worth savin me..

plenty of photo frames abandoned. well, not exactly, there're just right there, in front of my macabre outlined eyes, with the carved-out decoration, like, a gal strutting her assets, the heaven sent innocent gal tryin to do some farming or even the simplest macked out woody ones..what a thing to say, they are just deserted as though they're meant to be. the existence is there but how well can a man misuse it and just shrug it off. just like a peanut. it is absurd.

nothing will be the same ever again, no matter how hard i try, gone are the days with honeyed memories, left are the fake hypocritical faces trying to be the same candy. or is it a rivalry, to be frank? i feel like chucking the faces into the nearest garbage around where noone else could catch me littering it. lol.

as days go by, even the most sophisticated philistines would be on tenterhooks. the practice gives us a moral value to be absorbed; never dwell too much of passion into some things. i know it will hurt really bad before it gets better. i am fooled. at this moment now, anyone'd like to punk me? please do.

no matter how hard i try, i can't love you anymore.

Dilemma

its freaking hard to do this, knowing its not right to drag but still, i have to. i gotta work out a good way to face this lil bug, pleaz, leave me alone. i have thought of ways to make it easy for everyone, generally, but people tend not to appreciate that. say what, Karma, im afraid of that truly. right, i hope i'd feel less remorse of a kind when i do step out wrongly in any ways. well, no regrets in life, remember it always carm!!

or rather, i should throw myself in the crowd, see if there are people who'd have their hands up to keep me in the air, that'd be way cool, like how Brendon Urie'd most probably do when he gets too lethargic of the camisado-hitz and thought of having everyone screaming at him, keeping him soaring high instead and getting carried away with him could jab a fascinating touch to that performance, ouchh!!! i wouldnt have a slight chance to! neither will i jump off frm the stage. lol.

im getting a lil' demented at the very moment, if you'd excuse me!

not forgettin' GN'R

they will never be forgotten. after all the drudgery that they have been through, they certainly deserve such grand tribute, from the deepest core of the heart. Welcome back! this time around, with Chinese Democracy. well, it's been a long time since they have released an album of new material (a profound intrusion having Slash gone!! sigh!). yes, im talking about Guns N Roses! nonetheless, Use Your Illusion I will still be the best album of theirs, i reckon. hehe cuz it simply has my favourite songs in it. *chuckles*

***

November Rain
performed by GnR

When I look into your eyes
I can see a love restrained
But darlin' when I hold you
Don't you know I feel the same

nothin' lasts forever
And we both know hearts can change
And it's hard to hold a candle
In the cold November rain

We've been through this such a long long time
Just tryin' to kill the pain
But lovers always come and lovers always go
An no one's really sure who's lettin' go today
Walking away

If we could take the time to lay it on the line
I could rest my head just knowin' that you were mine, all mine

So if you want to love me
then darlin' don't refrain
Or I'll just end up walkin'
In the cold November rain

Do you need some time on your own
Do you need some time all alone
Everybody needs some time on their own
Don't you know you need some time all alone

I know it's hard to keep an open heart
When even friends seem out to harm you
But if you could heal a broken heart
Wouldn't time be out to charm you?

Sometimes I need some time on my own
Sometimes I need some time all alone
Everybody needs some time on their own
Don't you know you need some time all alone

And when your fears subside
And shadows still remain
I know that you can love me
When there's no one left to blame
So never mind the darkness
We still can find a way

'Cause nothin' lasts forever
Even cold November rain
Don't ya think that you need somebody
Don't ya think that you need someone
Everybody needs somebody
You're not the only one
You're not the only one

Blue October hates me.

perhaps one day when i can move along, i will wake up.

just feel like screaming my bloody lungs out, it's been inside of me for a long period of time already but i havent really gushed it out to you, somehow, ultimately i would. why cant anyone hear me when im calling out for them? as i've always said, the world's never been good to me, or rather i didnt very much appreciate em, but still, i will not have regrets. well, what's more to say then, good things never really give way to people like me.

i might have too high of an expectation but its how you perceive such things in your way, well perhaps, perhaps i should look at it in a different perspective, is it time to have a change, dear?

and hell no, i will never degrade it. like, why say 'pink' when you can say 'fuschia'?

do i have to do the same damn thing over and over again? im angry and i find it dramatically unfair. there are things i really dont feel like doing but i cant speak up cuz it will only do me no good, if not harm. at times, i cannot stand the way it is that is happening around me, or perhaps im selfish myself, i just cant get over some things i am particular with. all right, i'll need some time for that. excuse me.

and another thing is that im blogging all these what seems like a vain effort, hoping something would actually favour this hooligan. laugh with it and to say goodbye to my october. yes its mine, mind you. So long, not good night.

This Can't Die

we have unfinished business!!

the world is so beautiful, but i didnt know. i let go a lot of pleasant things in life. i only got to realize it when i cry though, that'd be far too late for me then. perhaps you might gonna have to tell me that's when i should be smiling. but that's not it. =)

i flaunt my intelligence the other way that i find it ludicrous at times. you have already known it if you knew me well enough, therefore nevermind the questions. so there you assume! however it is, to somebody i have no wit but its okay, they're just shallow. i dont have to prove to them how i hold an absurd grief to the things they do.

whee! im alive! Buon Giorno, Principessa Carmen! (aww, im honoured! =p)

Am rather anxious about the future. i dont quite like the way it is now, because apart from studying the textbooks or scamming through the fake facts about the immature game my country's Prime Minister, Datuk Seri Abdullah Ahmad Badawi (Pak Lah, lol) and the former PM, Tun Mahathir are playing, i am still awaiting to reach a certain stage whereby i am totally vindicated from the upset surroundings. and yicks, the Light Rapid Transit (LRT) in Malaysia actually dangled in the air (how long did it go eh?). for god's sake, screw the constructions.

what a shame-lah, ouchh!!

except a Rado.

there're more of me that you haven't seen.

they think they know me. they think they're very close to me. how could they ever tell, i'm just a person with a name. i guess i gotta chuckle to myself, even next to me is an invisible man. when i try to reach out for you, do you think you'll be able to make it there for me. jeez, everyone tends to get hooked up with our haughty eccentric, like, i have never said i adore-something. people, they have me as a topic in between their conversations, as if i haven't a clue. im upset. they never ask. they have preconceived idea, of me. they dont do it based on sufficient knowledge about me. it is not fair. at all. to me.

but i dont speak up. b.l.a.m.e myself.

on account that you might get carried away when you talk, it's better if you just shuddap! dont speak my language, i dont very much like it. i have been trying to fill up my days with the good memories we once shared; the good ones, stay forever. how many times can i pretend though? i will be tired, if i see no appreciation. hey i dont give n give, without having a slight chance to take at all.. im not as generous as you think, if you presumee! sigh, its an imbalance of justice.

why do i have things to do with injustice, all the time, why? if you find guilt from this writing, its better if you do.

holy crap.

what do i do now? there are good evidences why i am given a fine name, you just havent; ya have to look one for yourself, cheap hypocrite! take that!!


get it? im traiiiing to be generous.

Kiss from a Villain

such a massive repulsion is conjuring up inside.. i feel so disgusted. i dont feel like talking to anyone else right now. not even myself. the only thing to do is to blast out loud music , well, rock ballads. its still peculiar, cuz i aint supposed to listen to any ballads for the moment, well maybe something to do with angst or hysteria..suits me more? argh! but im no angry, neither am i emotional.

*some days i feel like shit. i wanna quit. n' be normal for a bit.*

do i have to smile before i laugh? do i have to leap before i jump? do i have to swim before i drown? all these questions are meant not for scamps but could i fortify more of those, so i would be one sinner? hope not.

i doubt if everything i do is right. it just looks so wrong. i dont wanna do this no more. and to hell with it, no regrets in life? funny...not!! how could we? unless we're born not with the dream n the fickle mind to be more motivated. and to struggle, damnnit!! if someone is all under estimated, now you tell me? cuz i feel like a cow now, with nothing.

***

enough of those. im actually fine cuz i know nothing's gonna be all right, even if i sit through with my inevitable agony. and yes carm, live with it! i dont need nobody to sympathise, i can handle it myself. life is ours and we do it our way! who else to blame, eh?

join me my Black Parade!!!

