Goodbye 2004!

blink blink!! it's nearly the end of the year. 22 hours to go i guess. what a hectic year i had. this is just so fast. one word, unbelievable! wondering how the year 2005 would be. could it be an apprehensive year? no doubt, it is! well, to me at least. sigh. guess i will be a total nerd next year, uh huh later!! i'm really anxious bout it. cant wait? perhaps.

by the way, when i flipped through The Star newspaper today, i came across a headline that caught my eye. it was this lady, Grace Chow who had passed away on the 5th of december i guess. hey guys please do check that out here. this is really touching, i nearly cried. another cold dark year, i can still remember my grandma died last year and i thought it was the unluckiest year, really. yet it seemed and proved to me that it was so obviously not. undeniably, tsunami wave swept lives away. heartbreaking and depressing.

all right, forget bout all the unhappiness. we cant always stay in the past and having the negative views. let's get positive people!!

welcome 2005!!

Not Myself

there's something that i feel but i cant tell what on earth that is. riding round and round in this melancholy, i feel so down. when i bring myself into this, i'm really feeling it. oh my, this is so absurd, so out of place. at the same time, i keep listening to billy gilman's hits. i'm falling in love with his voice man. i'm still riding, in the middle of nowhere.

tsunami victims, RIP.

Time to Chill

guess i've been playing gunbound all these while. friends were really introducing that game to me, but i didnt really get myself hook on it, coz i never tried. now that i've tried, no idea what it calls.. is this considered as a good thing?

i've already had the answer in my mind; if i do manage my time well then, it is and vice versa. next year is, beyond doubt a big year to me and a really tough year indeed. i have no idea if i can cope it well. the only thing i can do is just try.

ridiculously i tell myself every single year that i am gonna study hard and smart in the forthcoming year. it didnt really work out that way. why? sloth. i'm trying to tell ya that i'm gonna say that to myself again subtlely. lolz.

wish i could save myself from the well blocked up with lethargy. sigh. bored now. time to chill? not again, dont feel like doing anything. so how?

Do They Know it's Christmas?

It's Christmastime, there's no need to be afraid
At Christmastime, we let in light and we banish shade
And in our world of plenty we can spread a smile of joy
Throw your arms around the world at Christmastime
But say a prayer, pray for the other ones
At Christmastime it's hard, but when you're having fun

There's a world outside your window
And it's a world of dread and fear
Where the only water flowing
Is the bitter sting of tears
And the Christmas bells that ring there are the clanging chimes of doom

Well tonight thank God it's them instead of you
And there won't be snow in Africa this Christmastime
The greatest gift they'll get this year is life
Where nothing ever grows
No rain nor rivers flow

Do they know it's Christmastime at all?

Here's to you
Raise a glass for everyone
Spare a thought this yuletide for the deprived
If the table was turned would you survive

Here's to them
Underneath that burning sun
You aint gotta feel guilt just selfless
Give a little help to the helpless

Do they know it's Christmastime at all?

Feed the world
Feed the world
Feed the world
Let them know it's Christmastime again

by Band Aid 20

Research All the Way

life is simple. i can do it.

well, woke up in the morning today and the first thing that came into my mind is that little voice was asking me to buy next year's textbooks and exercise books. where's it? yea, my school. who was the little voice in my head eh? hmm, weirdo. this is unbelievable, time is consuming and i finally realised that i have a lot of virgin exercises piling up high. it seems to me that i can hardly finish everything off. but, i have to.

went straight to school for the books and of course, i had to buy for my younger brother as well. whoa! my brother's books are more expensive than mine!! kewl. later after everything's done, we just headed for lunch and got back home, both in one piece.

sigh. once i stepped into my room, i just had this sort of weird feeling that i have to do research. what?!! research again?? let's face it. i did do it. i do research until now. i manage to finish one out of five. my head is so dizzy over the information that i got. i am so slack right now. i dont want to do anything. i just want to have fun right now. afterall, i am flooded by my procrastination. well what can i say, that's me. phew, have to pick up the phone now.

by the way, 3 days to crimbo.

