being fake

i cant believe im eating suga-lollies right now at this time. it is a gift from jet's friend very long time ago. he has been keeping it, for the love of chatting, i think he's forgotten that this thing actually still exists in his rack. therefore he should thank me, cuz im helpin him finish em. for your information, i've never really fancied sweets, lollipops, candies..anything but chocolate, oh bittersweet chocolates. nice. though i think im a little down now, i have no idea why. its moodswings, perhaps? but for everyone who's moody, there's gotta be a reason. maybe its a reason that's close to being an excuse that im so reluctant to share. you know, its not that i dont want to but.. its gonna create havoc if i do.

it is so late at night, jet is snoring(no u didnt see this lol) sleeping soundly. he's sleeping with his hoodie, its cute. aww he's got an itch and he's scratching it. well that reminds me of this little philosophy; fill the empty, empty the full. when there's itch, scratch it. is life just as simple? i dont think so. then again, i also know that when there's a 'prroblem', it indicates the process of growing up. and im sure that will make us stronger. i strongly believe that because i've gone through some really hard times. who doesn't, anyway?

at times i do get envious of people who could be having fun every single day. dont they have worries? im sure they do. or is it just me or they are good at covering up or god is giving them the easier way to walk this broken road?

suddenly oh suddenly, breathing seems so hard to do.



























































































































































im not dead yet. im just stuck and at the bottom of this box, they're plenty of conversations to make. i could be so passionately replying or the otherwise. im sorry babe, im not in the mood. at this time now, as i was hovering my mouse searching for something, i found this.

it was taken when i just got off from a very happening shopping spree and right after that i was gonna go to this place called Crown where i lost big bucks there, yeah it's indeed a casino. talkin about that actually makes me smile. what's happened to me, do i miss those days when i keep dishing out money? hehe. well, the funny thing is, i actually feel alot better now.

yeah, i think im a nutcase. and i think you're speechless now too. =) oooh, okay..i know i looked kinda shhweeet to some (thanks!) and pretty effing fugly to others (thanks too!!) but i couldnt care less, could i?

cheers. this is how easy to crack myself up. only i can do that, i just realised. so. peace out! xoxo.

Korean Ricecake!!!

wow, i didnt know and never ever in any way i should have a tinge of this tiny thought that i'd get to taste this pretty-awesome dish right here at Tassie!!! its ricecakee!!!!!!!!! hahaha, didnt really like this in Sydney, at one of the restaurants that caught my brother, Jet's eyes. he bought 2 or 3 boxes i guess. its that delicious to him! well, as for me, i only liked the spicy sauce and the taufu. well, i could still remember that moment, i was holding my bladder (yes, again lol) looking for toilet. hehe. so what about today? the korean guy, George actually made us some really delicious ricecake! hehe, yummy. i loved the sauce, typical me. hehe.

to tell the truth, when i was writing this blog, i was politely yelled by Jet saying that it was his turn to surf the internet therefore i've in fact saved this post as draft and im 'completing' it. so yeah, i had an unexpected nice snacks! cool!

there was a time when he asked, "do you want me to make again?" frankly in my heart i was jumping and yelling a big yes, but of course, i only gave him a smile. hey, my reputation and image are essential, haha! it was very generous of him anyway..

unchanging.

people can just go so crazily-mad abt 3G iphone. someone actually told me in a quick catch up in Sydney about how he has been awaiting the phone to be launched and that he would definitely sign up for the plan. well, you know who you are! hehe. long-awaited 3G iphone, people actually crave for you. the circle is getting bigger. and bigger. have u got yours now? =)

im not so sure if i should get a hand on that.
whatever.

previously i was so obssessed about blogging. i would think of my blog at all times, about what i've written. its all about self-actualization as i've mentioned in earlier posts. perhaps much, much earlier on. you will ultimately realise the consequences that might occur or might not in what you have done or have said throughout the whole day. i have random feelings now, with so much sorrow...ahhhh...i wouldnt 'label' it as sorrow, but a thing to ponder on. i should because it is time.

i spoke to this korean guy just now. we have shared a short conversation while he was having his hotpot with ham and seasoned squids ( wow, its nice! =p ) and me, drinkin my milk and chewing on the chunky pink lady apple. ah, it is always times like this when people ask me, "how do you do here? " or "what are you doing right now?". i would be all stunned. i did not really know how to answer them. for the record i would actually blame myself deep inside, why did i not work a little harder on my previous examination so that my life now would be easier. and that everytime when others ask me those questions, i would have a quick answer in my head and to be proud of. not now though.

look at me now, i laugh it away.

don't worry about me, it is similar to, Love is just a feeling. metaphorically it means the same. lol. i will stand up and do a Phoebe-Comeback. perhaps it didnt all go so well, but im certain that there should always be a small group of audience. they will be supporting me all the way, won't you? thankeeew very muchhh..!!

nice.

dont get me wrong though. i do not treat Love as being only a feeling. its the otherwise instead. i appreciate all the love in the world. let's say a little prayer for the Darkness for misleading us!! haha. in some ways, they do make sense. i think im also missing some of my friends here, now that im so far apart away from you guys, of course, i miss my family more! hehehe. and my very close friend-cum-mentor. she knows who she is if she ever visits my blog. and if she has time. and provided with another IF, she still remembers my blog since there are so many carmen-s since foreverrr~~ lol. i will stop now cuz i know im getting a lil crappy right now. haha.

uhm, waiting for my brother..but i already knew what he would say once he comes home. "any complaints?" lol. such a good and adorable sister i am! *winks* well, you don't practically have to know what that relates to, but yeah, you dont have to know. wahhaa. im insane. GEE! my bladder is full, gonna pee now! see ya!

you are my rock, the one i hold on to.
still you make time for me, i can't understand.
how beautiful is your unfailing love.
my unfailing love.

aussie, im here!

perhaps its due to the little awkward side of me that i only have the inspirational thoughts when im really having a problem to myself. most of the time when i do post, its only because i have severe contemplation or too depressing moments. they're normally untold and kept inside of me. and me. however i hope this time, i post, is not enthused by my sad moments, or rather, emotional feelings.

how time has passed, im already right here in australia. remember how i yearned to quit my job and come to aussie? i worked hard for this. well, i would say that im having alot of fun here, as well as anxieties. i have sorta forgotten what are those like, but happy moments, they're all inside my head. okok, as for the depressing part, in a way, i grow with them too, they're still kept with me in a subtle way. for good! uhm, guess i wont spill the beans out to you.

i have been to many places that i dont even know where to start with myself. i am currently shaking my legs in melbourne city at the very precious moment. why would i bring it out this way, basically because i've so fallen in love with this city that i dread to get back to tassie in a few days' time. i wouldnt say i despise tasmania but it is really calm and peaceful there. hello, im 19? for sure i would love somewhere where i could bring out the lively side of me..lol i mean, places like sydney or melbourne. tassie is a place of too many 'civilised' ones, erh they do not have the hyperactive feeling, if you get me. lol. okay, im goin on 20, stop doubting. so, whatever. hehe. throughout all these days, i have learnt alot. this is really a knowledgeable trip, for the record im still kicking in the city. its not the end yet, wow! =) in whatever way that it may cost me, it is all so worthwhile. i dont think i can ever do this when im really focusing in my studies in a bit, or when im in the working society. figure this out, who can ever take a 3 months of break and spend some money, getting away from the sickening country (well, sometimes it does piss me off, lol) and go abroad, to a country of your own options and spend hell lots of money on shopping spree, foooood, adventures...and the list goes on??!!

australia is a beautiful country, malaysia isn't.

i have taken many pictures but i dont have the time to upload all of them here, hehe it is also due to my slight procrastination but anyhow if you have facebook, you may be able to view all of the nice photos there, i do that so that my adorable mom can get access to the pictures at home herself and she doesnt have to bug me about how the condition right here is treating me. hehe, just joking, of course i would be more than willing to tell her the detailed information IF she ever calls. the thing is, she will not. yeah! pictures say more than a thousand words anyway... therefore the conclusion is, FACEBOOK!!! =p

i have so much things to say but so little time. it's close to 4am right now and i gotta get up at 8 or 9 am later? lol im traveling, that's why!! i can't possibly wake up at noon every day right, on top of that its Winter time!! argh, friggin' cold... =(

Just so you know...

malaysia is my country, australia isn't.
i am contented with what i already have and will have.
be proud to be a malaysian people!

to be cont'd.

no air

tilting my head back, i would see a barley black tea. it has been stationed there for quite some time already. i havent got the time to dump it into my rubbish bin- holdie, do i even have a dustbin? argh. my room is a total mess which my dad always complains and i fight back. i dont like it whenever he talks about how untidy my room is kept under. its like wtf, his room is not very well-organised as well. okay, i should pay a little respect. he is my dad, and i love him.

here's the thing. something which has put me off for a few weeks is this freakin stupid router that refuses to work for all these days. it is so hard not being able to go online. i cannot stand it. what i did was to pay a few bucks at a coffee shop or whatever cafe for weeks each day and make optimum use of its wiFi. i felt so cheapskate being myself, but at least i wasnt being ripped off by yet another 15 bucks for a cup of coffee which, its shop only opens until 12 am midnight, if you know wht i mean. and oh, it makes me phat too. then again, i think what i dish out from my own purse is more than wht i have to pay for streamyx each month. wth. wth.

