In the Middle

i dont know why. i just feel really awkward. i'm like in the middle of everything and not getting any further... i am profoundly uncertain. and i mean really! why does everything go on like that? just wanna know why, i dont expect anything beyond that. of course, i do want the solution but that doesnt seem to be working anyway.

everything i do.. it's like nobody really appreciates it. they just blow me off and leave me hanging in the air just like that, and that's it. i'm tired and sick of it. did i do the wrong thing? my mind is empty except thousands of question marks floating.

where did i go wrong? and what should i do?

then again my uncertainty is driving me all the way mad. i dont even know what i want...

Doubt

11 dayz of strugglings ended the way it should be. im finally back to life again but on the other hand that was just the beginning of the very extreme i know. i feel like having a hard rock placed in my brain and yet it is so darn heavy. i wanna remove it but the truth is my energy forbids me to having it done and out. it's aching.

went out to release stress today but it seems that it was quite depressing in the end; having noticed that my purse was screaming for companions aka the money. i spent so much today on presents and of course for my own. fortunately my buddy spent more and that i could actually find a reason for myself not to be down. moreover, money is just money but happiness is everything and miraculous.

and sadness is? i dont dare mention anything about it. i think my heart wanna stop here.

Just Wanna Live

everything is not right
i wanna scream i wanna weep
no one can make it right
i wanna dream i dream of flying
flying haunts me
never predicted things will turn out to be like this
so sad
look up to the sky everything is still
it's so fake i'm going insane
strandedly stuffed with chaos
my bolster im everything with you
chocolates you enlighten me
failure you're indeed a good teacher
send in blue devils
triumph never wish to be heard
pain and sorrow
nobody knows nobody experiences
shake my head silently
tidal wave drives me off to sea
fire defines inevitably sultry
nowhere to go no one to lie on
hard to watch the time
wake me up when the sun heats up
soulful ride shallow dream
allow me to live through damnable calamity