wanna be happy

no matter what i've done, i reckon there's actually nothing much i can do now to make it all up. it's not like i've done anything wrong or what, but it might be wrong, under all circumstances i mean..one thing i know though is that we should never be regretful..everything that happens, happens for a reason.. and life goes on..

just had a conversation with vic. he made me realise how life should be and we must be tough to face it. and measure everything by ourselves, i was like, so true. we have to face it our own..because this is my life, i ought to live it the way i want it to, without regrets of course which figuratively means dealing with things in a rational way..

however i did catch a movie with may and jet yesterday..Walk The Line that is.. it is indeed a magnificent movie, unlike some would even call it an insipid one..haha..that movie really got me into it, those things that they were in, made me feel like it shouldn't be this and that..haha..got me heart beating over..somehow i went through a real tiredness after that movie, perhaps i paid a lil too much of concentration..haha and my eyes were hehe..sort of red! cool cool.. 2 grammys at least, good job! woohoo, somehow my movie awaiting list up next would be Casanova! haha..

i live my life. never care what other people say.. i just wanna be happy and i hope sincerely that you do too! peace out! =p

nothing else matters

just because you actually are standing next to the edge of the fire, this does not necessarily make you wrong. it's like whatever i do is wrong to you, you pick up on me this and that, if not everything. i am downright frustrated at times but all i can tell is that i do not have to make any so-called explanations as my words don't affect any other consequences no more. it's sad when someone has soon lost their prerogatives. somehow, i do not always think i'm right all of the time, like you presume foremostly. the urge of reasoning things to you, has soon faded away, as you would also try to think i'm actually making up bulldog stories. on the other hand, i'm also touched that there're actually people out there who have faith in me, all this while. you used to be one of them, so long as i'm aware of. i still bear with the silence that you give me and the coldness.. all the zits of emotions which i do not have to let myself suffer. but i did. and you never cared. what am i supposed to do? anytime from now, i just thought that everything we do, it's for someone else's sake, so there's no right or wrong. or perhaps it's right to be wrong at times, to gain your experiences and stuffs. thanks to God who gets me through all these. it aint over yet. it's growing older and older. i'm like.. suffocated. i wanna get back to school!!

nothing else matters. when you've already given your reasons for whatsoever that you've done, that's it. if that someone refuses to trust you, then just let it be. it's not like the whole world's gonna stop and stare at you if you never got the forgiveness or so, like that particular person doesn't believe you no more, what's the point of it?

i've always believed in you. why do you not?

No Bails!

went for a gathering two days ago. and a party.

doubted it, i never knew such a clash would happen. things didnt really get screwed up though.. thanks for everything. i was overwhelmed, the first thought was that i wouldn't be as much excited i'd get the other day..perhaps it was the spirit that got me through.. i was ecstatic!

here i am, once again, am doubtful. will we ever get together again for such a night? be it glamorous night or not, all of us had fun.. i could see it with bare eyes..think about the abstract question again, i whisper silently, hope.

another one thing crawls into my mind all of a sudden, outta that ray of light, so you think you're always right, as if none of us cares about you and, monitoring such a behaviour - ignorance, so you're surrounded by friends everywhere, what do ya think then? is that what you want? what do you want, actually? you're just asking too much from us man, i need a break down about it. so just, please tell me. i guess though, you'll never know about this and no one's gonna confront me about this, no matter how many hours later. this much i know. and this much is true.

i want you to confess. i need a confession from you. i really do.


family in crisis that only grows older...

everything's changing

as obvious as it is, everything is indeed changing, day by day..well uhm..as long as the time ticks its way out to nowhere, or perhaps somewhere that i have totally no idea about it..we're still making our lives here..

society is changing
man is changing
demand is changing

or have you changed, already? my dearest reader? you'd rather call it transformation, maybe? well, my love is never changed, i'm still the same old me..omitting the fact that i'm growing..as much as you do..i've made mistakes but i'm just a girl, what could ya possibly expect? even adults make mistakes..i dont know how i should hold my future..and partly, i know..just let it be right? i know what's in your mind, dude..it's not as if i can get a hand on it..

wake up, babe!

ah, i'm starting work tomorrow. wish me luck!

