down to my last

perhaps i dare not face the brutal reality. perhaps i really think ignorance is bliss. perhaps everything is secondary. perhaps everything is merely details. what is the point?

keep wondering why, why and why. but alwys, there isnt answers to the questions i ask. it has become a cliche but there ain't anythn we can do about. im tired of this sickening hesitation. should i? would i? or could i?

do you see you're all i need? im alwys emotional. accept me for who i am. dont try to change me. i will learn as i grow up. and i will appreciate every single thing i've learnt. i gotta be alive when im sober.

a question always pops up whnever the new year is near: new year resolutions, anyone? i believe evryone has at least one. whether or not its achievable. you gotta have it. make one if you dont have yet. great years ahead man, good luck!

i knw i hv been blessed. i thank You. cheers.
merry christmas and a happy new year!!! (yes, its a norm!!) luvyah!! =p

ps: gonna celebrate during xmas 'n have a blast on new year's eve, you have one too!! till then! peace out peeps!!

crap

its been awhile. havent got time to blog. and i've just come back from a long trip. tht was great but i miss my family so dearly. so so desperately. i wanna go home again.

then im sick

aint it funny? i've finally fallen ill. people, im sick!

and im sick of the things around me. i seem to be living in denial; denial in disguise. i hate this feeling, when is it gonna be subsided? im awaiting for time to come. and why do i have to face this all alone here. well i can say i have made a lot of sacrifice so far. if you yearn for something, you've gotta surrender some of your belongings. and then you weigh it yourself if it is all worthwhile. what about it? do i still have you in my life? having said that, i guess i only need my close friends to make it on my way.

it seems i am frantically not very happy with what i have - the way im being treated. im sorry i pray for Karma.

im still here

time goes by, so slowly that i dread myself to wake up. it all boils down to this fuckin reason that i cant sleep at night. i mean how could this happen to me, ever? believe it or not, i have not been having good nights lately despite the excessive spending on this and that. that's just what a girl does, nothing special. i practically rely on these to escape from my daily dull routine. i've fallen into the edge of darkness. whatever i do looks wrong to me.

i walk around trying to understand

shouldnt you be amazed or havent you wondered why i didnt blog on my 21st birthday?? ah, did i just mention it, hell yeah im officially 21. im 21. wht the heck. i dont feel like it. in spite of the many many friends celebrating birthdays in october, it just feels like an ordinary day slipping subtly away. and i didnt have complaints. just like any birthdays you celebrate, you're bound to receive gifts. in singapore, i dont have many friends. having said that, i did receive some from unexpected people. really grateful of their kindle thoughts. i dont know why but i know im blessed. unfortunately im afraid of the day where i wouldnt get any gifts from god. if you love me, i would appreciate it even by a mere 'happy-something'. i do, really do. believe it or not, i cried myself to tears the moment i got the greetings from certain people. not just any other friends.

right now during this earthly hour, i keep calling jet but he's not giving any response. i wish i could help. perhaps he's too exhausted. the fatigue that one has to go through when things dont always go your way, and yet you just have to pull through. i totally feel it. constantly indeed.

someone please hear me. sometimes, i hate myself for being me.

life's a bitch.

i have no idea why im being treated in such an unjust situation and what have i done wrong? why do they have to do these things to me? am i not strong enough that you gotta cast a spell on me, that im blinded by the randomness, that i have to go through all of these and realise something else on earth? if yes, please do, im ready and i wont let you down.

and right there, as i read again of what i've just written, i feel so immature. you can call me childish. we have first world countries, third world industrial countries as well as developing countries. i think, i might as well be labelled as one developing human. a human being that needs decades just to prove to herself that she's capable. or perhaps not. she knows well that it all lies in the hands of god, the future. who can predict the future? nobody does.

i dont even have time to procrastinate. always in the midst of searching for excuses, making attempts to run away from reality. im such a big fat coward. the fat one. that the ass is unadjustable - that cannot be moved - the ass which cant me moved.

how will i knw

every sip of absolut ruby red reminds me of so much.. not the good times but the otherwise.
and i keep drinkin'.