Excited

today was fun.

my ex-classmates and i went to mid valley today. hmm, there were 9 of us altogether. what an outing. it was like a total different feeling that 2 of us actually transferred and already have adapted into new environment. that's not it that matters but come to think of it, our relationships are just as close as we were. not to mention i did have a slight disappointment, just forget it though. this is the first time that i ever get to have lunch and dinner with friends. yeah, first time ever! this feels great even if i did was in a rush that i was gobbling down my piece of pizza, so greedily. yeah, you might think this is a total crap but i was having a great time. who cares? however, not to suppose me of getting home late. i got back real early. it was only 8. i could still manage to get home right in time for soup. yippie!

feeling a sense of reading a shaggy dog story eh? *lolz* hehe. no, it isnt. this is just as actual as the Newly-weds reality show you watch on television. the one with jessica and nick in it. well, this doesnt mean that i'm into them; not even one of them. no offense. i prefer ashlee! all right, i should stop writing on this topic. coz it will never end whenever i got myself having a self-styled discussion which is related to entertainment. hmm, now that i'm wondering if i ever get myself involved in debates that's connected with entertainment, will i ever win? *lolz*

i spent a lot today. spent a lot on gifts. spent a lot on food. spent a lot on bowling. you name it. anyhow and whatever it is, it's worth it. actually, this is a way of consoling myself i guess. money is spent, what to do?

someone's blushing. thanks for that couple of boxes, hehe. well, my belated birthday gifts. let's put it this way though; take it as extremely early gifts for next year's. =)

Guilty

this is my personal blog, i guess i have to be pretty-honestly frank when i'm writing this. i should and i have to and i ought to and i did and i do, for real. yes, everything that i put much effort on, i am seriously doing it passionately. no kidding. all right, up to the main post. my blog, it understands me and knows me well. knows me better than anyone else in the world. not even myself, well, i'm just uncertain bout it. phew. i should make this a more straightforward way but i cant do it. everybody will be reading this and one who reads this will know how terribly mean i am and how... civilised i am i guess.

rejection that smash straight to your face is really embarrasing but is it really that hurtful? i guess i know but i have no idea bout it. again, i did it. i didnt mean to when it's not my startout point in the first place. this really is not what i intended to do. i seriously feel the guilt now. i totally have lost my mind. i never know why i feel the guilt this time around. perhaps i know and pretending not to know; loyalty.

help me, i believe in something called Karma. guys, what goes around comes around; whatever befalls the earth befalls the sons of earth. i'm afraid this will ever happen to me in the future; the future that no one can ever predict.

i'm so sorry, you'll find someone better.
tight spot. hear me moan.

Pastime

my little brother leaves this house again; he's going out to play badminton with his friends. badminton, football, ping pong, and lotz more... those are not my leisure pursuits, it's his, my cute little brother.

should you ask for mine, i will never know how to answer you. just leave it to yourself; to find it out yourself. only if you really wanna know. but there's one, even if you do not wanna know i'm gonna share it with you. (seems like i'm forcing you to know huh! *lolz*) i have never noticed that i have this favourite pastime, at least not until today that i actually got to realise it. guess what, i like to read story books. i just cant believe that this actually has become my hobby once i left my previous high school. it could most probably be that life there was totally hectic and stressful and i didnt even have my own life. my textbooks gravely hogged my time. that's so terrifying and killing.

hippie, i just finished Life of Pi. it's an uplifting story. it requires intellectual thinkings i guess, you know it's instilled with religions which i'm so not clear about. my brain stops responding, truely oblivious to anything that happens around me whenever i put my hands on that book. i enjoyed reading that book, yeah!

starting another one later, Vernon God Little; my favourite book!! wondering why the book has already become my favourite even i havent already started reading yet? *lolz* actually i've scanned through a few pages earlier before i get the book. =)


14 days to christmas.

Given chances

it's good to see people of my age who can actually compose their own song and perform it. how i wish i could be one.

a friend of mine sent me a track that he and his friends composed themselves yesterday. i tried listen to it; although it wasnt a clear track but i can feel their determination working hard on it and it wasnt that bad actually. it's a nice song yeah. ridiculously, that song even woke my brother up. *lolz* the title of the song is nothing lasts forever. well, good try!! i tried listening to the lyrics of that song but let's just blame the mp3 player. sigh. *sniff*

i did write out some lyrics years back but i have thrown it all away. never know the reasons why i did that, it was indeed right from my heart but i just feel that those were you know, some kind of immature thoughts. only a few close friends got to share those craps, not even my family members. it's not that i dont share with them but you know, you have your inside worlds in different aspects. you have your inner thoughts for sure. not anyone in this world can share all of the secrets with you. for instance, certain people you'll tell them certain secrets but just not all of them. human beings are born like that i reckon, dont ask me why. there are always some secrets that we keep from other people, even it's the someone you share everything with, it's just that natural.

in recent times, i'm self-learning the guitar. things didnt work out the way i expected. i will not lift up the white flag though. not as soon. i must never give up on doing anything else. work it!! i can do it!! i need some kind of self-actualization i guess. can anybody please tell me that. playing guitar, yes or no?

so natural. blur.

A Gap?

it was a great pleasure to have met an ex-primary classmate yesterday when i was shopping for christmas gifts. if i'm not mistaken, guess it was at the British India outlet. i was particularly astounded, really, when i saw tht familiar face.

