Goodbye 2004!

blink blink!! it's nearly the end of the year. 22 hours to go i guess. what a hectic year i had. this is just so fast. one word, unbelievable! wondering how the year 2005 would be. could it be an apprehensive year? no doubt, it is! well, to me at least. sigh. guess i will be a total nerd next year, uh huh later!! i'm really anxious bout it. cant wait? perhaps.

by the way, when i flipped through The Star newspaper today, i came across a headline that caught my eye. it was this lady, Grace Chow who had passed away on the 5th of december i guess. hey guys please do check that out here. this is really touching, i nearly cried. another cold dark year, i can still remember my grandma died last year and i thought it was the unluckiest year, really. yet it seemed and proved to me that it was so obviously not. undeniably, tsunami wave swept lives away. heartbreaking and depressing.

all right, forget bout all the unhappiness. we cant always stay in the past and having the negative views. let's get positive people!!

welcome 2005!!

Not Myself

there's something that i feel but i cant tell what on earth that is. riding round and round in this melancholy, i feel so down. when i bring myself into this, i'm really feeling it. oh my, this is so absurd, so out of place. at the same time, i keep listening to billy gilman's hits. i'm falling in love with his voice man. i'm still riding, in the middle of nowhere.

tsunami victims, RIP.

Time to Chill

guess i've been playing gunbound all these while. friends were really introducing that game to me, but i didnt really get myself hook on it, coz i never tried. now that i've tried, no idea what it calls.. is this considered as a good thing?

i've already had the answer in my mind; if i do manage my time well then, it is and vice versa. next year is, beyond doubt a big year to me and a really tough year indeed. i have no idea if i can cope it well. the only thing i can do is just try.

ridiculously i tell myself every single year that i am gonna study hard and smart in the forthcoming year. it didnt really work out that way. why? sloth. i'm trying to tell ya that i'm gonna say that to myself again subtlely. lolz.

wish i could save myself from the well blocked up with lethargy. sigh. bored now. time to chill? not again, dont feel like doing anything. so how?

Do They Know it's Christmas?

It's Christmastime, there's no need to be afraid
At Christmastime, we let in light and we banish shade
And in our world of plenty we can spread a smile of joy
Throw your arms around the world at Christmastime
But say a prayer, pray for the other ones
At Christmastime it's hard, but when you're having fun

There's a world outside your window
And it's a world of dread and fear
Where the only water flowing
Is the bitter sting of tears
And the Christmas bells that ring there are the clanging chimes of doom

Well tonight thank God it's them instead of you
And there won't be snow in Africa this Christmastime
The greatest gift they'll get this year is life
Where nothing ever grows
No rain nor rivers flow

Do they know it's Christmastime at all?

Here's to you
Raise a glass for everyone
Spare a thought this yuletide for the deprived
If the table was turned would you survive

Here's to them
Underneath that burning sun
You aint gotta feel guilt just selfless
Give a little help to the helpless

Do they know it's Christmastime at all?

Feed the world
Feed the world
Feed the world
Let them know it's Christmastime again

by Band Aid 20

Research All the Way

life is simple. i can do it.

well, woke up in the morning today and the first thing that came into my mind is that little voice was asking me to buy next year's textbooks and exercise books. where's it? yea, my school. who was the little voice in my head eh? hmm, weirdo. this is unbelievable, time is consuming and i finally realised that i have a lot of virgin exercises piling up high. it seems to me that i can hardly finish everything off. but, i have to.

went straight to school for the books and of course, i had to buy for my younger brother as well. whoa! my brother's books are more expensive than mine!! kewl. later after everything's done, we just headed for lunch and got back home, both in one piece.

sigh. once i stepped into my room, i just had this sort of weird feeling that i have to do research. what?!! research again?? let's face it. i did do it. i do research until now. i manage to finish one out of five. my head is so dizzy over the information that i got. i am so slack right now. i dont want to do anything. i just want to have fun right now. afterall, i am flooded by my procrastination. well what can i say, that's me. phew, have to pick up the phone now.

by the way, 3 days to crimbo.