i have now finally bought myself a new router. what's funny is that, it actually works. i had a thing in me. yikes, i have been calling this streamyx people making thousands of complaints saying how bad the reception at my place is and how the DSL light keeps blinkin at me so nonchalantly, its like wht the heck, i dont like watching it. and i get pissed eventually, every now and then, IF i ever see that little thing again. well, they sent the technician over to check and this is the conclusion - the router is broken. wth. so damn corny. next time must advise my cute brother to not keep the old-and-spoilt-already modem/router at home. instead, just throw it away or trade in or whatever-lah so that it would decrease the chances of meeting such embarrassment. sigh.

okay cool, so everything's settled down. but not until i go shopping at mid valley today. there was this bodyshop event at the concourse area. there i went for this free facial consultant. heck, i spent a few hundreds there. of course i did not only buy for myself. i bought a set for my beloved mother too, or rather she has to get used to this product because im not buying any estee lauder-s for her this time. i hope she would not complain using it because it is claimed to be made up of ingredients that have come from natural sources, which i dont know of, or dont give a thing about. haha, i feel so bimbo-ish right now.

not really.
because im falling asleep.
i just dont feel like waking up another day to work yet another day again.

cant wait till its June. and Here i come, aussie! yahoo!

alrighty, lets come back, gotta work for penny.
ka-ching!! ka-chingg!!!

whookay~~ im not done with today's outing yet. i caught a movie with a random friend today, why do i call it this way, well he knows why, i bet. it wasnt too bad afterall. the movie was fascinating, i didnt think it would turn out to be such a good piece. *thumbs up*

gone baby gone. aww.

Round

the earth is round.
my stomach - ditto.
i am so freakin full.
right after a steamboat buffet.
hooray! hehe. *when it comes to food*

all the people have been talking about me. this is, i bet its the right thing. something i should be proud of. to your concern i am now working for the Izzinet company, the wireless broadband service brand ambassador. work was tough, it used to be so stressful that i hardly had the time to have a relaxing bath. never really spend my righteous time in a way it should be. everything was all jumbled up together, it was all too vague to be seen vividly.

right now. things change. as i see it in a challenging way.
i have become the top sales and already a leader to the team. in the meeting today, i got the recognition and also a souvenir from the iBurst - thingy. please google 'iBurst' in wikipedia or whatsoever if you have not heard of this, yet. hehe. argh, its a thumbdrive. its like, duh, like i don't have any. alright, i'll be grateful. and thankful.

on the surface it is indeed a good thing. though everyone just tries to beat you in a very subtle way. i sometimes dont like it, but i have to pretend i dont know anything. according to my dad, i have to be naive at times or just play the character. right, i have to admit i am really innocent at times. other than that, they talk to you like you're invincible, but they backstab you at your back. it is so fake. you, hypocrites!

it is complex, being carmen.

i will wake up when June arrives. i can't wait.
i need a break. like a real solid break. if you get what i mean.
so take a bow.

somewhere

some things are meant to be.


no matter how hard you try sometimes, when things are destined to happen, sooner or later, i believe it would happen, somehow.we just can't push ourselves too hard, can we? just let it be, i would say, just leave evrything to God. He has already got a plan for us, a better plan; when things turn out to be bad, once we have gone through them, that i strongly have this mindset that those bad things would eventually make us stronger than the screwed up days.


occasionally i would hate myself. i am really selfish. and i act like a child. i cannot believe im already numb to a lot of occurences in my life. i do not have a special feeling toward certain eventful situation. and i have a mindset which is totally wrong. i dont really care about some things which other people strongly disapprove of. for instance, when i think it is not wrong to behave in that way, other people think the otherwise. then again it all still boils down to the same damn thing, i still care about what others think of me.


argh.i am not cool.

during this chinese new year, i lost an uncle. how should i put it in words. how i wish i could help when he was reaching out for someone, i did not do my best. it was either because i was too lazy to move my butt, or i was still in heaven chewing the titbits. argh. im not a good person. RIP. i dont wanna lose anyone else from now on. i cannot afford. oh well, GOD!!

***
my face is gross.

numb

there should be many things to be posted in this blog but i choose not to do so because i still wanna keep things to myself. im never really used to the thinking of sharing all my problem to people. i have always had secrets to myself, never really confide in anyone whole-heartedly. this is not because i do not trust them but i just thought i should mind my own business and solve them all by myself. and hell yeah, i think i can.

anyhow, i always tell myself that time can heal everything because time changes everything. you may prove me wrong but that's how i live.

this time right now, i should also be anticipating the blossom of the new year, right, its chinese new year. i don't have a special heart to invite this occasion, for instance, i do shop my own clothes and yeah i did, for the year, but that was just a very quick one and without the uniquely-required passion. i just bought the clothes for the sake of buying, or rather, for the love of new clothes. the tops i have bought are mostly red though. yeah, im still conscious. im glad im not moved away by my stupidity in dealing with certain nuisance.

it is also clearly shown that i am still under pressure.
a rush of blood to the head.

all i want to say

people keep telling me what to do and what not. shall i take their advice or i should follow what my heart says. most of the time i do not act what i intended to do because i guess i care about what others have to say about me. i think i really do.

you will now tell me, i shan't listen to them. i should do what i feel like doing. what i want to do. and what i feel best doing. then again and again, my thinking and my action may vary. rather you could say, im a very indecisive person. though im trying to make my own decisions, hoping not to cause any trouble. so far, so good. =]

things are just fine. perhaps i should just count my blessings. i am loved. i should be happy. let go all the things that would give you a bad day my dear carmen. the world is beautiful. come to think of it, i think i havent had a really crying time with God long since. this may indeed be a blessing, or am i too numb to be shedding a tear for you. i won't stop working; making money. i just want to save some penny, and spend them. some time later.

i got a plan.

***
i no longer shout at you doesnt show a good sign my dear. you would still have to carry on with your own life no matter how bad your life turns out to be. you may never know, i still care about you because i love you. my ever young bro. please wake up and realise how things are getting out of hand. it is never too late.

buy me lollipops, anyone?
"substitute it with bittersweet chocolates, please?"

that's all i have to give.

for a change

i can't believe im feeling better now. is it because i have mood swings or the world is round. somehow i feel kinda sleepy. though im actually texting someone on the phone. owh, on the screen. i just got to know this person, few days back i guess, oh well, yesterday. haha! surprisingly we have things in common. and i keep bullying this person.

it is fun.
then again...

not as fun. because im not talking to someone i want. because im not texting message with the one i love. because im not seeing someone i've missed. because i am sleepy but i dont feel like sleeping. because im feeling better but that doesn't mean im happy. because only someone can make me happy. because someone is not cracking me up with jokes. because everyone is busy. because no one cares.

im swept away by love.

ReiMei to Silk Road

im seriously going nuts. im going crazy. i dont know what i live for. in this life, i know i was loved by you, you, you, you, you and probably you too! i might have all the love in the world, but it all boils down to the same damned question.

what have i been doing all my life?
the chief point is this : why.

no one could ever give me the defined and definite answer. i guess this is just one of those days again. i know this isn't the first time i'm going through such situation, and i actually have intention to go somewhere alone, for instance, i would go shopping alone or to take public transport alone.. i kinda enjoy it sometimes, or perhaps most of the time if im not in a hurry. it's basically because i get to listen to my favourite music and the best thing in it is that i live in the world of my own. the music to my heart is the key to my serenity. one i define.

also.
when you have something, you don't appreciate them. by the time you lose it, you will eventually start thinking about it, or do ponder-s. this is very common, isn't it? it's the selfish part of oneself. or rather, i would say, we lack self-conscious. most of everytime, we are not aware of what we are doing. we just want something new. we want to fight the curiosity in us. ultimately. we try new stuff. in the long run, we give up.

hell. it sounds like a sick cycle.

there's no practical sense in that. i can't fight this feeling anymore.
i guess i will stop all of these mindful thoughts and take shower now.

shut up and go carmen.

Miss Independent

it's late.
im listening to alicia's tell you something (nana's reprise) uh..

i cant wait i wont wait i dont wanna wait...

she's got a gorgeous voice.


i guess im kinda stressed out currently. i dont wanna talk to anyone about my problem. though if you'd ask me, i might tell you. because normally i dont bring issues at work home. it is not my way of dealing things. therefore i choose to walk my way back home. i've done that not many times. in fear of strangers, or whatever. i miss my music. even if im listening right now. im also missing someone, even if you're here with me right now. always.

i can never get enough of music.
as to how i can never get enough of you.

anticipation

its all about life.

its all about waiting, you are anticipatin something that meets your preferences. its gonna take a lil time, i gradually tell myself at the end of time. i crave so much, to have a less hectic lifestyle. in the end, it all remains the same. the same damn thing in life. well, shit happens.

is there a miracle in life? some says yes. hell, there are even people around who would believe in such a thing. its symptoms are quite similar to The Darkness, who believes in a thing called love. perhaps there isnt anything in life that they could risk their lives for? or rather, they're playing on the safe track, it is their decision anyway. there isnt anything to lose, huh.. i'll just choose to agree to disagree then.

i dont feel good right now. maybe i'll talk later.

