then im sick

aint it funny? i've finally fallen ill. people, im sick!

and im sick of the things around me. i seem to be living in denial; denial in disguise. i hate this feeling, when is it gonna be subsided? im awaiting for time to come. and why do i have to face this all alone here. well i can say i have made a lot of sacrifice so far. if you yearn for something, you've gotta surrender some of your belongings. and then you weigh it yourself if it is all worthwhile. what about it? do i still have you in my life? having said that, i guess i only need my close friends to make it on my way.

it seems i am frantically not very happy with what i have - the way im being treated. im sorry i pray for Karma.

im still here

time goes by, so slowly that i dread myself to wake up. it all boils down to this fuckin reason that i cant sleep at night. i mean how could this happen to me, ever? believe it or not, i have not been having good nights lately despite the excessive spending on this and that. that's just what a girl does, nothing special. i practically rely on these to escape from my daily dull routine. i've fallen into the edge of darkness. whatever i do looks wrong to me.

i walk around trying to understand

shouldnt you be amazed or havent you wondered why i didnt blog on my 21st birthday?? ah, did i just mention it, hell yeah im officially 21. im 21. wht the heck. i dont feel like it. in spite of the many many friends celebrating birthdays in october, it just feels like an ordinary day slipping subtly away. and i didnt have complaints. just like any birthdays you celebrate, you're bound to receive gifts. in singapore, i dont have many friends. having said that, i did receive some from unexpected people. really grateful of their kindle thoughts. i dont know why but i know im blessed. unfortunately im afraid of the day where i wouldnt get any gifts from god. if you love me, i would appreciate it even by a mere 'happy-something'. i do, really do. believe it or not, i cried myself to tears the moment i got the greetings from certain people. not just any other friends.

right now during this earthly hour, i keep calling jet but he's not giving any response. i wish i could help. perhaps he's too exhausted. the fatigue that one has to go through when things dont always go your way, and yet you just have to pull through. i totally feel it. constantly indeed.

someone please hear me. sometimes, i hate myself for being me.