The Change

now have i become another person?

the person who believes the way you act and the quality of life that one lives, defines who you really are. for myself to achieve that sort of new contentment, is still a long, long way to go.

occasionally having conversations with the few people who are able to lift me up and having me ponder over my life, gets me lost in the highway - unfortunately. and in fear of being alone in the car.

perhaps a little less conversation could help.

i am losing my track and at this moment i could really use some lights.

Build God

people are moving forward. it is that time of the year again - watching the people whom you enjoy working with, or not - leaving. sometimes we are just not given the right time to raise the inner voice in our head. for i am glad where i am at present, still i wish i could have been at more places. places where the inward journey is achieved.

like everyone, i am not getting any younger. i for the first time in my life, feel like am beginning to find God. the strength is so empowering i feel like having someone in with me in this. life is so beautiful when you are able to feel.

during this Lunar New Year, I was home and it is never enough. as cliche as it is, the parents deserve more happiness and good health.

please please give me the opportunity to fulfil.

From Last to First

2011 ended in a good note. it has flown by too unbelievably fast - only till the month of October last year had i realise it was actually 2011. it feels like i was just making a sheer appearance and now it is already a new year, it is now 2012.

perhaps i was really so caught up with my own world - i did not even realise i have not been posting for more than a year. it shivers me, there was nothing left to say in year 2011, at all. procastination must have taken over me - more so, the hustle & bustle of the City.

it was a big transition for me. i have had few diversions from the usual to the current. it is indeed a new year, i am amazed by my own actions in a flashback. with the risk that im taking, i know as hell challenges are bound to be. i cannot say that i am ready but i am absolutely willing to face the consequences. come as it may, i am contented with who i am today.

thank you life.

flash from heaven

perhaps so tied up with work. and with nothing. i dare not face myself.

this catatonic body in troubled waters is killing me diligently. i need my inner strength back. people are happy in their lives, why am i not? nobody cares.

it ain't one of those days until i cry.

love all; hate none

as i hover my mouse to the 'sign in' link, i am totally oblivious to the exact date that i last posted in here. i know it must have been quite awhile. my dear readers perhaps no longer do their routine drop-by anymore. especially with the likes of Facebook, Twitter, Tagged and whatsoever, you name it, not that im attempting my best to catch up with trend. i only have a Facebook account for that matter. call me whatever you like.

please excuse me, i know its ridiculous to say that, oh im too busy with this and that, and i have no time for my blog. bullshit, they're all excuses. i have learnt that im sorta running away, so far from grace. i am too childish to be independent. i dont admit that i feel fortunate at times. i dont admit that i do feel pretty sometimes. in retrospect, i practically only complain about life and have never come to treasure the things that im blessed with.

thank you so much for being so patient with me. im learning how to live, i wish i could grow old with you-know-who-but-i-doubt-if-you-would-ever-read-this. i want to be appreciative. i want to be a better person. personalised and captivated by wisdom, i will learn to love to live, to love.

i hope you hear me.

alwys

i wish i could turn back time. there are things i have said and i alwys feel like saying the same thing over and over again. am i being too stubborn? righteousness is a positive attitude but i guess its taken its toll on me. there's no way i can see light again.

people think im young. perhaps the problem lies in me, i will never have that kinda life i wish i had. it aint fairytales darling. lets face it. this is your life, it is my life.

im getting way down. he told me if i carry on with the right attitude and i will go far. there's alwys price to pay darling, sacrifice to make or rather. what kinda path do i wanna choose? is this that kinda question whereby evryone would ask? doesnt it sound cliche to you? to me, hell yes and i actually find myself being immature right now. i dont need anyone to tell me what to do, i know wht is right and what not.

i wish i were 10 years older.

it was with me.

and i got it. im contented and im relieved.

its another passage. i cant wait any longer to see the real me.

***

i used to wish i could be a better person in your eyes all of the time. i know though no matter how hard i try i am still gonna be me and it doesnt change the fact that i am all alone in this. you didnt knw what i found out all along thinkin we were set but boy i feel so sad for you this time, that nothing's gonna bring back the old days.

cuz i am now awake.

blood. sweat. and Fears.

no matter how much you yearn for something, making prayers everywhere you go, keep frowning over things that aint gonna happen, you are still gonna face it someday. perhaps something good. be brave and face it carm! why am i so such a coward? like cats are eerie to me, im not afraid of taking new challenges.

