Craving For You

aww man, the exam finally started today, how i loong for today to arrive. dont you feel weird bout it, after this 2weeks' nightmare or shud i say sweetdreamland, i will have my own excessively wholesome hours to compete and too, i cant wait for it. yet if i really wanna talk about it, there's really nothing much i'll do except hanging out with peeps or studying at home, humorous huh, so you think i'll study?.. i'm kind of speechless at this moment. but somehow time changes, all right? i might be the one who nerd for hours each day, who knows? well, i find it inconceivable as well, what more to expect from the one who's reading this to believe or even have a petty thought of it. kekke, but hey, i will really nerd, for at least this year i guess. it all just depends, on my mood.

there are still 2weeks ahead, how am i gonna struggle through it without your support? please guide me and give a little bit of generosity; hint me some ways to get you. i am totally out of the being initiative kind, so dont put hopes on me. but i really do need you. this is true. LOL. you are the AIR that i breathe, you should really know... hehhe, hang on, dont expect anyone of you to be as important as it described as, you arent! lolz, just joking~

if you know me well and of course reads well with goodie eyesight, you might guess the one who has the force to be in my mind for so long and indeed, stand a very important position.

peace out.

Born to Try

it's in the middle of the chinese new year. i should be very excited but apparently, im not. it's not about stuff which involves gambling or money; it's totally nothing to do with that. i did a personality test few minutes ago, which i have done last year but didnt know the purpose of doing it over again just now; i was oblivious to the fact that it had to say about me last year, not until just now.

perhaps it's about the timing. i started to think deeply. friends i have a whole bunch but when it comes to soulmate, i think i have.. not to say none. perhaps subconsciously i really keep big problems to myself and if you are going to ask me, i have no idea is what i'll have for the question you ask. i dont like to burden people and i dont like others to worry things with me as well. it's not right i guess but i find it hard to open my heart and worse still when it comes to secret between me and another person, who cares if it's a he or she, i really am not going to tell. a lot of people confide in me but why cant i confide in them, as in big problems? i am no cynical, it's not like that. i do have faith in people but it's darn hard to really tell it to someone. small things like guys, luxuries, lifestyles and so on, i do tell. and what you think i have left out, is actually what i am facing. go figure.

a person confided in me; very special person. this person touched me intensely. in the absence of touching or being touched, people of all ages can sicken or grow touch-starved. what do you think? anyway, that person asked me not to tell anyone, i guess i have to keep it to myself again. worse still, it's somehow something slightly related to me. others' problems i like to hear and give my opinions on but, you know life's like that, it's easier to be said than done; when it really happens to you, you really not gonna do what you should do. sigh, i dont know how.

perhaps i am born to try it on my own. keeping big things to ourselves, do you agree?

Dreams

woke up from my sweet nap few minutes ago, i have discovered something. i dont think it's unique enough for me to post a blog on it, but still there's something always urges me to blog about it. something i feel about dreams.

i had a great time napping on my sofa. believe it or not, that place was and indeed, is the coolest place to take nap, not even my bed; my bed will only function well when it's bedtime. the sofa is placed right under the spinning-fan, how cool. i am never gonna go ahead writing about the ambience due to the temptation of it. aww, i feel like napping again.

back to the topic, what is it again? hehe, yeah dreams. i had a few dreams in just a mere two or three hours' nap. it all went well, not until i got to this that i actually feel that whenever we're having dreams or so, we have the right to stop it. yea, that's our prerogatives. well, i sometimes have this bovine stupidity to having a flying dreams, which is a dream that actually scares me and i will always want to get away from it. it is just too strong at times and i cant escape. it is gravely nerve-racking and intimidating most of the time. i was scared, dreadfully. again.

dreams can be wonderful and yet it can be horrifying. apart from the dreams i am referring to, there are still the solid dreams we make along our way. those are our motivations, i guess. everybody dreams. theorectical dreams make a flashback for some particular people whereas the solid dreams are what we can have our control on. it all depends.

remember, dreams may vary. of course, it's up to you. we can never have the same dream twice, in which we can be told by anonymous; we can never cross the same river. therefore, treasure every moments we share with others, including our foes'.

ditto the greetings.

