Never Know

never knew i would come this far.. so far that i'm away from my social circle, at least on the verge of it.. things just get outta hand... am really envious of those who have not any much bizarre to even have a thought about..while on the other hand they just bug me like...a swarm of bees perhaps? i've had enough man..i've been fooled..

and i hate making decision especially..you know, maybe you dont understand me..when it comes to making a choice among all, it's like the worst thing for me..i'm aware of this n that.. sometimes i even doubt if i'm too lazy...of not to even wanna blend my brain juice a lil' bit to fumble for balls that lead me to the bingos..

shit.

let the people say what they wanna say man.. it's not like i have to listen to them..i mean really, if they're so good at giving opinions or this and that then why are they still right here, struggling for the pot of gold? tell me?! don't make me laugh man.. go figure, if you follow what they say, they will not be responsible of the consequences after that and ahh.. Aftermath!

you're the only one to blame in everything you do.. and oh purr-leeez, do it your way..

i'm really trapped now this time. cant move forward. cant go backward. what am i supposed to do with all these...hah! perhaps i'm just somebody who's full of crap..i can blog anything but it's just that..sigh i cant do anything about it..

omens oh omens..show me the way there..


i need a miracle.

Those Days are Gone

i must have had alot of things swallowed before i started chewing.. it hurts now, cause i choked.. badly..

i never did appreciate the bad times i have had with anyone, i thought it should and ought to be forgotten..but now, i think it absolutely have to be kept as remembrance...once it's gone, there's no turning back.. even the bad days..

even if you're halfway in a conversation with someone u hate, trust me.. you'll miss it someday..at least u guys have had things to quarrel and fight over.. come to think of it, so wht's the purpose of keeping 2 good friends together if there's not much topics to linger on.. you see even the foes could have the chance to get in touch to themselves..

i missed those days..

which is much worse when it's someone you truly care about.. someone u used to chew gums for a few hours..and yet still having a conversation goin on..aint it miraculous? things will never be the same again when time comes because blatantly time can change someone else's life.. just everything... it just slips off your head without your knowledge.. here we are, sitting on the same table, having nothing much to gossip or so.. it's like a sword is right there in between the two of you, awaiting the conquerer to sweep off the dirt and bridge the gap behind the walls..

i could never relive those days..

i'm not the only one living this complicated and totally messed up place.. friends are everywhere.. but is wearing a mask to communicate with them necessary? unfortunately it does.. subsequently love is all around us.. so basically life is unpredictable.. perhaps saturated with hidden tricks of dark lies..

this is a lie..

darlin, tell me what's in the air right now? i have tried my best to help but despite my helpless stupidity, i turned the other way and messed up the Whole... (hint: inspired by John Steinback's The Pearl, a beautiful novel.)

thanks for the love that i have had and still owning it. i miss my late grandma now, suddenly. are you watching us from up above?



Love, i appreciate. Someone's watching over me, anytime and everywhere. Kisses from me. Lonely no more..

Yeah, ThanKs??!!

Shit happened.

i thought today would be the greatest joy i'd get, after all the time i've spent on being a nerd..and all..i could never expect shit like this to have happened on me.. you know what? i lost my purse!! now i desperately gravely need a job...sigh..how could this happen to me?? what have i done wrong??

how could You do this to me? it's as if i've not problems to handle..

well, think again..i guess it's because i havent been contributing any to society..so You made this happen..thank you very much..i will remember it! I'm sad but a part of me just whispers to me..i've just made a donation!! A big one.

its the last day of the examination. so what now, just wanna get a job.

Get a job!! no tears, darlin.