Rue 'n Due

despite being ignorant, i am blissful. because. ignorance. is. bliss.

i faked it.

so much for being 18.

life's such a hurly-burly FM that i dread to stay. what's the worst that i can say? it is not about what i dislike or how unfairly God's been treating me, anyhow, i do not need a reason to be angry with god. i have been so gleefully enjoying my everyday's mainly-routine but somehow something's gotta give.

xxx

few days back, i celebrated my 18th birthday. it was fine. i never expected my thoughtful classmates to have bought me a cake from CoffeeBean; tiffany sweetheart, that is. i really liked the picture of they getting it for me. it was really sweet of them. to be real, never judge a book by its cover, haha cuz it didnt really taste as good. later, i got another icecream-cake from Baker'sCottage by my beloved pals, to my big surprise, it turned out to be freaking temptatious, even better than the CoffeeBean's..haha guess we shall only grab cheesecakes from CoffeeBean, the other normal butter or creamcakes, well, leave that to SecretRecipe, still. lol.

right here, i shall blow a thank-you smooch to the ones who have gotten me the birthday wishes and gifts. i do appreciate them. it's times like this that i can truly see a heart. so long and be good.

i call th(e)s(e)...HOT!

i cant get enough of them boys!!! OhMyGawd. their album is worth so much for a Bailey's chocolate milk!


and owh, i want Baileys for my birthday!!! hahaha...its a joke. not!
very funny, its just a yawp to constantly remind myself of the red wines (duh!) we have in the freaking fridge, screw it! ahh...everyone's drinking Baileys.. lol

chilis, yeah!

show you chilis.. lol

nails for breakfast, tacks for snacks

panic! at the disco.

excitement!

lol...reading back the previous post, i'd feel im childish myself..now you know, people really do gain from experiences..and that we're back to good terms again..guess a tiny thing like that can never break the crucial relationship, i'd say. *appreciate that*

wow..life is so much happier now..

i baked a Tiramisu Cheesecake yesterday!!! oh.my.gawd. i cannot believe it, and when it's right time to be served, i was like sitting there, fishing for their opinions (read, criticism lol)cuz they're very particular in cakes..hehe and out of my surprise, it turned out to be good. the feedback is cool, and im contented. The cakes, they'll build the anticipation outta me, before i start off with my own business! hehe. (credits to lilian XD)

i was in high spirits last night. someone even suggests that i get an mp3 to recover my insanity, lol. this person should be spanked, thoroughly. haha..

get a life

you literally want the whole world to know im at fault. heck.
i do not need a freaking generosity from you.
you never are appreciative with you friends.
have you ever wondered how you treat your 'so-called' close friends?
nobody cares to come clean.
carry on with you comparisons.
at least someone has had enough.
have you ever respected me as a friend?
heck knows.
not to mention a close one.
please examine yourself before you slip your mouth.
you win it all in spite of your petiteness.
compassions in my nature,
and tonight is our last stand.

the carmenology..cool eh

Ten Top Trivia Tips about Carmen!

1. If you toss carmen 10000 times, she will not land heads 5000 times, but more like 4950, because her head weighs more and thus ends up on the bottom!
2. India tested its first nuclear carmen in 1974.
3. People used to believe that dressing their male children as carmen would protect them from evil spirits.
4. Carmen is 1500 years older than the pyramids.
5. Ancient Greeks believed earthquakes were caused by carmen fighting underground.
6. Owls cannot move their eyes, because their eyeballs are shaped like carmen.
7. When carmen is swallowed, she will enter the blood stream within twenty minutes.
8. Ninety-six percent of all candles sold are purchased by carmen!
9. Carnivorous animals will not eat another animal that has been hit by carmen!
10. New Zealand was the first place to allow carmen to vote.

you will be sorry.

spa

bumped into an mp3 yesterday, i so longed to have it. guess what, (what-lah) i didnt buy any. damn this is because i've promised myself not to overspend this month, and if you've always followed up what in the world's happening to me and what on earth i have been doing, you'd know or rather, think i'm an excessive spender. in fact, well, i'd say, perhaps. lol.

all right mp3s aside, i'm getting one anyway, maybe next year and most probably next year. i need to save up for now. well, you know something, i enjoyed myself to the bits today; went to Bjorn, to get myself a spa treatment. with fam, who else. okiedokiez, i had to strip naked man..imagine all over my body, with only a 79.88889% transparent plastic panty on and oh not really, that was a G-string, damn! and...my whole body, from head to toe, was touched by HER fingertips. lucky thing that came from a gal. i think the whole treatment thingy was an aromatherapy body massaging, therefore dozing-off is off the rack. she's cool. though i didnt know what actually made me trust her; her handssss ON my....lol..leave that to you.well well welll, i guess i shan't elaborate more on the process of it despite it being you-know-what, hehe. then again, you should really experience it yourself, i highly recommend it cuz you will really feel the difference!! especially when you're struggling through this damn tertiary education. just give it a try man, it does no harm but beneficial, trust me.

xx

here comes my first sigh for today. lol, not really. hehe. well, god treats me fairly, for real: my normally-only-pays-visit-once-a-month-chum-who-strives-hard-to-follow-the-2months-ghost-festival-trend (hold, while i take a deep breath, lol) acquaintance, has managed to fulfil his dream. argh, thanks for this second stopover. if you know what i mean.

feathers

what's the point of living? why are you here when you have better things to do? are you aware of what's gonna happen next? on you? on others? your friends? and your family? all right, no intentions to make you wonder..

it's my time again, im feeling myself again.. all by myself.

where're all my friends? yeah friends i have alot, but have you ever pondered if he/she will think of you in advance when there's something ahead? might be, fine. noone can ever tell of what other's thinking, that's awesome. you never know what's on my mind. or rather what's in my mind. we practise a gap. good. i wonder what you're doing, imagine where you are.. everyone's changing, i havent a clue; am i the same?

we're living together with our family, aren't you? have you ever thought if you guys will still be the same when you grow old? together with them, i am afraid. people never know how crucial it is to treasure the times you have to just be with them, the next thing you know, chances just slipped away..mind you there shall be no regrets in life. sigh.

a part of me wants to grow old. a part of me says no. cuz i still wanna be my papa and mama's baby girl. but there's something that whispers to me ears i'm no longer one. what am i?

i'm a brat who believes in fairy tales.

betcha'd get this post's title wrongly, so dont speculate.

again and again..

cool stuff, i'm still underage.

u think it is? i want to be just right 18. i can do alot of things then...that's aLOT!!! okay let's put that aside, i cant change a thing.. well, im currently having a swimming fever, darn it! let's just say yesterday's dinner, well that was one. i got thrown into the pool!! haha..who cares? i swam in the pool-lah! and now i wish i could have one swimming pool on my side! arghhh that makes me desperate and im lazy and i need aid.

more than that

okiekockie... shall i just strike out the shade i wanted to buy few days ago? cuz i've made up my mind, and i've already bought anotherr shade for myself! haha.. right, screw the staff there, the only shade i wanted to buy is sold out, and this time around i've discovered a better one, and of course more suitable..so i'm just totally satisfied with it.. cant wait to go out now!! haha..just in the mood to go out, wonder why? lol, to try out the shade-lah.. for your information, it's by the same brand too, Elle, more expensive, more reasonable..make sense? no, it doesnt, haha cuz i love it, that's why i am tHiss excited..feel like being on the stage of reincarnation, again..i'm no longer living in someone else's afterglow, but my own shade!! alll right, wanna check out my shade? meet me when i see you, and you will see!! =)

well, im just gonna zip off my wallet? remember what i've mentioned in the last post, i cant control myself, well well welll...i have to..wait a minute though, something might be badgering me mentally that i have to spend thisss much to enjoy my freaking life? okay, there's always the time of the year that we should spend and spend and spend and then use and use and dispose? lol...it's time for me to stop spending.. i guess it's making sense now.. aight seriously, i love all the things i bought within these few days..and should i plan for my lovely's birthday gifts, i would be a total cow now..thank god i worked.

way cool

gosh!

i arrived at klcc yesterday and was supposed to try the pc fair out, guess what, screwed plan. i ended up shopping!! and got myself two things, to be precise; one hairband and one cap from french connection, fcuk. haha, feeling really 'french connection'-ed up now.. lol if you know what i mean, despite the money-dishing-out.

all right, it's time for a self-actualization. im finding myself hard to please recently, and i know it's always there but the thing is no one has actually flooded those words straight to my face before, not even now. i realised it myself, you see. and thinking back, i guess people around me have actually hinted me this too; hard to please, as in wanting to have more or too high an expectation. whenever i am to think of all of these, the pessimitism will just get rid of me, for that matter. okay, i reckon everyone is familiar with Shakespeare already, just out of somewhere in mind, i have these, As You Like It,

all the world's a stage,
and all the men and women merely players,
they have their exits and their entrances,
and one man in his time plays many parts.

i've always known this well but just a few days back i came across these lines again, it got me thinking back the ol' times.. i guess i have encountered this only when i joined a workshop - when i was young, alright, younger.. really admire Shakespeare how he could have this sorta view towards, life? and somewhere in Macbeth, did he mean life's actually boring? or perhaps he had already forgotten the brevity of life, or something similar. who knows eh? fine, why do i admire him? you dont agree with me because you're feeling exactly how he used to be? well, stay put..cuz i have my own explanations. He didnt recall all the good times that he had had with the close ones when he was feeling both down and hopeless? in life, we tend to forget about the little excitement when we're extremely broken; all the negative things will just gush in, without approval. how do we not have a good control of that? why didnt God give us this humanity, of knowing what is right and DO what's right. we're keen on falling apart, it seems.

