

what have i been doing all my life?
the chief point is this : why.

no one could ever give me the defined and definite answer. i guess this is just one of those days again. i know this isn't the first time i'm going through such situation, and i actually have intention to go somewhere alone, for instance, i would go shopping alone or to take public transport alone.. i kinda enjoy it sometimes, or perhaps most of the time if im not in a hurry. it's basically because i get to listen to my favourite music and the best thing in it is that i live in the world of my own. the music to my heart is the key to my serenity. one i define.

also.
when you have something, you don't appreciate them. by the time you lose it, you will eventually start thinking about it, or do ponder-s. this is very common, isn't it? it's the selfish part of oneself. or rather, i would say, we lack self-conscious. most of everytime, we are not aware of what we are doing. we just want something new. we want to fight the curiosity in us. ultimately. we try new stuff. in the long run, we give up.

hell. it sounds like a sick cycle.

there's no practical sense in that. i can't fight this feeling anymore.
i guess i will stop all of these mindful thoughts and take shower now.

shut up and go carmen.

Miss Independent

2008-01-23T01:13:00.000+08:00

it's late.
im listening to alicia's tell you something (nana's reprise) uh..

i cant wait i wont wait i dont wanna wait...

she's got a gorgeous voice.

i guess im kinda stressed out currently. i dont wanna talk to anyone about my problem. though if you'd ask me, i might tell you. because normally i dont bring issues at work home. it is not my way of dealing things. therefore i choose to walk my way back home. i've done that not many times. in fear of strangers, or whatever. i miss my music. even if im listening right now. im also missing someone, even if you're here with me right now. always.

i can never get enough of music.
as to how i can never get enough of you.

anticipation

2007-12-22T16:30:00.000+08:00

its all about life.

its all about waiting, you are anticipatin something that meets your preferences. its gonna take a lil time, i gradually tell myself at the end of time. i crave so much, to have a less hectic lifestyle. in the end, it all remains the same. the same damn thing in life. well, shit happens.

is there a miracle in life? some says yes. hell, there are even people around who would believe in such a thing. its symptoms are quite similar to The Darkness, who believes in a thing called love. perhaps there isnt anything in life that they could risk their lives for? or rather, they're playing on the safe track, it is their decision anyway. there isnt anything to lose, huh.. i'll just choose to agree to disagree then.

i dont feel good right now. maybe i'll talk later.

December Buzz

2007-12-18T13:23:00.000+08:00

Starhill Gallery is one hell of an indulgence. Been to Jogoya twice this month, wow, my stomach is feeling definitely treated but my pocket... lol anyway it was an absolute amazement.

here i go.

Caught a movie last night at the Pavilion, I AM LEGEND. didnt think it was a nice movie, paid a little patience, and in the end, things turned out, it wasn't great AT ALL. no offence to those who either enjoyed it, or rather, would like to give it a try. maybe that was just not for me.

there are things in life that certainly don't go our way.

my exam is finally over now. i could give my longest sigh of relief as much as i want but in order to earn more money (of course), im gonna work. and i am indeed working. work is tiring, then again, is there any which comes easy to your doorstep? hell no. therefore i'll just take that and have it crunched to myself. phew.

back to square one.

intensity in ten cities

2007-10-27T00:32:00.000+08:00

hands held high for chiodos.

at times i do take time to remind myself, how i could be so interminably wordy. sigh, direct translation would be long-winded. and im repeating it, over and over again. why, im not in the mood. i would also doubt my own ability occasionally. i can not create new history for myself. i mean, nothing extraordinary. nothing towards the positive side. or perhaps there are, and i dont quite realise most of them. i do admit though, i only remember the bad things i've been through myself. right, i shouldn't pass that.

well, there's something i must say, that i normally write posts when im all wretched or depressed. i don't usually do it when im excruciatingly excited. hehe. then again, i didnt blog for the past few months, i reckon, and it wasnt at all related to this, if i was as much busy like the swarm of bees, enjoying my life. that was just plain procrastination.

coming clean, i did something immoral today, not rude. wicked. i am not gonna say it because that should be kept only between me and the little things that were involved. *giggles* everything has a price to pay, i have known that ever since, but i didn't practise that. today, initiatively, especially i was the chosen one.

fate has decided to punish me now, than later or never. that i shouldnt have acted the way i did. ahh, so freaking naive and innocent!!!!!

arghhh, HaagenDaaazz...you gave me (us) a hard time!!!