December Buzz

Starhill Gallery is one hell of an indulgence. Been to Jogoya twice this month, wow, my stomach is feeling definitely treated but my pocket... lol anyway it was an absolute amazement.

here i go.

Caught a movie last night at the Pavilion, I AM LEGEND. didnt think it was a nice movie, paid a little patience, and in the end, things turned out, it wasn't great AT ALL. no offence to those who either enjoyed it, or rather, would like to give it a try. maybe that was just not for me.

there are things in life that certainly don't go our way.

my exam is finally over now. i could give my longest sigh of relief as much as i want but in order to earn more money (of course), im gonna work. and i am indeed working. work is tiring, then again, is there any which comes easy to your doorstep? hell no. therefore i'll just take that and have it crunched to myself. phew.

back to square one.

intensity in ten cities

hands held high for chiodos.

at times i do take time to remind myself, how i could be so interminably wordy. sigh, direct translation would be long-winded. and im repeating it, over and over again. why, im not in the mood. i would also doubt my own ability occasionally. i can not create new history for myself. i mean, nothing extraordinary. nothing towards the positive side. or perhaps there are, and i dont quite realise most of them. i do admit though, i only remember the bad things i've been through myself. right, i shouldn't pass that.

well, there's something i must say, that i normally write posts when im all wretched or depressed. i don't usually do it when im excruciatingly excited. hehe. then again, i didnt blog for the past few months, i reckon, and it wasnt at all related to this, if i was as much busy like the swarm of bees, enjoying my life. that was just plain procrastination.

coming clean, i did something immoral today, not rude. wicked. i am not gonna say it because that should be kept only between me and the little things that were involved. *giggles* everything has a price to pay, i have known that ever since, but i didn't practise that. today, initiatively, especially i was the chosen one.

fate has decided to punish me now, than later or never. that i shouldnt have acted the way i did. ahh, so freaking naive and innocent!!!!!

arghhh, HaagenDaaazz...you gave me (us) a hard time!!!

*back to reality*

Karma.Is.Ghastly.

not me, not I

made errands the whole day. i didn't have complaints. it wasnt very much like myself. or perhaps i do act like that, i mean innately im a very patient person or all the good qualities you have in store for me. im influenced by somebody, perhaps?

when i was a little child, i used to behave like a nutcase. when things dont go my way, i would just blurt out all things that came to my freaking mind. i was so thoughtless and inconsiderate. the whole world was afraid of me, or maybe they hated me. i didnt care less. as time goes by, i came to understand many of my deeds are almost close to being a cannibal, the only thing that makes me different is that i dont eat them alive. right, it's like there's nothing else i'd do. mind you, im never a spoilt kid, even though im the only female at home, apart from my mom of course. relatives used to 'wonder' if i've swapped my sex with my brother's. should i be mad or sad? well, i ignored.

things are better now. i should carry on with my changes. for god's sake, i dont see the good values i have instinctively. guess that's something i should be proud of. or not.

***

as i turn on some old songs, i wish i could go back to the old days, when i was so naive. look i was still a kid, less responsibilities. i was only a mad fan of mtv and channel [v], nothing else. dude there goes my life. certain times, i would long to watch the Lizzie McGuire. Hehe. kinda find myself being girlish, which is hilarious.

have i changed or do i remain the same? well, this is somewhat a post - believe it or not. cheers.

idle

aggravated i am. with myself. im am soooo lazy. didnt do much study lately, i should get started right now. as the final exam of the year is near. so freaking right there. almost all of my friends are having their sweet holiday, some are dwelling on with part-time job, the rest just enjoy their time rotting at home, if not hanging out everyday with acquaintances. i dont mean im jealous though, relatively im kinda strained with the remaining time i have got left (not gonna die yet-lah). i have to study, all right, i'd better rephrase - i chooose to study!! i should have this mindset, rather.

well my doppelganger has left for India to further her studies in dentistry. from my deepest core, i wish her all the best. we've known each other ever since young, really young, like, when we were in our kindergarten. we werent close, well, heck knows! hehe.. fate brought us back together when we reached 13. we were finally classmates again, and then, we formed a group of associates. i really appreciate this relationship. it is just depressing because i live really far from their places, therefore, very few reunion. i even made things worse by transferring outta the school at 15. yeah all blames on me, im still glad im still keeping them as my close friends. more activities in the future, aight?

watching her tears flowing down the cheek, i got gloomy. reason being i didnt spend much time with her before today, hehe. luckily though, i made it to the KLIA this morning to see her off. she has totally broaden her circle of friends now, i didnt feel much neglected though. we meet people along the way. im blessed with many of them too. very close indeed. its all right as long as the people i care are happy with their surroundings. their lives.

***

there are many things ahead i havent accomplished that i planned for myself. i find life more challenging now. it's absurd that i have this feeling being apprehensive about my future. perhaps anticipating the unknown. life is truly an enigma! mann!

i wish that i could find the words to say ...

i cant let that happen again

when you stumble in a very unpredictable posture, people actually laugh at you. i suggest you look around and watch people falling down, and sing along the gleeful London Bridge song, that doubles up the fun! go ahead.

in a hurry..

already you are feeling so wretched, the uncivilised and immoral delinquents still do mock at you. where is the sense in that? we are nurtured from young we oughta give a hand for those in need, or rather? i.e. those who fall down so desperately hideous and senior citizens to cross the furious road.

however i finally know now, how we have to get up ourselves during the ugliest moment and act like Homer.

the smarter window

put aside the negative thoughts for a moment, start counting my blessings, the world does seem like a better place to live in. i start to think to myself, why cant i just ignore the pettiest thing in life that bites, and live my own beautiful life whereby i hang out with friends, catching the latest moves on screen, window shopping, spending money on favourable goods, everything and everything. when i sit down right here and now, looking out the window from my room, i begin to realise, there are so much more fantastic and adventurous actions i could take, rather than just locking myself up in the room and get on with the mourning. life sucks, on that particular time in hell. i want to be loved again and i want to be heard. getting angry does not make things right, by the same token, no one even bothers to give a damn shit about it. when that happens, we would be the abandoned immature kiddos in town.

while you may be slotting in your guts well in your reference books, i am right there laughing with my jolly jaws wide open. i have now had nearly everything planned, life is not about burying yourself in the pressure which leads you to the sickening spot. as disheartening as it may sound, i would still have to spend millions of hours trying to sort out the very tough sums and solutions for the mathematics. and accounts. and economics. hehe. that is my duty after all. life contradicts well. i may have a moment of joy right now and i know, it can never stay forever, there's gotta be ups and downs in life to measure up the typical world. therefore, the only thing i can say is, come what may! haha..

i have blended myself into so many activities that God has for me, some i excelled, and of course, there have been failures. though i always stick to the motto that Experience is a very good teacher, yeah the next line is, She sends in terrific bills. awww.. well, i am now going to pass the bottom line because i dont have room for sadness for the meantime!! hehe, let bygones be bygones..

scenes from a memory. Im revived and Im back! =)

walking away.

running away does not solve anything.

i dread to 'sign in' and escape from peeling-myself in front of my own darkest eyes. you might be able to feel me, but not knowing the exact reason. i do not have to reveal how deep my sorrow is and how n when it is gonna eat me, alive. someday you'll know., somehow. i hope.

for the love of vodka, the pelican did not do a great job. i could not still laugh away with pain. there have been so many updates in my life, i will never understand where there are gonna put me to, somewhere out there i know. i would not call them as part of positive marks though.

listening to the songs, they have me back the sweet and bad memories. i cant help but to sing along. i guess i was being too naive with a troubled mind, it led me to this. if only i have not made part of the silly mistakes in the past, if and only if, i would have been a happier person. those things never go away. i keep cheering myself up each and every day, it is just too unfairly unnecessary. why cant i just be myself - feel the pain when im hurt, cry as hard as i want to and not forgetting to smile when im contented. instead of being normal, i do not have the guts to face the world. is there anyone who would and might be able to fix me? i wouldnt be given an answer. i truly know how sometimes people around us can be deceiving. hypocritespleasestayawayfromme.there are people who can make believe to be so nice (aww) but they would just show their backs on you eventually. who am i to trust at this moment?

emotionally if i ever talk to you again, i hope i would behave like a person like you.