Resignation

it seems i've never mentioned about my colleagues at my current working place, Secret Recipe.. everybody loves that place despite the quality cakes..or lamb stew, perhaps? it's been fun having my time passed there, they're all so funny but then again of course, you'll meet someone that's not meant to chat for long, it doesnt matter though, i still appreciate him/her as a friend.. the rest of 'em, i feel really inseparable..i dont want this..but you gotta have to wave goodbye to something and/or someone in order to obtain a better offer..it's the only way for destiny anyway..no matter how much it hurts..nothing lasts forever, sadly..

i think i'm in love with them..

haha..the way they talk to me, they just dont realise how much i appreciate it for the someone i am to them..everybody stands a place in someone else's heart, to the very least..they'll still be one..if you know what i mean..

they are so gonna do something on me tomorrow man..i'm waiting..and i'll miss those days soon..i know..

for the one who cares, nice years ahead and i love you! =p

Lies

please dont treat me like a fool..

Open Fire

it's been awhile since i last blogged.. well.. haha.. other than procrastinating i dont know what else to say..but hey i'm currently working... hardly working.. i guess it's almost a month already..or perhaps i did not live out any passion into it.. find it not approriate most recently..or maybe, maybe despite the time being.. i do not like it much.. planning to switch job now..heek heek...

i've just given my room a brand new face..with the transformation i would say..from a petty cupboard to a..well, desk? computer desk, obviously it is.. though i do not really make use of what it's meant to be, instead, piling up books high up like..mountain..haha..gonna add some deco on it... and then i'll see how it got dressed up..ahh just awaiting to crack an audacious attempt to get the best costume award..for me roomie..ooOkay, ignore me please, guess i've not been watching any award shows lately..miss those days man..lying on the sofa while sparkling a couch potato's attitude and..hurm..chewing something oR dozing off for..a short while..hehhe..

any new year resolutions? gosh it's the 18th of the first month and i'm only saying it now..ditto the hahaz...guess i'll have to make up a few.. so far..nothing special.. Damn, i havta get ready to work now..ciao everyone ~

i see the trust in you baeb..huggles!

Never Know

never knew i would come this far.. so far that i'm away from my social circle, at least on the verge of it.. things just get outta hand... am really envious of those who have not any much bizarre to even have a thought about..while on the other hand they just bug me like...a swarm of bees perhaps? i've had enough man..i've been fooled..

and i hate making decision especially..you know, maybe you dont understand me..when it comes to making a choice among all, it's like the worst thing for me..i'm aware of this n that.. sometimes i even doubt if i'm too lazy...of not to even wanna blend my brain juice a lil' bit to fumble for balls that lead me to the bingos..

shit.

let the people say what they wanna say man.. it's not like i have to listen to them..i mean really, if they're so good at giving opinions or this and that then why are they still right here, struggling for the pot of gold? tell me?! don't make me laugh man.. go figure, if you follow what they say, they will not be responsible of the consequences after that and ahh.. Aftermath!

you're the only one to blame in everything you do.. and oh purr-leeez, do it your way..

i'm really trapped now this time. cant move forward. cant go backward. what am i supposed to do with all these...hah! perhaps i'm just somebody who's full of crap..i can blog anything but it's just that..sigh i cant do anything about it..

omens oh omens..show me the way there..


i need a miracle.

