anticipation

its all about life.

its all about waiting, you are anticipatin something that meets your preferences. its gonna take a lil time, i gradually tell myself at the end of time. i crave so much, to have a less hectic lifestyle. in the end, it all remains the same. the same damn thing in life. well, shit happens.

is there a miracle in life? some says yes. hell, there are even people around who would believe in such a thing. its symptoms are quite similar to The Darkness, who believes in a thing called love. perhaps there isnt anything in life that they could risk their lives for? or rather, they're playing on the safe track, it is their decision anyway. there isnt anything to lose, huh.. i'll just choose to agree to disagree then.

i dont feel good right now. maybe i'll talk later.

December Buzz

Starhill Gallery is one hell of an indulgence. Been to Jogoya twice this month, wow, my stomach is feeling definitely treated but my pocket... lol anyway it was an absolute amazement.

here i go.

Caught a movie last night at the Pavilion, I AM LEGEND. didnt think it was a nice movie, paid a little patience, and in the end, things turned out, it wasn't great AT ALL. no offence to those who either enjoyed it, or rather, would like to give it a try. maybe that was just not for me.

there are things in life that certainly don't go our way.

my exam is finally over now. i could give my longest sigh of relief as much as i want but in order to earn more money (of course), im gonna work. and i am indeed working. work is tiring, then again, is there any which comes easy to your doorstep? hell no. therefore i'll just take that and have it crunched to myself. phew.

back to square one.

intensity in ten cities

hands held high for chiodos.

at times i do take time to remind myself, how i could be so interminably wordy. sigh, direct translation would be long-winded. and im repeating it, over and over again. why, im not in the mood. i would also doubt my own ability occasionally. i can not create new history for myself. i mean, nothing extraordinary. nothing towards the positive side. or perhaps there are, and i dont quite realise most of them. i do admit though, i only remember the bad things i've been through myself. right, i shouldn't pass that.

well, there's something i must say, that i normally write posts when im all wretched or depressed. i don't usually do it when im excruciatingly excited. hehe. then again, i didnt blog for the past few months, i reckon, and it wasnt at all related to this, if i was as much busy like the swarm of bees, enjoying my life. that was just plain procrastination.

coming clean, i did something immoral today, not rude. wicked. i am not gonna say it because that should be kept only between me and the little things that were involved. *giggles* everything has a price to pay, i have known that ever since, but i didn't practise that. today, initiatively, especially i was the chosen one.

fate has decided to punish me now, than later or never. that i shouldnt have acted the way i did. ahh, so freaking naive and innocent!!!!!

arghhh, HaagenDaaazz...you gave me (us) a hard time!!!

*back to reality*

Karma.Is.Ghastly.

not me, not I

made errands the whole day. i didn't have complaints. it wasnt very much like myself. or perhaps i do act like that, i mean innately im a very patient person or all the good qualities you have in store for me. im influenced by somebody, perhaps?

when i was a little child, i used to behave like a nutcase. when things dont go my way, i would just blurt out all things that came to my freaking mind. i was so thoughtless and inconsiderate. the whole world was afraid of me, or maybe they hated me. i didnt care less. as time goes by, i came to understand many of my deeds are almost close to being a cannibal, the only thing that makes me different is that i dont eat them alive. right, it's like there's nothing else i'd do. mind you, im never a spoilt kid, even though im the only female at home, apart from my mom of course. relatives used to 'wonder' if i've swapped my sex with my brother's. should i be mad or sad? well, i ignored.

things are better now. i should carry on with my changes. for god's sake, i dont see the good values i have instinctively. guess that's something i should be proud of. or not.

***

as i turn on some old songs, i wish i could go back to the old days, when i was so naive. look i was still a kid, less responsibilities. i was only a mad fan of mtv and channel [v], nothing else. dude there goes my life. certain times, i would long to watch the Lizzie McGuire. Hehe. kinda find myself being girlish, which is hilarious.

have i changed or do i remain the same? well, this is somewhat a post - believe it or not. cheers.

idle

aggravated i am. with myself. im am soooo lazy. didnt do much study lately, i should get started right now. as the final exam of the year is near. so freaking right there. almost all of my friends are having their sweet holiday, some are dwelling on with part-time job, the rest just enjoy their time rotting at home, if not hanging out everyday with acquaintances. i dont mean im jealous though, relatively im kinda strained with the remaining time i have got left (not gonna die yet-lah). i have to study, all right, i'd better rephrase - i chooose to study!! i should have this mindset, rather.