*back to reality*

Karma.Is.Ghastly.

not me, not I

2007-10-17T23:37:00.000+08:00

made errands the whole day. i didn't have complaints. it wasnt very much like myself. or perhaps i do act like that, i mean innately im a very patient person or all the good qualities you have in store for me. im influenced by somebody, perhaps?

when i was a little child, i used to behave like a nutcase. when things dont go my way, i would just blurt out all things that came to my freaking mind. i was so thoughtless and inconsiderate. the whole world was afraid of me, or maybe they hated me. i didnt care less. as time goes by, i came to understand many of my deeds are almost close to being a cannibal, the only thing that makes me different is that i dont eat them alive. right, it's like there's nothing else i'd do. mind you, im never a spoilt kid, even though im the only female at home, apart from my mom of course. relatives used to 'wonder' if i've swapped my sex with my brother's. should i be mad or sad? well, i ignored.

things are better now. i should carry on with my changes. for god's sake, i dont see the good values i have instinctively. guess that's something i should be proud of. or not.

***

as i turn on some old songs, i wish i could go back to the old days, when i was so naive. look i was still a kid, less responsibilities. i was only a mad fan of mtv and channel [v], nothing else. dude there goes my life. certain times, i would long to watch the Lizzie McGuire. Hehe. kinda find myself being girlish, which is hilarious.

have i changed or do i remain the same? well, this is somewhat a post - believe it or not. cheers.

idle

2007-10-12T15:09:00.000+08:00

aggravated i am. with myself. im am soooo lazy. didnt do much study lately, i should get started right now. as the final exam of the year is near. so freaking right there. almost all of my friends are having their sweet holiday, some are dwelling on with part-time job, the rest just enjoy their time rotting at home, if not hanging out everyday with acquaintances. i dont mean im jealous though, relatively im kinda strained with the remaining time i have got left (not gonna die yet-lah). i have to study, all right, i'd better rephrase - i chooose to study!! i should have this mindset, rather.

well my doppelganger has left for India to further her studies in dentistry. from my deepest core, i wish her all the best. we've known each other ever since young, really young, like, when we were in our kindergarten. we werent close, well, heck knows! hehe.. fate brought us back together when we reached 13. we were finally classmates again, and then, we formed a group of associates. i really appreciate this relationship. it is just depressing because i live really far from their places, therefore, very few reunion. i even made things worse by transferring outta the school at 15. yeah all blames on me, im still glad im still keeping them as my close friends. more activities in the future, aight?

watching her tears flowing down the cheek, i got gloomy. reason being i didnt spend much time with her before today, hehe. luckily though, i made it to the KLIA this morning to see her off. she has totally broaden her circle of friends now, i didnt feel much neglected though. we meet people along the way. im blessed with many of them too. very close indeed. its all right as long as the people i care are happy with their surroundings. their lives.

***

there are many things ahead i havent accomplished that i planned for myself. i find life more challenging now. it's absurd that i have this feeling being apprehensive about my future. perhaps anticipating the unknown. life is truly an enigma! mann!

i wish that i could find the words to say ...

i cant let that happen again

2007-06-26T18:47:00.000+08:00

when you stumble in a very unpredictable posture, people actually laugh at you. i suggest you look around and watch people falling down, and sing along the gleeful London Bridge song, that doubles up the fun! go ahead.

in a hurry..

already you are feeling so wretched, the uncivilised and immoral delinquents still do mock at you. where is the sense in that? we are nurtured from young we oughta give a hand for those in need, or rather? i.e. those who fall down so desperately hideous and senior citizens to cross the furious road.

however i finally know now, how we have to get up ourselves during the ugliest moment and act like Homer.

the smarter window

2007-06-25T15:52:00.000+08:00

put aside the negative thoughts for a moment, start counting my blessings, the world does seem like a better place to live in. i start to think to myself, why cant i just ignore the pettiest thing in life that bites, and live my own beautiful life whereby i hang out with friends, catching the latest moves on screen, window shopping, spending money on favourable goods, everything and everything. when i sit down right here and now, looking out the window from my room, i begin to realise, there are so much more fantastic and adventurous actions i could take, rather than just locking myself up in the room and get on with the mourning. life sucks, on that particular time in hell. i want to be loved again and i want to be heard. getting angry does not make things right, by the same token, no one even bothers to give a damn shit about it. when that happens, we would be the abandoned immature kiddos in town.