The Edge

one step closer to some sort of serene ambience, well it's actually the same old spot--my room..it might sound quite strange of me saying this..due to some chaos that have been buzzing me..i'm really tired, not only physically, but also mentally..this is for real..i feel like i have been away from my room for so so long and i really missed it! i am now finally vindicated from the dark cold legend, everything's finally over now..i have better things to do..i suppose.

i am gonna finish my book list..yay..no boundaries..haha..wait a minute, why am i talking about boundaries anyway..no one can ever stop me from doing anything!! well actually..there are some..i cant really stand on my own feet..pathetic, isnt it?

right when i wanna stream myself getting more involved into this post, my mom came in all of a sudden without my knowledge, asking me to dine now..sigh..another sheet of crap eh..haha..this wasnt my intention! haha..

What About This

my feelings arent subsided yet.. i'm currently having my examinations and soon i'll be crossing my hands waiting for the day of the reckoning.. again now i think life is really too much man.. i mean what is the actual purpose of leading this life i'm unseemingly given.. i dont know..especially when you're not doing well in almost all of the things that you're doing..perhaps my hopes are too high.. well you gotta be alert..

just wanna post some craps when i'm down like this..stay tuned for more craps.

Today

an important day to remember. between you and i.



















And 2nd Anniversary.

This is How

even when everything goes wrong, it all is gonna end in the evening..no matter what you've achieved throughout the whole day, it's still gonna end on that day itself at dusk. wake up in the mornings and put on masks to face the day, how long do we have to live like that? well?

i might not have to live like that AND be ignorant over everything that happens each day, but at the end of the day, what will i get? it really is prevalent that everybody prefers pleasant and decent words..well including myself of course..gradually it is somehow one thing unadvisable if you are to live with your principles in life..really, better live FAKEly..it somewhat brings out the other side of you...well, i'm not at all suggesting rubbing shoulders with friends is a right thing to do, instead, it never was..and i hate to do that..and look down on people who do so, you know who you are, dude..

man i feel like crying these few days, i've been running myself away it seems..i do not wanna talk about my graduation day days ago..though it all ended..nothing could change.. i am so gonna miss all of my days 'contributing'..well i once again dont understand why this feeling bumps in but ya know when i left my ex-high school 2 years ago, i ddint have this much sorrow.. perhaps it's about time..maturity? or? dare not to think.. because truth really hurts..

hereby is my speech on that day..(somebody desperately requested this, enjoy!)

good morning teachers and friends..
first and foremost, i would like to thank the teachers. i've had about 12 different teachers, each with something unique to offer. one had a great sense of humour, another had interesting stories from 'his life in high school' to share. some have used different and exciting ways to teach the ordinary books. each teacher has been a role model in a different way, not by what they taught, but how they taught, with respect for the students, with the patience to explain the abstract, by putting a lil bit of their own into the lesson plans.
in addition, i'd also like to thank my fellow classmates, with all the laughters especially..and thanks for your support! within these 2 years, i've had an amazing time studying and of course getting to know each and everyone of you..you guys rock! keep in touch, all ryte?
for once and for all, to all the classmates and the teachers, thank you for all the lessons i've learned. and all the best to those who will be sitting for the upcoming examination. thank you.

pouf, this is sad.

I'm Cool

it's raining right now..if you know me well, you'll know that i love rainy days..especially when it's drizzling..if you would come to me for the repouse for loving it i would say perhaps it sings out the fears and sorrow that i've been going through all this while..well, the pain and sorrow never ever leave me once, they're always there..the days when i'm wrapped with peers around are the days i'm actually out of the reality..i never dared myself to face it..even now..

i feel the agony whenever those problems trace after me for the answers..i'm just a young pubescent kid, please, i cant afford to lose anything of my own now.. please dont ooze away my frivolous charm that i used to have..real long ago.. man i miss those days..when i had the chance to fool around just to touch everything i wanted.. and no-one would scold me..even if i've broken a costly vase.. but this just a mere nostalgia which never can happen again.. you get scoldings and mumblings and bla-bla..all these crap and i would call it gribberish!!!!!