Incomplete.

instead of rolling on my bed, i am actually thinking about wonderful wonders - all the reasons why the hideous are so lovely. are you gradually made confused by me? every now and then? Hmm..

i am most of the time sick of myself. why am i not studying at this moment? all the biggie exams are just so near, but i am still here. well, the feeling, it is just a feeling. Love is only a feeling. Hatred is also only a feeling. Love and hatred are a form of the only feeling. How could I think ill of myself? How could I? How could you...? I am even bewildered myself, what is there to say about you? i thought to myself. I am so dead.

what a wonderful world. life is not beautiful, though i cant take my eyes off it. somehow. hint: the hideous are so lovely. a temptation noone can resist.

sigh. I am still making rounds. I should so leave now. Life is too short, but we are only given one shot. Hence, live life in complete-something. sigh, again. Today's one of my close friends' birthday, i just wished her through a text message this afternoon. unfortunately there's still no response from her. i wonder why. has she changed her number already, without giving me the idea? im upset. OR perhaps, i think too much. she just doesnt feel like giving out replies cuz it would have cost her a bomb to do so to everyone. perhaps im just not the appreciated one. Alright, i must be thinking too much again. The little voices in my head is telling me to stop. *c-a-r--r-me-n*

Good luck to everyone who will be sitting for the Malaysian University English Test (MUET) this saturday. Especially myself.

Politics

i have always wanted to be in the Reds or Yellows when i was in my alma mater's. it's kinda funny that i would come up with such absurd thought. perhaps it symbolises the justice that we used to have in my school way back then, why on earth would i yearn for such? oh well, i was in Blue. The impairment has its specialty. The former and former will always be treated and remembered so well. That was so unfair.

i couldnt seem to find a way for existence to be seen.

all the very little things just plunged in without any sirens signalled, i am devastated. of all the things that you have sacrificed for at least you feel that you have had, you are then dupped as -useless freak and being treated as a nobody by a lunatic (1) in particular and of course, you (>1) are never left out, having not known me all this while but you think you have; there's a reason why certain objects are so wanted, you just havent. oOo i wish i could yell my lungs out straight to your face that, if so you think im a nobody, please make believe that nobody is perfect, in equality, I am indeed perfect!

u dare me?

yet i do know that im appreciated. massive applause to all of them. lol. I am so not matured, not childish.therefore would you please mind your own business? for now i have finally found my stone, why the hell would i ever forget about the Greens? Like, i am now a Yellow. I truly have gone through the drudgery that the well treated are deemed to. I hope I could make another option instead.

Jeez, i finally meet true Justice.

Unforgiven

perhaps i expected too much from the past. it has all now turned into darkness. i cannot believe myself believing all the lies that i have been lied to. i can never forgive myself for being such an unscrupulous nuisance. for that, i will weep myself a villain.

i know so much that i have been idle but my heart is still beating for this, my dear. im going crazy, things have not been working out so well, and yet, no one hears me. it is just so uneven that when you confide in someone so profoundly that he can hardly understand you, nor can she learn to appreciate the person you have always trying hard to be. then again, it all goes back to the same pathetic ellipse, fact always hurts; they do not overlook you as a friend, let alone a close one. oh well, just some passers-by on the stage i reckon, life's a brief candle my dear, if you are willing to lit that bit up, it will not be reluctant to shine itself bright for you, if, the otherwise. could anyone out there show me an earthly way of knowing such, right, could i have an acquaintance in time, for god's sake?

True friends are rare, really rare. you know i would have [had] you in mind, don't you?
at the end of the day, you will still have yourself. Cheers. =]

Goal.

2006 sucked bad.
everything went on so NOT smoothly.
barricades were along the way offering aid.
thanks so much, it was like i wasn't me at all.
i used to have all the little things i had wanted.
it was all gone in a year.
all gone.

oh well, seems this is an angry post
well its not.
those were just plain truth.
had nothing else to complain about.
those bad stuffs are gone.
hooray for a new year has come.
might be too late for me to welcome this, but the feeling is still there
aint it?
let's just start anew
by not mentioning the new year cliched resolutions
why can we not just do it

love you.
love myself.
love 2007.

Behaviour.

i have come to this touch whereby i can never believe it myself that i am so gonna quit my job. what is it, well, theoretically im quitting my job as a pessimistic. you never know dear.. no matter how much i hated one particular person to have done some unlikely things to me, i could not have been a better person without allowing that one person to have boiled the immense hysteria out on me, it wasnt hot enough babe, if you could only see me now. im gonna fire you instead. and its even funnier when you were all this while trying to squeeze things out from me. gribberish crap, dude. please thank me for giving you that one (1) power to do so. yes, its countable, for there's nothing left. for you, not of me.

im so over it.

shall we just flip through a few more chapters, to dishearteningly find that oh so childish i was. im not a grown-up yet, not entirely. its such a ludicrous thing to say though that im only 18, yet having acted like a fool all this while, well to me im old enough to have just realised this. dear, im willing to change, its not like i can never have a better opportunity to confront my alter ego. you will see a different side of me darling, no worries.

there are tonnes of uncanny things that you never have been exposed to, which im rather particular to just being headed down on, well, look at the other side of the world, everything is just right in front of your eerie eyes to see - be-have-iour. its cool, isnt it? alrighty its not if you dont see it. =)

say, if im a jovial person, i will be able to achieve and to have and to hold a certain pleasure that i have all been seeking for. does it make sense at all, by any chance? well, one's character does change a life. i am so innately motivated by some angels up there. behaviour, oh so tensed. relax, sweetie? *winks* it will just take some time, ' Let go! ' !!

***

hey its the Yuletide season again, for the wondeer-ful moment, eve of the Xmas Eve, hereby i blow a warm kiss to everyone out there! *smoochies*

here's a thing, among the deers, why do people only and only remember Rudolph?? hmm..............

***

Feed the world!!!

Merry Xmas!

why..

im uncertain why im here.

i have not updated myself right here for some time, or perhaps, not even in real life. im not very convinced with the things i have now, well, you could presume im a lil demanding. hell yeah, my expectation is as high as the mountain. but thankfully, not humble.

i dont wanna steal the words from anyone of you out there, i only wanna be myself. yet being one, its not easy. unlike some people, they just go round fumble their pouch everything they want is there. what about me, right, you do not need everything in life. well its not very motivating, it vaguely gives me an idea that you dont take things seriously. i dont pretty much like it.

feel awkward with everyone around me, i start to ponder about the little monster in my head. yeah, im indeed, despisable. do i have to question myself again - will i sink or swim?

i felt so lonely in the pathway. thank you very much.

Il Divo, always

Lonely
The path you have chosen
And restless road, no turning back
One day you will find your light again
Don't you know
Don't let go, be strong

Follow you heart
Let your love lead through the darkness
Back to a place you once knew

Follow your dreams
Be yourself, an angel of kindness
There's nothing that you cannot do

I believe in you.

heaven-sent treat!

for now i really gotta believe the senseless statement i always make to people. well, it's somehow ridiculous in some ways if you don't see it my way - urgh, i lost my bloody new Dopod smartphone which i bought few days back. to be precise, it was only mine for 2 bloody damned days. i was moody at first, but later on, i turned out to be rather fine. it was sorta peculiar though. well, let's just say all thanks to the hot chocolate. *indulgence*

owh about the statement, what about this, well, the main reason God gives us the opportunity to earn some moolahz is because He wants us to be treated in a better condition, with THE money. i guess its provenly true now; no matter how i sillily i tried to escape from fishing out my ka-chings, i'd still have to spend on my SECOND MOBILE (what the heck) !!! agree on that? therefore, i got myself a new pair or Nike yesterday. =p and a NOSEY heels, lol.

gribberish!

all right, im currently working at the Shangri-la Hotel in KL the experience is awesome, you know, get to meet tonnes of new people, and to work with them! guess i do not have to mention the names here for myself as a mark for future reference cuz i'd remember im certain, and you to know them? it's not of importance, hehe dont get misunderstood, just that you wouldn't know them right, even if i DO list em names down, ah.. im outta mind. apologies!

geez, the touch of swaying things out together in a bond is way too brilliant an idea, grateful i am! well, just so coincidently i met 2 of my primary mates there at the banquet, i was shocked in astonishment, cuz one of them is kinda.. well, our parents know each other really well. we didnt have much time to chat the other day cuz she was in a rush, what pity! anyway, i felt a lil somethin' sooner then, spooky lil boogie.. *hehe*

ugh, you wonder how i lost my phone? well, i left it at Shang's ladies, got that? there's a price to pay for E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G !!! dammnit!


***

some days i just dislike myself. i am not firm. i am not generous. i am afraid. i am selfish. i am clumsy. i am all that you think i negatively am. i am indecisive. i am..

worth savin me..

plenty of photo frames abandoned. well, not exactly, there're just right there, in front of my macabre outlined eyes, with the carved-out decoration, like, a gal strutting her assets, the heaven sent innocent gal tryin to do some farming or even the simplest macked out woody ones..what a thing to say, they are just deserted as though they're meant to be. the existence is there but how well can a man misuse it and just shrug it off. just like a peanut. it is absurd.

nothing will be the same ever again, no matter how hard i try, gone are the days with honeyed memories, left are the fake hypocritical faces trying to be the same candy. or is it a rivalry, to be frank? i feel like chucking the faces into the nearest garbage around where noone else could catch me littering it. lol.

as days go by, even the most sophisticated philistines would be on tenterhooks. the practice gives us a moral value to be absorbed; never dwell too much of passion into some things. i know it will hurt really bad before it gets better. i am fooled. at this moment now, anyone'd like to punk me? please do.

no matter how hard i try, i can't love you anymore.