i am, indeed. it's hard to control myself.

coping with that, we have to grab hold the what we call, the little enlightenment, from Him. after all the pot of gold is from the same knothole. He would be more than willing to help us i believe. God is kind and fair, in a rationalist's mind. what about me? funny.

i will never forget about the list of things that i want. next up is my shade. (damn, i know pc fair has got cheap mp3 from LG, but outta stock!! good gracious! why did my friend tell me this??!)

i should give myself a treat.

such a shame

i have no anger but to have this stupidest thing posted here.. you might wanna check it out, i have got nothing else more to elaborate but this, all right, do click here to navigate.

i guess no other hot celebrities, including the male factor, would wanna stop by anymore, cuz they're not supposed to wear what they're comfortable in? yes you might think that it's one of their ways to get the sales moving but it does no harm to anyone i believe. so you think they're wearing skimpy clothes or rather too revealing, then why dont the ministry just instil another tudung-rule for even the non-muslims? well, totally no offense and neither am i against anyone here. just sorta furious at the moment, i mean, hey, what ridiculous statement? and the point is this, it's categorised as the s.t.r.a.n.g.e. news. go figure.

woohoo! teh-lented!

desperate

there are just tooo many things that i want..and i need 'em..haha..i can be dead broke if i really am to spend on them now.. haha..at least day by day..lol..let me just roughly list them out..actually it's a reminder for myself..so i wont leave out anything in my list..heek!

1. get a new mobile clamshell phone from sony ericsson, w710i/z710i
2. a shade from Elle, model E18825 -reddish; maroon-
3. an mp3 player
4. new pair of sneakers, nike or skechers
5. edgy velvet cap
6. necklace - rutilated quartz to match my bangles

all right, think i'd better stop listing out..else u'd think im goin insane..somebody please grill with me..haha and i dont wanna be scrwd.

aiyo, you might be thinking, wht sort of person i am, a materialistic bimboperhaps? haha..im NOT! just that i need a new handphone so that i can have better time texting my dearest ones and one other crucial thing, mp3! ..a new shade, cuz the old one is broken and i'll need it when i'm driving on road..haha..although i havent gotten my license yet, but very soon! hehe..mp3 player..cuz i desperately need it, my motto: no music, no life!!...and have been longing for one, cuz im just not gonna spend on an ipod? at least not now..still a student, not getting from papa, what do you expect? well, what else.. owh sneakers.. okay to come clean, i have 2 nike-s..but they're like worn off alrdy wey..alright so to just get one, but this is not that important in my list..hehe..okay here it comes..my velvet cap..sigh, how pathetic, havent really come across any that really catches my eyes..so..have to wait..hehehe..and now it's the necklace, despite having one bangles which actually aspires me to wear everyday..haha..guess i'll just need one necklace, so that i can wear everyday, on any occasions..well guess im tired of changing..and i should settle down on ONE particular thing..lol..just some kinda accesorrieess..dont think over the bound! haha..all right..

sway me now!!!

wow.. jd fortune is one hawt hunk!im so obsessed with him..well, with his dirty looks hha..it aint not pretty baby..oh shit man, he's coming to town aiks..i cant even watch him live cuz i have stuff bugging me on tht damn day..well just as i should give it a try of thumbing my freaking way there..haha..wonder wht's gonna happen? is everyone okay with that? lolz, i wont be o-phucking-kay then..and im missing out a load of nice meetings..phuck it. i want to go shopping!!! anyone out there who is willing to bring this abandoned kid out just yet? argh. please say yes, i want to go klcc...out of a sudden..you know something? there's this pc fair coming up, i might not have anything to do there, just feel like goin? just feel like getting out of my world..

okok, you know what conscience really is? do you think it is the same for everyone? haha, i define it for my own sake. damn, it can be varied and is determined by the environment the individual grows up in, therefore sometimes acting rather unscrupulously, me. but i reckon they do have a distinct conscience somewhere, deep down. as for myself, it's innate. hehe sometimes you'd think im of no sense, but that doesnt mean i dont think, i only choose not to use it. well papa says acting foolish at times are pleasant and smart act. so basically this is my world. i dont just act foolishly, im senseless freak. shudders.

stand still, look prettay

should be a great week for me. perhaps it is. indeed. i kinda felt it few days ago, but you know, im sorta emotional or rather, sentimental..so i cant help but feeling subsided. now that i recall, a lot of good things did happen on me. ha, how implausible a chuckle. well, how should i mention.. i was announced and crowned the president of the financial club in my school. i should be so lucky, cuz being a transfer-student, what can i expect more, right? and then, on the same day, i was gifted a silver key to the pussycat doll's world tour with some idiotics (lol..u guys wont mind, will ya? lol), didnt really know what sorta wolrd tour, 2006 world tour? happy tour? lol, whatsoever the good names you would wanna call this tour to be, i felt awesome once i got there, you know the ambience and the people over there were just astonishing! they're all crazy head! well, anticipated from the fans of the sweetie babes. to come clean though, im not really into the PCD, well, no offence, i know you're understanding..i went there just to have my body standing on the sands rather than the soul, then again, that was what i thought i'd be. despite the fact that once the dolls showed up, i was lighten up. forgetting reshmonu, im sorry cuz this is the second damn time watching his performance; first was when r&b queen, alicia keys came along.. i dont wanna mention this but he is really a turn-off. i must admit. well, back to the dollies, i guess i can only remember one of the bandmates' name, nicole schweizger..lol..something like that..am not really sure of the fam's name..lol. all right, she's damn catchy, and amazing voice..cool! and she's da bomb!

okie dokie, here i go again, been to another concert, this time around was with family..so expected to be a soothing one eh..duh~ emil chau and victor wong..maybe i should reveal a little, emil gave me a peck on the cheek when i was young, ah 5 or 6? heek, i was too adorable..lol this concert brought me nostalgia and reminiscence. i have nothing more to elaborate on, though.. alright, put it this way, mom was excited.. and real turned on with emil's cordial voice..hehe that's about it..well the firecrackers were brought out enormously.. i stood still watching, like jaws opened..lol..blush wey..

for now, im lazy hehe..if you'd excuse me, stay tuned.
to be c'tnd.
or not. =p

Where's my cashload??

early in the morning, i heard some shouts from down..so i tried eavesdropping, Not to my surprise though, it was a smaaall fight between my lil bro and my dad, sigh my brotha is still behaving like a small kiddo man, wondering when he would transform himself into a better person..well or rather be good. i've talked to him nth times about how he shouldnt do this or that, though it was to no avail, oh so blatant..like im obsessed with pestering him..oh so not true..just when i was about to check out my wallet to reach out a few dollars to spare, i find myself running outta cash..gawd, i've not been spending and where the heck the money has gone?? well, i think i'm quite thrifty at times, that says i would have money in my purse. heck! u heard it, at times...hehehhe..oh my gawddd..i cant imagine myself without money..how am i gonna survive..i dont feel like goin to the atm machine n bla bla..get it from dad? this is so not gonna happen!! o'dear, the last choice is still dishing it out from the freaking atm machine..there's this school function at another school tonight, guess i have to at least spare myself some time, so to speak. dressing up nicely? haha, you will see!! well im not gonna bring my cam though, after all the incidents, i lost my confidence..haha..dont think i can bear the post-mortem..lol funny cuz i cant picture when the snatch thief just grab it like that..phewww!!! and then i'm so gonna be screwed!! intellectually analysed, conclusion is still not bringing the cam! lol.

gawd, im so wanting in ca$h at the moment..show me miracle baby!!(like it's gonna happen)

Personality Type

Your #1 Match: INFP

The Idealist You are creative with a great imagination, living in your own inner world.Open minded and accepting, you strive for harmony in your important relationships.It takes a long time for people to get to know you. You are hesitant to let people get close. But once you care for someone, you do everything you can to help them grow and develop. You would make an excellent writer, psychologist, or artist.

What's" Your Personality Type?

I

oh my..seeems like ant has misunderstood me but it's all right..least i know there are actually someone who cares...right..nothing much happened today..pretty much the same ole routine..nothing to be pissed of and yet nothing to be happy about..just a day, there it goes. fine, you wouldnt know what im hoping for; im actually expecting a blessing in disguise..hahaha..sounds funny but realistic indeed. i guess for me, that's gotta be a one-eighty turning point, well then only it can be categorised as amazing.. what's the time now babe, okay it's night-time, but i havent had my hands on my homework, ever since i reached home. books still remain virgin, untouched. somehow gotta go check 'em out later..just spare me some time man, procrastination has gotten under my skin..