well my doppelganger has left for India to further her studies in dentistry. from my deepest core, i wish her all the best. we've known each other ever since young, really young, like, when we were in our kindergarten. we werent close, well, heck knows! hehe.. fate brought us back together when we reached 13. we were finally classmates again, and then, we formed a group of associates. i really appreciate this relationship. it is just depressing because i live really far from their places, therefore, very few reunion. i even made things worse by transferring outta the school at 15. yeah all blames on me, im still glad im still keeping them as my close friends. more activities in the future, aight?

watching her tears flowing down the cheek, i got gloomy. reason being i didnt spend much time with her before today, hehe. luckily though, i made it to the KLIA this morning to see her off. she has totally broaden her circle of friends now, i didnt feel much neglected though. we meet people along the way. im blessed with many of them too. very close indeed. its all right as long as the people i care are happy with their surroundings. their lives.

***

there are many things ahead i havent accomplished that i planned for myself. i find life more challenging now. it's absurd that i have this feeling being apprehensive about my future. perhaps anticipating the unknown. life is truly an enigma! mann!

i wish that i could find the words to say ...

i cant let that happen again

when you stumble in a very unpredictable posture, people actually laugh at you. i suggest you look around and watch people falling down, and sing along the gleeful London Bridge song, that doubles up the fun! go ahead.

in a hurry..

already you are feeling so wretched, the uncivilised and immoral delinquents still do mock at you. where is the sense in that? we are nurtured from young we oughta give a hand for those in need, or rather? i.e. those who fall down so desperately hideous and senior citizens to cross the furious road.

however i finally know now, how we have to get up ourselves during the ugliest moment and act like Homer.

the smarter window

put aside the negative thoughts for a moment, start counting my blessings, the world does seem like a better place to live in. i start to think to myself, why cant i just ignore the pettiest thing in life that bites, and live my own beautiful life whereby i hang out with friends, catching the latest moves on screen, window shopping, spending money on favourable goods, everything and everything. when i sit down right here and now, looking out the window from my room, i begin to realise, there are so much more fantastic and adventurous actions i could take, rather than just locking myself up in the room and get on with the mourning. life sucks, on that particular time in hell. i want to be loved again and i want to be heard. getting angry does not make things right, by the same token, no one even bothers to give a damn shit about it. when that happens, we would be the abandoned immature kiddos in town.

while you may be slotting in your guts well in your reference books, i am right there laughing with my jolly jaws wide open. i have now had nearly everything planned, life is not about burying yourself in the pressure which leads you to the sickening spot. as disheartening as it may sound, i would still have to spend millions of hours trying to sort out the very tough sums and solutions for the mathematics. and accounts. and economics. hehe. that is my duty after all. life contradicts well. i may have a moment of joy right now and i know, it can never stay forever, there's gotta be ups and downs in life to measure up the typical world. therefore, the only thing i can say is, come what may! haha..

i have blended myself into so many activities that God has for me, some i excelled, and of course, there have been failures. though i always stick to the motto that Experience is a very good teacher, yeah the next line is, She sends in terrific bills. awww.. well, i am now going to pass the bottom line because i dont have room for sadness for the meantime!! hehe, let bygones be bygones..

scenes from a memory. Im revived and Im back! =)

walking away.

running away does not solve anything.

i dread to 'sign in' and escape from peeling-myself in front of my own darkest eyes. you might be able to feel me, but not knowing the exact reason. i do not have to reveal how deep my sorrow is and how n when it is gonna eat me, alive. someday you'll know., somehow. i hope.

for the love of vodka, the pelican did not do a great job. i could not still laugh away with pain. there have been so many updates in my life, i will never understand where there are gonna put me to, somewhere out there i know. i would not call them as part of positive marks though.

listening to the songs, they have me back the sweet and bad memories. i cant help but to sing along. i guess i was being too naive with a troubled mind, it led me to this. if only i have not made part of the silly mistakes in the past, if and only if, i would have been a happier person. those things never go away. i keep cheering myself up each and every day, it is just too unfairly unnecessary. why cant i just be myself - feel the pain when im hurt, cry as hard as i want to and not forgetting to smile when im contented. instead of being normal, i do not have the guts to face the world. is there anyone who would and might be able to fix me? i wouldnt be given an answer. i truly know how sometimes people around us can be deceiving. hypocritespleasestayawayfromme.there are people who can make believe to be so nice (aww) but they would just show their backs on you eventually. who am i to trust at this moment?

emotionally if i ever talk to you again, i hope i would behave like a person like you.