it's ridiculous that i dreamt about a guy whom i used to compete my results and homework with..and how he would think wayss to bully me..well, you might rack your brain to even have a laugh to thinking, 'com'on, carm's bullied by someone??' haha..sorry okay i was way too innocent to have realised about all the tease and cry thingy..lol..talking about bullyin..there was a girl who is now so-called my darlin, bullied me real loads! she used to pinch me and all..and treated me like a fool..haha..somehow i cant turn back the time..those days are gone..even if she's my 'darlin' now..we rarely even contact each other..strange case, isnt it? back to my dream, i was like in heaven ya know, having him around and everything was so great..we were playing swings..n all..but the dream was so vague..i can hardly recall what i was doing IN there..where i do not have to frown for solutions..sigh..

at times i really hate myself..having inherited all the bad gens sigh..it's really buzzing me off you know, and everyone would take it as a 'compliment' to flatter you..CRAP!! sometimes cant really blame them though, when they're bombarded with thoughts that having vulpine intelligence is dominant..but come to think of it, who's to blame? no-one.

very recently i came to notice that every word i say just seem to be bringing misfortunes later after that..perhaps it's best when im saying nothing at all..thanks to ronan, for inspiring me with this..i'm really sorry..i think i've hurt quite a few friends of mine despite my fetid mouth that bites....your heart..sigh..also, i cant really express myself...argh! even so, i still wont express myself straight to the point..well, am i repeating doing it now? lol..i just cant do it..and i wont do it..for fear of losing privacy perhaps? excuses eh..haha..

all right, after blogging these out, i'm feeling much better now..the rain just stopped..and it's cooling now..woohoo..enjoying it..hehe..well for those of you who are still reading this, haha.. i would like to come clean..lol..you might find it sort of ridiculous but still i have to say this, i'm trying to avoid foul language..haha..if you dont mind..replace all my 'arghs' to *beep*..hehehe

ciao for now. muah!

My cake..yea MINE!!! haha..thankie guys, muaxx!!! Btw, it's CheeseCake!! yummy!! 

Cake and Carmen..haha!! 

We share the same Dream..hehe..*secret secret* 

Let's singg it!! *Happy birthday to y-e-u-u!!* hehehe 

The First Bite! ^^ 

Looking extremely FAT in this..wanna know why? Those Kisses are the potions..darn! Haha!! Muaxxx! 

Spot the difference! *it's tongues lickin out* XD 

Uhhhmmmm... 

Sigh. Perhapz that was her first time, we shall do it more often!! Muahaha, Winnie oh Winnie.. ^^ 

Wht's with the fingers, FeiYing? Who's the spotlight in this pic eh..>< jelez alrdy..hmph!^^ 

No-one can ever seperate the both of us, now and forever, I promise..haha and oh, this is Sue! 

Together we are. ^^ 

All right, have a cheesy take! She's Eunice, blek!!  

Cool huh..There goes the Moonlight hehe, next to me is Lilian..=p 

Darlinz For Life~ woohoo!! 

You and 17, Me

i have so much to say today..i bet u guys can never tell how i'm feelin right now..it's indescribable..really..sometimes when celebrities accept snowballs during all kinds of awards shows and when their tears are flowin down or something, the first thing in my mind, is that they're just acting it out..those arent for real i tell myself..but right now..i'm really feeling it..i am so so so excited and caressively touched..you'll never ever know how i'm feeling man..this is so real..i've never expected this to be happening..i mean com'on..mE?

and now, i believe..