I

the same ole feelings gets in the way again.. can i not get over it? why must you make it so difficult for me? like my life isnt hard enough to hold on to..i dont intend to complain about life, perhaps i would never feel like it but i just cannot be like one simple-minded person; accept everything that comes. i would try, not in an instant though. what does the future hold for me? noone ever has the answer, right so im just crapping now..i dread to complete my tasks..its like i have lost interests in almost all of the things..apart from eating..though i have to watch my weight. you see i just cant let myself out, completely.. whatever i do, it'll just stuck halfway, that's it. my life could be a hassle, but i dont want it to be. i want to enjoy my life but nothing pops out. i have run outta idea of what to do to make my life more worthwhile, you know some might be asking why must i be so angry with who i am today. let me just come clean, i do not have a reason to be angry with God, cuz i have not done anything that is worth debating, yet. have i turned into one adult now? do i play the same part? did everyone of them go through the same thing? i know i should be happy with what i have now, i do appreciate 'em. people say tomorrow will be a better day, by all means today's a good day. i know i can make it, just hoping i could find better days..

I

i know i should not be thinking - the negative side of the world, but that it just plunges into my freaking mind. i have heck no control of it. totally. one point, i dont know what i want in life though sometimes asking too much or rather, hoping too much...and speculate too much, like you said to me before..man i really miss those days when i was still a naive young kiddo...to some people, carmen is still am, but have u ever known she's collapsed long since? it has got nothing to do with anyone or anything, but this girl just wants to wonder.. perhaps thinking too much.. and that says life is too unfair..or to make it fair, she will never be satisfied. in dilemma.

i've stepped out in a wrong way, perhaps to some its not but living in a materialistic world, or whatever you call it pragmatic world, you can never live with only one track mind..there are pros and cons anyway..so i guess i've done wrong..i can not even forgive myself.. i feel like walking away from it but so far as i know, im just so not happy with this mistake. religion taught us to accept things and not to be angry with things that have happened, i guess i agree with that, partly..im learning my dear.. hopefully i could turn out to be someone like that, well then what noble person i am..

i think..

will i sink or swim?

Break the Wall

perhaps it's really time to focus on something. something specific. i just realised that we can really not do two things at one period perfectly. you gotta sacrifice something, babe. i dont know what the heck is moving in my head now but one thing though, i'm not very happy. life is treating me so unfairly. things that i always opt for, never come to me. when i turn around to laugh at it, it's coming. gawd, by the time it's there for me, my passion for it has already gone. somehow, knowing myself, i would grab it without hesitating. and later when time comes, just when i'm reluctant to let it be gone, i'll be regretful. what a...woman!! i'm just such person, i aint sceptical but you know, not having anything that you want, if not need, is something really pissful..right, self-invented word, i guess?

i have a new dream. and im going for it, right, not revealing! babiez, im back on track! everyone is forgiven now! i wonder who's done wrong so far though, to me, heek... am i forgiven? aww..

Distress not

and now i wonder if we should take everything that seriously, to the extent where we take that as a responsibility and we dont even have a slight idea when we will carry it till, it's sorta strenuous to me and on top of that quite vague too. it's amusing (right) , things seem to happen so unpredictably. what more could we ask for? of a life, so erratic. and in occasions, life is too fair it seems. when we're having the time of our lives, it surely takes something away from us; every new beginning is some beginning's end, same token. more or less. consequently, i am doubtful over every little sweet things that happens, at one moment i could be enjoying excessively, the next thing you know, something has just screwed up. is this what we live for? fact says human is not perfect, i personally think life is not perfect too, it wont be. right, they wont be, indeed.

as for me, speculation is always the best friend of mine. you could also assume i'm a little psychic but in an opposite way. therefore i dare not think of all the good and blissful things that'd happen on me, though i always hope they will. what pathetic! hah, every so often i choose not to think. isnt it the best solution to not let myself feel distress?

life goes on, people!

Hidden Love

Finally found the answer to my one question..
Love is just next to me, indeed. i feel it up inside.

Blessed with Love, once again.


With Love, Life is so wonderful. Cheers. =p

Where's the Love? (All by Myself)

i wish i could turn back time.

this is one thing i would really love to do, at the moment. then again, i dont wanna walk through the same phase over again. it's sickening. all this while no matter what i do, it's somehow wrong to at least one party. until i got to know myself better when i encounter something innate myself. its always all by myself. when i reach out for someone, think myself. that's the answer i always get. am i living myself, today?

i hate myself for being emotional. i know i shouldnt. cuz its really something tiny. what am i.. every steps that i take could be a biggest mistake..i'm tired of all these freaking shit!!! i wanna breathe!!

i'm profoundly depressed. i miss everything.. i dont wanna stand on my own. i dont want.. i dont wanna act like a kid..and i'm not! i'm crazy, i should have done something more meaningful than this... i'm still a kid. that's right.

without love, what is life?

Ditto

what ludicrous emotional feelings- first day of May, i wanted to cry. and the same thing occured to me that i am one brat. come to think of it though, i couldnt recall the sad things that i've gone through throughout this whole damn month, ya right i had been working, or rather, have been working. its ending soon, well, i might be demanded under a few circumstances. fine, it could be that the first and last day of the month of May, are my emotional days. is it worth all the tears? for only 2 days? not.

i guess i have never been at this situation right now, im totally out of my mind. im so useless, everything is out of my hand; out of my control. when i try to reach out for something, its always not there.. i've gone through all these before, it actually hits me deep now. in the middle of the nights, i express myself. it's somewhat a time when noone really knows what im doing, most of the time, i think back all of the things that i've done on that particular day and so i cry for the sorrow. and the regret. it's time for myself. it's no more a time for the bribery. like i've done one before. no more time in heaven. a borrowed heaven.

let it out. accept it, dont let it turn the screw.

Tonight, I wanna cry.

Keith Urban has one song by the title of this. credits to jet. i love the song and im definitely feeling it. on occasions i dont even know if the things i've done all along is wrong or right. about the things that i've gone through, it might even sound childish to you but to me it's the walk of life, i take it as i'm growing up and im handling things in an independent way instead. so basically different people has different perspectives.

i have a close friend, i bet she doesnt want the name to be mentioned down here, knowing the person she is. she's afraid of getting old, as in the way we see things will change in the long run. we no longer laugh over the stupidest joke, but to me, the moment the clock is ticking, somehow there will be something that is changing inside of us- the heart. what if there was no time, we wouldnt know what's wrong to our seniors, wondering why their hair drops day by day or turn goldishly white someday when we wake up to the new day, not knowing how old we are too. like, the creatures wouldnt know what's the day today, or perhaps they have their own way of looking for the answers to these dumb questions.

i dont know what the future holds for me, it's abit of too early for me to see the grey side of the world perhaps. i really wanna know what exactly it is that is on the other side of the world, i have the curiosity to discover it, not to jupiter..venus or anything like that though. i mean, there should be some other places that are not known just yet. how do i get there? well, dont worry peeps, i'm more than rational at the moment, just wondering. ignore me.

the road is long. too long. there must be alot of things ahead awaiting for me, but im afraid i wont have the guts to unscrew the chain. i'm really scared. please give me a hand while i'm walking the line, it's crooked somehow. am i too free to be thinking too much? puzzles are scattered else where, still picking it up and am trying to hunt for the pieces.. what if i cant complete the puzzle? right, i should get some shut eyes now. not really a pleasant Labour day for me though, sigh..

tonight, i wanna cry.

Fire of Anatolia

Previously called the Sultans of the Dance, the Fire of Anatolia is comprised of hundreds of folkdance figures and music from various regions of Turkey. It is a splendid performance that is based on thousands of years of ancient Anatolian mythology and cultural history. Im profoundly impressed to say that I got the golden opportunity to enjoy this energetic and dynamic show. I hope though, i could have another viewing pleasure with my beloved ones. heek, i would wanna feed their eyes with the amount that's gotta do with it from my bank account. we shall see!


Turkey and Malaysia, two nations so close but yet so far. Both nation are thousands of miles apart and yet both have the same believes and cultural values.


Brilliant!

Boredom.

everything remains the same, for now. as bland as usual. i'm still not going anywhere after all the petty mistakes that i've made within theese few months.. perhaps i should call it quit; cant wait for it instead. i dreaded myself to wear a mask each day and crawl to work every single morning. ps: i dont know what i've been doing recently. nothing has changed, nothing needs to be changed anyway. somehow i could see the difference in you, hopefully you would be back again and i'm more than willing to be screwed up, not from anyone else, but you. i love you.

is this drudgery a torture or a signal of happiness?

burden. something's gotta give to make a change.