Excited

today was fun.

my ex-classmates and i went to mid valley today. hmm, there were 9 of us altogether. what an outing. it was like a total different feeling that 2 of us actually transferred and already have adapted into new environment. that's not it that matters but come to think of it, our relationships are just as close as we were. not to mention i did have a slight disappointment, just forget it though. this is the first time that i ever get to have lunch and dinner with friends. yeah, first time ever! this feels great even if i did was in a rush that i was gobbling down my piece of pizza, so greedily. yeah, you might think this is a total crap but i was having a great time. who cares? however, not to suppose me of getting home late. i got back real early. it was only 8. i could still manage to get home right in time for soup. yippie!

feeling a sense of reading a shaggy dog story eh? *lolz* hehe. no, it isnt. this is just as actual as the Newly-weds reality show you watch on television. the one with jessica and nick in it. well, this doesnt mean that i'm into them; not even one of them. no offense. i prefer ashlee! all right, i should stop writing on this topic. coz it will never end whenever i got myself having a self-styled discussion which is related to entertainment. hmm, now that i'm wondering if i ever get myself involved in debates that's connected with entertainment, will i ever win? *lolz*

i spent a lot today. spent a lot on gifts. spent a lot on food. spent a lot on bowling. you name it. anyhow and whatever it is, it's worth it. actually, this is a way of consoling myself i guess. money is spent, what to do?

someone's blushing. thanks for that couple of boxes, hehe. well, my belated birthday gifts. let's put it this way though; take it as extremely early gifts for next year's. =)

Guilty

this is my personal blog, i guess i have to be pretty-honestly frank when i'm writing this. i should and i have to and i ought to and i did and i do, for real. yes, everything that i put much effort on, i am seriously doing it passionately. no kidding. all right, up to the main post. my blog, it understands me and knows me well. knows me better than anyone else in the world. not even myself, well, i'm just uncertain bout it. phew. i should make this a more straightforward way but i cant do it. everybody will be reading this and one who reads this will know how terribly mean i am and how... civilised i am i guess.

rejection that smash straight to your face is really embarrasing but is it really that hurtful? i guess i know but i have no idea bout it. again, i did it. i didnt mean to when it's not my startout point in the first place. this really is not what i intended to do. i seriously feel the guilt now. i totally have lost my mind. i never know why i feel the guilt this time around. perhaps i know and pretending not to know; loyalty.

help me, i believe in something called Karma. guys, what goes around comes around; whatever befalls the earth befalls the sons of earth. i'm afraid this will ever happen to me in the future; the future that no one can ever predict.

i'm so sorry, you'll find someone better.
tight spot. hear me moan.

Pastime

my little brother leaves this house again; he's going out to play badminton with his friends. badminton, football, ping pong, and lotz more... those are not my leisure pursuits, it's his, my cute little brother.

should you ask for mine, i will never know how to answer you. just leave it to yourself; to find it out yourself. only if you really wanna know. but there's one, even if you do not wanna know i'm gonna share it with you. (seems like i'm forcing you to know huh! *lolz*) i have never noticed that i have this favourite pastime, at least not until today that i actually got to realise it. guess what, i like to read story books. i just cant believe that this actually has become my hobby once i left my previous high school. it could most probably be that life there was totally hectic and stressful and i didnt even have my own life. my textbooks gravely hogged my time. that's so terrifying and killing.

hippie, i just finished Life of Pi. it's an uplifting story. it requires intellectual thinkings i guess, you know it's instilled with religions which i'm so not clear about. my brain stops responding, truely oblivious to anything that happens around me whenever i put my hands on that book. i enjoyed reading that book, yeah!

starting another one later, Vernon God Little; my favourite book!! wondering why the book has already become my favourite even i havent already started reading yet? *lolz* actually i've scanned through a few pages earlier before i get the book. =)


14 days to christmas.

Given chances

it's good to see people of my age who can actually compose their own song and perform it. how i wish i could be one.

a friend of mine sent me a track that he and his friends composed themselves yesterday. i tried listen to it; although it wasnt a clear track but i can feel their determination working hard on it and it wasnt that bad actually. it's a nice song yeah. ridiculously, that song even woke my brother up. *lolz* the title of the song is nothing lasts forever. well, good try!! i tried listening to the lyrics of that song but let's just blame the mp3 player. sigh. *sniff*

i did write out some lyrics years back but i have thrown it all away. never know the reasons why i did that, it was indeed right from my heart but i just feel that those were you know, some kind of immature thoughts. only a few close friends got to share those craps, not even my family members. it's not that i dont share with them but you know, you have your inside worlds in different aspects. you have your inner thoughts for sure. not anyone in this world can share all of the secrets with you. for instance, certain people you'll tell them certain secrets but just not all of them. human beings are born like that i reckon, dont ask me why. there are always some secrets that we keep from other people, even it's the someone you share everything with, it's just that natural.

in recent times, i'm self-learning the guitar. things didnt work out the way i expected. i will not lift up the white flag though. not as soon. i must never give up on doing anything else. work it!! i can do it!! i need some kind of self-actualization i guess. can anybody please tell me that. playing guitar, yes or no?

so natural. blur.

