This Can't Die

we have unfinished business!!

the world is so beautiful, but i didnt know. i let go a lot of pleasant things in life. i only got to realize it when i cry though, that'd be far too late for me then. perhaps you might gonna have to tell me that's when i should be smiling. but that's not it. =)

i flaunt my intelligence the other way that i find it ludicrous at times. you have already known it if you knew me well enough, therefore nevermind the questions. so there you assume! however it is, to somebody i have no wit but its okay, they're just shallow. i dont have to prove to them how i hold an absurd grief to the things they do.

whee! im alive! Buon Giorno, Principessa Carmen! (aww, im honoured! =p)

Am rather anxious about the future. i dont quite like the way it is now, because apart from studying the textbooks or scamming through the fake facts about the immature game my country's Prime Minister, Datuk Seri Abdullah Ahmad Badawi (Pak Lah, lol) and the former PM, Tun Mahathir are playing, i am still awaiting to reach a certain stage whereby i am totally vindicated from the upset surroundings. and yicks, the Light Rapid Transit (LRT) in Malaysia actually dangled in the air (how long did it go eh?). for god's sake, screw the constructions.

what a shame-lah, ouchh!!

except a Rado.

there're more of me that you haven't seen.

they think they know me. they think they're very close to me. how could they ever tell, i'm just a person with a name. i guess i gotta chuckle to myself, even next to me is an invisible man. when i try to reach out for you, do you think you'll be able to make it there for me. jeez, everyone tends to get hooked up with our haughty eccentric, like, i have never said i adore-something. people, they have me as a topic in between their conversations, as if i haven't a clue. im upset. they never ask. they have preconceived idea, of me. they dont do it based on sufficient knowledge about me. it is not fair. at all. to me.

but i dont speak up. b.l.a.m.e myself.

on account that you might get carried away when you talk, it's better if you just shuddap! dont speak my language, i dont very much like it. i have been trying to fill up my days with the good memories we once shared; the good ones, stay forever. how many times can i pretend though? i will be tired, if i see no appreciation. hey i dont give n give, without having a slight chance to take at all.. im not as generous as you think, if you presumee! sigh, its an imbalance of justice.

why do i have things to do with injustice, all the time, why? if you find guilt from this writing, its better if you do.

holy crap.

what do i do now? there are good evidences why i am given a fine name, you just havent; ya have to look one for yourself, cheap hypocrite! take that!!


get it? im traiiiing to be generous.

Kiss from a Villain

such a massive repulsion is conjuring up inside.. i feel so disgusted. i dont feel like talking to anyone else right now. not even myself. the only thing to do is to blast out loud music , well, rock ballads. its still peculiar, cuz i aint supposed to listen to any ballads for the moment, well maybe something to do with angst or hysteria..suits me more? argh! but im no angry, neither am i emotional.

*some days i feel like shit. i wanna quit. n' be normal for a bit.*

do i have to smile before i laugh? do i have to leap before i jump? do i have to swim before i drown? all these questions are meant not for scamps but could i fortify more of those, so i would be one sinner? hope not.

i doubt if everything i do is right. it just looks so wrong. i dont wanna do this no more. and to hell with it, no regrets in life? funny...not!! how could we? unless we're born not with the dream n the fickle mind to be more motivated. and to struggle, damnnit!! if someone is all under estimated, now you tell me? cuz i feel like a cow now, with nothing.

***

enough of those. im actually fine cuz i know nothing's gonna be all right, even if i sit through with my inevitable agony. and yes carm, live with it! i dont need nobody to sympathise, i can handle it myself. life is ours and we do it our way! who else to blame, eh?

join me my Black Parade!!!

Rue 'n Due

despite being ignorant, i am blissful. because. ignorance. is. bliss.

i faked it.

so much for being 18.

life's such a hurly-burly FM that i dread to stay. what's the worst that i can say? it is not about what i dislike or how unfairly God's been treating me, anyhow, i do not need a reason to be angry with god. i have been so gleefully enjoying my everyday's mainly-routine but somehow something's gotta give.

xxx

few days back, i celebrated my 18th birthday. it was fine. i never expected my thoughtful classmates to have bought me a cake from CoffeeBean; tiffany sweetheart, that is. i really liked the picture of they getting it for me. it was really sweet of them. to be real, never judge a book by its cover, haha cuz it didnt really taste as good. later, i got another icecream-cake from Baker'sCottage by my beloved pals, to my big surprise, it turned out to be freaking temptatious, even better than the CoffeeBean's..haha guess we shall only grab cheesecakes from CoffeeBean, the other normal butter or creamcakes, well, leave that to SecretRecipe, still. lol.