Dilemma

its freaking hard to do this, knowing its not right to drag but still, i have to. i gotta work out a good way to face this lil bug, pleaz, leave me alone. i have thought of ways to make it easy for everyone, generally, but people tend not to appreciate that. say what, Karma, im afraid of that truly. right, i hope i'd feel less remorse of a kind when i do step out wrongly in any ways. well, no regrets in life, remember it always carm!!

or rather, i should throw myself in the crowd, see if there are people who'd have their hands up to keep me in the air, that'd be way cool, like how Brendon Urie'd most probably do when he gets too lethargic of the camisado-hitz and thought of having everyone screaming at him, keeping him soaring high instead and getting carried away with him could jab a fascinating touch to that performance, ouchh!!! i wouldnt have a slight chance to! neither will i jump off frm the stage. lol.

im getting a lil' demented at the very moment, if you'd excuse me!

not forgettin' GN'R

they will never be forgotten. after all the drudgery that they have been through, they certainly deserve such grand tribute, from the deepest core of the heart. Welcome back! this time around, with Chinese Democracy. well, it's been a long time since they have released an album of new material (a profound intrusion having Slash gone!! sigh!). yes, im talking about Guns N Roses! nonetheless, Use Your Illusion I will still be the best album of theirs, i reckon. hehe cuz it simply has my favourite songs in it. *chuckles*

***

November Rain
performed by GnR

When I look into your eyes
I can see a love restrained
But darlin' when I hold you
Don't you know I feel the same

nothin' lasts forever
And we both know hearts can change
And it's hard to hold a candle
In the cold November rain

We've been through this such a long long time
Just tryin' to kill the pain
But lovers always come and lovers always go
An no one's really sure who's lettin' go today
Walking away

If we could take the time to lay it on the line
I could rest my head just knowin' that you were mine, all mine

So if you want to love me
then darlin' don't refrain
Or I'll just end up walkin'
In the cold November rain

Do you need some time on your own
Do you need some time all alone
Everybody needs some time on their own
Don't you know you need some time all alone

I know it's hard to keep an open heart
When even friends seem out to harm you
But if you could heal a broken heart
Wouldn't time be out to charm you?

Sometimes I need some time on my own
Sometimes I need some time all alone
Everybody needs some time on their own
Don't you know you need some time all alone

And when your fears subside
And shadows still remain
I know that you can love me
When there's no one left to blame
So never mind the darkness
We still can find a way

'Cause nothin' lasts forever
Even cold November rain
Don't ya think that you need somebody
Don't ya think that you need someone
Everybody needs somebody
You're not the only one
You're not the only one

Blue October hates me.

perhaps one day when i can move along, i will wake up.

just feel like screaming my bloody lungs out, it's been inside of me for a long period of time already but i havent really gushed it out to you, somehow, ultimately i would. why cant anyone hear me when im calling out for them? as i've always said, the world's never been good to me, or rather i didnt very much appreciate em, but still, i will not have regrets. well, what's more to say then, good things never really give way to people like me.

i might have too high of an expectation but its how you perceive such things in your way, well perhaps, perhaps i should look at it in a different perspective, is it time to have a change, dear?

and hell no, i will never degrade it. like, why say 'pink' when you can say 'fuschia'?

do i have to do the same damn thing over and over again? im angry and i find it dramatically unfair. there are things i really dont feel like doing but i cant speak up cuz it will only do me no good, if not harm. at times, i cannot stand the way it is that is happening around me, or perhaps im selfish myself, i just cant get over some things i am particular with. all right, i'll need some time for that. excuse me.

and another thing is that im blogging all these what seems like a vain effort, hoping something would actually favour this hooligan. laugh with it and to say goodbye to my october. yes its mine, mind you. So long, not good night.

This Can't Die

we have unfinished business!!

the world is so beautiful, but i didnt know. i let go a lot of pleasant things in life. i only got to realize it when i cry though, that'd be far too late for me then. perhaps you might gonna have to tell me that's when i should be smiling. but that's not it. =)

i flaunt my intelligence the other way that i find it ludicrous at times. you have already known it if you knew me well enough, therefore nevermind the questions. so there you assume! however it is, to somebody i have no wit but its okay, they're just shallow. i dont have to prove to them how i hold an absurd grief to the things they do.

whee! im alive! Buon Giorno, Principessa Carmen! (aww, im honoured! =p)

Am rather anxious about the future. i dont quite like the way it is now, because apart from studying the textbooks or scamming through the fake facts about the immature game my country's Prime Minister, Datuk Seri Abdullah Ahmad Badawi (Pak Lah, lol) and the former PM, Tun Mahathir are playing, i am still awaiting to reach a certain stage whereby i am totally vindicated from the upset surroundings. and yicks, the Light Rapid Transit (LRT) in Malaysia actually dangled in the air (how long did it go eh?). for god's sake, screw the constructions.

what a shame-lah, ouchh!!

except a Rado.

there're more of me that you haven't seen.

they think they know me. they think they're very close to me. how could they ever tell, i'm just a person with a name. i guess i gotta chuckle to myself, even next to me is an invisible man. when i try to reach out for you, do you think you'll be able to make it there for me. jeez, everyone tends to get hooked up with our haughty eccentric, like, i have never said i adore-something. people, they have me as a topic in between their conversations, as if i haven't a clue. im upset. they never ask. they have preconceived idea, of me. they dont do it based on sufficient knowledge about me. it is not fair. at all. to me.

but i dont speak up. b.l.a.m.e myself.

on account that you might get carried away when you talk, it's better if you just shuddap! dont speak my language, i dont very much like it. i have been trying to fill up my days with the good memories we once shared; the good ones, stay forever. how many times can i pretend though? i will be tired, if i see no appreciation. hey i dont give n give, without having a slight chance to take at all.. im not as generous as you think, if you presumee! sigh, its an imbalance of justice.

why do i have things to do with injustice, all the time, why? if you find guilt from this writing, its better if you do.

holy crap.

what do i do now? there are good evidences why i am given a fine name, you just havent; ya have to look one for yourself, cheap hypocrite! take that!!


get it? im traiiiing to be generous.

Kiss from a Villain

such a massive repulsion is conjuring up inside.. i feel so disgusted. i dont feel like talking to anyone else right now. not even myself. the only thing to do is to blast out loud music , well, rock ballads. its still peculiar, cuz i aint supposed to listen to any ballads for the moment, well maybe something to do with angst or hysteria..suits me more? argh! but im no angry, neither am i emotional.

*some days i feel like shit. i wanna quit. n' be normal for a bit.*

do i have to smile before i laugh? do i have to leap before i jump? do i have to swim before i drown? all these questions are meant not for scamps but could i fortify more of those, so i would be one sinner? hope not.

i doubt if everything i do is right. it just looks so wrong. i dont wanna do this no more. and to hell with it, no regrets in life? funny...not!! how could we? unless we're born not with the dream n the fickle mind to be more motivated. and to struggle, damnnit!! if someone is all under estimated, now you tell me? cuz i feel like a cow now, with nothing.

***

enough of those. im actually fine cuz i know nothing's gonna be all right, even if i sit through with my inevitable agony. and yes carm, live with it! i dont need nobody to sympathise, i can handle it myself. life is ours and we do it our way! who else to blame, eh?

join me my Black Parade!!!

Rue 'n Due

despite being ignorant, i am blissful. because. ignorance. is. bliss.

i faked it.

so much for being 18.

life's such a hurly-burly FM that i dread to stay. what's the worst that i can say? it is not about what i dislike or how unfairly God's been treating me, anyhow, i do not need a reason to be angry with god. i have been so gleefully enjoying my everyday's mainly-routine but somehow something's gotta give.

xxx

few days back, i celebrated my 18th birthday. it was fine. i never expected my thoughtful classmates to have bought me a cake from CoffeeBean; tiffany sweetheart, that is. i really liked the picture of they getting it for me. it was really sweet of them. to be real, never judge a book by its cover, haha cuz it didnt really taste as good. later, i got another icecream-cake from Baker'sCottage by my beloved pals, to my big surprise, it turned out to be freaking temptatious, even better than the CoffeeBean's..haha guess we shall only grab cheesecakes from CoffeeBean, the other normal butter or creamcakes, well, leave that to SecretRecipe, still. lol.

right here, i shall blow a thank-you smooch to the ones who have gotten me the birthday wishes and gifts. i do appreciate them. it's times like this that i can truly see a heart. so long and be good.

i call th(e)s(e)...HOT!

i cant get enough of them boys!!! OhMyGawd. their album is worth so much for a Bailey's chocolate milk!


and owh, i want Baileys for my birthday!!! hahaha...its a joke. not!
very funny, its just a yawp to constantly remind myself of the red wines (duh!) we have in the freaking fridge, screw it! ahh...everyone's drinking Baileys.. lol

chilis, yeah!

show you chilis.. lol

nails for breakfast, tacks for snacks

panic! at the disco.

excitement!

lol...reading back the previous post, i'd feel im childish myself..now you know, people really do gain from experiences..and that we're back to good terms again..guess a tiny thing like that can never break the crucial relationship, i'd say. *appreciate that*

wow..life is so much happier now..

i baked a Tiramisu Cheesecake yesterday!!! oh.my.gawd. i cannot believe it, and when it's right time to be served, i was like sitting there, fishing for their opinions (read, criticism lol)cuz they're very particular in cakes..hehe and out of my surprise, it turned out to be good. the feedback is cool, and im contented. The cakes, they'll build the anticipation outta me, before i start off with my own business! hehe. (credits to lilian XD)

i was in high spirits last night. someone even suggests that i get an mp3 to recover my insanity, lol. this person should be spanked, thoroughly. haha..

get a life

you literally want the whole world to know im at fault. heck.
i do not need a freaking generosity from you.
you never are appreciative with you friends.
have you ever wondered how you treat your 'so-called' close friends?
nobody cares to come clean.
carry on with you comparisons.
at least someone has had enough.
have you ever respected me as a friend?
heck knows.
not to mention a close one.
please examine yourself before you slip your mouth.
you win it all in spite of your petiteness.
compassions in my nature,
and tonight is our last stand.

the carmenology..cool eh

Ten Top Trivia Tips about Carmen!