Break!

today's the first day of my break due to the ding-dong festival, chinese new year. hehe, should you ask me how my feeling flows, i think i'll most probably tell you, well nothing much, just sort of excited to have a short break after these few weeks of struggles. it's awesome to be waking up late again. hehe, speaking of it though, i cant really sleep until afternoon, hehe, not suggesting it's a good habit though. it's just weird that i can no longer sleep that looong. is this a good sign?

once i look up, i see my calender. it reminds me of the examination that's approaching toward this lazy mind i'm gifted, feel bad now. hehe, perhaps someone who reads this will assume me of having mood swings, hehhe, i am not. just feeling lazy again, argh, my procrastination chases after me again, please leave me. it's human nature i guess, we can do nothing and we shall just leave it and let it be. this tedious chasing-after does no harm on me!

looking to my left, kekke kii..kii Kisses are on my sight. i grabbed it and ate it. ahha, it's the Hershey's Kisses. what a melting chocolate; melts my heart to the sweetest territory, at the moment.

anyways, merry chinese new year everyone!

Well

i miss my blog. although i have not much to release now, i just feel like blogging something here. just wanna write something. i have no idea what to write though. it's weird eh? but i'm sure if i keep typing with my hands, words will come to me. and i guess i'll surely come out with something. who knows, it might be. maybe not. hehe.

i just wanna say that i'm really exhausted. maybe it was because of my yesterday's over-reaction watching tennis. it was a tough match. and i'm glad that marat defeated roger. i'm just hoping to enjoy a hewitt-safin final right now. it's not too much to ask, isnt it?

well, i think those thoughts have come to visit me again. this thing i'm about to write really have been awhile emerging in my brain, mind or whatever you call that. well, sometimes i think having a really whole bunch of friends can be a problem. no offense though i really think so. you might be having a big question mark in your head now. all right, you know sometimes people tend to think that a person actually has a LOT of buddies and that they eventually dont go and look for them you know, talk to them. they dont because they have in mind that you, actually have a lot of friends and you dont need them to come to you. i guess, this is wrong.

let's put it this way, if everybody thinks the same way then the one with 'lotz of friends' will be lonely. do you agree? it's basically because nobody has the urge to go for them. this is sort of unfair to them. i am always a weird one. i like to make friends with people whom the others think that he or she is well, abnormal? i think this has happened since i was still in my primary school. i dont know why. hmm, honestly not really everyone, of course there are still someone that i dont feel like talking to. this is common, isnt it? i'm still a human, i need to express my hatred or refusal at times too. it's impossible that i like everyone in this world. it's not that i'm introvert or anything like that, but friends who know me truely know that i'm a sociable person, dont i? lolz. i'll leave that to you.

by the same token, it's illogic that everyone likes you the way you are. even the very famous and renowned, albert einstein for instance, honestly it cant be that every human beings in this world stand by his side right? does it make any senses to you? this is just my point of view. my intention of writing this is i seriously have no idea, hehe.

all of a sudden, i kind of doubt my own generosity. you know, i'm not saying that i'm very generous in doing charity or the likes, uhmm well, i dont know. sometimes i just have this feeling that i'm not me, am i really that generous and kind to people? im serious now; not being sarcastic at the moment. i really doubt it. i'm lazy. i admit that but most of the time when i'm in front of my dad; whenever he asks me to do fundamentally anything, i tend to drag it. and eventually, he thinks that i'm not being helpful. huh, i have no words to say. my mother, well, sometimes. keke.

i'm felling so moderate right now. you know, having this stand-fan beside me and i am still wearing my pinafore, having my hair down, having the sun still shining glaringly, i dont feel hot at all. you know it's like, you have to answer this emergency nature's call but you dont have to plunge into the toilet to deal with it. now that's the feeling. i'm not very happy and am not unhappy. hehe, i do smile to myself when i'm writing this coz it's kind of ridiculous to me. i dont know what you feel about it. maybe this post is kind of confusing or too long maybe? i dont know, whatever man!

chill.

No Idea

man, this is way too late. or better to say, early. this is unbelievable, never thought that i could actually stay up so late today (well, early? whatever!) because i am so darn tired. but today (still consider as today for me~!) was brilliant. as well as the day before.

i went for two parties consecutively these two days. whoever it is, i did have fun throughout the days. thanks for the fun i had. i took lotsa pictures with my cousins. keke, all went crazee!! jet, if you're reading this, feel the fun dude! we still miss ya! =) anyways, thanks for the cakes which has put me few kgs on, chocolate banana and tiramisu still linger in my mind.

i think i am still crazy despite the fact that this dummy is still awake writing her blog in the wee hours, so insane; as in into it. i was quite touched just now that there was a friend of mine actually rushed me to upgrade my blog. i'm just speechless right now. i wasnt really bothered about it as i was doing my stuff, but the words seemed to be floating in my mind. until now, yeah. so thrilled. perhaps that person was just trying to crack me up, somehow i take it seriously; funny case.