A Gap?

it was a great pleasure to have met an ex-primary classmate yesterday when i was shopping for christmas gifts. if i'm not mistaken, guess it was at the British India outlet. i was particularly astounded, really, when i saw tht familiar face.

'hazel, how bout this?'

this looks-familiar-to-me girl was replying her aunt while i was beating faster subconsciously. i dared myself to lift my guts up though.

'hazel?'

her eyes told me that she was stunned.

'..carmen..?!!', i tried to jog her memory.

'ohh..hey!! carmen!!! how are you now??', she stroke me with that hey. this hey here indicates the surprised-hey, instead of the widespread-hey. it wasnt nice of me to be standing there with speechless-yet-slightly-opened lips, waiting for her to bum in another question.

we nodded at each other. tick-tocks away, we exchanged emails for our future use and left the cold air at the same place.

imagine, it has been 4 years of not-meeting and no gatherings that i have ever been to, so to speak, how could there be any conscious minds to start off any gap-less conversation. just a conclusion: we are both not the kind of person who can actually bridge the gap without stinting.

Another Day

after a sleepless night, i seriously am not sleepy. ask me why? no idea.

having holiday is so much fun although it's so boring at home. hey, at least i can have lunch with family. let alone family members are cool enough, it doesnt have to be bombastic-cum-expensive dishes. heh, having lunch with family is so much cooler than dinner man. not to mention breakfast; sometimes or should i say most of the time, once i wake up, it's already noon. my brothers? ditto. *laugh out loud* aiks, i, myself also havent any clue why having lunch is better. you tell me.

im so bored right now. no intentions to do my homework because i know earlier that my homework is never will be done. poor gurl. show me the way please. peace.

Fingertips on Air

apparently, i posted an invisible post. god didnt agree with my decision of posting it to be read by anyone. furthermore, i now dont have the urge to rewrite the same old thing that i wrote just now. again, my then feeling has changed after a relaxing shower. phew. therefore, i'll just let it be. perhaps, this is the will of god. or perhaps, he didnt want those words to be known by anyone; just dont let it be heard or seen. whatever.

i learnt a lesson though; not to fuss over things that dont seem to turn out the way we expected it to be. i was quite irritated when i saw the error that occurred on this flat screen minutes ago or should i say hours? and before you know it, i was already not in the mood of talking and everything.

before my emotion comes back and traces me, i ought to forbid my fingertips for being so agile right on top of these randomed-alphabets, roman numbers, and all to practice its speed any longer. i was walking alone on the boulevard of broken dreams. and depressed for real. inspired by the green day, thanks.

what am i typing? what am i crapping? what am i to do? where should i go? have i ever gone right? or havent i? what do i know? i dont know...

crappy lame post.

Believe

"Where?"

"Why, to the North Pole, of course. This is the Polar Express!"


a robert zemeckis film. believe. a masterpiece. 

"It doesn't matter where the train is going. What matters is deciding to get on."

seeing is believing. believe, it lies in our heart sooner even before you genuinely realise and touch it. you gotta decide it, yourself.