Life.

if i were to look at life through rose-tinted glass, i'd be hyped up each and every day, aint i? with the interminable rise of pressure, i cant ensure myself to perceive what the so-called education stands for me. everyone has packed their bags and go back to their tertiary education, while i'm working at the moment. from the greenhorn to being someone who is able to help out on events, i feel much appreciated, after all the drudgery. thanks for believing in me all this while, to some people. sigh life, having a wishful thinking and to have one is totally different. those who have are just plain relax. while the latter, could be racking their brains. for now. if you know what i mean. i hope i could put a tinge of colour in everybody else's cheeks by being true to them and they, should know we are all one, no racist; put a smile on your face everyday, it does make a difference. life, i love.

Hey there.

is there anybody out there who miss me? hehe.

perhaps this computer has been suffering for far too long a period and so it yearned to be washed away all the pain somebody has given and so i guess it explains why i am out of this bloggie world for some time.

sometimes i'm just asking too much. i dont know what i'm thinking and i keep having thoughts of getting this and that. i'm sometimes high in demand, sometimes not. this is not what i wanna talk about though, leave it aside. all right, there are just so many things that i want, but looking back, those are just luxuries. i feel bad. i am really sorry. sometimes i buy things that i dont really use, once i bought it, i somehow feel that it's just the fun of spending cash. not too bad though, i'll still find myself using 'em as i planned beforehand. i'm a mixture of a spendthrift and thrifty, oh right, does that mean i measure myself up with that? hell no. ya know, i would spend a lot on food. and especially food. talking about luxury, i'll still eventually find myself loving the something i bought which i thought it was a waste of money-lah. hehe. am i complicated? well, i love new stuffs damn lot. i think the right term to use is i love shopping! hehe, whenever i hear someone's going out to any of the complexes, i'd raise my voice yelling yes! nowadays i dont find myself liking to stay home, heh have to depend on whom i'm going out with of course, heek! goin out with my darling is always something to be cheerful, are you one? ^^

when i spend money, i'll feel guilty. when i save em, i dont know what's the use of it. for future? probably yes, that's just what i'm thinking. but some people just think we should spend everything with the salary, i seriously dont think so. like the future holds nothing for you. then again, we should spend happily cuz we are brought up to live life to its fullest. the minute you spend on branded goods and very expensive gifts, then you're doomed to misread the thing to living life to its foolest! phewit, should we spend or not? but when it comes to a guy who spends on the girlfriend, it's always the better..hehehhe. i love you!

haiyo, i always cant seem to end my blog nicely..hehhe..

Fade to Grey

raining outside steadily, the sky's turning grey today.. does it show a negative sigh for all? who on earth would actually break down to this thought whereby authentically the urge to satisfy their sloth is more in the head..hehe so much for the sleep last night..

looking over the cubicles that's placed in my room, at work, the one who's in fact, hard to fathom and hard to be known at the same time..i wonder in deep thought if he's somehow mad at me cuz i sometimes flash over the problematic calls for him hehhe but well, what can i do about it, and those are the petty mistakes that he made and here's the time for redemption..wheee i'm not that much of a calculative person but this is like a courtesy, isnt it? though some of the uncultured philistines are pretty much too-educated and should be treated in a sarcastic way, i'm still on my way there .....hehe not too much eh?

***
damn, one stuck up customer just called in. i read her the regulations and one of em is that her infant is not advisable to bring in to the icy-rink DOI show(she could neglect the idea as most of em do), she then screwed me in advance saying i'm not professional about how this event is meant for kids, but hello? her case, is an infant..arghh...our company is not even the organiser, let alone me to tell you why..sigh

feel like dozing off any minute now, i hope they wont be any of the sceptical callers from now on..actually i've had next to enough, cuz i'm like downright flooded with the mumblings and scoldings.. i'm just a part-timer man, even the supervisor does not wish to have us carry the burden..but fine, my patience is on the go to the training..thanks for the job and the good pay..teehee..shall i sway to my dreamland?

all right, dont worry babe, i do understand it's not right to shut my eyes while working, hehe..

Anticipation is over me.

scream my lungs out.

right now at the moment, i'm just mingling with the stupid customers who call in on purpose just to get a hell outta me..im like under a district training for my patience man..just could not fathom why they are being so stuck up ya know, we're just doin our job, and that is some sorta operator for the tele sales..nothing more than that..why do they not understand..duhzz~~

owh operator, the line is dead~~wheee?!

i'm feelin great though, today. haha..perhaps it's the anticipation that got me through..and taking about that, spm results are gonna be on board on next monday, officially. i'm damnn tensed!!! i'm just having all these negative thoughts wrapped tight around my body man; can only turn to nowhere. all right, c'est la vie! if i mention it right.

hoping and hoping.

it somehow represents my future, well you might say it's not important, but so far as i'm concern, it does freak me out whenever my mind is engulfed with the devilish monsters.. this can not be true..give me a hand, babe..

all right then, i'll have to make a move from this magical chair now. teehee. good luck, dear!

***
off to work.

wanna be happy

no matter what i've done, i reckon there's actually nothing much i can do now to make it all up. it's not like i've done anything wrong or what, but it might be wrong, under all circumstances i mean..one thing i know though is that we should never be regretful..everything that happens, happens for a reason.. and life goes on..

just had a conversation with vic. he made me realise how life should be and we must be tough to face it. and measure everything by ourselves, i was like, so true. we have to face it our own..because this is my life, i ought to live it the way i want it to, without regrets of course which figuratively means dealing with things in a rational way..

however i did catch a movie with may and jet yesterday..Walk The Line that is.. it is indeed a magnificent movie, unlike some would even call it an insipid one..haha..that movie really got me into it, those things that they were in, made me feel like it shouldn't be this and that..haha..got me heart beating over..somehow i went through a real tiredness after that movie, perhaps i paid a lil too much of concentration..haha and my eyes were hehe..sort of red! cool cool.. 2 grammys at least, good job! woohoo, somehow my movie awaiting list up next would be Casanova! haha..

i live my life. never care what other people say.. i just wanna be happy and i hope sincerely that you do too! peace out! =p

nothing else matters

just because you actually are standing next to the edge of the fire, this does not necessarily make you wrong. it's like whatever i do is wrong to you, you pick up on me this and that, if not everything. i am downright frustrated at times but all i can tell is that i do not have to make any so-called explanations as my words don't affect any other consequences no more. it's sad when someone has soon lost their prerogatives. somehow, i do not always think i'm right all of the time, like you presume foremostly. the urge of reasoning things to you, has soon faded away, as you would also try to think i'm actually making up bulldog stories. on the other hand, i'm also touched that there're actually people out there who have faith in me, all this while. you used to be one of them, so long as i'm aware of. i still bear with the silence that you give me and the coldness.. all the zits of emotions which i do not have to let myself suffer. but i did. and you never cared. what am i supposed to do? anytime from now, i just thought that everything we do, it's for someone else's sake, so there's no right or wrong. or perhaps it's right to be wrong at times, to gain your experiences and stuffs. thanks to God who gets me through all these. it aint over yet. it's growing older and older. i'm like.. suffocated. i wanna get back to school!!

nothing else matters. when you've already given your reasons for whatsoever that you've done, that's it. if that someone refuses to trust you, then just let it be. it's not like the whole world's gonna stop and stare at you if you never got the forgiveness or so, like that particular person doesn't believe you no more, what's the point of it?

i've always believed in you. why do you not?

No Bails!

went for a gathering two days ago. and a party.

doubted it, i never knew such a clash would happen. things didnt really get screwed up though.. thanks for everything. i was overwhelmed, the first thought was that i wouldn't be as much excited i'd get the other day..perhaps it was the spirit that got me through.. i was ecstatic!

here i am, once again, am doubtful. will we ever get together again for such a night? be it glamorous night or not, all of us had fun.. i could see it with bare eyes..think about the abstract question again, i whisper silently, hope.

another one thing crawls into my mind all of a sudden, outta that ray of light, so you think you're always right, as if none of us cares about you and, monitoring such a behaviour - ignorance, so you're surrounded by friends everywhere, what do ya think then? is that what you want? what do you want, actually? you're just asking too much from us man, i need a break down about it. so just, please tell me. i guess though, you'll never know about this and no one's gonna confront me about this, no matter how many hours later. this much i know. and this much is true.

i want you to confess. i need a confession from you. i really do.


family in crisis that only grows older...

everything's changing

as obvious as it is, everything is indeed changing, day by day..well uhm..as long as the time ticks its way out to nowhere, or perhaps somewhere that i have totally no idea about it..we're still making our lives here..

society is changing
man is changing
demand is changing

or have you changed, already? my dearest reader? you'd rather call it transformation, maybe? well, my love is never changed, i'm still the same old me..omitting the fact that i'm growing..as much as you do..i've made mistakes but i'm just a girl, what could ya possibly expect? even adults make mistakes..i dont know how i should hold my future..and partly, i know..just let it be right? i know what's in your mind, dude..it's not as if i can get a hand on it..

wake up, babe!

ah, i'm starting work tomorrow. wish me luck!