well, i've trim'd my hair today, just slightly shorter and i feel great with my reincarnated look. another alter ego is born without having my mom pregnant for another 9 months or something. this is crap, it's so late at night and i'm still crapping. what kind of person is this? hehe. argh, cant imagine if my mom ever gets pregnant again. oh no!! haha! i think bar-my is the word now. hehe.

gotta dive into my sweet land now. sweet dreams everyone. =)

Hey

what do ya normally expect from a schoolgirl to write? apart from doing homework, still homework. the teachers are great; they manage to mark our exercises just in time and give out exercises again. perhaps, we should appreciate their liberalities. they are hardworking in terms of our homework, we should also appreciate that and try our best. all right, whatever man! ever since the school started, i have been blogging about my school life, which is quite dull sometimes, hope you would bear with me. i have no signs of cracking any fresh jokes or any interesting stuffs. my mind is blinded by my homework, totally. my life is jam-packed. is anybody gonna set me free from this tension?

latterly i am having problems to write essays on account of my inept adroitness. this is saddening. time is like the pilots, dont wait for anyone. i hate the fact. i must work on something as soon as possible before it's too late to get my grade. well, it's never too late right? phew! holy twaddle, rubbish! it is always too late for me to actually realise that something has gone over the line. time, time, time! i am just too inattentive.

uh, having bad hair days. im gonna trim my hair and start anew. and dont be lazy to reach out your hand for vitamins. remember!

Out of the Blue

i was pumping my head doing my add maths exercises. i felt lazy all of a sudden and turned my face to this computer i'm looking at right now. i clicked on my brother's chinese blog and dared myself to explore it this time. i seldom visit his chinese blog but i just feel like browsing it without his presence this time. i never know why. i always have this feeling when i'm at a loss for words to describe my feelings; indescribable feelings that is. perhaps i have lack of vocabulary or in fact, i am. and now, that is so true. the feeling comes back to me again.

i miss you so badly
i still can't forget you
i dont wanna forget you
i hope you can hear me
the day you departed us
was the hardest day for us
things wont be the same again
without your stories and laughters
grandma i miss you suddenly

suddenly i'm sobbing.
suddenly i'm weeping.
suddenly why am i using so many suddenlys.

nothing lasts forever.

Stepping Stone

clumsy.

forget about the equation, i feel that the word mentioned above is the urge. just in case you happen to be experiencing a day in a life like i did today then you are worth to be laughed; although it's not the end of today, i guess what that has destined to occur on me is more than enough to burst you into laughters. talking about laughters, it sounds sort of exaggerated to me all of a sudden. anyway it is somehow related, at least it's coming from the same family in a sense of involving the same exercise for your mouth.

what happened wasnt just by flicking your hair back and when you turnaround, you didnt realise that there's actually somebody standing in front of you and then, you stumbled and fell. well, just assume that you have a long hair here if you dont. all right, guess i should prep my throat and spill it all out. well, first of all i set the alarm wrongly yesterday night and i never realised it until this morning when i actually woke up for another hectic day.

i thought i was getting late and plunged into the bathroom to wash my face, brush my teeth and all. when i came out from it, i was trying to check how much time left for me to have maybe a slower motion; as in i dont have to rush the hell out of it. and then, i know that i really did not have to rush; guess what, it was merely 4.30am in the morning. a very beautiful morning.

an usual thought of a teenager like me would have the will of diving into bed again, but it wasnt for me today. i guess this is all Fate. hehe, actually i did try that out. i didnt happen to sleep and trace back my sweet dreams again ( well, i guess it was, though i cant remember..) was because of the magical water that has kept me awake; i rolled on bed for half an hour only then that i finally moved! by the way, perhaps i should thank the water for keeping me rolling on bed.

anyway, being clumsy could be one of the methods; if you are willing to spend the time i spent on bed rolling to revise your work, then it is! guess it hasnt fated to happen on me so far.

1 Pillow & A Bolster

how long should i make myself to lie on bed each day? cant sleep without my pillow. and my bolster. and my comforter. hehe, whole set of it. sounds really greedy but everybody needs those. those are not luxuries but our needs; some things we require every night. well, whenever we feel like lying on bed to release our drowsiness or dizziness, whatever you call that. oh, i forgot my dog and my minnie mouse. hehe, i bet those are luxuries eh. *blush*

i am planning. 5ive hours? 6ix hours? it's no way gonna be 8ight coz i will be having this sort of feeling which is not capturing every second of my time well. in a minute, everything can change; in that particular minute might have the slight chance to own a footprint in my history.

i am so motivated right now. no confidence equals to no success.