well, perhaps im just tryin to make a big turn in this one-way street. if all the people in the world were to be born with a lil bit more etiquette, it wont ever trigger the nerve-wrecking situations; anywhere, anyhow. having said that, without it we tend to lose some kind of consciousness. we actually care for the people around us, very much. we just dont realise it until its gone. i know its a cliche to say this, but im constantly out of my mind. i am always being carried away by the hustle and bustle of the city. if you wanna talk abt the Orchard Road, go ahead.


i cant let go. it's the problem with me, i can never let go of something.

i hate myself for being too compassionate. it worths no standing ovation but of something if you're really goin through, you feel extremely terrible. believe me, you'll be doomed to a condition whereby nothing seems to rhyme.

please show mercy. thankeww.

how many times a day

there are the things that we dont understand in life, and i still dont understand. im gonna start babbling about life again. perhaps im a really boring person or some nuisance struggling so hard making an attempt to have better days in life. and then you start to ponder; you work so hard, by the end of the day, are you really sure if thats wht you want, if thats wht you have been craving/dying for? is it all worthwhile after all the drudgery?

how many times a day do i have to fall down?

someone please hit me a thousand times every morning so that i will not cry at the end of every day alone here in my bed shrinking so enormously tiny having too much thoughts in my head. and is it true if we laugh too much we will then cry? and if God exists, does He have to be so fair to us? stop telling me its one of those days again and again, only if everything is so easy to be fixed. dont worry about me, im not in a mess.

im just thinking too much.

and anything can happen even without your most foolish knowledge. you dont know what you have done wrong to be treated in some really unjust manner sometimes; most of the time. what happens to the nostalgia good ole memories? have you forgotten em all? i believe all of us have gone through some really unforgettable experiences. those memories will stay forever. as long as your spirit does, they will. as distressing as it might sound, i dont wanna believe in memories, i am selfish, i want to have em all close to my chest. and there, then again, what do i do to make it happen? nothing. hate me because i have alot of lame excuses to my alter ego. and hoping to feel better. or not.

i hope i could really live my life believing in the phrase "carpe diem". sometimes in life, in whatever aspects, you just need to seize the day. perhaps i should not take things too seriously. i have been trying my best, so much, to apply that in life ever since i was exposed to this phrase whereby robin williams played it so well in Dead Poet's Society (take some time off for this movie). i am always grateful for the ones who constantly instill wisdom in my head - you definitely knw who you are if you're reading this and if this triggers your feeling, thank you so much. you knw i love you.

dear readers who know me, even only by name, i fell umpteenth times and still alive vigorously kicking. make it good, be better. dont you cry, you know you can count on me whenever you need me. just let me know.

love it or drop it

i will not start off with something that bore you readers this time by saying how lifeless i am or how pathetic i am because i might not be the same again. some people say im naive or too innocent but.. i guess not. let me just prove it to you, no worries, neither will it be verbally or in written form. time will take the lead.

life, oh life. life's like a cyclone; there're ups and downs and that, indeed is the cycle of life. you probably think im rambling again this time huh, well, perhaps? i met this 3 tourists from London and we started talking. i must say i love their accent and the way they put on their yves saint laurent shirts on, woof, they're so charming! haha, yes its abit dramatic but as the conversation goes, we started talkin about life. i appreciate what this guy was trying to convey to me but heck, he's a guy and im a .. girl? or lady.. or woman.. or whatever u call it, i cannot just live THE WAY he does!! and its not something that's in your mind right now, it is something more, something more profound than what you got in mind.

and it is those times like that, that you dont feel like ending the conversation but.. you're running outta time and you gotta leave!! i dont wanna talk about what we have shared but the thing thats in my head now is not how charming they are or how hilarious they have been.. but to fathom the beauty of life. and how disappointing it is sometimes. by god's grace, he chance upon the opportunity of letting u guys meet, get to exchange opinions and having a motivational talk, the next big thing you knw is that the moment can not stay any longer. it just had to end.