'hazel, how bout this?'

this looks-familiar-to-me girl was replying her aunt while i was beating faster subconsciously. i dared myself to lift my guts up though.

'hazel?'

her eyes told me that she was stunned.

'..carmen..?!!', i tried to jog her memory.

'ohh..hey!! carmen!!! how are you now??', she stroke me with that hey. this hey here indicates the surprised-hey, instead of the widespread-hey. it wasnt nice of me to be standing there with speechless-yet-slightly-opened lips, waiting for her to bum in another question.

we nodded at each other. tick-tocks away, we exchanged emails for our future use and left the cold air at the same place.

imagine, it has been 4 years of not-meeting and no gatherings that i have ever been to, so to speak, how could there be any conscious minds to start off any gap-less conversation. just a conclusion: we are both not the kind of person who can actually bridge the gap without stinting.

Another Day

after a sleepless night, i seriously am not sleepy. ask me why? no idea.

having holiday is so much fun although it's so boring at home. hey, at least i can have lunch with family. let alone family members are cool enough, it doesnt have to be bombastic-cum-expensive dishes. heh, having lunch with family is so much cooler than dinner man. not to mention breakfast; sometimes or should i say most of the time, once i wake up, it's already noon. my brothers? ditto. *laugh out loud* aiks, i, myself also havent any clue why having lunch is better. you tell me.

im so bored right now. no intentions to do my homework because i know earlier that my homework is never will be done. poor gurl. show me the way please. peace.

Fingertips on Air

apparently, i posted an invisible post. god didnt agree with my decision of posting it to be read by anyone. furthermore, i now dont have the urge to rewrite the same old thing that i wrote just now. again, my then feeling has changed after a relaxing shower. phew. therefore, i'll just let it be. perhaps, this is the will of god. or perhaps, he didnt want those words to be known by anyone; just dont let it be heard or seen. whatever.

i learnt a lesson though; not to fuss over things that dont seem to turn out the way we expected it to be. i was quite irritated when i saw the error that occurred on this flat screen minutes ago or should i say hours? and before you know it, i was already not in the mood of talking and everything.

before my emotion comes back and traces me, i ought to forbid my fingertips for being so agile right on top of these randomed-alphabets, roman numbers, and all to practice its speed any longer. i was walking alone on the boulevard of broken dreams. and depressed for real. inspired by the green day, thanks.

what am i typing? what am i crapping? what am i to do? where should i go? have i ever gone right? or havent i? what do i know? i dont know...

crappy lame post.

Believe

"Where?"

"Why, to the North Pole, of course. This is the Polar Express!"


a robert zemeckis film. believe. a masterpiece. 

"It doesn't matter where the train is going. What matters is deciding to get on."

seeing is believing. believe, it lies in our heart sooner even before you genuinely realise and touch it. you gotta decide it, yourself.

Staying Alive & Peace

i'm glad
when i'm waiting
tons of thoughts rush into my mind
it's so unpredictable
even when i'm walking with the time
it's ticking my senses away

i'm numb
at the very moment
holding my story book
with my fingers
hesitant in my mind
playing my thoughts again

still waiting
for the one to pick me up
every cars that passes by
keeps my nervous system
going insane and crazy

i'm confused
not knowing what's the purpose
somebody please tell me
the answer
for the zero i asked

carry on waiting
and still
waiting the time of your life
for the days will come
in the long run

then again
it's unpredictable
and so erratic

i'm perspiring
the unknown cells
tell it to my mind
think positively
it says

if you think you're one of the lucky ones
always bear it in your mind
if you're assuming
you're the unfortunate ones
you're wrong
there are way too many queueing
behind you
you wont notice it
by just turning around

think spiritually
it's just a matter of time

i'm broken
am like the fish
behind the glass
it's mine
me alone

i did i did
the tweety bird once cheered me
i think i saw a no one
she shrieked again

i swim again
behind the glass

yes alone
it's so sad
no one can hear me
in the murky water

they say
the world outside
has a deeper sea
can i swim
can i handle the pressure
it's hard to walk this path alone

dont you catch the idea now
we are one
in a world filled with colours
the story goes on


it's the world aids day. stay alive!
hold on to your voice behind you and think twice. you wont get infected by just a mere touch. be good to everyone else; especially them. you know who i'm referring to.

a friend of mine is celebrating birthday today. what a crash with the world aids day. no offense, dude. i might not be the first to wish you, but here's my sincerity. happy birthday, ant. would you like to request that song? =)

'you wont be infected by smiling and hugging them.'- sean p.diddy comb.

peace.