Those Days are Gone

i must have had alot of things swallowed before i started chewing.. it hurts now, cause i choked.. badly..

i never did appreciate the bad times i have had with anyone, i thought it should and ought to be forgotten..but now, i think it absolutely have to be kept as remembrance...once it's gone, there's no turning back.. even the bad days..

even if you're halfway in a conversation with someone u hate, trust me.. you'll miss it someday..at least u guys have had things to quarrel and fight over.. come to think of it, so wht's the purpose of keeping 2 good friends together if there's not much topics to linger on.. you see even the foes could have the chance to get in touch to themselves..

i missed those days..

which is much worse when it's someone you truly care about.. someone u used to chew gums for a few hours..and yet still having a conversation goin on..aint it miraculous? things will never be the same again when time comes because blatantly time can change someone else's life.. just everything... it just slips off your head without your knowledge.. here we are, sitting on the same table, having nothing much to gossip or so.. it's like a sword is right there in between the two of you, awaiting the conquerer to sweep off the dirt and bridge the gap behind the walls..

i could never relive those days..

i'm not the only one living this complicated and totally messed up place.. friends are everywhere.. but is wearing a mask to communicate with them necessary? unfortunately it does.. subsequently love is all around us.. so basically life is unpredictable.. perhaps saturated with hidden tricks of dark lies..

this is a lie..

darlin, tell me what's in the air right now? i have tried my best to help but despite my helpless stupidity, i turned the other way and messed up the Whole... (hint: inspired by John Steinback's The Pearl, a beautiful novel.)

thanks for the love that i have had and still owning it. i miss my late grandma now, suddenly. are you watching us from up above?



Love, i appreciate. Someone's watching over me, anytime and everywhere. Kisses from me. Lonely no more..

Yeah, ThanKs??!!

Shit happened.

i thought today would be the greatest joy i'd get, after all the time i've spent on being a nerd..and all..i could never expect shit like this to have happened on me.. you know what? i lost my purse!! now i desperately gravely need a job...sigh..how could this happen to me?? what have i done wrong??

how could You do this to me? it's as if i've not problems to handle..

well, think again..i guess it's because i havent been contributing any to society..so You made this happen..thank you very much..i will remember it! I'm sad but a part of me just whispers to me..i've just made a donation!! A big one.

its the last day of the examination. so what now, just wanna get a job.

Get a job!! no tears, darlin.

The Edge

one step closer to some sort of serene ambience, well it's actually the same old spot--my room..it might sound quite strange of me saying this..due to some chaos that have been buzzing me..i'm really tired, not only physically, but also mentally..this is for real..i feel like i have been away from my room for so so long and i really missed it! i am now finally vindicated from the dark cold legend, everything's finally over now..i have better things to do..i suppose.

i am gonna finish my book list..yay..no boundaries..haha..wait a minute, why am i talking about boundaries anyway..no one can ever stop me from doing anything!! well actually..there are some..i cant really stand on my own feet..pathetic, isnt it?

right when i wanna stream myself getting more involved into this post, my mom came in all of a sudden without my knowledge, asking me to dine now..sigh..another sheet of crap eh..haha..this wasnt my intention! haha..

What About This

my feelings arent subsided yet.. i'm currently having my examinations and soon i'll be crossing my hands waiting for the day of the reckoning.. again now i think life is really too much man.. i mean what is the actual purpose of leading this life i'm unseemingly given.. i dont know..especially when you're not doing well in almost all of the things that you're doing..perhaps my hopes are too high.. well you gotta be alert..

just wanna post some craps when i'm down like this..stay tuned for more craps.

Today

an important day to remember. between you and i.



















And 2nd Anniversary.

This is How

even when everything goes wrong, it all is gonna end in the evening..no matter what you've achieved throughout the whole day, it's still gonna end on that day itself at dusk. wake up in the mornings and put on masks to face the day, how long do we have to live like that? well?

i might not have to live like that AND be ignorant over everything that happens each day, but at the end of the day, what will i get? it really is prevalent that everybody prefers pleasant and decent words..well including myself of course..gradually it is somehow one thing unadvisable if you are to live with your principles in life..really, better live FAKEly..it somewhat brings out the other side of you...well, i'm not at all suggesting rubbing shoulders with friends is a right thing to do, instead, it never was..and i hate to do that..and look down on people who do so, you know who you are, dude..

man i feel like crying these few days, i've been running myself away it seems..i do not wanna talk about my graduation day days ago..though it all ended..nothing could change.. i am so gonna miss all of my days 'contributing'..well i once again dont understand why this feeling bumps in but ya know when i left my ex-high school 2 years ago, i ddint have this much sorrow.. perhaps it's about time..maturity? or? dare not to think.. because truth really hurts..