***
be good. stay happy. take care.

Gosh!

this is the longest illness i ever got infected. i really dont have any words to describe my infection, if you ask me. this is too much! i cant talk smoothly now, let alone to sing. gosh, i cant express myself in a condition like that. pls hint me.

these miss you nights are the longest.

i miss my online dayz man! now that i am back to school, things noticeably have to have a change. i cannot online everyday the way i did in last two months. those were the days. this is the first day that i actually get myself connected to this computer contentedly. it's a really tough year to go indeed. i cannot predict my result but i do believe in determination and motivation. ridiculously, my friend just tried to motivate me. what did he say? he said...he said that he was going to buy me something if i really scored straight As. funny funny. despite knowing the aptitude of myself, i guess the chances are like next to none. but god knows! i am gonna endeavor my best anyway. believe in the old saying; strive hard while the iron is hot! lolz, this phrase reminds me of my alma mater's buddies who wrote that for me. thanks anyway.

i must put much effort in it in order to achieve what i want. i maturely understand that. i gotta learn to face all these on my own, now that i am alone. perhaps i am not now, but soon; is one thing i know. if you get what i mean.

give me my voice back!

First Day

first i got diarrhea.
then headache.
stomach disorder.
after that fever.
fell ill, until?

what the...?!! is this some sort of nerve-racking before school reopens? anyway, hope it goes away soon for it is the first day of nerding days.

a dusty-and-filthy-yet-moderate today. all-in and weary.

Hooray!

never will i ever write the year 2004 in my exercise books again; top right i mean. born at the year of dragon, the chinese astrology says that i'll lead a great year. well, what can i say? lilian too doesnt predict it well and accurate all the time, wait a minute, is this about feng shui aGaiN?? they are a lot of readers who are intrigued by her and also, being her faithful fans maybe? i guess this happens to the adults more. she's going way beyond the limit sometimes i think. wearing the so-called auspicious purple blouse and gives us a talk every year? come on, it's just her doing it. what's with the tickets then? go figure.

the above points out like i have a hatred for her, dont i? lolz. apart from saying what i've just mentioned about her, it'll be a holly crap if i do praise her of her impressive sense of humour. trust me, she's good at it. wondering if i would ever be her buff in any time soon, or in the future? hopefully i wont because i know i shant. *eyes rolling* hehe.

okay, it's the first of january of course, let's wake up to another year!! may all the best be with you! you, my readers! thanks for dropping by and stay tuned for more craps~!

Goodbye 2004!

blink blink!! it's nearly the end of the year. 22 hours to go i guess. what a hectic year i had. this is just so fast. one word, unbelievable! wondering how the year 2005 would be. could it be an apprehensive year? no doubt, it is! well, to me at least. sigh. guess i will be a total nerd next year, uh huh later!! i'm really anxious bout it. cant wait? perhaps.

by the way, when i flipped through The Star newspaper today, i came across a headline that caught my eye. it was this lady, Grace Chow who had passed away on the 5th of december i guess. hey guys please do check that out here. this is really touching, i nearly cried. another cold dark year, i can still remember my grandma died last year and i thought it was the unluckiest year, really. yet it seemed and proved to me that it was so obviously not. undeniably, tsunami wave swept lives away. heartbreaking and depressing.

all right, forget bout all the unhappiness. we cant always stay in the past and having the negative views. let's get positive people!!

welcome 2005!!

Not Myself

there's something that i feel but i cant tell what on earth that is. riding round and round in this melancholy, i feel so down. when i bring myself into this, i'm really feeling it. oh my, this is so absurd, so out of place. at the same time, i keep listening to billy gilman's hits. i'm falling in love with his voice man. i'm still riding, in the middle of nowhere.

tsunami victims, RIP.

Time to Chill

guess i've been playing gunbound all these while. friends were really introducing that game to me, but i didnt really get myself hook on it, coz i never tried. now that i've tried, no idea what it calls.. is this considered as a good thing?

i've already had the answer in my mind; if i do manage my time well then, it is and vice versa. next year is, beyond doubt a big year to me and a really tough year indeed. i have no idea if i can cope it well. the only thing i can do is just try.

ridiculously i tell myself every single year that i am gonna study hard and smart in the forthcoming year. it didnt really work out that way. why? sloth. i'm trying to tell ya that i'm gonna say that to myself again subtlely. lolz.

wish i could save myself from the well blocked up with lethargy. sigh. bored now. time to chill? not again, dont feel like doing anything. so how?

Do They Know it's Christmas?