i dont wanna boast or anything..just wanna come clean, i mean there's no use for me to lie right..today is the 3rd of october..it means a whole lot to me..the previous night, i was feeling so so downcasted, it was like..in the first place i thought i was so blessed with love, and it couldnt be real..that a lot of people wanted to celebrate with me..and i rejected..i feel so sorry for them..right here, if you're reading this, please accept my a.p.o.l.o.g.y.! and then suddenly it was like, there were just something which barricaded my all-time trusted friends to celebrate with me..i mean, all right, i dont wish to say any sort of mushy bushy stuffs here..that all my friends mean alot to me..and you!! dont look away, you know who you are, please dont you ever think you're nothing to me, you're just special..i sometimes acted like a fool..well..not a fool..just someone who cares..who would ask to do anything to make it up to you.. it was all from the deep core of my heart..everybody should be treated in a pampered way; the way i want it from you too...you guys mean alot to me, frankly i doubted my place in your hearts..because i never thought a girl who has only be friends with you guys for like..not even 2 years..would have such excessive care and support..and everything! this is like a dream for me..i thought nothing good would come to me..

last night, i was frankly, afraid that no one would actually remember today.. i mean, just the sincerity and the thought that counts actually, i'd feel great with just a greeting from you, but you guys are jsut awesome man..i felt like i was God's pet to be receiving so many wishes and telephone calls and sms-es..and what's more unexpected, is today's celebration..

once i got up, looked at the cellphone..the messages were like whoa..a bomb..i was really happy and surprised!! so many of em actually remembers my day..it was so surreal.. i couldnt believe it...i suddenly felt like i was so blessed! long since i felt like that..well, after that someone drove all the way from home to give me a gift, it was really nice of him..hehe..a piggy..haha..thanky! and then here's the climax..can you believe the climax of the day started at 10 in the morning itself?? omg..my friends actually home-made a cheesecake for me!!! i was so shocked when i saw my name on it!! it was reallly sweeet of em..and the taste of cheesecake still lingers in my mind..heek heek..we couldnt give up the opportunity to take pictures..yeah..under the sun, but who cares..haha..and then we proceeded to erm..red boxx! haha..all of us rocked down the room(eh?) man..hahha..sort of sorry to have monopolised the mic..for..well..hahha..you know it! but hopefully you guys had fun in there too..i had a control on my tears! hehe..we then hopped in to coffee bean, my favourite place..hehhe..we had some talk..well..*secret secret* haha...hehhe all of us didnt wanna leave! lolz..but everything has to come to an end right, we had to go..and walked s-l-o-w-ly to the carpark basement..haha..guess what we did in there..*beep beep* NOT dirty things all right..hahha..sweethearts sang birthday song for ME!!! and then a solo from my lovely eun..which i got to choose on my own, what a pick..hehe..

well you never know, today is like receiving surprises and surprises..haha..never end..of course i do LOVE it!!!! hehe, i was droved home..in one piece..haha..and i had to really leave now..after greeting farewells..got into my own room..to calm myself down..haha..i dont know why..just sort of like..shivering? nervous? over-excited? too hyperr? hhaha..received a call later and was asked to reach my hand on my letterbox..haha..i then rushed down for it, omg, there was a yellow card..haha..OMG! that was what i was staring at..hesitating whether to buy it and keep it..hehhe..AND NOW i can OWN it!!! you can never tell how thrilled i am!!! i am soooo eXciTeD!!!

later after that, received a message from muacky-bro..hehe..saying my present is on top of his CK box..haha..it was Mitch Albom's Tuesdays with Morrie!!!! wow...fantastic man..i wanted to read that book for so long but didnt happen to buy it on my own..hehe..muaxx and thankie!! before i could even express my happiness, here comes a little gift from my primarymate, hehe..it's really sweet of her to have walked a long distance to my place and gave it to me..thanky..hehhe..