while you may be slotting in your guts well in your reference books, i am right there laughing with my jolly jaws wide open. i have now had nearly everything planned, life is not about burying yourself in the pressure which leads you to the sickening spot. as disheartening as it may sound, i would still have to spend millions of hours trying to sort out the very tough sums and solutions for the mathematics. and accounts. and economics. hehe. that is my duty after all. life contradicts well. i may have a moment of joy right now and i know, it can never stay forever, there's gotta be ups and downs in life to measure up the typical world. therefore, the only thing i can say is, come what may! haha..

i have blended myself into so many activities that God has for me, some i excelled, and of course, there have been failures. though i always stick to the motto that Experience is a very good teacher, yeah the next line is, She sends in terrific bills. awww.. well, i am now going to pass the bottom line because i dont have room for sadness for the meantime!! hehe, let bygones be bygones..

scenes from a memory. Im revived and Im back! =)

walking away.

2007-05-30T00:26:00.000+08:00

running away does not solve anything.

i dread to 'sign in' and escape from peeling-myself in front of my own darkest eyes. you might be able to feel me, but not knowing the exact reason. i do not have to reveal how deep my sorrow is and how n when it is gonna eat me, alive. someday you'll know., somehow. i hope.

for the love of vodka, the pelican did not do a great job. i could not still laugh away with pain. there have been so many updates in my life, i will never understand where there are gonna put me to, somewhere out there i know. i would not call them as part of positive marks though.

listening to the songs, they have me back the sweet and bad memories. i cant help but to sing along. i guess i was being too naive with a troubled mind, it led me to this. if only i have not made part of the silly mistakes in the past, if and only if, i would have been a happier person. those things never go away. i keep cheering myself up each and every day, it is just too unfairly unnecessary. why cant i just be myself - feel the pain when im hurt, cry as hard as i want to and not forgetting to smile when im contented. instead of being normal, i do not have the guts to face the world. is there anyone who would and might be able to fix me? i wouldnt be given an answer. i truly know how sometimes people around us can be deceiving. hypocritespleasestayawayfromme.there are people who can make believe to be so nice (aww) but they would just show their backs on you eventually. who am i to trust at this moment?

emotionally if i ever talk to you again, i hope i would behave like a person like you.

Incomplete.

2007-04-22T23:24:00.000+08:00

instead of rolling on my bed, i am actually thinking about wonderful wonders - all the reasons why the hideous are so lovely. are you gradually made confused by me? every now and then? Hmm..

i am most of the time sick of myself. why am i not studying at this moment? all the biggie exams are just so near, but i am still here. well, the feeling, it is just a feeling. Love is only a feeling. Hatred is also only a feeling. Love and hatred are a form of the only feeling. How could I think ill of myself? How could I? How could you...? I am even bewildered myself, what is there to say about you? i thought to myself. I am so dead.

what a wonderful world. life is not beautiful, though i cant take my eyes off it. somehow. hint: the hideous are so lovely. a temptation noone can resist.

sigh. I am still making rounds. I should so leave now. Life is too short, but we are only given one shot. Hence, live life in complete-something. sigh, again. Today's one of my close friends' birthday, i just wished her through a text message this afternoon. unfortunately there's still no response from her. i wonder why. has she changed her number already, without giving me the idea? im upset. OR perhaps, i think too much. she just doesnt feel like giving out replies cuz it would have cost her a bomb to do so to everyone. perhaps im just not the appreciated one. Alright, i must be thinking too much again. The little voices in my head is telling me to stop. *c-a-r--r-me-n*

Good luck to everyone who will be sitting for the Malaysian University English Test (MUET) this saturday. Especially myself.

Politics

2007-03-22T22:15:00.000+08:00

i have always wanted to be in the Reds or Yellows when i was in my alma mater's. it's kinda funny that i would come up with such absurd thought. perhaps it symbolises the justice that we used to have in my school way back then, why on earth would i yearn for such? oh well, i was in Blue. The impairment has its specialty. The former and former will always be treated and remembered so well. That was so unfair.

i couldnt seem to find a way for existence to be seen.

all the very little things just plunged in without any sirens signalled, i am devastated. of all the things that you have sacrificed for at least you feel that you have had, you are then dupped as -useless freak and being treated as a nobody by a lunatic (1) in particular and of course, you (>1) are never left out, having not known me all this while but you think you have; there's a reason why certain objects are so wanted, you just havent. oOo i wish i could yell my lungs out straight to your face that, if so you think im a nobody, please make believe that nobody is perfect, in equality, I am indeed perfect!

u dare me?

yet i do know that im appreciated. massive applause to all of them. lol. I am so not matured, not childish.therefore would you please mind your own business? for now i have finally found my stone, why the hell would i ever forget about the Greens? Like, i am now a Yellow. I truly have gone through the drudgery that the well treated are deemed to. I hope I could make another option instead.