it is not what you want; by force or by chance, we just have to move on to another pages of our lives. for evryone that i meet, i open another book for them to fill in rather than continuing with another chapters because i believe that evryone is so unique that we do not knw if we might bump into each other again and it might take your lifetime to finish the book. a chapter is a chapter, you will not go to somebody to tell someone which chapter you find most interesting, instead you recommend the book to somebody and it is then up to them, whether to get the book to find out for themselves or to miss the train. by the same token, if you try to read one of the chapters in a book, you might not fully comprehend its content and yet it might even backfire - you dont really know what the chapter is all about and you get confused.

sometimes you just have to let go to discover something more. perhaps it doesnt promise you the best life on earth but at least you will not have regrets in life. as william penn expressed his touch of kindness - i expect to pass through this life but once. therefore should there be any kindness i can do for someone, let me do it now for i shall not pass this way again.


# next to an irish dublin bar: the impeccable interior of moie.

allen Allen

no im not talkin abt lily allen.. no offence lol

i know this is insane but im so in love with Kris Allen.. haha i found myself falling in love with him when he first started singing Falling Slowly. i mean it has always been my favourite, who in the love of God, would sing such a song in a competition like american idol? lets not talk abt britain's got talent's susan boyle or the likes. kris certainly has my vote!! mentally lol.

and i dont even care if Ms California Carrie Prejean would still keep her overrated crown after all the topless photos and comments about gay marriage. they are just, phew, good-for-nothing. Donald trump's just deemed the racy photos as acceptable and to call them 'lovely'. ahh. i mean, she's hot. lol havent seen her in those photos though...erh.. yet!! not yet lol perhaps someday out of the blue, or perhaps not. i gravely have no interest in all these but for KRIS!!! hello???

look at him.. aww.. lol

kicking a good start

its so hard to face walking home alone. when there's no one at home expecting you back, gravely you dread to reach home that soon. therefore i will always find myself end up taking bus home. it is not because its cheaper but it takes longer time to reach home. ridiculous isnt it, in fact, taking bus home is more expensive than takin the subway. i treasure long excursions. yes i do.

as usual as it is, i went for carls jr for a hearty breakfast. yes i knw they always come in large portions but i dont care. as long as im happy, right? i do have friends here.. i cant comprehend why i should feel this way but i really miss home. even if im home alone i will never find myself being lonely. i was always as busy as bee, living that kinda hustle and bustle way of life. in comparison food from home is always better but in other regards things down here in singapore are undoubtly more audacious and interesting.

its just very difficult for me to trace back that state of grace in me anymore. very difficult. i didnt treasure the life i used to have; the hectic life i was leading. i have always been making complaints to the alter ego about how others are having the time of their lives but im not. perhaps its just those days again whereby this kinda feeling is hitting on me again. Geez!

Aaaaanyway, after the breakfast i went home straight. the unusual me, i didnt doze off once i got on the bus. in fact, i was wide awake, yes after the looong night, i was still energetic and as i passed by orchard road, i was thinkin to myself if i should hop off the bus. you knw, doing the thang girls do. yet i didnt. i was just being a real slacker at that point of time. oh well, not exactly, cuz i got a date late evening and i knew if i had gone down, i wouldnt have enough rest. so there, i surrendered to the daylight.

Got home and took my long shower. Coping with stress, i slept and woke up for dinner with my friend at NewYorkNewYork. shoud you have interest, check it out here cuz i didnt feel like taking pictures of food today. anyhow, it was awesome and the waffle was mouth-watering. very good experience there, thumbs up especially for the ambience and the music!

i realise so much has changed whereby i try to do so much but nothing seems to go my way. evrything backfired; still does. shall i give up? or should i carry on striving/struggling? or will i understand?

i gave and give the best in me just so things would turn out well. there's just always a - [but] in a sentence and its NOT a good thing babe. love me or hate me, i beg to differ.

hate this part right here

no i wasnt singing. its just that i really hate that part that i gotta come up with a freaking title for every post. and yes i know i have been missing in action for like centuries, that's only because im too busy recently. or all the time. lol but i'll manage my time, no worries.