Resignation

it seems i've never mentioned about my colleagues at my current working place, Secret Recipe.. everybody loves that place despite the quality cakes..or lamb stew, perhaps? it's been fun having my time passed there, they're all so funny but then again of course, you'll meet someone that's not meant to chat for long, it doesnt matter though, i still appreciate him/her as a friend.. the rest of 'em, i feel really inseparable..i dont want this..but you gotta have to wave goodbye to something and/or someone in order to obtain a better offer..it's the only way for destiny anyway..no matter how much it hurts..nothing lasts forever, sadly..

i think i'm in love with them..

haha..the way they talk to me, they just dont realise how much i appreciate it for the someone i am to them..everybody stands a place in someone else's heart, to the very least..they'll still be one..if you know what i mean..

they are so gonna do something on me tomorrow man..i'm waiting..and i'll miss those days soon..i know..

for the one who cares, nice years ahead and i love you! =p

Lies

please dont treat me like a fool..

Open Fire

it's been awhile since i last blogged.. well.. haha.. other than procrastinating i dont know what else to say..but hey i'm currently working... hardly working.. i guess it's almost a month already..or perhaps i did not live out any passion into it.. find it not approriate most recently..or maybe, maybe despite the time being.. i do not like it much.. planning to switch job now..heek heek...

i've just given my room a brand new face..with the transformation i would say..from a petty cupboard to a..well, desk? computer desk, obviously it is.. though i do not really make use of what it's meant to be, instead, piling up books high up like..mountain..haha..gonna add some deco on it... and then i'll see how it got dressed up..ahh just awaiting to crack an audacious attempt to get the best costume award..for me roomie..ooOkay, ignore me please, guess i've not been watching any award shows lately..miss those days man..lying on the sofa while sparkling a couch potato's attitude and..hurm..chewing something oR dozing off for..a short while..hehhe..

any new year resolutions? gosh it's the 18th of the first month and i'm only saying it now..ditto the hahaz...guess i'll have to make up a few.. so far..nothing special.. Damn, i havta get ready to work now..ciao everyone ~

i see the trust in you baeb..huggles!

Never Know

never knew i would come this far.. so far that i'm away from my social circle, at least on the verge of it.. things just get outta hand... am really envious of those who have not any much bizarre to even have a thought about..while on the other hand they just bug me like...a swarm of bees perhaps? i've had enough man..i've been fooled..

and i hate making decision especially..you know, maybe you dont understand me..when it comes to making a choice among all, it's like the worst thing for me..i'm aware of this n that.. sometimes i even doubt if i'm too lazy...of not to even wanna blend my brain juice a lil' bit to fumble for balls that lead me to the bingos..

shit.

let the people say what they wanna say man.. it's not like i have to listen to them..i mean really, if they're so good at giving opinions or this and that then why are they still right here, struggling for the pot of gold? tell me?! don't make me laugh man.. go figure, if you follow what they say, they will not be responsible of the consequences after that and ahh.. Aftermath!

you're the only one to blame in everything you do.. and oh purr-leeez, do it your way..

i'm really trapped now this time. cant move forward. cant go backward. what am i supposed to do with all these...hah! perhaps i'm just somebody who's full of crap..i can blog anything but it's just that..sigh i cant do anything about it..

omens oh omens..show me the way there..


i need a miracle.

Those Days are Gone

i must have had alot of things swallowed before i started chewing.. it hurts now, cause i choked.. badly..

i never did appreciate the bad times i have had with anyone, i thought it should and ought to be forgotten..but now, i think it absolutely have to be kept as remembrance...once it's gone, there's no turning back.. even the bad days..

even if you're halfway in a conversation with someone u hate, trust me.. you'll miss it someday..at least u guys have had things to quarrel and fight over.. come to think of it, so wht's the purpose of keeping 2 good friends together if there's not much topics to linger on.. you see even the foes could have the chance to get in touch to themselves..

i missed those days..

which is much worse when it's someone you truly care about.. someone u used to chew gums for a few hours..and yet still having a conversation goin on..aint it miraculous? things will never be the same again when time comes because blatantly time can change someone else's life.. just everything... it just slips off your head without your knowledge.. here we are, sitting on the same table, having nothing much to gossip or so.. it's like a sword is right there in between the two of you, awaiting the conquerer to sweep off the dirt and bridge the gap behind the walls..

i could never relive those days..

i'm not the only one living this complicated and totally messed up place.. friends are everywhere.. but is wearing a mask to communicate with them necessary? unfortunately it does.. subsequently love is all around us.. so basically life is unpredictable.. perhaps saturated with hidden tricks of dark lies..

this is a lie..

darlin, tell me what's in the air right now? i have tried my best to help but despite my helpless stupidity, i turned the other way and messed up the Whole... (hint: inspired by John Steinback's The Pearl, a beautiful novel.)

thanks for the love that i have had and still owning it. i miss my late grandma now, suddenly. are you watching us from up above?



Love, i appreciate. Someone's watching over me, anytime and everywhere. Kisses from me. Lonely no more..

Yeah, ThanKs??!!

Shit happened.

i thought today would be the greatest joy i'd get, after all the time i've spent on being a nerd..and all..i could never expect shit like this to have happened on me.. you know what? i lost my purse!! now i desperately gravely need a job...sigh..how could this happen to me?? what have i done wrong??

how could You do this to me? it's as if i've not problems to handle..

well, think again..i guess it's because i havent been contributing any to society..so You made this happen..thank you very much..i will remember it! I'm sad but a part of me just whispers to me..i've just made a donation!! A big one.

its the last day of the examination. so what now, just wanna get a job.

Get a job!! no tears, darlin.

The Edge

one step closer to some sort of serene ambience, well it's actually the same old spot--my room..it might sound quite strange of me saying this..due to some chaos that have been buzzing me..i'm really tired, not only physically, but also mentally..this is for real..i feel like i have been away from my room for so so long and i really missed it! i am now finally vindicated from the dark cold legend, everything's finally over now..i have better things to do..i suppose.

i am gonna finish my book list..yay..no boundaries..haha..wait a minute, why am i talking about boundaries anyway..no one can ever stop me from doing anything!! well actually..there are some..i cant really stand on my own feet..pathetic, isnt it?

right when i wanna stream myself getting more involved into this post, my mom came in all of a sudden without my knowledge, asking me to dine now..sigh..another sheet of crap eh..haha..this wasnt my intention! haha..

What About This

my feelings arent subsided yet.. i'm currently having my examinations and soon i'll be crossing my hands waiting for the day of the reckoning.. again now i think life is really too much man.. i mean what is the actual purpose of leading this life i'm unseemingly given.. i dont know..especially when you're not doing well in almost all of the things that you're doing..perhaps my hopes are too high.. well you gotta be alert..

just wanna post some craps when i'm down like this..stay tuned for more craps.

Today

an important day to remember. between you and i.



















And 2nd Anniversary.

This is How

even when everything goes wrong, it all is gonna end in the evening..no matter what you've achieved throughout the whole day, it's still gonna end on that day itself at dusk. wake up in the mornings and put on masks to face the day, how long do we have to live like that? well?

i might not have to live like that AND be ignorant over everything that happens each day, but at the end of the day, what will i get? it really is prevalent that everybody prefers pleasant and decent words..well including myself of course..gradually it is somehow one thing unadvisable if you are to live with your principles in life..really, better live FAKEly..it somewhat brings out the other side of you...well, i'm not at all suggesting rubbing shoulders with friends is a right thing to do, instead, it never was..and i hate to do that..and look down on people who do so, you know who you are, dude..

man i feel like crying these few days, i've been running myself away it seems..i do not wanna talk about my graduation day days ago..though it all ended..nothing could change.. i am so gonna miss all of my days 'contributing'..well i once again dont understand why this feeling bumps in but ya know when i left my ex-high school 2 years ago, i ddint have this much sorrow.. perhaps it's about time..maturity? or? dare not to think.. because truth really hurts..

hereby is my speech on that day..(somebody desperately requested this, enjoy!)

good morning teachers and friends..
first and foremost, i would like to thank the teachers. i've had about 12 different teachers, each with something unique to offer. one had a great sense of humour, another had interesting stories from 'his life in high school' to share. some have used different and exciting ways to teach the ordinary books. each teacher has been a role model in a different way, not by what they taught, but how they taught, with respect for the students, with the patience to explain the abstract, by putting a lil bit of their own into the lesson plans.
in addition, i'd also like to thank my fellow classmates, with all the laughters especially..and thanks for your support! within these 2 years, i've had an amazing time studying and of course getting to know each and everyone of you..you guys rock! keep in touch, all ryte?
for once and for all, to all the classmates and the teachers, thank you for all the lessons i've learned. and all the best to those who will be sitting for the upcoming examination. thank you.

pouf, this is sad.