1. If you toss carmen 10000 times, she will not land heads 5000 times, but more like 4950, because her head weighs more and thus ends up on the bottom!
2. India tested its first nuclear carmen in 1974.
3. People used to believe that dressing their male children as carmen would protect them from evil spirits.
4. Carmen is 1500 years older than the pyramids.
5. Ancient Greeks believed earthquakes were caused by carmen fighting underground.
6. Owls cannot move their eyes, because their eyeballs are shaped like carmen.
7. When carmen is swallowed, she will enter the blood stream within twenty minutes.
8. Ninety-six percent of all candles sold are purchased by carmen!
9. Carnivorous animals will not eat another animal that has been hit by carmen!
10. New Zealand was the first place to allow carmen to vote.

you will be sorry.

spa

bumped into an mp3 yesterday, i so longed to have it. guess what, (what-lah) i didnt buy any. damn this is because i've promised myself not to overspend this month, and if you've always followed up what in the world's happening to me and what on earth i have been doing, you'd know or rather, think i'm an excessive spender. in fact, well, i'd say, perhaps. lol.

all right mp3s aside, i'm getting one anyway, maybe next year and most probably next year. i need to save up for now. well, you know something, i enjoyed myself to the bits today; went to Bjorn, to get myself a spa treatment. with fam, who else. okiedokiez, i had to strip naked man..imagine all over my body, with only a 79.88889% transparent plastic panty on and oh not really, that was a G-string, damn! and...my whole body, from head to toe, was touched by HER fingertips. lucky thing that came from a gal. i think the whole treatment thingy was an aromatherapy body massaging, therefore dozing-off is off the rack. she's cool. though i didnt know what actually made me trust her; her handssss ON my....lol..leave that to you.well well welll, i guess i shan't elaborate more on the process of it despite it being you-know-what, hehe. then again, you should really experience it yourself, i highly recommend it cuz you will really feel the difference!! especially when you're struggling through this damn tertiary education. just give it a try man, it does no harm but beneficial, trust me.

xx

here comes my first sigh for today. lol, not really. hehe. well, god treats me fairly, for real: my normally-only-pays-visit-once-a-month-chum-who-strives-hard-to-follow-the-2months-ghost-festival-trend (hold, while i take a deep breath, lol) acquaintance, has managed to fulfil his dream. argh, thanks for this second stopover. if you know what i mean.

feathers

what's the point of living? why are you here when you have better things to do? are you aware of what's gonna happen next? on you? on others? your friends? and your family? all right, no intentions to make you wonder..

it's my time again, im feeling myself again.. all by myself.

where're all my friends? yeah friends i have alot, but have you ever pondered if he/she will think of you in advance when there's something ahead? might be, fine. noone can ever tell of what other's thinking, that's awesome. you never know what's on my mind. or rather what's in my mind. we practise a gap. good. i wonder what you're doing, imagine where you are.. everyone's changing, i havent a clue; am i the same?

we're living together with our family, aren't you? have you ever thought if you guys will still be the same when you grow old? together with them, i am afraid. people never know how crucial it is to treasure the times you have to just be with them, the next thing you know, chances just slipped away..mind you there shall be no regrets in life. sigh.

a part of me wants to grow old. a part of me says no. cuz i still wanna be my papa and mama's baby girl. but there's something that whispers to me ears i'm no longer one. what am i?

i'm a brat who believes in fairy tales.

betcha'd get this post's title wrongly, so dont speculate.

again and again..

cool stuff, i'm still underage.

u think it is? i want to be just right 18. i can do alot of things then...that's aLOT!!! okay let's put that aside, i cant change a thing.. well, im currently having a swimming fever, darn it! let's just say yesterday's dinner, well that was one. i got thrown into the pool!! haha..who cares? i swam in the pool-lah! and now i wish i could have one swimming pool on my side! arghhh that makes me desperate and im lazy and i need aid.

more than that

okiekockie... shall i just strike out the shade i wanted to buy few days ago? cuz i've made up my mind, and i've already bought anotherr shade for myself! haha.. right, screw the staff there, the only shade i wanted to buy is sold out, and this time around i've discovered a better one, and of course more suitable..so i'm just totally satisfied with it.. cant wait to go out now!! haha..just in the mood to go out, wonder why? lol, to try out the shade-lah.. for your information, it's by the same brand too, Elle, more expensive, more reasonable..make sense? no, it doesnt, haha cuz i love it, that's why i am tHiss excited..feel like being on the stage of reincarnation, again..i'm no longer living in someone else's afterglow, but my own shade!! alll right, wanna check out my shade? meet me when i see you, and you will see!! =)

well, im just gonna zip off my wallet? remember what i've mentioned in the last post, i cant control myself, well well welll...i have to..wait a minute though, something might be badgering me mentally that i have to spend thisss much to enjoy my freaking life? okay, there's always the time of the year that we should spend and spend and spend and then use and use and dispose? lol...it's time for me to stop spending.. i guess it's making sense now.. aight seriously, i love all the things i bought within these few days..and should i plan for my lovely's birthday gifts, i would be a total cow now..thank god i worked.

way cool

gosh!

i arrived at klcc yesterday and was supposed to try the pc fair out, guess what, screwed plan. i ended up shopping!! and got myself two things, to be precise; one hairband and one cap from french connection, fcuk. haha, feeling really 'french connection'-ed up now.. lol if you know what i mean, despite the money-dishing-out.

all right, it's time for a self-actualization. im finding myself hard to please recently, and i know it's always there but the thing is no one has actually flooded those words straight to my face before, not even now. i realised it myself, you see. and thinking back, i guess people around me have actually hinted me this too; hard to please, as in wanting to have more or too high an expectation. whenever i am to think of all of these, the pessimitism will just get rid of me, for that matter. okay, i reckon everyone is familiar with Shakespeare already, just out of somewhere in mind, i have these, As You Like It,

all the world's a stage,
and all the men and women merely players,
they have their exits and their entrances,
and one man in his time plays many parts.

i've always known this well but just a few days back i came across these lines again, it got me thinking back the ol' times.. i guess i have encountered this only when i joined a workshop - when i was young, alright, younger.. really admire Shakespeare how he could have this sorta view towards, life? and somewhere in Macbeth, did he mean life's actually boring? or perhaps he had already forgotten the brevity of life, or something similar. who knows eh? fine, why do i admire him? you dont agree with me because you're feeling exactly how he used to be? well, stay put..cuz i have my own explanations. He didnt recall all the good times that he had had with the close ones when he was feeling both down and hopeless? in life, we tend to forget about the little excitement when we're extremely broken; all the negative things will just gush in, without approval. how do we not have a good control of that? why didnt God give us this humanity, of knowing what is right and DO what's right. we're keen on falling apart, it seems.

i am, indeed. it's hard to control myself.

coping with that, we have to grab hold the what we call, the little enlightenment, from Him. after all the pot of gold is from the same knothole. He would be more than willing to help us i believe. God is kind and fair, in a rationalist's mind. what about me? funny.

i will never forget about the list of things that i want. next up is my shade. (damn, i know pc fair has got cheap mp3 from LG, but outta stock!! good gracious! why did my friend tell me this??!)

i should give myself a treat.

such a shame

i have no anger but to have this stupidest thing posted here.. you might wanna check it out, i have got nothing else more to elaborate but this, all right, do click here to navigate.

i guess no other hot celebrities, including the male factor, would wanna stop by anymore, cuz they're not supposed to wear what they're comfortable in? yes you might think that it's one of their ways to get the sales moving but it does no harm to anyone i believe. so you think they're wearing skimpy clothes or rather too revealing, then why dont the ministry just instil another tudung-rule for even the non-muslims? well, totally no offense and neither am i against anyone here. just sorta furious at the moment, i mean, hey, what ridiculous statement? and the point is this, it's categorised as the s.t.r.a.n.g.e. news. go figure.

woohoo! teh-lented!

desperate

there are just tooo many things that i want..and i need 'em..haha..i can be dead broke if i really am to spend on them now.. haha..at least day by day..lol..let me just roughly list them out..actually it's a reminder for myself..so i wont leave out anything in my list..heek!