then again, desire chanced upon the curiosity in the minimal fragile heart. first, give me that, give me the opportunity to pull through. tinkle me with that wink of your eye, tell me i can make it at least. these sleepless nights are killing me day by day. i keep thinkin about it. i keep going on shopping spree to release the tension. oh well, you knw me, its merely an excuse to buy new things. i admit that. though i have no idea why i think i deserve this that i neglect all the other beneficial offers and the very fringe benefits from different parties. call me pigheaded, or just simply being obstinate sometimes (hell yeah, only sometimes lol) i only want this. nothing else.

and just for the record, i support Steve Jobs but i think Microsoft should launch their own phones too as suggested by newscaster, Bill Rigby in Seattle. i suppose a lot of ... people (lol) out there would be longing for it, perhaps i will try out but.. but but.. not to the extent whereby these 2 newyorkers got married in an Apple store for being too deeply in love with each other and the Apple products. ah, jokers. lol.

well..

maybe i will fall but i knw i will make it this time. wish me luck.

whatever apologies you make sometimes are just never gonna be enough. i wish i could help. spare me some time darling.

there's ths thing called - anticipation

people say, 'to await for the opportunity' but it doesnt come knocking at your door. it doesnt stop at your door. you might get the bell, but not the knocking, all the other rest, you just gotta grab hold of them yourselves. no one but yourself.

i did all tht i've gotta do. now its time that i waited for the last chance. there are things in life, i know i need them so much but in most incidents, i dare not raise my voice. and there i let them slip away. so far away from me, i do not regret. i just move on. at least im making my best attempts here. it is funny we have to make decisions, i swear its the last thing i want to do, right, decisions fail us sometimes. but there's alwys another window that's open for us. whether u want to close it, it all boils down to your own hands.

this time, i let it open. i walk the line.

down to my last

perhaps i dare not face the brutal reality. perhaps i really think ignorance is bliss. perhaps everything is secondary. perhaps everything is merely details. what is the point?

keep wondering why, why and why. but alwys, there isnt answers to the questions i ask. it has become a cliche but there ain't anythn we can do about. im tired of this sickening hesitation. should i? would i? or could i?

do you see you're all i need? im alwys emotional. accept me for who i am. dont try to change me. i will learn as i grow up. and i will appreciate every single thing i've learnt. i gotta be alive when im sober.

a question always pops up whnever the new year is near: new year resolutions, anyone? i believe evryone has at least one. whether or not its achievable. you gotta have it. make one if you dont have yet. great years ahead man, good luck!

i knw i hv been blessed. i thank You. cheers.
merry christmas and a happy new year!!! (yes, its a norm!!) luvyah!! =p

ps: gonna celebrate during xmas 'n have a blast on new year's eve, you have one too!! till then! peace out peeps!!

crap

its been awhile. havent got time to blog. and i've just come back from a long trip. tht was great but i miss my family so dearly. so so desperately. i wanna go home again.

then im sick

aint it funny? i've finally fallen ill. people, im sick!

and im sick of the things around me. i seem to be living in denial; denial in disguise. i hate this feeling, when is it gonna be subsided? im awaiting for time to come. and why do i have to face this all alone here. well i can say i have made a lot of sacrifice so far. if you yearn for something, you've gotta surrender some of your belongings. and then you weigh it yourself if it is all worthwhile. what about it? do i still have you in my life? having said that, i guess i only need my close friends to make it on my way.

it seems i am frantically not very happy with what i have - the way im being treated. im sorry i pray for Karma.

im still here

time goes by, so slowly that i dread myself to wake up. it all boils down to this fuckin reason that i cant sleep at night. i mean how could this happen to me, ever? believe it or not, i have not been having good nights lately despite the excessive spending on this and that. that's just what a girl does, nothing special. i practically rely on these to escape from my daily dull routine. i've fallen into the edge of darkness. whatever i do looks wrong to me.

i walk around trying to understand

shouldnt you be amazed or havent you wondered why i didnt blog on my 21st birthday?? ah, did i just mention it, hell yeah im officially 21. im 21. wht the heck. i dont feel like it. in spite of the many many friends celebrating birthdays in october, it just feels like an ordinary day slipping subtly away. and i didnt have complaints. just like any birthdays you celebrate, you're bound to receive gifts. in singapore, i dont have many friends. having said that, i did receive some from unexpected people. really grateful of their kindle thoughts. i dont know why but i know im blessed. unfortunately im afraid of the day where i wouldnt get any gifts from god. if you love me, i would appreciate it even by a mere 'happy-something'. i do, really do. believe it or not, i cried myself to tears the moment i got the greetings from certain people. not just any other friends.

