anticipation

its all about life.

its all about waiting, you are anticipatin something that meets your preferences. its gonna take a lil time, i gradually tell myself at the end of time. i crave so much, to have a less hectic lifestyle. in the end, it all remains the same. the same damn thing in life. well, shit happens.

is there a miracle in life? some says yes. hell, there are even people around who would believe in such a thing. its symptoms are quite similar to The Darkness, who believes in a thing called love. perhaps there isnt anything in life that they could risk their lives for? or rather, they're playing on the safe track, it is their decision anyway. there isnt anything to lose, huh.. i'll just choose to agree to disagree then.

i dont feel good right now. maybe i'll talk later.

December Buzz

Starhill Gallery is one hell of an indulgence. Been to Jogoya twice this month, wow, my stomach is feeling definitely treated but my pocket... lol anyway it was an absolute amazement.

here i go.

Caught a movie last night at the Pavilion, I AM LEGEND. didnt think it was a nice movie, paid a little patience, and in the end, things turned out, it wasn't great AT ALL. no offence to those who either enjoyed it, or rather, would like to give it a try. maybe that was just not for me.

there are things in life that certainly don't go our way.

my exam is finally over now. i could give my longest sigh of relief as much as i want but in order to earn more money (of course), im gonna work. and i am indeed working. work is tiring, then again, is there any which comes easy to your doorstep? hell no. therefore i'll just take that and have it crunched to myself. phew.

back to square one.

intensity in ten cities

hands held high for chiodos.

at times i do take time to remind myself, how i could be so interminably wordy. sigh, direct translation would be long-winded. and im repeating it, over and over again. why, im not in the mood. i would also doubt my own ability occasionally. i can not create new history for myself. i mean, nothing extraordinary. nothing towards the positive side. or perhaps there are, and i dont quite realise most of them. i do admit though, i only remember the bad things i've been through myself. right, i shouldn't pass that.

well, there's something i must say, that i normally write posts when im all wretched or depressed. i don't usually do it when im excruciatingly excited. hehe. then again, i didnt blog for the past few months, i reckon, and it wasnt at all related to this, if i was as much busy like the swarm of bees, enjoying my life. that was just plain procrastination.

coming clean, i did something immoral today, not rude. wicked. i am not gonna say it because that should be kept only between me and the little things that were involved. *giggles* everything has a price to pay, i have known that ever since, but i didn't practise that. today, initiatively, especially i was the chosen one.

fate has decided to punish me now, than later or never. that i shouldnt have acted the way i did. ahh, so freaking naive and innocent!!!!!

arghhh, HaagenDaaazz...you gave me (us) a hard time!!!

*back to reality*

Karma.Is.Ghastly.

not me, not I

made errands the whole day. i didn't have complaints. it wasnt very much like myself. or perhaps i do act like that, i mean innately im a very patient person or all the good qualities you have in store for me. im influenced by somebody, perhaps?

when i was a little child, i used to behave like a nutcase. when things dont go my way, i would just blurt out all things that came to my freaking mind. i was so thoughtless and inconsiderate. the whole world was afraid of me, or maybe they hated me. i didnt care less. as time goes by, i came to understand many of my deeds are almost close to being a cannibal, the only thing that makes me different is that i dont eat them alive. right, it's like there's nothing else i'd do. mind you, im never a spoilt kid, even though im the only female at home, apart from my mom of course. relatives used to 'wonder' if i've swapped my sex with my brother's. should i be mad or sad? well, i ignored.

things are better now. i should carry on with my changes. for god's sake, i dont see the good values i have instinctively. guess that's something i should be proud of. or not.

***

as i turn on some old songs, i wish i could go back to the old days, when i was so naive. look i was still a kid, less responsibilities. i was only a mad fan of mtv and channel [v], nothing else. dude there goes my life. certain times, i would long to watch the Lizzie McGuire. Hehe. kinda find myself being girlish, which is hilarious.

have i changed or do i remain the same? well, this is somewhat a post - believe it or not. cheers.

idle

aggravated i am. with myself. im am soooo lazy. didnt do much study lately, i should get started right now. as the final exam of the year is near. so freaking right there. almost all of my friends are having their sweet holiday, some are dwelling on with part-time job, the rest just enjoy their time rotting at home, if not hanging out everyday with acquaintances. i dont mean im jealous though, relatively im kinda strained with the remaining time i have got left (not gonna die yet-lah). i have to study, all right, i'd better rephrase - i chooose to study!! i should have this mindset, rather.