I'm Cool

it's raining right now..if you know me well, you'll know that i love rainy days..especially when it's drizzling..if you would come to me for the repouse for loving it i would say perhaps it sings out the fears and sorrow that i've been going through all this while..well, the pain and sorrow never ever leave me once, they're always there..the days when i'm wrapped with peers around are the days i'm actually out of the reality..i never dared myself to face it..even now..

i feel the agony whenever those problems trace after me for the answers..i'm just a young pubescent kid, please, i cant afford to lose anything of my own now.. please dont ooze away my frivolous charm that i used to have..real long ago.. man i miss those days..when i had the chance to fool around just to touch everything i wanted.. and no-one would scold me..even if i've broken a costly vase.. but this just a mere nostalgia which never can happen again.. you get scoldings and mumblings and bla-bla..all these crap and i would call it gribberish!!!!!

it's ridiculous that i dreamt about a guy whom i used to compete my results and homework with..and how he would think wayss to bully me..well, you might rack your brain to even have a laugh to thinking, 'com'on, carm's bullied by someone??' haha..sorry okay i was way too innocent to have realised about all the tease and cry thingy..lol..talking about bullyin..there was a girl who is now so-called my darlin, bullied me real loads! she used to pinch me and all..and treated me like a fool..haha..somehow i cant turn back the time..those days are gone..even if she's my 'darlin' now..we rarely even contact each other..strange case, isnt it? back to my dream, i was like in heaven ya know, having him around and everything was so great..we were playing swings..n all..but the dream was so vague..i can hardly recall what i was doing IN there..where i do not have to frown for solutions..sigh..

at times i really hate myself..having inherited all the bad gens sigh..it's really buzzing me off you know, and everyone would take it as a 'compliment' to flatter you..CRAP!! sometimes cant really blame them though, when they're bombarded with thoughts that having vulpine intelligence is dominant..but come to think of it, who's to blame? no-one.

very recently i came to notice that every word i say just seem to be bringing misfortunes later after that..perhaps it's best when im saying nothing at all..thanks to ronan, for inspiring me with this..i'm really sorry..i think i've hurt quite a few friends of mine despite my fetid mouth that bites....your heart..sigh..also, i cant really express myself...argh! even so, i still wont express myself straight to the point..well, am i repeating doing it now? lol..i just cant do it..and i wont do it..for fear of losing privacy perhaps? excuses eh..haha..

all right, after blogging these out, i'm feeling much better now..the rain just stopped..and it's cooling now..woohoo..enjoying it..hehe..well for those of you who are still reading this, haha.. i would like to come clean..lol..you might find it sort of ridiculous but still i have to say this, i'm trying to avoid foul language..haha..if you dont mind..replace all my 'arghs' to *beep*..hehehe

ciao for now. muah!

My cake..yea MINE!!! haha..thankie guys, muaxx!!! Btw, it's CheeseCake!! yummy!! 

Cake and Carmen..haha!! 

We share the same Dream..hehe..*secret secret* 

Let's singg it!! *Happy birthday to y-e-u-u!!* hehehe 

The First Bite! ^^ 

Looking extremely FAT in this..wanna know why? Those Kisses are the potions..darn! Haha!! Muaxxx! 

Spot the difference! *it's tongues lickin out* XD 

Uhhhmmmm... 

Sigh. Perhapz that was her first time, we shall do it more often!! Muahaha, Winnie oh Winnie.. ^^ 

Wht's with the fingers, FeiYing? Who's the spotlight in this pic eh..>< jelez alrdy..hmph!^^ 

No-one can ever seperate the both of us, now and forever, I promise..haha and oh, this is Sue! 

Together we are. ^^ 

All right, have a cheesy take! She's Eunice, blek!!  

Cool huh..There goes the Moonlight hehe, next to me is Lilian..=p 

Darlinz For Life~ woohoo!! 

You and 17, Me

i have so much to say today..i bet u guys can never tell how i'm feelin right now..it's indescribable..really..sometimes when celebrities accept snowballs during all kinds of awards shows and when their tears are flowin down or something, the first thing in my mind, is that they're just acting it out..those arent for real i tell myself..but right now..i'm really feeling it..i am so so so excited and caressively touched..you'll never ever know how i'm feeling man..this is so real..i've never expected this to be happening..i mean com'on..mE?

and now, i believe..

i dont wanna boast or anything..just wanna come clean, i mean there's no use for me to lie right..today is the 3rd of october..it means a whole lot to me..the previous night, i was feeling so so downcasted, it was like..in the first place i thought i was so blessed with love, and it couldnt be real..that a lot of people wanted to celebrate with me..and i rejected..i feel so sorry for them..right here, if you're reading this, please accept my a.p.o.l.o.g.y.! and then suddenly it was like, there were just something which barricaded my all-time trusted friends to celebrate with me..i mean, all right, i dont wish to say any sort of mushy bushy stuffs here..that all my friends mean alot to me..and you!! dont look away, you know who you are, please dont you ever think you're nothing to me, you're just special..i sometimes acted like a fool..well..not a fool..just someone who cares..who would ask to do anything to make it up to you.. it was all from the deep core of my heart..everybody should be treated in a pampered way; the way i want it from you too...you guys mean alot to me, frankly i doubted my place in your hearts..because i never thought a girl who has only be friends with you guys for like..not even 2 years..would have such excessive care and support..and everything! this is like a dream for me..i thought nothing good would come to me..

last night, i was frankly, afraid that no one would actually remember today.. i mean, just the sincerity and the thought that counts actually, i'd feel great with just a greeting from you, but you guys are jsut awesome man..i felt like i was God's pet to be receiving so many wishes and telephone calls and sms-es..and what's more unexpected, is today's celebration..

once i got up, looked at the cellphone..the messages were like whoa..a bomb..i was really happy and surprised!! so many of em actually remembers my day..it was so surreal.. i couldnt believe it...i suddenly felt like i was so blessed! long since i felt like that..well, after that someone drove all the way from home to give me a gift, it was really nice of him..hehe..a piggy..haha..thanky! and then here's the climax..can you believe the climax of the day started at 10 in the morning itself?? omg..my friends actually home-made a cheesecake for me!!! i was so shocked when i saw my name on it!! it was reallly sweeet of em..and the taste of cheesecake still lingers in my mind..heek heek..we couldnt give up the opportunity to take pictures..yeah..under the sun, but who cares..haha..and then we proceeded to erm..red boxx! haha..all of us rocked down the room(eh?) man..hahha..sort of sorry to have monopolised the mic..for..well..hahha..you know it! but hopefully you guys had fun in there too..i had a control on my tears! hehe..we then hopped in to coffee bean, my favourite place..hehhe..we had some talk..well..*secret secret* haha...hehhe all of us didnt wanna leave! lolz..but everything has to come to an end right, we had to go..and walked s-l-o-w-ly to the carpark basement..haha..guess what we did in there..*beep beep* NOT dirty things all right..hahha..sweethearts sang birthday song for ME!!! and then a solo from my lovely eun..which i got to choose on my own, what a pick..hehe..

well you never know, today is like receiving surprises and surprises..haha..never end..of course i do LOVE it!!!! hehe, i was droved home..in one piece..haha..and i had to really leave now..after greeting farewells..got into my own room..to calm myself down..haha..i dont know why..just sort of like..shivering? nervous? over-excited? too hyperr? hhaha..received a call later and was asked to reach my hand on my letterbox..haha..i then rushed down for it, omg, there was a yellow card..haha..OMG! that was what i was staring at..hesitating whether to buy it and keep it..hehhe..AND NOW i can OWN it!!! you can never tell how thrilled i am!!! i am soooo eXciTeD!!!

later after that, received a message from muacky-bro..hehe..saying my present is on top of his CK box..haha..it was Mitch Albom's Tuesdays with Morrie!!!! wow...fantastic man..i wanted to read that book for so long but didnt happen to buy it on my own..hehe..muaxx and thankie!! before i could even express my happiness, here comes a little gift from my primarymate, hehe..it's really sweet of her to have walked a long distance to my place and gave it to me..thanky..hehhe..