Jeez, i finally meet true Justice.

Unforgiven

2007-02-08T18:15:00.000+08:00

perhaps i expected too much from the past. it has all now turned into darkness. i cannot believe myself believing all the lies that i have been lied to. i can never forgive myself for being such an unscrupulous nuisance. for that, i will weep myself a villain.

i know so much that i have been idle but my heart is still beating for this, my dear. im going crazy, things have not been working out so well, and yet, no one hears me. it is just so uneven that when you confide in someone so profoundly that he can hardly understand you, nor can she learn to appreciate the person you have always trying hard to be. then again, it all goes back to the same pathetic ellipse, fact always hurts; they do not overlook you as a friend, let alone a close one. oh well, just some passers-by on the stage i reckon, life's a brief candle my dear, if you are willing to lit that bit up, it will not be reluctant to shine itself bright for you, if, the otherwise. could anyone out there show me an earthly way of knowing such, right, could i have an acquaintance in time, for god's sake?

True friends are rare, really rare. you know i would have [had] you in mind, don't you?
at the end of the day, you will still have yourself. Cheers. =]

Goal.

2007-01-06T23:06:00.000+08:00

2006 sucked bad.
everything went on so NOT smoothly.
barricades were along the way offering aid.
thanks so much, it was like i wasn't me at all.
i used to have all the little things i had wanted.
it was all gone in a year.
all gone.

oh well, seems this is an angry post
well its not.
those were just plain truth.
had nothing else to complain about.
those bad stuffs are gone.
hooray for a new year has come.
might be too late for me to welcome this, but the feeling is still there
aint it?
let's just start anew
by not mentioning the new year cliched resolutions
why can we not just do it

love you.
love myself.
love 2007.

Behaviour.

2006-12-23T23:24:00.000+08:00

i have come to this touch whereby i can never believe it myself that i am so gonna quit my job. what is it, well, theoretically im quitting my job as a pessimistic. you never know dear.. no matter how much i hated one particular person to have done some unlikely things to me, i could not have been a better person without allowing that one person to have boiled the immense hysteria out on me, it wasnt hot enough babe, if you could only see me now. im gonna fire you instead. and its even funnier when you were all this while trying to squeeze things out from me. gribberish crap, dude. please thank me for giving you that one (1) power to do so. yes, its countable, for there's nothing left. for you, not of me.

im so over it.

shall we just flip through a few more chapters, to dishearteningly find that oh so childish i was. im not a grown-up yet, not entirely. its such a ludicrous thing to say though that im only 18, yet having acted like a fool all this while, well to me im old enough to have just realised this. dear, im willing to change, its not like i can never have a better opportunity to confront my alter ego. you will see a different side of me darling, no worries.

there are tonnes of uncanny things that you never have been exposed to, which im rather particular to just being headed down on, well, look at the other side of the world, everything is just right in front of your eerie eyes to see - be-have-iour. its cool, isnt it? alrighty its not if you dont see it. =)

say, if im a jovial person, i will be able to achieve and to have and to hold a certain pleasure that i have all been seeking for. does it make sense at all, by any chance? well, one's character does change a life. i am so innately motivated by some angels up there. behaviour, oh so tensed. relax, sweetie? *winks* it will just take some time, ' Let go! ' !!

***

hey its the Yuletide season again, for the wondeer-ful moment, eve of the Xmas Eve, hereby i blow a warm kiss to everyone out there! *smoochies*

here's a thing, among the deers, why do people only and only remember Rudolph?? hmm..............

***

Feed the world!!!

Merry Xmas!

why..