i was sick for 3 or 4 living days and now still recuperating from sorethroat and a heart break. let's hope evrything will be fine. however it is, it all wont stop me from giving myself real treats, for instance going to steamboat buffet tomorrow or visiting the nearest franchise of carl's jr for some really lovely hot breakfast even when im sick or even gobbling down some really hot noodles. gosh talking, oops not talkin, even thinkin about it and typing em out gives me hunger. shall we stop poverty? haha, okay im kidding.

about the other carl's jr day, i would call it a Carl's JR day due to some really incredible incidents for example hopping on the same train which is all decorated by its latest THICKburger to and fro. ahh, SO FATtening and oh SO FILLING!! that's like another Tassie Tempter sorta thing, jet, if not the Bro's Funky soul BURGER or the likes from Burger Got Soul. geeeez, i would love that if i could munch on them right now. should i fly to tasmania for BGS? lol. we'll have further discussion on it and gaahh, i still havent gotten my postage of mexicana-flavoured DORITOS!!! Damn Singapore for not having this flavour. i dont care about spicy nachos or whtever cheesy flavour they have, knowing i love cheese hell lot too, heck!!! talk about FOOD!! fine, im gonna have my friend who's goin to Perth soon get me some, hehe..

i shall upload some pictures and you'll then understand and agree with me callin that day a Carl's Jr day, well, if you're aware of it, Mr Edison Chen is actually the ambassador for this Thickburger, which he actually came down to singapore personally for it and thus led to a huge disparagement. should you ask me anything in regard to that im afraid i have no comments and i dont invade other people's life.

you wanna know why they're all empty seats? cuz i bought em all up. believe me, im trying to crack up some crap. and i know i defectively failed. lol it just happened to be the last station in an early morning and there i took the chance to take some shots. yup, that's simply the reason why!

that's the Thickburger that's made from 100% Angus Beef!! =]

this is actually The Burger but it's covered and i cant help. lol. it's SO GONNA GET MESSY!!

And there, the guys had their Big Breakfast rather than trying the new Thickburger like i did. enough of the tease, i know, yes i was the only girl and i finished evrything. Must i shout it straight to your face that not evry girl can NOT finish a carl's jr combo meal, i CAN, i totally can. and i would like to instil something to your mind too, girls are not meant to have only small portion of food. i TOTALLY hate girls who pretend they lack appetite and that they cant finish even the small portion of food served. as for Carl's Jr, i will choose to forgive you despite some really blatant fact that THEY COME IN A REALLY LARGE PORTION!!! lol. adios.

the best deception

if only these can make me feel right again. when the down times hit you, even munching on your favourite food will not be able to swallow the dark pride.

for better or worse i didnt wanna make it to the end.

she is wondering how people can live life without much worries. unlike so many other people.

oh really?

i didnt think i was this close to insensitivity. perhaps i shouldnt have raised my voice. or rather, they should not intrude my personal life; who are you to tell me what to do or what not; heck, even my parents dont do that. they care about me in their own unique ways.

people love the way i am.

i have so much serendipity on you that you gotta put on masks every single morning before you make any steps. poor boy, is there even someone who truly appreciate the man behind? dont get me wrong though, i dont hate you because hog's breath gave me a reason to smile =)

readers, i'll prove myself right. teehee.

192 hours too late.

there's a reason why you're not anticipating my posts and you're forgiven for this matter. lol.

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we're stepping toward another new year, how's that appealing/appalling to you? people everywhere are talkin about new year resolutions, if you dont have one, go get one, the list i mean. im like, wth, i dont have any intentions to list em all out. perhaps its not the just right time for me. in this instance, i beg to differ.

you could say, well, i've been really so effing busy or hardly can find time to pamper my blog. take a look at my forged latest posts below, with the pictures alone leading the walk whereas every other blog is already welcoming the Ox year and making the final goodbyes for the year 2008. if you're interested, you'd probably be banging ya head on the wall, thinkin hard to yourself making an effort standing in my shoes. uhm, its not about time making new year resolutions but what you have done over the past year, and if you are contented with it - its reversible. personally i wouldnt mind admitting 2008 was a blast for me. having the flashbacks to myself, a disparaging blissful beam says a thousand words at this moment now.