1. get a new mobile clamshell phone from sony ericsson, w710i/z710i
2. a shade from Elle, model E18825 -reddish; maroon-
3. an mp3 player
4. new pair of sneakers, nike or skechers
5. edgy velvet cap
6. necklace - rutilated quartz to match my bangles

all right, think i'd better stop listing out..else u'd think im goin insane..somebody please grill with me..haha and i dont wanna be scrwd.

aiyo, you might be thinking, wht sort of person i am, a materialistic bimboperhaps? haha..im NOT! just that i need a new handphone so that i can have better time texting my dearest ones and one other crucial thing, mp3! ..a new shade, cuz the old one is broken and i'll need it when i'm driving on road..haha..although i havent gotten my license yet, but very soon! hehe..mp3 player..cuz i desperately need it, my motto: no music, no life!!...and have been longing for one, cuz im just not gonna spend on an ipod? at least not now..still a student, not getting from papa, what do you expect? well, what else.. owh sneakers.. okay to come clean, i have 2 nike-s..but they're like worn off alrdy wey..alright so to just get one, but this is not that important in my list..hehe..okay here it comes..my velvet cap..sigh, how pathetic, havent really come across any that really catches my eyes..so..have to wait..hehehe..and now it's the necklace, despite having one bangles which actually aspires me to wear everyday..haha..guess i'll just need one necklace, so that i can wear everyday, on any occasions..well guess im tired of changing..and i should settle down on ONE particular thing..lol..just some kinda accesorrieess..dont think over the bound! haha..all right..

sway me now!!!

wow.. jd fortune is one hawt hunk!im so obsessed with him..well, with his dirty looks hha..it aint not pretty baby..oh shit man, he's coming to town aiks..i cant even watch him live cuz i have stuff bugging me on tht damn day..well just as i should give it a try of thumbing my freaking way there..haha..wonder wht's gonna happen? is everyone okay with that? lolz, i wont be o-phucking-kay then..and im missing out a load of nice meetings..phuck it. i want to go shopping!!! anyone out there who is willing to bring this abandoned kid out just yet? argh. please say yes, i want to go klcc...out of a sudden..you know something? there's this pc fair coming up, i might not have anything to do there, just feel like goin? just feel like getting out of my world..

okok, you know what conscience really is? do you think it is the same for everyone? haha, i define it for my own sake. damn, it can be varied and is determined by the environment the individual grows up in, therefore sometimes acting rather unscrupulously, me. but i reckon they do have a distinct conscience somewhere, deep down. as for myself, it's innate. hehe sometimes you'd think im of no sense, but that doesnt mean i dont think, i only choose not to use it. well papa says acting foolish at times are pleasant and smart act. so basically this is my world. i dont just act foolishly, im senseless freak. shudders.

stand still, look prettay

should be a great week for me. perhaps it is. indeed. i kinda felt it few days ago, but you know, im sorta emotional or rather, sentimental..so i cant help but feeling subsided. now that i recall, a lot of good things did happen on me. ha, how implausible a chuckle. well, how should i mention.. i was announced and crowned the president of the financial club in my school. i should be so lucky, cuz being a transfer-student, what can i expect more, right? and then, on the same day, i was gifted a silver key to the pussycat doll's world tour with some idiotics (lol..u guys wont mind, will ya? lol), didnt really know what sorta wolrd tour, 2006 world tour? happy tour? lol, whatsoever the good names you would wanna call this tour to be, i felt awesome once i got there, you know the ambience and the people over there were just astonishing! they're all crazy head! well, anticipated from the fans of the sweetie babes. to come clean though, im not really into the PCD, well, no offence, i know you're understanding..i went there just to have my body standing on the sands rather than the soul, then again, that was what i thought i'd be. despite the fact that once the dolls showed up, i was lighten up. forgetting reshmonu, im sorry cuz this is the second damn time watching his performance; first was when r&b queen, alicia keys came along.. i dont wanna mention this but he is really a turn-off. i must admit. well, back to the dollies, i guess i can only remember one of the bandmates' name, nicole schweizger..lol..something like that..am not really sure of the fam's name..lol. all right, she's damn catchy, and amazing voice..cool! and she's da bomb!

okie dokie, here i go again, been to another concert, this time around was with family..so expected to be a soothing one eh..duh~ emil chau and victor wong..maybe i should reveal a little, emil gave me a peck on the cheek when i was young, ah 5 or 6? heek, i was too adorable..lol this concert brought me nostalgia and reminiscence. i have nothing more to elaborate on, though.. alright, put it this way, mom was excited.. and real turned on with emil's cordial voice..hehe that's about it..well the firecrackers were brought out enormously.. i stood still watching, like jaws opened..lol..blush wey..

for now, im lazy hehe..if you'd excuse me, stay tuned.
to be c'tnd.
or not. =p

Where's my cashload??

early in the morning, i heard some shouts from down..so i tried eavesdropping, Not to my surprise though, it was a smaaall fight between my lil bro and my dad, sigh my brotha is still behaving like a small kiddo man, wondering when he would transform himself into a better person..well or rather be good. i've talked to him nth times about how he shouldnt do this or that, though it was to no avail, oh so blatant..like im obsessed with pestering him..oh so not true..just when i was about to check out my wallet to reach out a few dollars to spare, i find myself running outta cash..gawd, i've not been spending and where the heck the money has gone?? well, i think i'm quite thrifty at times, that says i would have money in my purse. heck! u heard it, at times...hehehhe..oh my gawddd..i cant imagine myself without money..how am i gonna survive..i dont feel like goin to the atm machine n bla bla..get it from dad? this is so not gonna happen!! o'dear, the last choice is still dishing it out from the freaking atm machine..there's this school function at another school tonight, guess i have to at least spare myself some time, so to speak. dressing up nicely? haha, you will see!! well im not gonna bring my cam though, after all the incidents, i lost my confidence..haha..dont think i can bear the post-mortem..lol funny cuz i cant picture when the snatch thief just grab it like that..phewww!!! and then i'm so gonna be screwed!! intellectually analysed, conclusion is still not bringing the cam! lol.

gawd, im so wanting in ca$h at the moment..show me miracle baby!!(like it's gonna happen)

Personality Type

Your #1 Match: INFP

The Idealist You are creative with a great imagination, living in your own inner world.Open minded and accepting, you strive for harmony in your important relationships.It takes a long time for people to get to know you. You are hesitant to let people get close. But once you care for someone, you do everything you can to help them grow and develop. You would make an excellent writer, psychologist, or artist.

What's" Your Personality Type?

I

oh my..seeems like ant has misunderstood me but it's all right..least i know there are actually someone who cares...right..nothing much happened today..pretty much the same ole routine..nothing to be pissed of and yet nothing to be happy about..just a day, there it goes. fine, you wouldnt know what im hoping for; im actually expecting a blessing in disguise..hahaha..sounds funny but realistic indeed. i guess for me, that's gotta be a one-eighty turning point, well then only it can be categorised as amazing.. what's the time now babe, okay it's night-time, but i havent had my hands on my homework, ever since i reached home. books still remain virgin, untouched. somehow gotta go check 'em out later..just spare me some time man, procrastination has gotten under my skin..

I

the same ole feelings gets in the way again.. can i not get over it? why must you make it so difficult for me? like my life isnt hard enough to hold on to..i dont intend to complain about life, perhaps i would never feel like it but i just cannot be like one simple-minded person; accept everything that comes. i would try, not in an instant though. what does the future hold for me? noone ever has the answer, right so im just crapping now..i dread to complete my tasks..its like i have lost interests in almost all of the things..apart from eating..though i have to watch my weight. you see i just cant let myself out, completely.. whatever i do, it'll just stuck halfway, that's it. my life could be a hassle, but i dont want it to be. i want to enjoy my life but nothing pops out. i have run outta idea of what to do to make my life more worthwhile, you know some might be asking why must i be so angry with who i am today. let me just come clean, i do not have a reason to be angry with God, cuz i have not done anything that is worth debating, yet. have i turned into one adult now? do i play the same part? did everyone of them go through the same thing? i know i should be happy with what i have now, i do appreciate 'em. people say tomorrow will be a better day, by all means today's a good day. i know i can make it, just hoping i could find better days..

I

i know i should not be thinking - the negative side of the world, but that it just plunges into my freaking mind. i have heck no control of it. totally. one point, i dont know what i want in life though sometimes asking too much or rather, hoping too much...and speculate too much, like you said to me before..man i really miss those days when i was still a naive young kiddo...to some people, carmen is still am, but have u ever known she's collapsed long since? it has got nothing to do with anyone or anything, but this girl just wants to wonder.. perhaps thinking too much.. and that says life is too unfair..or to make it fair, she will never be satisfied. in dilemma.

i've stepped out in a wrong way, perhaps to some its not but living in a materialistic world, or whatever you call it pragmatic world, you can never live with only one track mind..there are pros and cons anyway..so i guess i've done wrong..i can not even forgive myself.. i feel like walking away from it but so far as i know, im just so not happy with this mistake. religion taught us to accept things and not to be angry with things that have happened, i guess i agree with that, partly..im learning my dear.. hopefully i could turn out to be someone like that, well then what noble person i am..

i think..

will i sink or swim?