hereby is my speech on that day..(somebody desperately requested this, enjoy!)

good morning teachers and friends..
first and foremost, i would like to thank the teachers. i've had about 12 different teachers, each with something unique to offer. one had a great sense of humour, another had interesting stories from 'his life in high school' to share. some have used different and exciting ways to teach the ordinary books. each teacher has been a role model in a different way, not by what they taught, but how they taught, with respect for the students, with the patience to explain the abstract, by putting a lil bit of their own into the lesson plans.
in addition, i'd also like to thank my fellow classmates, with all the laughters especially..and thanks for your support! within these 2 years, i've had an amazing time studying and of course getting to know each and everyone of you..you guys rock! keep in touch, all ryte?
for once and for all, to all the classmates and the teachers, thank you for all the lessons i've learned. and all the best to those who will be sitting for the upcoming examination. thank you.

pouf, this is sad.

I'm Cool

it's raining right now..if you know me well, you'll know that i love rainy days..especially when it's drizzling..if you would come to me for the repouse for loving it i would say perhaps it sings out the fears and sorrow that i've been going through all this while..well, the pain and sorrow never ever leave me once, they're always there..the days when i'm wrapped with peers around are the days i'm actually out of the reality..i never dared myself to face it..even now..

i feel the agony whenever those problems trace after me for the answers..i'm just a young pubescent kid, please, i cant afford to lose anything of my own now.. please dont ooze away my frivolous charm that i used to have..real long ago.. man i miss those days..when i had the chance to fool around just to touch everything i wanted.. and no-one would scold me..even if i've broken a costly vase.. but this just a mere nostalgia which never can happen again.. you get scoldings and mumblings and bla-bla..all these crap and i would call it gribberish!!!!!

it's ridiculous that i dreamt about a guy whom i used to compete my results and homework with..and how he would think wayss to bully me..well, you might rack your brain to even have a laugh to thinking, 'com'on, carm's bullied by someone??' haha..sorry okay i was way too innocent to have realised about all the tease and cry thingy..lol..talking about bullyin..there was a girl who is now so-called my darlin, bullied me real loads! she used to pinch me and all..and treated me like a fool..haha..somehow i cant turn back the time..those days are gone..even if she's my 'darlin' now..we rarely even contact each other..strange case, isnt it? back to my dream, i was like in heaven ya know, having him around and everything was so great..we were playing swings..n all..but the dream was so vague..i can hardly recall what i was doing IN there..where i do not have to frown for solutions..sigh..

at times i really hate myself..having inherited all the bad gens sigh..it's really buzzing me off you know, and everyone would take it as a 'compliment' to flatter you..CRAP!! sometimes cant really blame them though, when they're bombarded with thoughts that having vulpine intelligence is dominant..but come to think of it, who's to blame? no-one.

very recently i came to notice that every word i say just seem to be bringing misfortunes later after that..perhaps it's best when im saying nothing at all..thanks to ronan, for inspiring me with this..i'm really sorry..i think i've hurt quite a few friends of mine despite my fetid mouth that bites....your heart..sigh..also, i cant really express myself...argh! even so, i still wont express myself straight to the point..well, am i repeating doing it now? lol..i just cant do it..and i wont do it..for fear of losing privacy perhaps? excuses eh..haha..

all right, after blogging these out, i'm feeling much better now..the rain just stopped..and it's cooling now..woohoo..enjoying it..hehe..well for those of you who are still reading this, haha.. i would like to come clean..lol..you might find it sort of ridiculous but still i have to say this, i'm trying to avoid foul language..haha..if you dont mind..replace all my 'arghs' to *beep*..hehehe

ciao for now. muah!

My cake..yea MINE!!! haha..thankie guys, muaxx!!! Btw, it's CheeseCake!! yummy!! 

Cake and Carmen..haha!! 

We share the same Dream..hehe..*secret secret* 

Let's singg it!! *Happy birthday to y-e-u-u!!* hehehe 

The First Bite! ^^