2006-12-20T23:10:00.000+08:00

im uncertain why im here.

i have not updated myself right here for some time, or perhaps, not even in real life. im not very convinced with the things i have now, well, you could presume im a lil demanding. hell yeah, my expectation is as high as the mountain. but thankfully, not humble.

i dont wanna steal the words from anyone of you out there, i only wanna be myself. yet being one, its not easy. unlike some people, they just go round fumble their pouch everything they want is there. what about me, right, you do not need everything in life. well its not very motivating, it vaguely gives me an idea that you dont take things seriously. i dont pretty much like it.

feel awkward with everyone around me, i start to ponder about the little monster in my head. yeah, im indeed, despisable. do i have to question myself again - will i sink or swim?

i felt so lonely in the pathway. thank you very much.

Il Divo, always

2006-12-05T21:22:00.000+08:00

Lonely
The path you have chosen
And restless road, no turning back
One day you will find your light again
Don't you know
Don't let go, be strong

Follow you heart
Let your love lead through the darkness
Back to a place you once knew

Follow your dreams
Be yourself, an angel of kindness
There's nothing that you cannot do

I believe in you.

heaven-sent treat!

2006-11-27T23:15:00.000+08:00

for now i really gotta believe the senseless statement i always make to people. well, it's somehow ridiculous in some ways if you don't see it my way - urgh, i lost my bloody new Dopod smartphone which i bought few days back. to be precise, it was only mine for 2 bloody damned days. i was moody at first, but later on, i turned out to be rather fine. it was sorta peculiar though. well, let's just say all thanks to the hot chocolate. *indulgence*

owh about the statement, what about this, well, the main reason God gives us the opportunity to earn some moolahz is because He wants us to be treated in a better condition, with THE money. i guess its provenly true now; no matter how i sillily i tried to escape from fishing out my ka-chings, i'd still have to spend on my SECOND MOBILE (what the heck) !!! agree on that? therefore, i got myself a new pair or Nike yesterday. =p and a NOSEY heels, lol.

gribberish!

all right, im currently working at the Shangri-la Hotel in KL the experience is awesome, you know, get to meet tonnes of new people, and to work with them! guess i do not have to mention the names here for myself as a mark for future reference cuz i'd remember im certain, and you to know them? it's not of importance, hehe dont get misunderstood, just that you wouldn't know them right, even if i DO list em names down, ah.. im outta mind. apologies!

geez, the touch of swaying things out together in a bond is way too brilliant an idea, grateful i am! well, just so coincidently i met 2 of my primary mates there at the banquet, i was shocked in astonishment, cuz one of them is kinda.. well, our parents know each other really well. we didnt have much time to chat the other day cuz she was in a rush, what pity! anyway, i felt a lil somethin' sooner then, spooky lil boogie.. *hehe*

ugh, you wonder how i lost my phone? well, i left it at Shang's ladies, got that? there's a price to pay for E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G !!! dammnit!

***

some days i just dislike myself. i am not firm. i am not generous. i am afraid. i am selfish. i am clumsy. i am all that you think i negatively am. i am indecisive. i am..

worth savin me..

2006-11-18T21:37:00.000+08:00

plenty of photo frames abandoned. well, not exactly, there're just right there, in front of my macabre outlined eyes, with the carved-out decoration, like, a gal strutting her assets, the heaven sent innocent gal tryin to do some farming or even the simplest macked out woody ones..what a thing to say, they are just deserted as though they're meant to be. the existence is there but how well can a man misuse it and just shrug it off. just like a peanut. it is absurd.

nothing will be the same ever again, no matter how hard i try, gone are the days with honeyed memories, left are the fake hypocritical faces trying to be the same candy. or is it a rivalry, to be frank? i feel like chucking the faces into the nearest garbage around where noone else could catch me littering it. lol.

as days go by, even the most sophisticated philistines would be on tenterhooks. the practice gives us a moral value to be absorbed; never dwell too much of passion into some things. i know it will hurt really bad before it gets better. i am fooled. at this moment now, anyone'd like to punk me? please do.

no matter how hard i try, i can't love you anymore.

Dilemma

2006-11-08T22:57:00.000+08:00

its freaking hard to do this, knowing its not right to drag but still, i have to. i gotta work out a good way to face this lil bug, pleaz, leave me alone. i have thought of ways to make it easy for everyone, generally, but people tend not to appreciate that. say what, Karma, im afraid of that truly. right, i hope i'd feel less remorse of a kind when i do step out wrongly in any ways. well, no regrets in life, remember it always carm!!

or rather, i should throw myself in the crowd, see if there are people who'd have their hands up to keep me in the air, that'd be way cool, like how Brendon Urie'd most probably do when he gets too lethargic of the camisado-hitz and thought of having everyone screaming at him, keeping him soaring high instead and getting carried away with him could jab a fascinating touch to that performance, ouchh!!! i wouldnt have a slight chance to! neither will i jump off frm the stage. lol.