Staying Alive & Peace

i'm glad
when i'm waiting
tons of thoughts rush into my mind
it's so unpredictable
even when i'm walking with the time
it's ticking my senses away

i'm numb
at the very moment
holding my story book
with my fingers
hesitant in my mind
playing my thoughts again

still waiting
for the one to pick me up
every cars that passes by
keeps my nervous system
going insane and crazy

i'm confused
not knowing what's the purpose
somebody please tell me
the answer
for the zero i asked

carry on waiting
and still
waiting the time of your life
for the days will come
in the long run

then again
it's unpredictable
and so erratic

i'm perspiring
the unknown cells
tell it to my mind
think positively
it says

if you think you're one of the lucky ones
always bear it in your mind
if you're assuming
you're the unfortunate ones
you're wrong
there are way too many queueing
behind you
you wont notice it
by just turning around

think spiritually
it's just a matter of time

i'm broken
am like the fish
behind the glass
it's mine
me alone

i did i did
the tweety bird once cheered me
i think i saw a no one
she shrieked again

i swim again
behind the glass

yes alone
it's so sad
no one can hear me
in the murky water

they say
the world outside
has a deeper sea
can i swim
can i handle the pressure
it's hard to walk this path alone

dont you catch the idea now
we are one
in a world filled with colours
the story goes on


it's the world aids day. stay alive!
hold on to your voice behind you and think twice. you wont get infected by just a mere touch. be good to everyone else; especially them. you know who i'm referring to.

a friend of mine is celebrating birthday today. what a crash with the world aids day. no offense, dude. i might not be the first to wish you, but here's my sincerity. happy birthday, ant. would you like to request that song? =)

'you wont be infected by smiling and hugging them.'- sean p.diddy comb.

peace.

Contennial District Interact Conference 2004

i'm dead worn out! exhausted man!! no idea what makes me feel so, the trip was meant to be those kind of useful-thingy (tips) for our future. should i state the first day's programme down here and you tell me your views.

day 1
1400-1415 : interactors to be seated in the hall
1415-1425 : arrival of invited guests & rotarians
1430 : arrival of guest of honour district governor, dato' ir a.p. perumal
1435 : raising of flags
1440 : singing of national anthem
1450 : roll call of interact clubs
1500 : welcome speeches & key note address by the guest of honour
1600 : tea break
1615 : a talk on 'rotarians examples to youth by pp charlie chan
1700 : a talk on 'what's next after interact club' by pp zaini mufti
1745 : briefing on team building
1845-1945 : dinner
2000-2230 : performance by interact clubs & social activities
2245 : light supper
2300 : good night

so that was the first day. you can see that it's really healthy, needless to mention the consequtive days. i kind of appreciate it because it has changed my views of seeing things. i will not state it here but you may find it out yourself. i have no idea whether my friends have changed any but i can tell ya, i do. this is definitely for real. friends? i did meet a few of them. they were cool. they accompanied me when i was searching everywhere for a companion. by the way, it was still imperfect as i still had my lonely times. sigh. 'who doesnt?', you'd say, hehe.

guess next year i'm not going. the reason? no no, this conference worths it. the reason is just as simple as the h-u-g-e examinations i'm going to sit for. just as i think about it, i released a sigh of relief because i went to the conference. no regrets. big thank yous for my friends who enthusiastically wasted saliva on me. pardon? did i say the word 'wasted'? oh noo...
it was meant to be a joke, ignore it.

photos are attached hereby. enjoy!


i love it here, the serenity. 


rotary club of pudu.  


interact club of my school. cheers guys. 

'i dont know what your destiny will be, but one thing i know, the only ones among you who will be really happy are those who sought and found how to serve.' -Albert Schweitzer

Service Above Self. Create A Better Tomorrow.

Youthy Trip

for some reasons, i couldnt get connected for few days. now that i'm back, i have to leave for a trip to shah alam for three days. therefore, i must capture this opportunity to blog. else, i would have left my blog deserted for another few days. i just cant let myself to treat my alter ego like this.

wondering how the trip will be like... i'm just curious about it, but it doesnt really distract my activities or motions. kinda weird huh? it cracks my head; not the trip but this odd feeling. this looks so seemingly familiar to me when it's not in reality. how could this be?

for your information, it's held by the interact club. yeah, i've finally made up my mind. i'm going. i'm taking off tomorrow. be good, i'll be back. hehe, you're definitely allowed to miss me when i'm not here. muaks!