It's Christmastime, there's no need to be afraid
At Christmastime, we let in light and we banish shade
And in our world of plenty we can spread a smile of joy
Throw your arms around the world at Christmastime
But say a prayer, pray for the other ones
At Christmastime it's hard, but when you're having fun

There's a world outside your window
And it's a world of dread and fear
Where the only water flowing
Is the bitter sting of tears
And the Christmas bells that ring there are the clanging chimes of doom

Well tonight thank God it's them instead of you
And there won't be snow in Africa this Christmastime
The greatest gift they'll get this year is life
Where nothing ever grows
No rain nor rivers flow

Do they know it's Christmastime at all?

Here's to you
Raise a glass for everyone
Spare a thought this yuletide for the deprived
If the table was turned would you survive

Here's to them
Underneath that burning sun
You aint gotta feel guilt just selfless
Give a little help to the helpless

Do they know it's Christmastime at all?

Feed the world
Feed the world
Feed the world
Let them know it's Christmastime again

by Band Aid 20

Research All the Way

life is simple. i can do it.

well, woke up in the morning today and the first thing that came into my mind is that little voice was asking me to buy next year's textbooks and exercise books. where's it? yea, my school. who was the little voice in my head eh? hmm, weirdo. this is unbelievable, time is consuming and i finally realised that i have a lot of virgin exercises piling up high. it seems to me that i can hardly finish everything off. but, i have to.

went straight to school for the books and of course, i had to buy for my younger brother as well. whoa! my brother's books are more expensive than mine!! kewl. later after everything's done, we just headed for lunch and got back home, both in one piece.

sigh. once i stepped into my room, i just had this sort of weird feeling that i have to do research. what?!! research again?? let's face it. i did do it. i do research until now. i manage to finish one out of five. my head is so dizzy over the information that i got. i am so slack right now. i dont want to do anything. i just want to have fun right now. afterall, i am flooded by my procrastination. well what can i say, that's me. phew, have to pick up the phone now.

by the way, 3 days to crimbo.

Excited

today was fun.

my ex-classmates and i went to mid valley today. hmm, there were 9 of us altogether. what an outing. it was like a total different feeling that 2 of us actually transferred and already have adapted into new environment. that's not it that matters but come to think of it, our relationships are just as close as we were. not to mention i did have a slight disappointment, just forget it though. this is the first time that i ever get to have lunch and dinner with friends. yeah, first time ever! this feels great even if i did was in a rush that i was gobbling down my piece of pizza, so greedily. yeah, you might think this is a total crap but i was having a great time. who cares? however, not to suppose me of getting home late. i got back real early. it was only 8. i could still manage to get home right in time for soup. yippie!

feeling a sense of reading a shaggy dog story eh? *lolz* hehe. no, it isnt. this is just as actual as the Newly-weds reality show you watch on television. the one with jessica and nick in it. well, this doesnt mean that i'm into them; not even one of them. no offense. i prefer ashlee! all right, i should stop writing on this topic. coz it will never end whenever i got myself having a self-styled discussion which is related to entertainment. hmm, now that i'm wondering if i ever get myself involved in debates that's connected with entertainment, will i ever win? *lolz*

i spent a lot today. spent a lot on gifts. spent a lot on food. spent a lot on bowling. you name it. anyhow and whatever it is, it's worth it. actually, this is a way of consoling myself i guess. money is spent, what to do?

someone's blushing. thanks for that couple of boxes, hehe. well, my belated birthday gifts. let's put it this way though; take it as extremely early gifts for next year's. =)

Guilty

this is my personal blog, i guess i have to be pretty-honestly frank when i'm writing this. i should and i have to and i ought to and i did and i do, for real. yes, everything that i put much effort on, i am seriously doing it passionately. no kidding. all right, up to the main post. my blog, it understands me and knows me well. knows me better than anyone else in the world. not even myself, well, i'm just uncertain bout it. phew. i should make this a more straightforward way but i cant do it. everybody will be reading this and one who reads this will know how terribly mean i am and how... civilised i am i guess.

rejection that smash straight to your face is really embarrasing but is it really that hurtful? i guess i know but i have no idea bout it. again, i did it. i didnt mean to when it's not my startout point in the first place. this really is not what i intended to do. i seriously feel the guilt now. i totally have lost my mind. i never know why i feel the guilt this time around. perhaps i know and pretending not to know; loyalty.

help me, i believe in something called Karma. guys, what goes around comes around; whatever befalls the earth befalls the sons of earth. i'm afraid this will ever happen to me in the future; the future that no one can ever predict.

i'm so sorry, you'll find someone better.
tight spot. hear me moan.