Going for dinner with family later..^^

***
just as i thought i could have more, i stopped myself to think. i dont ask for more coz i'm already contented. i really appreciate all the things that you guys have done to me..all the time spent to make this real for me..i could not ask for more..=p



**- /-\ ) ) \/ 3 R + - ) /-\ \/ +0 ( @ R I\/I**
thanks once again for willing to spend so much time on this!!muahz!!!
hope all of you enjoyed yourselves today too!!

i turned 17 today, finally. this is not something i yearn for, fearing to become 17 instead, though now i think it's not as bad as i thought anyway... i'll continue to take the challenges ahead from the almighty-God.=p

Pierced

wanted to blog few days ago actually but maybe i wasnt destined to do so, this blogger and the unstable connection that i've been having since well? weeks ago? months ago? are driving me nuts..which precisely hint you the reason why i seldom blog these days..and of course undeniably i'm indeed doing my procrastination quite frequent..XD it has to stop though as you know, examnination is drawing nearer and nearer..feel like closing my left eye, to not to care about it. what about my right eye, does this question come to your mind? lolz if i close both of my eyes, meaning i'm totally being ignorant, hehe and then i'd be guilty for myself, blek!

alrighty, there's this saying which goes and i know you are familiar with it, no planning is planning to fail..any idea? i'm sure you do. well, come to think of it, most of the time things just dont work out the way you want it to be, whether it's better or worse. it's just not what you want. then again, it happens on me, and honestly most of em are the latter one. isnt it saddening? by the same token, when there's something of your interest is going on and you'll surely happen to be on tenterhooks, wondering what on earth is going to happen next, could it be this or that and bla bla, dont you think it's not necessary? fearing for the worst is somewhat a feeling you wouldnt wanna have, honestly, right? instead, when you dont plan, for once and for all, things just happen. and then when it happens, it's then only time for you to either be excited about it or fall into the suicidal trap..yeah i'm exaggerating..hehe..it might sound a little risky, you know to risk your life or something but think on the other side, my peers, with this simple plan, you dont have to even be worried before the thing happens, aint it better? arent we encouraged to live happily..everyday?

here's the thing, they say if you dont plan for something, you're actually planning to risk your future away..that's right, at times. my view is that planning is good but what if the outcome isnt pleasant? you're gonna be downcasted for a few days then? you'll be upset if the outcome is no good because you've spent time planning for it. likewise, if you dont plan, things will not necessary turn out to be bad. if it so happens to be a failure, then you'll regret but you wont be that downcasted as to be compared to the former, meaning to plan..am i right? this is one of the many paradoxes that we face, they both cant exist at the same time..so deal with it, to plan, or not?

my ears are pierced. my fate is destined. do i have to spend time worrying about my past and/or future? your answer for me is No. yet can you tell me, you never worried about it?

Faith

well, blogging is a total fun..when you're writing about something that has happened, you're actually talking to yourself..as in you would somewhat feel more comfortable..and sometimes even realise something from what you've just written, ya know whether you were doing anything wrong or said something bad to someone..it's just pleasant, having to perceive what you have done wrong or right..precisely just a fulfillment about yourself..

faith, i sometimes am not sure whether to believe somebody's words..it might be coming out from a totally clowny expression on the face or rather, a solemn one..neither one is safe to be trusted on eh..well, humans wear on masks..i'm quite sure of that people, there's no one living in this world who is actually totally of himself, if this person ever exists, i wonder how wide is his social circle..well okay, sometimes cracking up white lies can be good, you might not be aware that white lie is also considered as a lie, isnt it a sin? it does no harm (uh-huh) but because it does no harm, do you then think it's right to tell lies? haha, right to be wrong can be well-applied to this eh..

whenever it reaches a knot, i usually want to handle it my way..all right, ya have to listen to both sides if your friends or family are having arguments because it would be so unfair for both sides; without giving them a single chance to do their own explanations..agree? sometimes though, chances are just not there for you to clear things up the way you wanted it to..what i am trying to say is that everybody has their prerogatives to do anything..on their own..it all depends whether you want it to..it's just something of your own again you see..

it has got nothing to do with faith eh? sorry dear readers i often get carried away and keep turning circles round and round to finally getting back to the main point i was wanting to voice out on..haha..faith oh faith..i'm not sure if i should believe somebody's adulations or are those words for real? you know it's hard to comprehend what on earth is actually in a person's mind..

well you might wanna say that's life..and life's unpredictable eh?? alrighty please forgive me of my bovine stupidity of not being able to differentiate someone else's words..or is there any otherwise?