Incomplete.

instead of rolling on my bed, i am actually thinking about wonderful wonders - all the reasons why the hideous are so lovely. are you gradually made confused by me? every now and then? Hmm..

i am most of the time sick of myself. why am i not studying at this moment? all the biggie exams are just so near, but i am still here. well, the feeling, it is just a feeling. Love is only a feeling. Hatred is also only a feeling. Love and hatred are a form of the only feeling. How could I think ill of myself? How could I? How could you...? I am even bewildered myself, what is there to say about you? i thought to myself. I am so dead.

what a wonderful world. life is not beautiful, though i cant take my eyes off it. somehow. hint: the hideous are so lovely. a temptation noone can resist.

sigh. I am still making rounds. I should so leave now. Life is too short, but we are only given one shot. Hence, live life in complete-something. sigh, again. Today's one of my close friends' birthday, i just wished her through a text message this afternoon. unfortunately there's still no response from her. i wonder why. has she changed her number already, without giving me the idea? im upset. OR perhaps, i think too much. she just doesnt feel like giving out replies cuz it would have cost her a bomb to do so to everyone. perhaps im just not the appreciated one. Alright, i must be thinking too much again. The little voices in my head is telling me to stop. *c-a-r--r-me-n*

Good luck to everyone who will be sitting for the Malaysian University English Test (MUET) this saturday. Especially myself.

Politics

i have always wanted to be in the Reds or Yellows when i was in my alma mater's. it's kinda funny that i would come up with such absurd thought. perhaps it symbolises the justice that we used to have in my school way back then, why on earth would i yearn for such? oh well, i was in Blue. The impairment has its specialty. The former and former will always be treated and remembered so well. That was so unfair.

i couldnt seem to find a way for existence to be seen.

all the very little things just plunged in without any sirens signalled, i am devastated. of all the things that you have sacrificed for at least you feel that you have had, you are then dupped as -useless freak and being treated as a nobody by a lunatic (1) in particular and of course, you (>1) are never left out, having not known me all this while but you think you have; there's a reason why certain objects are so wanted, you just havent. oOo i wish i could yell my lungs out straight to your face that, if so you think im a nobody, please make believe that nobody is perfect, in equality, I am indeed perfect!

u dare me?

yet i do know that im appreciated. massive applause to all of them. lol. I am so not matured, not childish.therefore would you please mind your own business? for now i have finally found my stone, why the hell would i ever forget about the Greens? Like, i am now a Yellow. I truly have gone through the drudgery that the well treated are deemed to. I hope I could make another option instead.

Jeez, i finally meet true Justice.

Unforgiven

perhaps i expected too much from the past. it has all now turned into darkness. i cannot believe myself believing all the lies that i have been lied to. i can never forgive myself for being such an unscrupulous nuisance. for that, i will weep myself a villain.

i know so much that i have been idle but my heart is still beating for this, my dear. im going crazy, things have not been working out so well, and yet, no one hears me. it is just so uneven that when you confide in someone so profoundly that he can hardly understand you, nor can she learn to appreciate the person you have always trying hard to be. then again, it all goes back to the same pathetic ellipse, fact always hurts; they do not overlook you as a friend, let alone a close one. oh well, just some passers-by on the stage i reckon, life's a brief candle my dear, if you are willing to lit that bit up, it will not be reluctant to shine itself bright for you, if, the otherwise. could anyone out there show me an earthly way of knowing such, right, could i have an acquaintance in time, for god's sake?

True friends are rare, really rare. you know i would have [had] you in mind, don't you?
at the end of the day, you will still have yourself. Cheers. =]

Goal.

2006 sucked bad.
everything went on so NOT smoothly.
barricades were along the way offering aid.
thanks so much, it was like i wasn't me at all.
i used to have all the little things i had wanted.
it was all gone in a year.
all gone.

oh well, seems this is an angry post
well its not.
those were just plain truth.
had nothing else to complain about.
those bad stuffs are gone.
hooray for a new year has come.
might be too late for me to welcome this, but the feeling is still there
aint it?
let's just start anew
by not mentioning the new year cliched resolutions
why can we not just do it

love you.
love myself.
love 2007.