Perfect

Practice makes perfect.

what a simple one which a lot of people come across and are always telling the younger ones or their friends about it. i mean, everyone is telling one another just to get something done.

everyone has their own limitations. we cannot force ourselves to do something we do not want to do and out of the league. we need to stand on the ground, firmly. we must not get carried away. the first and foremost, just do our very best. for everything. examine our goals and strive through it.

human beings tend to get jealous or envious about their partners or friends easily. stop thinking whoever around you that's having this problem, it might be you. yeah, you! do you ever notice why they can get such great achievements? no, it's not that they're born with gifted talent or divine, but their perspiration. the only difference is that they've already realised their goals and started to perspire indefatigably earlier than we do. have you?

i dont mean to struggle to break out of the limits, it's not the way it should be though. just try our best. everything has its limits, keep that in mind pals. allow me to voice my heart out. practice makes perfect? come to think of it, nobody is perfect in this world but on the other hand, we are told 'practice makes perfect'. what, is it a quandary? here the same saying goes again, this is life. we have to get on with life and life goes on. and so on.

i'm sorry i cant be perfect...

Tiramisu

can you believe this?? haha, colleen celebrated my birthday just now with my friends!! a really belated birthday!! exactly a month, even later than that! i really appreciate it!!! it was so much fun spending time eating the voracious, lip-smacking tiramisu!! wow, it was soo cool!!

this is all planned! god has given me another big surprise this time around. i woke up late today; overslept. keke, when i finally fought my way there, colleen told me that there would be a debate later on, it was so startling!! i had nothing filled in my mind, except the schedule of visiting the hell and forecasting what to do next, coz i was most probably not familiar with the hell-thingy, hehe. put aside the debates, i did took part before. hey, at least not today!! what a rush when i had already overslept and greeted everyone wrongly in the morning!!

my oh my, tiramisu, i even licked the rich cream, with my tongue of course, haha.. the 'birthday girl'!! hmm, planning to go out again for movies haha!! =) what a wonderful morning, words cant really describe my feelings right now. i'm just beggaring description over this!!

it's really made my day!! hope everything goes right later on. muakss!!

Tiramisu, Tiramisu, tiramisu... awww!
zillions of thank yous to Secret Recipe for coming out with such incredible recipe!! there're still some left in the fridge, gonna eat it now!! so long, farewell and ciao!!! *laugh out loud*

Family Chill

i met him finally!! he has put on weight, hehe!! he told me that he's gonna keep fit, how funny he was!! then i was like, 'Nooo!!'. anyway, you cant expect your grandpa to keep fit right? moreover, he's still considered as one of the skinny ones even though he's put on weight. he's not big-boned!! =)

this family reunion was actually for my beloved grandma who left us peacefully last year. she was fighting against the liver cancer ad something like that. i dont wanna elaborate more on that coz i will really get emotional. all right, so that was her first anniversary according to the Chinese calender. everyone who's part of the family came yesterday but let's omit the absence of one of my uncles being abroad in russia for his business. we definitely understand that.

when it reached its climax of the day, my o'lil cousin sista wanted to take her nap! so, me being her lovely cousin sista, created a so-called Carmen's Lullaby for her. you might know what it was, go figure! *wink*

Later after that, they came up with a suggestion; to catch a movie. Shark Tale i guess. it'd be fun to go with them, but the thing was i had already seen the movie. furthermore, i had to get on shift later that day. i really wanted to go with them, but sigh...

so that was the end.

Numb

havent been blogging for days, i miss it so much. ever since i started my part-time job, i feel like my days are jam-packed. it just feels so. it's really tiring although i dont have much to do. wake up in the morning, go to school in search for some roars which is a total joke, come back home for slightly a rest then get off to work; this is my circle of each day. except for the days i skip school. these days wont be long though, the holiday is just around the corner. 4 more days to go, i think.

there will be a family reunion this sunday at my grandpa's place, cant wait to meet all of them especially my grandpa; wondering how he has changed since the last time i met him. i've been waiting for that day to come so desperately. in addition, i missed out a lot of opportunities to visit him despite my hectic days and the time didnt match. what a world i live in! or should i say a coincidence? there are never gonna be barricades in front blocking my way there this time man!

talking about reunion, it brings me into another confusion. i have been frowning for days (yes, days!) to decide whether or not going to a conference held by the interact club. i am indeed an interactor, for that matter. and now, another big question mark's in my head!! a primary 6 reunion that is. i havent made up my mind just yet. the excuse for not going would be my job. yet, here it rows again, my mind. please show me the ray of light, to go or not to go?

i am made numb by the decisions i have to make and sorry for bugging you. you know who you are. so sorry and thank you by the way.

***
chill out corner: Bush won! what a lame joke!
it doesnt affect me much though, i mean why should i?