right now during this earthly hour, i keep calling jet but he's not giving any response. i wish i could help. perhaps he's too exhausted. the fatigue that one has to go through when things dont always go your way, and yet you just have to pull through. i totally feel it. constantly indeed.

someone please hear me. sometimes, i hate myself for being me.

life's a bitch.

i have no idea why im being treated in such an unjust situation and what have i done wrong? why do they have to do these things to me? am i not strong enough that you gotta cast a spell on me, that im blinded by the randomness, that i have to go through all of these and realise something else on earth? if yes, please do, im ready and i wont let you down.

and right there, as i read again of what i've just written, i feel so immature. you can call me childish. we have first world countries, third world industrial countries as well as developing countries. i think, i might as well be labelled as one developing human. a human being that needs decades just to prove to herself that she's capable. or perhaps not. she knows well that it all lies in the hands of god, the future. who can predict the future? nobody does.

i dont even have time to procrastinate. always in the midst of searching for excuses, making attempts to run away from reality. im such a big fat coward. the fat one. that the ass is unadjustable - that cannot be moved - the ass which cant me moved.

how will i knw

every sip of absolut ruby red reminds me of so much.. not the good times but the otherwise.
and i keep drinkin'.

well, perhaps im just tryin to make a big turn in this one-way street. if all the people in the world were to be born with a lil bit more etiquette, it wont ever trigger the nerve-wrecking situations; anywhere, anyhow. having said that, without it we tend to lose some kind of consciousness. we actually care for the people around us, very much. we just dont realise it until its gone. i know its a cliche to say this, but im constantly out of my mind. i am always being carried away by the hustle and bustle of the city. if you wanna talk abt the Orchard Road, go ahead.


i cant let go. it's the problem with me, i can never let go of something.

i hate myself for being too compassionate. it worths no standing ovation but of something if you're really goin through, you feel extremely terrible. believe me, you'll be doomed to a condition whereby nothing seems to rhyme.

please show mercy. thankeww.

how many times a day

there are the things that we dont understand in life, and i still dont understand. im gonna start babbling about life again. perhaps im a really boring person or some nuisance struggling so hard making an attempt to have better days in life. and then you start to ponder; you work so hard, by the end of the day, are you really sure if thats wht you want, if thats wht you have been craving/dying for? is it all worthwhile after all the drudgery?

how many times a day do i have to fall down?

someone please hit me a thousand times every morning so that i will not cry at the end of every day alone here in my bed shrinking so enormously tiny having too much thoughts in my head. and is it true if we laugh too much we will then cry? and if God exists, does He have to be so fair to us? stop telling me its one of those days again and again, only if everything is so easy to be fixed. dont worry about me, im not in a mess.

im just thinking too much.

and anything can happen even without your most foolish knowledge. you dont know what you have done wrong to be treated in some really unjust manner sometimes; most of the time. what happens to the nostalgia good ole memories? have you forgotten em all? i believe all of us have gone through some really unforgettable experiences. those memories will stay forever. as long as your spirit does, they will. as distressing as it might sound, i dont wanna believe in memories, i am selfish, i want to have em all close to my chest. and there, then again, what do i do to make it happen? nothing. hate me because i have alot of lame excuses to my alter ego. and hoping to feel better. or not.

i hope i could really live my life believing in the phrase "carpe diem". sometimes in life, in whatever aspects, you just need to seize the day. perhaps i should not take things too seriously. i have been trying my best, so much, to apply that in life ever since i was exposed to this phrase whereby robin williams played it so well in Dead Poet's Society (take some time off for this movie). i am always grateful for the ones who constantly instill wisdom in my head - you definitely knw who you are if you're reading this and if this triggers your feeling, thank you so much. you knw i love you.

dear readers who know me, even only by name, i fell umpteenth times and still alive vigorously kicking. make it good, be better. dont you cry, you know you can count on me whenever you need me. just let me know.

love it or drop it

i will not start off with something that bore you readers this time by saying how lifeless i am or how pathetic i am because i might not be the same again. some people say im naive or too innocent but.. i guess not. let me just prove it to you, no worries, neither will it be verbally or in written form. time will take the lead.

life, oh life. life's like a cyclone; there're ups and downs and that, indeed is the cycle of life. you probably think im rambling again this time huh, well, perhaps? i met this 3 tourists from London and we started talking. i must say i love their accent and the way they put on their yves saint laurent shirts on, woof, they're so charming! haha, yes its abit dramatic but as the conversation goes, we started talkin about life. i appreciate what this guy was trying to convey to me but heck, he's a guy and im a .. girl? or lady.. or woman.. or whatever u call it, i cannot just live THE WAY he does!! and its not something that's in your mind right now, it is something more, something more profound than what you got in mind.