im getting a lil' demented at the very moment, if you'd excuse me!

not forgettin' GN'R

2006-11-07T14:44:00.000+08:00

they will never be forgotten. after all the drudgery that they have been through, they certainly deserve such grand tribute, from the deepest core of the heart. Welcome back! this time around, with Chinese Democracy. well, it's been a long time since they have released an album of new material (a profound intrusion having Slash gone!! sigh!). yes, im talking about Guns N Roses! nonetheless, Use Your Illusion I will still be the best album of theirs, i reckon. hehe cuz it simply has my favourite songs in it. *chuckles*

***

November Rain
performed by GnR

When I look into your eyes
I can see a love restrained
But darlin' when I hold you
Don't you know I feel the same

nothin' lasts forever
And we both know hearts can change
And it's hard to hold a candle
In the cold November rain

We've been through this such a long long time
Just tryin' to kill the pain
But lovers always come and lovers always go
An no one's really sure who's lettin' go today
Walking away

If we could take the time to lay it on the line
I could rest my head just knowin' that you were mine, all mine

So if you want to love me
then darlin' don't refrain
Or I'll just end up walkin'
In the cold November rain

Do you need some time on your own
Do you need some time all alone
Everybody needs some time on their own
Don't you know you need some time all alone

I know it's hard to keep an open heart
When even friends seem out to harm you
But if you could heal a broken heart
Wouldn't time be out to charm you?

Sometimes I need some time on my own
Sometimes I need some time all alone
Everybody needs some time on their own
Don't you know you need some time all alone

And when your fears subside
And shadows still remain
I know that you can love me
When there's no one left to blame
So never mind the darkness
We still can find a way

'Cause nothin' lasts forever
Even cold November rain
Don't ya think that you need somebody
Don't ya think that you need someone
Everybody needs somebody
You're not the only one
You're not the only one

Blue October hates me.

2006-10-31T22:42:00.000+08:00

perhaps one day when i can move along, i will wake up.

just feel like screaming my bloody lungs out, it's been inside of me for a long period of time already but i havent really gushed it out to you, somehow, ultimately i would. why cant anyone hear me when im calling out for them? as i've always said, the world's never been good to me, or rather i didnt very much appreciate em, but still, i will not have regrets. well, what's more to say then, good things never really give way to people like me.

i might have too high of an expectation but its how you perceive such things in your way, well perhaps, perhaps i should look at it in a different perspective, is it time to have a change, dear?

and hell no, i will never degrade it. like, why say 'pink' when you can say 'fuschia'?

do i have to do the same damn thing over and over again? im angry and i find it dramatically unfair. there are things i really dont feel like doing but i cant speak up cuz it will only do me no good, if not harm. at times, i cannot stand the way it is that is happening around me, or perhaps im selfish myself, i just cant get over some things i am particular with. all right, i'll need some time for that. excuse me.

and another thing is that im blogging all these what seems like a vain effort, hoping something would actually favour this hooligan. laugh with it and to say goodbye to my october. yes its mine, mind you. So long, not good night.

This Can't Die

2006-10-28T17:29:00.000+08:00

we have unfinished business!!

the world is so beautiful, but i didnt know. i let go a lot of pleasant things in life. i only got to realize it when i cry though, that'd be far too late for me then. perhaps you might gonna have to tell me that's when i should be smiling. but that's not it. =)

i flaunt my intelligence the other way that i find it ludicrous at times. you have already known it if you knew me well enough, therefore nevermind the questions. so there you assume! however it is, to somebody i have no wit but its okay, they're just shallow. i dont have to prove to them how i hold an absurd grief to the things they do.

whee! im alive! Buon Giorno, Principessa Carmen! (aww, im honoured! =p)

Am rather anxious about the future. i dont quite like the way it is now, because apart from studying the textbooks or scamming through the fake facts about the immature game my country's Prime Minister, Datuk Seri Abdullah Ahmad Badawi (Pak Lah, lol) and the former PM, Tun Mahathir are playing, i am still awaiting to reach a certain stage whereby i am totally vindicated from the upset surroundings. and yicks, the Light Rapid Transit (LRT) in Malaysia actually dangled in the air (how long did it go eh?). for god's sake, screw the constructions.

what a shame-lah, ouchh!!

except a Rado.