No Idea man..

have ya ever come across a moment whereby you feel depressed..broken all of a sudden? well..i guess i face it almost everyday..ya know i can be laughing like i'm in heaven with ya right now and when something strikes me even without myself even realising it the next moment, i can be damn curseful..going moody all my way..i dont understand why..why do i have this kinda so-called moodswings, perhaps? or is there something wrong inside? argh..

sometimes being somebody of my age, i wonder if there's actually something which could be perfectly done by me, myself..com'on if there's something please remind me about it..as we would be pressuring ourselves on every fridays calling out to hell just to accomplish the tasks that are given out by teachers and the chief reason of it is just to save ourselves from the drudgery of having to eventually get it all done by the weekend..dont you think it's a little too much..ya know, arent we supposed to be living life to its fullest and forget about all the 'hardwork' we have to take?? sigh talking about life, i'm just clueless..you see, i sometimes go for tuition which somehow somewhat seems to be an interminable ninety minutes..aint it dull?

i bloodily yearn for the answer..

Fragile Heart

just as i was about to release myself from this hassle, someone just took it out on me..saying as if i do not deserve any heck frm 'em..and yes i am sick of hearing those white lies..so you think it's good for me..well i certainly am prepared to yell it out loud straight to your face how selfish you are, and how ya dont make any VIP spaces deep down my heart, you're just a nobody....as if i'm really gonna do this.. i, as usual, just do not have the guts to do some kinda shoutings and yellings..especially when i think twice it's just not worth it, for someone like you, dude? better to say, i'm just not willing to scratch for scars for such person like you..

in occasions you're to blame for the bluntness you're blessed with and give the credits to whom who has been giving you everything....well, do bear in mind that you sometimes get things which you dont really need it and on the other hand, when you think you deserve something else, it's just not yours..eventually your will to get it turns into hatred..and later on, everything will be messed up..human beings only struggle for their needs and are undoubtly greedy, it's so blatant to see that sometimes we dont really need to have those not-necessary fracas...it's crazy, isnt it..people survive for nothing..if it's not the combat between you and i then this world is filled with colours between he and i..or whatsoever..what's the exact point of it? however far you are, you're still a person who strives for a living..just like anyone of us..nothing special..the only thing that makes it special is you, whether you can poke a unique side of you..

stop it carm, you're going out of your mind! if there's a special song to fix this problem i'd sing it everyday..

Ice-Cream Day!

so there's this somebody by the name of, wenlong, haha..requested to have this kinda title..coz the previous ones were hehe, i admit tht, were kinda depressing..too solemn i guess..u know when you're too into something, you kinda feel sad and down..i dont know why, or maybe it only happens on me..

today's title..is IceCream Day..any surprises? well i didnt eat ice cream just now..i had a slice of white chocolate cake instead..all right, thanks to my friends for that..and coincidently today's my lil bro's birthday..i promised him i'll sing him 50cent's InDaClub...and a kiss on the ChEeK..just for him! i dont know why he wants a kiss from me, haha, same goes to dad..i wonder if my elder brother would want a kiss from me...jet, huh? how about it? lolz..

actually i ate icecream yesterday with..haha..whole family except my mother..coz she has diabetics..aww..i pray hard i didnt get it in the near future..coz it's reaaally depressing..u know, you ought to have to eat some sweetening stuffs to lighten yourself at times, yet once you're infected with this contagious disease..all i can say is that i'm just sorry for ya.. you have to cut down on those kinda food..and your happy days will be less..*pray hard*

funny, today's the very start n the very beginning of my examination and i'm celebrating it..for god's sake, i'm not going school tomorrow..oh hey, i'm just making a wise choice..haha..stick to the thought of me being lazy..coz i'm used to it..haha..to myself i suppose? to some people, i'm hardworking though..but i'd rather you assuming i'm a lazy person coz i'm not too lazy, not too hardworking..teehee...