and it is those times like that, that you dont feel like ending the conversation but.. you're running outta time and you gotta leave!! i dont wanna talk about what we have shared but the thing thats in my head now is not how charming they are or how hilarious they have been.. but to fathom the beauty of life. and how disappointing it is sometimes. by god's grace, he chance upon the opportunity of letting u guys meet, get to exchange opinions and having a motivational talk, the next big thing you knw is that the moment can not stay any longer. it just had to end.

it is not what you want; by force or by chance, we just have to move on to another pages of our lives. for evryone that i meet, i open another book for them to fill in rather than continuing with another chapters because i believe that evryone is so unique that we do not knw if we might bump into each other again and it might take your lifetime to finish the book. a chapter is a chapter, you will not go to somebody to tell someone which chapter you find most interesting, instead you recommend the book to somebody and it is then up to them, whether to get the book to find out for themselves or to miss the train. by the same token, if you try to read one of the chapters in a book, you might not fully comprehend its content and yet it might even backfire - you dont really know what the chapter is all about and you get confused.

sometimes you just have to let go to discover something more. perhaps it doesnt promise you the best life on earth but at least you will not have regrets in life. as william penn expressed his touch of kindness - i expect to pass through this life but once. therefore should there be any kindness i can do for someone, let me do it now for i shall not pass this way again.


# next to an irish dublin bar: the impeccable interior of moie.

allen Allen

no im not talkin abt lily allen.. no offence lol

i know this is insane but im so in love with Kris Allen.. haha i found myself falling in love with him when he first started singing Falling Slowly. i mean it has always been my favourite, who in the love of God, would sing such a song in a competition like american idol? lets not talk abt britain's got talent's susan boyle or the likes. kris certainly has my vote!! mentally lol.

and i dont even care if Ms California Carrie Prejean would still keep her overrated crown after all the topless photos and comments about gay marriage. they are just, phew, good-for-nothing. Donald trump's just deemed the racy photos as acceptable and to call them 'lovely'. ahh. i mean, she's hot. lol havent seen her in those photos though...erh.. yet!! not yet lol perhaps someday out of the blue, or perhaps not. i gravely have no interest in all these but for KRIS!!! hello???

look at him.. aww.. lol

kicking a good start

its so hard to face walking home alone. when there's no one at home expecting you back, gravely you dread to reach home that soon. therefore i will always find myself end up taking bus home. it is not because its cheaper but it takes longer time to reach home. ridiculous isnt it, in fact, taking bus home is more expensive than takin the subway. i treasure long excursions. yes i do.

as usual as it is, i went for carls jr for a hearty breakfast. yes i knw they always come in large portions but i dont care. as long as im happy, right? i do have friends here.. i cant comprehend why i should feel this way but i really miss home. even if im home alone i will never find myself being lonely. i was always as busy as bee, living that kinda hustle and bustle way of life. in comparison food from home is always better but in other regards things down here in singapore are undoubtly more audacious and interesting.

its just very difficult for me to trace back that state of grace in me anymore. very difficult. i didnt treasure the life i used to have; the hectic life i was leading. i have always been making complaints to the alter ego about how others are having the time of their lives but im not. perhaps its just those days again whereby this kinda feeling is hitting on me again. Geez!

Aaaaanyway, after the breakfast i went home straight. the unusual me, i didnt doze off once i got on the bus. in fact, i was wide awake, yes after the looong night, i was still energetic and as i passed by orchard road, i was thinkin to myself if i should hop off the bus. you knw, doing the thang girls do. yet i didnt. i was just being a real slacker at that point of time. oh well, not exactly, cuz i got a date late evening and i knew if i had gone down, i wouldnt have enough rest. so there, i surrendered to the daylight.

Got home and took my long shower. Coping with stress, i slept and woke up for dinner with my friend at NewYorkNewYork. shoud you have interest, check it out here cuz i didnt feel like taking pictures of food today. anyhow, it was awesome and the waffle was mouth-watering. very good experience there, thumbs up especially for the ambience and the music!

i realise so much has changed whereby i try to do so much but nothing seems to go my way. evrything backfired; still does. shall i give up? or should i carry on striving/struggling? or will i understand?

i gave and give the best in me just so things would turn out well. there's just always a - [but] in a sentence and its NOT a good thing babe. love me or hate me, i beg to differ.