2006-10-27T17:34:00.000+08:00

there're more of me that you haven't seen.

they think they know me. they think they're very close to me. how could they ever tell, i'm just a person with a name. i guess i gotta chuckle to myself, even next to me is an invisible man. when i try to reach out for you, do you think you'll be able to make it there for me. jeez, everyone tends to get hooked up with our haughty eccentric, like, i have never said i adore-something. people, they have me as a topic in between their conversations, as if i haven't a clue. im upset. they never ask. they have preconceived idea, of me. they dont do it based on sufficient knowledge about me. it is not fair. at all. to me.

but i dont speak up. b.l.a.m.e myself.

on account that you might get carried away when you talk, it's better if you just shuddap! dont speak my language, i dont very much like it. i have been trying to fill up my days with the good memories we once shared; the good ones, stay forever. how many times can i pretend though? i will be tired, if i see no appreciation. hey i dont give n give, without having a slight chance to take at all.. im not as generous as you think, if you presumee! sigh, its an imbalance of justice.

why do i have things to do with injustice, all the time, why? if you find guilt from this writing, its better if you do.

holy crap.

what do i do now? there are good evidences why i am given a fine name, you just havent; ya have to look one for yourself, cheap hypocrite! take that!!

get it? im traiiiing to be generous.

Kiss from a Villain

2006-10-24T18:53:00.000+08:00

such a massive repulsion is conjuring up inside.. i feel so disgusted. i dont feel like talking to anyone else right now. not even myself. the only thing to do is to blast out loud music , well, rock ballads. its still peculiar, cuz i aint supposed to listen to any ballads for the moment, well maybe something to do with angst or hysteria..suits me more? argh! but im no angry, neither am i emotional.

*some days i feel like shit. i wanna quit. n' be normal for a bit.*

do i have to smile before i laugh? do i have to leap before i jump? do i have to swim before i drown? all these questions are meant not for scamps but could i fortify more of those, so i would be one sinner? hope not.

i doubt if everything i do is right. it just looks so wrong. i dont wanna do this no more. and to hell with it, no regrets in life? funny...not!! how could we? unless we're born not with the dream n the fickle mind to be more motivated. and to struggle, damnnit!! if someone is all under estimated, now you tell me? cuz i feel like a cow now, with nothing.

***

enough of those. im actually fine cuz i know nothing's gonna be all right, even if i sit through with my inevitable agony. and yes carm, live with it! i dont need nobody to sympathise, i can handle it myself. life is ours and we do it our way! who else to blame, eh?

join me my Black Parade!!!

Rue 'n Due

2006-10-23T13:23:00.000+08:00

despite being ignorant, i am blissful. because. ignorance. is. bliss.

i faked it.

2006-10-07T13:05:00.000+08:00

so much for being 18.

life's such a hurly-burly FM that i dread to stay. what's the worst that i can say? it is not about what i dislike or how unfairly God's been treating me, anyhow, i do not need a reason to be angry with god. i have been so gleefully enjoying my everyday's mainly-routine but somehow something's gotta give.

xxx

few days back, i celebrated my 18th birthday. it was fine. i never expected my thoughtful classmates to have bought me a cake from CoffeeBean; tiffany sweetheart, that is. i really liked the picture of they getting it for me. it was really sweet of them. to be real, never judge a book by its cover, haha cuz it didnt really taste as good. later, i got another icecream-cake from Baker'sCottage by my beloved pals, to my big surprise, it turned out to be freaking temptatious, even better than the CoffeeBean's..haha guess we shall only grab cheesecakes from CoffeeBean, the other normal butter or creamcakes, well, leave that to SecretRecipe, still. lol.

right here, i shall blow a thank-you smooch to the ones who have gotten me the birthday wishes and gifts. i do appreciate them. it's times like this that i can truly see a heart. so long and be good.

i call th(e)s(e)...HOT!

2006-10-02T17:12:00.000+08:00

i cant get enough of them boys!!! OhMyGawd. their album is worth so much for a Bailey's chocolate milk!

and owh, i want Baileys for my birthday!!! hahaha...its a joke. not!
very funny, its just a yawp to constantly remind myself of the red wines (duh!) we have in the freaking fridge, screw it! ahh...everyone's drinking Baileys.. lol

chilis, yeah!

2006-09-29T22:21:00.000+08:00

show you chilis.. lol