Break the Wall

perhaps it's really time to focus on something. something specific. i just realised that we can really not do two things at one period perfectly. you gotta sacrifice something, babe. i dont know what the heck is moving in my head now but one thing though, i'm not very happy. life is treating me so unfairly. things that i always opt for, never come to me. when i turn around to laugh at it, it's coming. gawd, by the time it's there for me, my passion for it has already gone. somehow, knowing myself, i would grab it without hesitating. and later when time comes, just when i'm reluctant to let it be gone, i'll be regretful. what a...woman!! i'm just such person, i aint sceptical but you know, not having anything that you want, if not need, is something really pissful..right, self-invented word, i guess?

i have a new dream. and im going for it, right, not revealing! babiez, im back on track! everyone is forgiven now! i wonder who's done wrong so far though, to me, heek... am i forgiven? aww..

Distress not

and now i wonder if we should take everything that seriously, to the extent where we take that as a responsibility and we dont even have a slight idea when we will carry it till, it's sorta strenuous to me and on top of that quite vague too. it's amusing (right) , things seem to happen so unpredictably. what more could we ask for? of a life, so erratic. and in occasions, life is too fair it seems. when we're having the time of our lives, it surely takes something away from us; every new beginning is some beginning's end, same token. more or less. consequently, i am doubtful over every little sweet things that happens, at one moment i could be enjoying excessively, the next thing you know, something has just screwed up. is this what we live for? fact says human is not perfect, i personally think life is not perfect too, it wont be. right, they wont be, indeed.

as for me, speculation is always the best friend of mine. you could also assume i'm a little psychic but in an opposite way. therefore i dare not think of all the good and blissful things that'd happen on me, though i always hope they will. what pathetic! hah, every so often i choose not to think. isnt it the best solution to not let myself feel distress?

life goes on, people!

Hidden Love

Finally found the answer to my one question..
Love is just next to me, indeed. i feel it up inside.

Blessed with Love, once again.


With Love, Life is so wonderful. Cheers. =p

Where's the Love? (All by Myself)

i wish i could turn back time.

this is one thing i would really love to do, at the moment. then again, i dont wanna walk through the same phase over again. it's sickening. all this while no matter what i do, it's somehow wrong to at least one party. until i got to know myself better when i encounter something innate myself. its always all by myself. when i reach out for someone, think myself. that's the answer i always get. am i living myself, today?

i hate myself for being emotional. i know i shouldnt. cuz its really something tiny. what am i.. every steps that i take could be a biggest mistake..i'm tired of all these freaking shit!!! i wanna breathe!!

i'm profoundly depressed. i miss everything.. i dont wanna stand on my own. i dont want.. i dont wanna act like a kid..and i'm not! i'm crazy, i should have done something more meaningful than this... i'm still a kid. that's right.

without love, what is life?

Ditto

what ludicrous emotional feelings- first day of May, i wanted to cry. and the same thing occured to me that i am one brat. come to think of it though, i couldnt recall the sad things that i've gone through throughout this whole damn month, ya right i had been working, or rather, have been working. its ending soon, well, i might be demanded under a few circumstances. fine, it could be that the first and last day of the month of May, are my emotional days. is it worth all the tears? for only 2 days? not.

i guess i have never been at this situation right now, im totally out of my mind. im so useless, everything is out of my hand; out of my control. when i try to reach out for something, its always not there.. i've gone through all these before, it actually hits me deep now. in the middle of the nights, i express myself. it's somewhat a time when noone really knows what im doing, most of the time, i think back all of the things that i've done on that particular day and so i cry for the sorrow. and the regret. it's time for myself. it's no more a time for the bribery. like i've done one before. no more time in heaven. a borrowed heaven.

let it out. accept it, dont let it turn the screw.

Tonight, I wanna cry.

Keith Urban has one song by the title of this. credits to jet. i love the song and im definitely feeling it. on occasions i dont even know if the things i've done all along is wrong or right. about the things that i've gone through, it might even sound childish to you but to me it's the walk of life, i take it as i'm growing up and im handling things in an independent way instead. so basically different people has different perspectives.

i have a close friend, i bet she doesnt want the name to be mentioned down here, knowing the person she is. she's afraid of getting old, as in the way we see things will change in the long run. we no longer laugh over the stupidest joke, but to me, the moment the clock is ticking, somehow there will be something that is changing inside of us- the heart. what if there was no time, we wouldnt know what's wrong to our seniors, wondering why their hair drops day by day or turn goldishly white someday when we wake up to the new day, not knowing how old we are too. like, the creatures wouldnt know what's the day today, or perhaps they have their own way of looking for the answers to these dumb questions.

i dont know what the future holds for me, it's abit of too early for me to see the grey side of the world perhaps. i really wanna know what exactly it is that is on the other side of the world, i have the curiosity to discover it, not to jupiter..venus or anything like that though. i mean, there should be some other places that are not known just yet. how do i get there? well, dont worry peeps, i'm more than rational at the moment, just wondering. ignore me.

the road is long. too long. there must be alot of things ahead awaiting for me, but im afraid i wont have the guts to unscrew the chain. i'm really scared. please give me a hand while i'm walking the line, it's crooked somehow. am i too free to be thinking too much? puzzles are scattered else where, still picking it up and am trying to hunt for the pieces.. what if i cant complete the puzzle? right, i should get some shut eyes now. not really a pleasant Labour day for me though, sigh..

tonight, i wanna cry.

Fire of Anatolia

Previously called the Sultans of the Dance, the Fire of Anatolia is comprised of hundreds of folkdance figures and music from various regions of Turkey. It is a splendid performance that is based on thousands of years of ancient Anatolian mythology and cultural history. Im profoundly impressed to say that I got the golden opportunity to enjoy this energetic and dynamic show. I hope though, i could have another viewing pleasure with my beloved ones. heek, i would wanna feed their eyes with the amount that's gotta do with it from my bank account. we shall see!


Turkey and Malaysia, two nations so close but yet so far. Both nation are thousands of miles apart and yet both have the same believes and cultural values.


Brilliant!

Boredom.

everything remains the same, for now. as bland as usual. i'm still not going anywhere after all the petty mistakes that i've made within theese few months.. perhaps i should call it quit; cant wait for it instead. i dreaded myself to wear a mask each day and crawl to work every single morning. ps: i dont know what i've been doing recently. nothing has changed, nothing needs to be changed anyway. somehow i could see the difference in you, hopefully you would be back again and i'm more than willing to be screwed up, not from anyone else, but you. i love you.

is this drudgery a torture or a signal of happiness?

burden. something's gotta give to make a change.

Life.

if i were to look at life through rose-tinted glass, i'd be hyped up each and every day, aint i? with the interminable rise of pressure, i cant ensure myself to perceive what the so-called education stands for me. everyone has packed their bags and go back to their tertiary education, while i'm working at the moment. from the greenhorn to being someone who is able to help out on events, i feel much appreciated, after all the drudgery. thanks for believing in me all this while, to some people. sigh life, having a wishful thinking and to have one is totally different. those who have are just plain relax. while the latter, could be racking their brains. for now. if you know what i mean. i hope i could put a tinge of colour in everybody else's cheeks by being true to them and they, should know we are all one, no racist; put a smile on your face everyday, it does make a difference. life, i love.

Hey there.

is there anybody out there who miss me? hehe.

perhaps this computer has been suffering for far too long a period and so it yearned to be washed away all the pain somebody has given and so i guess it explains why i am out of this bloggie world for some time.

sometimes i'm just asking too much. i dont know what i'm thinking and i keep having thoughts of getting this and that. i'm sometimes high in demand, sometimes not. this is not what i wanna talk about though, leave it aside. all right, there are just so many things that i want, but looking back, those are just luxuries. i feel bad. i am really sorry. sometimes i buy things that i dont really use, once i bought it, i somehow feel that it's just the fun of spending cash. not too bad though, i'll still find myself using 'em as i planned beforehand. i'm a mixture of a spendthrift and thrifty, oh right, does that mean i measure myself up with that? hell no. ya know, i would spend a lot on food. and especially food. talking about luxury, i'll still eventually find myself loving the something i bought which i thought it was a waste of money-lah. hehe. am i complicated? well, i love new stuffs damn lot. i think the right term to use is i love shopping! hehe, whenever i hear someone's going out to any of the complexes, i'd raise my voice yelling yes! nowadays i dont find myself liking to stay home, heh have to depend on whom i'm going out with of course, heek! goin out with my darling is always something to be cheerful, are you one? ^^

when i spend money, i'll feel guilty. when i save em, i dont know what's the use of it. for future? probably yes, that's just what i'm thinking. but some people just think we should spend everything with the salary, i seriously dont think so. like the future holds nothing for you. then again, we should spend happily cuz we are brought up to live life to its fullest. the minute you spend on branded goods and very expensive gifts, then you're doomed to misread the thing to living life to its foolest! phewit, should we spend or not? but when it comes to a guy who spends on the girlfriend, it's always the better..hehehhe. i love you!

haiyo, i always cant seem to end my blog nicely..hehhe..