well my doppelganger has left for India to further her studies in dentistry. from my deepest core, i wish her all the best. we've known each other ever since young, really young, like, when we were in our kindergarten. we werent close, well, heck knows! hehe.. fate brought us back together when we reached 13. we were finally classmates again, and then, we formed a group of associates. i really appreciate this relationship. it is just depressing because i live really far from their places, therefore, very few reunion. i even made things worse by transferring outta the school at 15. yeah all blames on me, im still glad im still keeping them as my close friends. more activities in the future, aight?

watching her tears flowing down the cheek, i got gloomy. reason being i didnt spend much time with her before today, hehe. luckily though, i made it to the KLIA this morning to see her off. she has totally broaden her circle of friends now, i didnt feel much neglected though. we meet people along the way. im blessed with many of them too. very close indeed. its all right as long as the people i care are happy with their surroundings. their lives.

***

there are many things ahead i havent accomplished that i planned for myself. i find life more challenging now. it's absurd that i have this feeling being apprehensive about my future. perhaps anticipating the unknown. life is truly an enigma! mann!

i wish that i could find the words to say ...

i cant let that happen again

when you stumble in a very unpredictable posture, people actually laugh at you. i suggest you look around and watch people falling down, and sing along the gleeful London Bridge song, that doubles up the fun! go ahead.

in a hurry..

already you are feeling so wretched, the uncivilised and immoral delinquents still do mock at you. where is the sense in that? we are nurtured from young we oughta give a hand for those in need, or rather? i.e. those who fall down so desperately hideous and senior citizens to cross the furious road.

however i finally know now, how we have to get up ourselves during the ugliest moment and act like Homer.

the smarter window

put aside the negative thoughts for a moment, start counting my blessings, the world does seem like a better place to live in. i start to think to myself, why cant i just ignore the pettiest thing in life that bites, and live my own beautiful life whereby i hang out with friends, catching the latest moves on screen, window shopping, spending money on favourable goods, everything and everything. when i sit down right here and now, looking out the window from my room, i begin to realise, there are so much more fantastic and adventurous actions i could take, rather than just locking myself up in the room and get on with the mourning. life sucks, on that particular time in hell. i want to be loved again and i want to be heard. getting angry does not make things right, by the same token, no one even bothers to give a damn shit about it. when that happens, we would be the abandoned immature kiddos in town.

while you may be slotting in your guts well in your reference books, i am right there laughing with my jolly jaws wide open. i have now had nearly everything planned, life is not about burying yourself in the pressure which leads you to the sickening spot. as disheartening as it may sound, i would still have to spend millions of hours trying to sort out the very tough sums and solutions for the mathematics. and accounts. and economics. hehe. that is my duty after all. life contradicts well. i may have a moment of joy right now and i know, it can never stay forever, there's gotta be ups and downs in life to measure up the typical world. therefore, the only thing i can say is, come what may! haha..

i have blended myself into so many activities that God has for me, some i excelled, and of course, there have been failures. though i always stick to the motto that Experience is a very good teacher, yeah the next line is, She sends in terrific bills. awww.. well, i am now going to pass the bottom line because i dont have room for sadness for the meantime!! hehe, let bygones be bygones..

scenes from a memory. Im revived and Im back! =)

walking away.

running away does not solve anything.

i dread to 'sign in' and escape from peeling-myself in front of my own darkest eyes. you might be able to feel me, but not knowing the exact reason. i do not have to reveal how deep my sorrow is and how n when it is gonna eat me, alive. someday you'll know., somehow. i hope.

for the love of vodka, the pelican did not do a great job. i could not still laugh away with pain. there have been so many updates in my life, i will never understand where there are gonna put me to, somewhere out there i know. i would not call them as part of positive marks though.

listening to the songs, they have me back the sweet and bad memories. i cant help but to sing along. i guess i was being too naive with a troubled mind, it led me to this. if only i have not made part of the silly mistakes in the past, if and only if, i would have been a happier person. those things never go away. i keep cheering myself up each and every day, it is just too unfairly unnecessary. why cant i just be myself - feel the pain when im hurt, cry as hard as i want to and not forgetting to smile when im contented. instead of being normal, i do not have the guts to face the world. is there anyone who would and might be able to fix me? i wouldnt be given an answer. i truly know how sometimes people around us can be deceiving. hypocritespleasestayawayfromme.there are people who can make believe to be so nice (aww) but they would just show their backs on you eventually. who am i to trust at this moment?

emotionally if i ever talk to you again, i hope i would behave like a person like you.