right here, i shall blow a thank-you smooch to the ones who have gotten me the birthday wishes and gifts. i do appreciate them. it's times like this that i can truly see a heart. so long and be good.

i call th(e)s(e)...HOT!

i cant get enough of them boys!!! OhMyGawd. their album is worth so much for a Bailey's chocolate milk!


and owh, i want Baileys for my birthday!!! hahaha...its a joke. not!
very funny, its just a yawp to constantly remind myself of the red wines (duh!) we have in the freaking fridge, screw it! ahh...everyone's drinking Baileys.. lol

chilis, yeah!

show you chilis.. lol

nails for breakfast, tacks for snacks

panic! at the disco.

excitement!

lol...reading back the previous post, i'd feel im childish myself..now you know, people really do gain from experiences..and that we're back to good terms again..guess a tiny thing like that can never break the crucial relationship, i'd say. *appreciate that*

wow..life is so much happier now..

i baked a Tiramisu Cheesecake yesterday!!! oh.my.gawd. i cannot believe it, and when it's right time to be served, i was like sitting there, fishing for their opinions (read, criticism lol)cuz they're very particular in cakes..hehe and out of my surprise, it turned out to be good. the feedback is cool, and im contented. The cakes, they'll build the anticipation outta me, before i start off with my own business! hehe. (credits to lilian XD)

i was in high spirits last night. someone even suggests that i get an mp3 to recover my insanity, lol. this person should be spanked, thoroughly. haha..

get a life

you literally want the whole world to know im at fault. heck.
i do not need a freaking generosity from you.
you never are appreciative with you friends.
have you ever wondered how you treat your 'so-called' close friends?
nobody cares to come clean.
carry on with you comparisons.
at least someone has had enough.
have you ever respected me as a friend?
heck knows.
not to mention a close one.
please examine yourself before you slip your mouth.
you win it all in spite of your petiteness.
compassions in my nature,
and tonight is our last stand.

the carmenology..cool eh

Ten Top Trivia Tips about Carmen!

1. If you toss carmen 10000 times, she will not land heads 5000 times, but more like 4950, because her head weighs more and thus ends up on the bottom!
2. India tested its first nuclear carmen in 1974.
3. People used to believe that dressing their male children as carmen would protect them from evil spirits.
4. Carmen is 1500 years older than the pyramids.
5. Ancient Greeks believed earthquakes were caused by carmen fighting underground.
6. Owls cannot move their eyes, because their eyeballs are shaped like carmen.
7. When carmen is swallowed, she will enter the blood stream within twenty minutes.
8. Ninety-six percent of all candles sold are purchased by carmen!
9. Carnivorous animals will not eat another animal that has been hit by carmen!
10. New Zealand was the first place to allow carmen to vote.

you will be sorry.

spa

bumped into an mp3 yesterday, i so longed to have it. guess what, (what-lah) i didnt buy any. damn this is because i've promised myself not to overspend this month, and if you've always followed up what in the world's happening to me and what on earth i have been doing, you'd know or rather, think i'm an excessive spender. in fact, well, i'd say, perhaps. lol.

all right mp3s aside, i'm getting one anyway, maybe next year and most probably next year. i need to save up for now. well, you know something, i enjoyed myself to the bits today; went to Bjorn, to get myself a spa treatment. with fam, who else. okiedokiez, i had to strip naked man..imagine all over my body, with only a 79.88889% transparent plastic panty on and oh not really, that was a G-string, damn! and...my whole body, from head to toe, was touched by HER fingertips. lucky thing that came from a gal. i think the whole treatment thingy was an aromatherapy body massaging, therefore dozing-off is off the rack. she's cool. though i didnt know what actually made me trust her; her handssss ON my....lol..leave that to you.well well welll, i guess i shan't elaborate more on the process of it despite it being you-know-what, hehe. then again, you should really experience it yourself, i highly recommend it cuz you will really feel the difference!! especially when you're struggling through this damn tertiary education. just give it a try man, it does no harm but beneficial, trust me.