so here goes the guy thing again, i dont know how to deal with it this time, i'll just let time be the judge..should it be fated, then it is..nothing much to be worried about eh..

gosh, i guess this ice-cream-day title has to come to an end...while i'm blogging, i'm chatting with one of my classmates...just got to know that she has to buy outside food everyday while i can enjoy my mama's dishes everyday!..almost everyday at least...i'm feeling so bad that sometimes i kinda complain my mama's dish isnt salty enough..isnt spicy enough..and so on..and so on!!what's happening??!! why is there to feel that i'm so useless all of a sudden.. carm, you should do something..argh, i guess there's nothing much i could do..sigh..hopefully this girl i know is really happy with her life, that's what she said to me..well, i dont wish to elaborate more on her parents..just that they really do love her..sometimes situation just pushes us a lil too hard..but that's life i know..sigh..

no angel..


i appreciate everything in life...i really do..and have a pleasant ice-cream day, everyone! oh by the way, happy birthday to everyone who's blowing candles today, but of course one special wish from a sister to her brother..happy birthday, ant (he prefers to being called this way, hehe)! well, i know though he wont check out my blog, but it's just a little something from me, hehe..

Independence Day

Independence Day
by Martina McBride.

Well, she seemed alright by dawn's early light
Though she looked a little worried and weak
She tried to pretend he wasn't drinkin' again
But Daddy left the proof on her cheek
And I was only eight years old that summer
And I always seemed to be in the way
So I took myself down to the fair in town
On Independence Day

Well, word gets around in a small, small town
They said, he was a dangerous man
But Mama was proud, and she stood her ground
She knew she was on the losin' end
Some folks whispered, some folks talked
But everybody looked the other way
And when time ran out, there was no one about
On Independence Day

Let freedom ring
Let the white dove sing
Let the whole world know that today
Is a day of a reckoning
Let the weak be strong
Let the right be wrong
Roll the stone away
Let the guilty pay
It's Independence Day

Well, she lit up the sky that Fourth of July
By the time that the firemen came
They just put out the flames and took down some names
And sent me to the county home
Now I ain't sayin' it's right, or it's wrong
But maybe it's the only way
Talk about your revolution
It's Independence Day

Roll the stone away
It's Independence Day

***

Wahai kawan karibku, hari inilah hari kemerdekaan..marilah sambut bersama-sama! Inilah kali pertama kutulis dalam bahasa melayu dalam lamanku ni..harap maaf jikalau bahasaku tidak terbilang..walau bagaimanapun kuingin menyampaikan perasaanku sekarang yang tidak beberapa puas hati dengan sambutan pada tahun ini..kuhanyalah peruk di rumah untuk membaca buku *ketawa terbahak-bahak* dan pada masa yang sama bersembang dengan kawan-kawanku melalui msn..=p khabarnya bunga api yang terdapat di klcc juga tidak sebaik yang diimpi-impikan..baiklah kuberhenti menulis sekarang disebabkan sebab-sebab tertentu yang terpendam..bahasaku ni amatlah merisaukan diriku kerana pada hujung tahun ni kuperlulah menduduki peperiksaan yang disebut spm..haraplah dapat keputusan yang cemerlang..tentulah termasuk kawan-kawanku..

sebelum kuberundur marilah kita bersatu hati menyeru MERDEKA! MERDEKA! MERDEKA!~

blek!