Incomplete.

instead of rolling on my bed, i am actually thinking about wonderful wonders - all the reasons why the hideous are so lovely. are you gradually made confused by me? every now and then? Hmm..

i am most of the time sick of myself. why am i not studying at this moment? all the biggie exams are just so near, but i am still here. well, the feeling, it is just a feeling. Love is only a feeling. Hatred is also only a feeling. Love and hatred are a form of the only feeling. How could I think ill of myself? How could I? How could you...? I am even bewildered myself, what is there to say about you? i thought to myself. I am so dead.

what a wonderful world. life is not beautiful, though i cant take my eyes off it. somehow. hint: the hideous are so lovely. a temptation noone can resist.

sigh. I am still making rounds. I should so leave now. Life is too short, but we are only given one shot. Hence, live life in complete-something. sigh, again. Today's one of my close friends' birthday, i just wished her through a text message this afternoon. unfortunately there's still no response from her. i wonder why. has she changed her number already, without giving me the idea? im upset. OR perhaps, i think too much. she just doesnt feel like giving out replies cuz it would have cost her a bomb to do so to everyone. perhaps im just not the appreciated one. Alright, i must be thinking too much again. The little voices in my head is telling me to stop. *c-a-r--r-me-n*

Good luck to everyone who will be sitting for the Malaysian University English Test (MUET) this saturday. Especially myself.

Politics

i have always wanted to be in the Reds or Yellows when i was in my alma mater's. it's kinda funny that i would come up with such absurd thought. perhaps it symbolises the justice that we used to have in my school way back then, why on earth would i yearn for such? oh well, i was in Blue. The impairment has its specialty. The former and former will always be treated and remembered so well. That was so unfair.

i couldnt seem to find a way for existence to be seen.

all the very little things just plunged in without any sirens signalled, i am devastated. of all the things that you have sacrificed for at least you feel that you have had, you are then dupped as -useless freak and being treated as a nobody by a lunatic (1) in particular and of course, you (>1) are never left out, having not known me all this while but you think you have; there's a reason why certain objects are so wanted, you just havent. oOo i wish i could yell my lungs out straight to your face that, if so you think im a nobody, please make believe that nobody is perfect, in equality, I am indeed perfect!

u dare me?

yet i do know that im appreciated. massive applause to all of them. lol. I am so not matured, not childish.therefore would you please mind your own business? for now i have finally found my stone, why the hell would i ever forget about the Greens? Like, i am now a Yellow. I truly have gone through the drudgery that the well treated are deemed to. I hope I could make another option instead.

Jeez, i finally meet true Justice.

Unforgiven

perhaps i expected too much from the past. it has all now turned into darkness. i cannot believe myself believing all the lies that i have been lied to. i can never forgive myself for being such an unscrupulous nuisance. for that, i will weep myself a villain.

i know so much that i have been idle but my heart is still beating for this, my dear. im going crazy, things have not been working out so well, and yet, no one hears me. it is just so uneven that when you confide in someone so profoundly that he can hardly understand you, nor can she learn to appreciate the person you have always trying hard to be. then again, it all goes back to the same pathetic ellipse, fact always hurts; they do not overlook you as a friend, let alone a close one. oh well, just some passers-by on the stage i reckon, life's a brief candle my dear, if you are willing to lit that bit up, it will not be reluctant to shine itself bright for you, if, the otherwise. could anyone out there show me an earthly way of knowing such, right, could i have an acquaintance in time, for god's sake?

True friends are rare, really rare. you know i would have [had] you in mind, don't you?
at the end of the day, you will still have yourself. Cheers. =]

Goal.

2006 sucked bad.
everything went on so NOT smoothly.
barricades were along the way offering aid.
thanks so much, it was like i wasn't me at all.
i used to have all the little things i had wanted.
it was all gone in a year.
all gone.

oh well, seems this is an angry post
well its not.
those were just plain truth.
had nothing else to complain about.
those bad stuffs are gone.
hooray for a new year has come.
might be too late for me to welcome this, but the feeling is still there
aint it?
let's just start anew
by not mentioning the new year cliched resolutions
why can we not just do it

love you.
love myself.
love 2007.