xx

here comes my first sigh for today. lol, not really. hehe. well, god treats me fairly, for real: my normally-only-pays-visit-once-a-month-chum-who-strives-hard-to-follow-the-2months-ghost-festival-trend (hold, while i take a deep breath, lol) acquaintance, has managed to fulfil his dream. argh, thanks for this second stopover. if you know what i mean.

feathers

what's the point of living? why are you here when you have better things to do? are you aware of what's gonna happen next? on you? on others? your friends? and your family? all right, no intentions to make you wonder..

it's my time again, im feeling myself again.. all by myself.

where're all my friends? yeah friends i have alot, but have you ever pondered if he/she will think of you in advance when there's something ahead? might be, fine. noone can ever tell of what other's thinking, that's awesome. you never know what's on my mind. or rather what's in my mind. we practise a gap. good. i wonder what you're doing, imagine where you are.. everyone's changing, i havent a clue; am i the same?

we're living together with our family, aren't you? have you ever thought if you guys will still be the same when you grow old? together with them, i am afraid. people never know how crucial it is to treasure the times you have to just be with them, the next thing you know, chances just slipped away..mind you there shall be no regrets in life. sigh.

a part of me wants to grow old. a part of me says no. cuz i still wanna be my papa and mama's baby girl. but there's something that whispers to me ears i'm no longer one. what am i?

i'm a brat who believes in fairy tales.

betcha'd get this post's title wrongly, so dont speculate.

again and again..

cool stuff, i'm still underage.

u think it is? i want to be just right 18. i can do alot of things then...that's aLOT!!! okay let's put that aside, i cant change a thing.. well, im currently having a swimming fever, darn it! let's just say yesterday's dinner, well that was one. i got thrown into the pool!! haha..who cares? i swam in the pool-lah! and now i wish i could have one swimming pool on my side! arghhh that makes me desperate and im lazy and i need aid.

more than that

okiekockie... shall i just strike out the shade i wanted to buy few days ago? cuz i've made up my mind, and i've already bought anotherr shade for myself! haha.. right, screw the staff there, the only shade i wanted to buy is sold out, and this time around i've discovered a better one, and of course more suitable..so i'm just totally satisfied with it.. cant wait to go out now!! haha..just in the mood to go out, wonder why? lol, to try out the shade-lah.. for your information, it's by the same brand too, Elle, more expensive, more reasonable..make sense? no, it doesnt, haha cuz i love it, that's why i am tHiss excited..feel like being on the stage of reincarnation, again..i'm no longer living in someone else's afterglow, but my own shade!! alll right, wanna check out my shade? meet me when i see you, and you will see!! =)

well, im just gonna zip off my wallet? remember what i've mentioned in the last post, i cant control myself, well well welll...i have to..wait a minute though, something might be badgering me mentally that i have to spend thisss much to enjoy my freaking life? okay, there's always the time of the year that we should spend and spend and spend and then use and use and dispose? lol...it's time for me to stop spending.. i guess it's making sense now.. aight seriously, i love all the things i bought within these few days..and should i plan for my lovely's birthday gifts, i would be a total cow now..thank god i worked.

way cool

gosh!

i arrived at klcc yesterday and was supposed to try the pc fair out, guess what, screwed plan. i ended up shopping!! and got myself two things, to be precise; one hairband and one cap from french connection, fcuk. haha, feeling really 'french connection'-ed up now.. lol if you know what i mean, despite the money-dishing-out.

all right, it's time for a self-actualization. im finding myself hard to please recently, and i know it's always there but the thing is no one has actually flooded those words straight to my face before, not even now. i realised it myself, you see. and thinking back, i guess people around me have actually hinted me this too; hard to please, as in wanting to have more or too high an expectation. whenever i am to think of all of these, the pessimitism will just get rid of me, for that matter. okay, i reckon everyone is familiar with Shakespeare already, just out of somewhere in mind, i have these, As You Like It,

all the world's a stage,
and all the men and women merely players,
they have their exits and their entrances,
and one man in his time plays many parts.

i've always known this well but just a few days back i came across these lines again, it got me thinking back the ol' times.. i guess i have encountered this only when i joined a workshop - when i was young, alright, younger.. really admire Shakespeare how he could have this sorta view towards, life? and somewhere in Macbeth, did he mean life's actually boring? or perhaps he had already forgotten the brevity of life, or something similar. who knows eh? fine, why do i admire him? you dont agree with me because you're feeling exactly how he used to be? well, stay put..cuz i have my own explanations. He didnt recall all the good times that he had had with the close ones when he was feeling both down and hopeless? in life, we tend to forget about the little excitement when we're extremely broken; all the negative things will just gush in, without approval. how do we not have a good control of that? why didnt God give us this humanity, of knowing what is right and DO what's right. we're keen on falling apart, it seems.