Going for dinner with family later..^^

***
just as i thought i could have more, i stopped myself to think. i dont ask for more coz i'm already contented. i really appreciate all the things that you guys have done to me..all the time spent to make this real for me..i could not ask for more..=p



**- /-\ ) ) \/ 3 R + - ) /-\ \/ +0 ( @ R I\/I**
thanks once again for willing to spend so much time on this!!muahz!!!
hope all of you enjoyed yourselves today too!!

i turned 17 today, finally. this is not something i yearn for, fearing to become 17 instead, though now i think it's not as bad as i thought anyway... i'll continue to take the challenges ahead from the almighty-God.=p

Pierced

wanted to blog few days ago actually but maybe i wasnt destined to do so, this blogger and the unstable connection that i've been having since well? weeks ago? months ago? are driving me nuts..which precisely hint you the reason why i seldom blog these days..and of course undeniably i'm indeed doing my procrastination quite frequent..XD it has to stop though as you know, examnination is drawing nearer and nearer..feel like closing my left eye, to not to care about it. what about my right eye, does this question come to your mind? lolz if i close both of my eyes, meaning i'm totally being ignorant, hehe and then i'd be guilty for myself, blek!

alrighty, there's this saying which goes and i know you are familiar with it, no planning is planning to fail..any idea? i'm sure you do. well, come to think of it, most of the time things just dont work out the way you want it to be, whether it's better or worse. it's just not what you want. then again, it happens on me, and honestly most of em are the latter one. isnt it saddening? by the same token, when there's something of your interest is going on and you'll surely happen to be on tenterhooks, wondering what on earth is going to happen next, could it be this or that and bla bla, dont you think it's not necessary? fearing for the worst is somewhat a feeling you wouldnt wanna have, honestly, right? instead, when you dont plan, for once and for all, things just happen. and then when it happens, it's then only time for you to either be excited about it or fall into the suicidal trap..yeah i'm exaggerating..hehe..it might sound a little risky, you know to risk your life or something but think on the other side, my peers, with this simple plan, you dont have to even be worried before the thing happens, aint it better? arent we encouraged to live happily..everyday?

here's the thing, they say if you dont plan for something, you're actually planning to risk your future away..that's right, at times. my view is that planning is good but what if the outcome isnt pleasant? you're gonna be downcasted for a few days then? you'll be upset if the outcome is no good because you've spent time planning for it. likewise, if you dont plan, things will not necessary turn out to be bad. if it so happens to be a failure, then you'll regret but you wont be that downcasted as to be compared to the former, meaning to plan..am i right? this is one of the many paradoxes that we face, they both cant exist at the same time..so deal with it, to plan, or not?

my ears are pierced. my fate is destined. do i have to spend time worrying about my past and/or future? your answer for me is No. yet can you tell me, you never worried about it?

Faith

well, blogging is a total fun..when you're writing about something that has happened, you're actually talking to yourself..as in you would somewhat feel more comfortable..and sometimes even realise something from what you've just written, ya know whether you were doing anything wrong or said something bad to someone..it's just pleasant, having to perceive what you have done wrong or right..precisely just a fulfillment about yourself..

faith, i sometimes am not sure whether to believe somebody's words..it might be coming out from a totally clowny expression on the face or rather, a solemn one..neither one is safe to be trusted on eh..well, humans wear on masks..i'm quite sure of that people, there's no one living in this world who is actually totally of himself, if this person ever exists, i wonder how wide is his social circle..well okay, sometimes cracking up white lies can be good, you might not be aware that white lie is also considered as a lie, isnt it a sin? it does no harm (uh-huh) but because it does no harm, do you then think it's right to tell lies? haha, right to be wrong can be well-applied to this eh..

whenever it reaches a knot, i usually want to handle it my way..all right, ya have to listen to both sides if your friends or family are having arguments because it would be so unfair for both sides; without giving them a single chance to do their own explanations..agree? sometimes though, chances are just not there for you to clear things up the way you wanted it to..what i am trying to say is that everybody has their prerogatives to do anything..on their own..it all depends whether you want it to..it's just something of your own again you see..

it has got nothing to do with faith eh? sorry dear readers i often get carried away and keep turning circles round and round to finally getting back to the main point i was wanting to voice out on..haha..faith oh faith..i'm not sure if i should believe somebody's adulations or are those words for real? you know it's hard to comprehend what on earth is actually in a person's mind..

well you might wanna say that's life..and life's unpredictable eh?? alrighty please forgive me of my bovine stupidity of not being able to differentiate someone else's words..or is there any otherwise?

No Idea man..

have ya ever come across a moment whereby you feel depressed..broken all of a sudden? well..i guess i face it almost everyday..ya know i can be laughing like i'm in heaven with ya right now and when something strikes me even without myself even realising it the next moment, i can be damn curseful..going moody all my way..i dont understand why..why do i have this kinda so-called moodswings, perhaps? or is there something wrong inside? argh..

sometimes being somebody of my age, i wonder if there's actually something which could be perfectly done by me, myself..com'on if there's something please remind me about it..as we would be pressuring ourselves on every fridays calling out to hell just to accomplish the tasks that are given out by teachers and the chief reason of it is just to save ourselves from the drudgery of having to eventually get it all done by the weekend..dont you think it's a little too much..ya know, arent we supposed to be living life to its fullest and forget about all the 'hardwork' we have to take?? sigh talking about life, i'm just clueless..you see, i sometimes go for tuition which somehow somewhat seems to be an interminable ninety minutes..aint it dull?

i bloodily yearn for the answer..

Fragile Heart

just as i was about to release myself from this hassle, someone just took it out on me..saying as if i do not deserve any heck frm 'em..and yes i am sick of hearing those white lies..so you think it's good for me..well i certainly am prepared to yell it out loud straight to your face how selfish you are, and how ya dont make any VIP spaces deep down my heart, you're just a nobody....as if i'm really gonna do this.. i, as usual, just do not have the guts to do some kinda shoutings and yellings..especially when i think twice it's just not worth it, for someone like you, dude? better to say, i'm just not willing to scratch for scars for such person like you..

in occasions you're to blame for the bluntness you're blessed with and give the credits to whom who has been giving you everything....well, do bear in mind that you sometimes get things which you dont really need it and on the other hand, when you think you deserve something else, it's just not yours..eventually your will to get it turns into hatred..and later on, everything will be messed up..human beings only struggle for their needs and are undoubtly greedy, it's so blatant to see that sometimes we dont really need to have those not-necessary fracas...it's crazy, isnt it..people survive for nothing..if it's not the combat between you and i then this world is filled with colours between he and i..or whatsoever..what's the exact point of it? however far you are, you're still a person who strives for a living..just like anyone of us..nothing special..the only thing that makes it special is you, whether you can poke a unique side of you..

stop it carm, you're going out of your mind! if there's a special song to fix this problem i'd sing it everyday..

Ice-Cream Day!

so there's this somebody by the name of, wenlong, haha..requested to have this kinda title..coz the previous ones were hehe, i admit tht, were kinda depressing..too solemn i guess..u know when you're too into something, you kinda feel sad and down..i dont know why, or maybe it only happens on me..

today's title..is IceCream Day..any surprises? well i didnt eat ice cream just now..i had a slice of white chocolate cake instead..all right, thanks to my friends for that..and coincidently today's my lil bro's birthday..i promised him i'll sing him 50cent's InDaClub...and a kiss on the ChEeK..just for him! i dont know why he wants a kiss from me, haha, same goes to dad..i wonder if my elder brother would want a kiss from me...jet, huh? how about it? lolz..

actually i ate icecream yesterday with..haha..whole family except my mother..coz she has diabetics..aww..i pray hard i didnt get it in the near future..coz it's reaaally depressing..u know, you ought to have to eat some sweetening stuffs to lighten yourself at times, yet once you're infected with this contagious disease..all i can say is that i'm just sorry for ya.. you have to cut down on those kinda food..and your happy days will be less..*pray hard*

funny, today's the very start n the very beginning of my examination and i'm celebrating it..for god's sake, i'm not going school tomorrow..oh hey, i'm just making a wise choice..haha..stick to the thought of me being lazy..coz i'm used to it..haha..to myself i suppose? to some people, i'm hardworking though..but i'd rather you assuming i'm a lazy person coz i'm not too lazy, not too hardworking..teehee...

so here goes the guy thing again, i dont know how to deal with it this time, i'll just let time be the judge..should it be fated, then it is..nothing much to be worried about eh..

gosh, i guess this ice-cream-day title has to come to an end...while i'm blogging, i'm chatting with one of my classmates...just got to know that she has to buy outside food everyday while i can enjoy my mama's dishes everyday!..almost everyday at least...i'm feeling so bad that sometimes i kinda complain my mama's dish isnt salty enough..isnt spicy enough..and so on..and so on!!what's happening??!! why is there to feel that i'm so useless all of a sudden.. carm, you should do something..argh, i guess there's nothing much i could do..sigh..hopefully this girl i know is really happy with her life, that's what she said to me..well, i dont wish to elaborate more on her parents..just that they really do love her..sometimes situation just pushes us a lil too hard..but that's life i know..sigh..

no angel..


i appreciate everything in life...i really do..and have a pleasant ice-cream day, everyone! oh by the way, happy birthday to everyone who's blowing candles today, but of course one special wish from a sister to her brother..happy birthday, ant (he prefers to being called this way, hehe)! well, i know though he wont check out my blog, but it's just a little something from me, hehe..