Behaviour.

i have come to this touch whereby i can never believe it myself that i am so gonna quit my job. what is it, well, theoretically im quitting my job as a pessimistic. you never know dear.. no matter how much i hated one particular person to have done some unlikely things to me, i could not have been a better person without allowing that one person to have boiled the immense hysteria out on me, it wasnt hot enough babe, if you could only see me now. im gonna fire you instead. and its even funnier when you were all this while trying to squeeze things out from me. gribberish crap, dude. please thank me for giving you that one (1) power to do so. yes, its countable, for there's nothing left. for you, not of me.

im so over it.

shall we just flip through a few more chapters, to dishearteningly find that oh so childish i was. im not a grown-up yet, not entirely. its such a ludicrous thing to say though that im only 18, yet having acted like a fool all this while, well to me im old enough to have just realised this. dear, im willing to change, its not like i can never have a better opportunity to confront my alter ego. you will see a different side of me darling, no worries.

there are tonnes of uncanny things that you never have been exposed to, which im rather particular to just being headed down on, well, look at the other side of the world, everything is just right in front of your eerie eyes to see - be-have-iour. its cool, isnt it? alrighty its not if you dont see it. =)

say, if im a jovial person, i will be able to achieve and to have and to hold a certain pleasure that i have all been seeking for. does it make sense at all, by any chance? well, one's character does change a life. i am so innately motivated by some angels up there. behaviour, oh so tensed. relax, sweetie? *winks* it will just take some time, ' Let go! ' !!

***

hey its the Yuletide season again, for the wondeer-ful moment, eve of the Xmas Eve, hereby i blow a warm kiss to everyone out there! *smoochies*

here's a thing, among the deers, why do people only and only remember Rudolph?? hmm..............

***

Feed the world!!!

Merry Xmas!

why..

im uncertain why im here.

i have not updated myself right here for some time, or perhaps, not even in real life. im not very convinced with the things i have now, well, you could presume im a lil demanding. hell yeah, my expectation is as high as the mountain. but thankfully, not humble.

i dont wanna steal the words from anyone of you out there, i only wanna be myself. yet being one, its not easy. unlike some people, they just go round fumble their pouch everything they want is there. what about me, right, you do not need everything in life. well its not very motivating, it vaguely gives me an idea that you dont take things seriously. i dont pretty much like it.

feel awkward with everyone around me, i start to ponder about the little monster in my head. yeah, im indeed, despisable. do i have to question myself again - will i sink or swim?

i felt so lonely in the pathway. thank you very much.

Il Divo, always

Lonely
The path you have chosen
And restless road, no turning back
One day you will find your light again
Don't you know
Don't let go, be strong

Follow you heart
Let your love lead through the darkness
Back to a place you once knew

Follow your dreams
Be yourself, an angel of kindness
There's nothing that you cannot do

I believe in you.

heaven-sent treat!

for now i really gotta believe the senseless statement i always make to people. well, it's somehow ridiculous in some ways if you don't see it my way - urgh, i lost my bloody new Dopod smartphone which i bought few days back. to be precise, it was only mine for 2 bloody damned days. i was moody at first, but later on, i turned out to be rather fine. it was sorta peculiar though. well, let's just say all thanks to the hot chocolate. *indulgence*

owh about the statement, what about this, well, the main reason God gives us the opportunity to earn some moolahz is because He wants us to be treated in a better condition, with THE money. i guess its provenly true now; no matter how i sillily i tried to escape from fishing out my ka-chings, i'd still have to spend on my SECOND MOBILE (what the heck) !!! agree on that? therefore, i got myself a new pair or Nike yesterday. =p and a NOSEY heels, lol.

gribberish!

all right, im currently working at the Shangri-la Hotel in KL the experience is awesome, you know, get to meet tonnes of new people, and to work with them! guess i do not have to mention the names here for myself as a mark for future reference cuz i'd remember im certain, and you to know them? it's not of importance, hehe dont get misunderstood, just that you wouldn't know them right, even if i DO list em names down, ah.. im outta mind. apologies!

geez, the touch of swaying things out together in a bond is way too brilliant an idea, grateful i am! well, just so coincidently i met 2 of my primary mates there at the banquet, i was shocked in astonishment, cuz one of them is kinda.. well, our parents know each other really well. we didnt have much time to chat the other day cuz she was in a rush, what pity! anyway, i felt a lil somethin' sooner then, spooky lil boogie.. *hehe*

ugh, you wonder how i lost my phone? well, i left it at Shang's ladies, got that? there's a price to pay for E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G !!! dammnit!