i am, indeed. it's hard to control myself.

coping with that, we have to grab hold the what we call, the little enlightenment, from Him. after all the pot of gold is from the same knothole. He would be more than willing to help us i believe. God is kind and fair, in a rationalist's mind. what about me? funny.

i will never forget about the list of things that i want. next up is my shade. (damn, i know pc fair has got cheap mp3 from LG, but outta stock!! good gracious! why did my friend tell me this??!)

i should give myself a treat.

such a shame

i have no anger but to have this stupidest thing posted here.. you might wanna check it out, i have got nothing else more to elaborate but this, all right, do click here to navigate.

i guess no other hot celebrities, including the male factor, would wanna stop by anymore, cuz they're not supposed to wear what they're comfortable in? yes you might think that it's one of their ways to get the sales moving but it does no harm to anyone i believe. so you think they're wearing skimpy clothes or rather too revealing, then why dont the ministry just instil another tudung-rule for even the non-muslims? well, totally no offense and neither am i against anyone here. just sorta furious at the moment, i mean, hey, what ridiculous statement? and the point is this, it's categorised as the s.t.r.a.n.g.e. news. go figure.

woohoo! teh-lented!

desperate

there are just tooo many things that i want..and i need 'em..haha..i can be dead broke if i really am to spend on them now.. haha..at least day by day..lol..let me just roughly list them out..actually it's a reminder for myself..so i wont leave out anything in my list..heek!

1. get a new mobile clamshell phone from sony ericsson, w710i/z710i
2. a shade from Elle, model E18825 -reddish; maroon-
3. an mp3 player
4. new pair of sneakers, nike or skechers
5. edgy velvet cap
6. necklace - rutilated quartz to match my bangles

all right, think i'd better stop listing out..else u'd think im goin insane..somebody please grill with me..haha and i dont wanna be scrwd.

aiyo, you might be thinking, wht sort of person i am, a materialistic bimboperhaps? haha..im NOT! just that i need a new handphone so that i can have better time texting my dearest ones and one other crucial thing, mp3! ..a new shade, cuz the old one is broken and i'll need it when i'm driving on road..haha..although i havent gotten my license yet, but very soon! hehe..mp3 player..cuz i desperately need it, my motto: no music, no life!!...and have been longing for one, cuz im just not gonna spend on an ipod? at least not now..still a student, not getting from papa, what do you expect? well, what else.. owh sneakers.. okay to come clean, i have 2 nike-s..but they're like worn off alrdy wey..alright so to just get one, but this is not that important in my list..hehe..okay here it comes..my velvet cap..sigh, how pathetic, havent really come across any that really catches my eyes..so..have to wait..hehehe..and now it's the necklace, despite having one bangles which actually aspires me to wear everyday..haha..guess i'll just need one necklace, so that i can wear everyday, on any occasions..well guess im tired of changing..and i should settle down on ONE particular thing..lol..just some kinda accesorrieess..dont think over the bound! haha..all right..

sway me now!!!

wow.. jd fortune is one hawt hunk!im so obsessed with him..well, with his dirty looks hha..it aint not pretty baby..oh shit man, he's coming to town aiks..i cant even watch him live cuz i have stuff bugging me on tht damn day..well just as i should give it a try of thumbing my freaking way there..haha..wonder wht's gonna happen? is everyone okay with that? lolz, i wont be o-phucking-kay then..and im missing out a load of nice meetings..phuck it. i want to go shopping!!! anyone out there who is willing to bring this abandoned kid out just yet? argh. please say yes, i want to go klcc...out of a sudden..you know something? there's this pc fair coming up, i might not have anything to do there, just feel like goin? just feel like getting out of my world..

okok, you know what conscience really is? do you think it is the same for everyone? haha, i define it for my own sake. damn, it can be varied and is determined by the environment the individual grows up in, therefore sometimes acting rather unscrupulously, me. but i reckon they do have a distinct conscience somewhere, deep down. as for myself, it's innate. hehe sometimes you'd think im of no sense, but that doesnt mean i dont think, i only choose not to use it. well papa says acting foolish at times are pleasant and smart act. so basically this is my world. i dont just act foolishly, im senseless freak. shudders.