***

some days i just dislike myself. i am not firm. i am not generous. i am afraid. i am selfish. i am clumsy. i am all that you think i negatively am. i am indecisive. i am..

worth savin me..

plenty of photo frames abandoned. well, not exactly, there're just right there, in front of my macabre outlined eyes, with the carved-out decoration, like, a gal strutting her assets, the heaven sent innocent gal tryin to do some farming or even the simplest macked out woody ones..what a thing to say, they are just deserted as though they're meant to be. the existence is there but how well can a man misuse it and just shrug it off. just like a peanut. it is absurd.

nothing will be the same ever again, no matter how hard i try, gone are the days with honeyed memories, left are the fake hypocritical faces trying to be the same candy. or is it a rivalry, to be frank? i feel like chucking the faces into the nearest garbage around where noone else could catch me littering it. lol.

as days go by, even the most sophisticated philistines would be on tenterhooks. the practice gives us a moral value to be absorbed; never dwell too much of passion into some things. i know it will hurt really bad before it gets better. i am fooled. at this moment now, anyone'd like to punk me? please do.

no matter how hard i try, i can't love you anymore.

Dilemma

its freaking hard to do this, knowing its not right to drag but still, i have to. i gotta work out a good way to face this lil bug, pleaz, leave me alone. i have thought of ways to make it easy for everyone, generally, but people tend not to appreciate that. say what, Karma, im afraid of that truly. right, i hope i'd feel less remorse of a kind when i do step out wrongly in any ways. well, no regrets in life, remember it always carm!!

or rather, i should throw myself in the crowd, see if there are people who'd have their hands up to keep me in the air, that'd be way cool, like how Brendon Urie'd most probably do when he gets too lethargic of the camisado-hitz and thought of having everyone screaming at him, keeping him soaring high instead and getting carried away with him could jab a fascinating touch to that performance, ouchh!!! i wouldnt have a slight chance to! neither will i jump off frm the stage. lol.

im getting a lil' demented at the very moment, if you'd excuse me!

not forgettin' GN'R

they will never be forgotten. after all the drudgery that they have been through, they certainly deserve such grand tribute, from the deepest core of the heart. Welcome back! this time around, with Chinese Democracy. well, it's been a long time since they have released an album of new material (a profound intrusion having Slash gone!! sigh!). yes, im talking about Guns N Roses! nonetheless, Use Your Illusion I will still be the best album of theirs, i reckon. hehe cuz it simply has my favourite songs in it. *chuckles*

***

November Rain
performed by GnR

When I look into your eyes
I can see a love restrained
But darlin' when I hold you
Don't you know I feel the same

nothin' lasts forever
And we both know hearts can change
And it's hard to hold a candle
In the cold November rain

We've been through this such a long long time
Just tryin' to kill the pain
But lovers always come and lovers always go
An no one's really sure who's lettin' go today
Walking away

If we could take the time to lay it on the line
I could rest my head just knowin' that you were mine, all mine

So if you want to love me
then darlin' don't refrain
Or I'll just end up walkin'
In the cold November rain

Do you need some time on your own
Do you need some time all alone
Everybody needs some time on their own
Don't you know you need some time all alone

I know it's hard to keep an open heart
When even friends seem out to harm you
But if you could heal a broken heart
Wouldn't time be out to charm you?

Sometimes I need some time on my own
Sometimes I need some time all alone
Everybody needs some time on their own
Don't you know you need some time all alone

And when your fears subside
And shadows still remain
I know that you can love me
When there's no one left to blame
So never mind the darkness
We still can find a way

'Cause nothin' lasts forever
Even cold November rain
Don't ya think that you need somebody
Don't ya think that you need someone
Everybody needs somebody
You're not the only one
You're not the only one

Blue October hates me.

perhaps one day when i can move along, i will wake up.

just feel like screaming my bloody lungs out, it's been inside of me for a long period of time already but i havent really gushed it out to you, somehow, ultimately i would. why cant anyone hear me when im calling out for them? as i've always said, the world's never been good to me, or rather i didnt very much appreciate em, but still, i will not have regrets. well, what's more to say then, good things never really give way to people like me.

i might have too high of an expectation but its how you perceive such things in your way, well perhaps, perhaps i should look at it in a different perspective, is it time to have a change, dear?

and hell no, i will never degrade it. like, why say 'pink' when you can say 'fuschia'?

do i have to do the same damn thing over and over again? im angry and i find it dramatically unfair. there are things i really dont feel like doing but i cant speak up cuz it will only do me no good, if not harm. at times, i cannot stand the way it is that is happening around me, or perhaps im selfish myself, i just cant get over some things i am particular with. all right, i'll need some time for that. excuse me.

and another thing is that im blogging all these what seems like a vain effort, hoping something would actually favour this hooligan. laugh with it and to say goodbye to my october. yes its mine, mind you. So long, not good night.