Okay

all right..see i was woken up by an sms..duh..i was rolling on bed hesitating whether it was really time for me to get up..sigh guesss what, i'm blogging right here, right now at the moment....of course i did all the hygienic wash..haha..i'm all full of perfume scent..now..haha..well, a lil' exaggerated but who cares..you're not dropping by to taste me now eh..haha..

i cant believe it's almost time to say goodbye to this one-week holidays..really i dont want to..if only you could stay a lil' longer with a please-stay from me..yeah..if only!! obviously it's not gonna happen..sigh..i havent really started my revision yet..i'm really sorta sick of myself..for wasting too much time on doing something.. well to make things worse, that something is actually nothing..i dont know what's happening inside..but i'll try hard to make it right..

wow, i cant believe i'm in a good mood today! haha..going for a barbeque today..pool party i suppose?? lolz..if you excuse me, i would like to say goodbye..haha..i know i know..i should stop crapping..*zipped*

There's This Thing I Didnt Know

so here i am passing on the baton..well...credits to jet who passed this baton to me but am really sorry that i only get to do it now...that's actually because i havent been on for so long..well..laziness..whtta do..all right..

Total volume of music files on my PC:
approximately 9 GB..

The last CD i bought:
mandy moore, the best of

Song playing right now:
you're beautiful by james blunt

5 songs I listen to a lot, or that mean a lot to me:
fix you. november rain. an honest mistake. inside your heaven. chariot.

Five people to whom i'm passing the baton:
anthony. lienyiny. jteoh. zhenhui. elaine.

i guess i'm just doing this to de-bored myself...useless weih?

Comfort

again here, feeling so slack.. dont feel like moving you know..apparently i'm listening to westlife's album..for once i was their die-hard fan...for once, too, i thought their music were mediocre..right now, a lot of memories traced back from the olden days..actually i must not deny that they actually accompanied me throughout the days when i was having my ups and downs..

how i wish i could turn back the time..but no regrets in life..never will i let myself fall into a condition when everything is hopeless ever again..yeah..you got it right..i have actually gone through a period when the whole world just seemed so grey to me..everything was shattered so badly..i dreaded to stay on that place *trying not to use foul language* but i just couldnt help..it was a total loneliness..there were always someone who cared but you know, i kinda behaved in an ignorant way.. am really sorry for the ones who cared and thankful of course..

why do we have to face failures in life..why are there barricades ahead stopping me from reaching my goal...why cant i just lead a simple life...why does everyone being so ignorant..why do i not have a witty mind..why am i so dumb..why am i so unlucky...why why why and why!





the little voice in my head is telling me that there are always the good things in life..



will they ever walk out on me??

Heartstrong

out of the blue just feel like blogging again..surprisingly today is wednesday and it's kinda strange because ever since some time ago i refused to blog during weekdays or rather schooling days..let's just say today's special..nah..none special occasion in particular..perhaps my heart is taking me to a new direction, a new pathway and here i come, again!

i am getting rid of these blues... it would be the umpteenth time for me to saying that i am turning over a new leaf.. a reborn life and i'm still alive, thank god for this..an official reincarnation i hope and i want it deeply from the bottom of my heart..really..i yearn for my heart to be alive again...starting anew..because a new day has come!

my head's lost but i'm heartstrong!!

Broken

actually there's nothing much for me to blog about, i just wanna post something here..you can call it passion.. you know, me blogging my heart out..it's all true and genuine and real facts.. i would never lie to my own diary or whatever you call it.. i dont know why, i'm so numb..i'm so moody..things just dont go my way..everything is destined to be, i'll just have to face it and live my life to its fullest...i must pamper myself..who knows what's gonna happen to me in a second.. i might be gone.. i might be making my way to knock on this sort of paranormal door.. of course i will not think of doing some idiotic mistakes and you know what i mean..i have a lot more things that i have not accomplished yet.. a lot! somehow i feel extremely down-cast. i have no idea what stikes me but i know there's somehing wrong.. i just cant express it in words..only that kinda feeling..

there was this terrorist attack in london yesterday, i bet everyone has already heard of it, or rather, even saw the video online or the actual attack which was telecast live yesterday on tv.. i missed it and i'm feeling left out because everyone around me seem to have already watched it..

sometimes i just cant make it on my own..

Tasks

it's another week closer to Heaven.. with that pendulum swings second by second, my heart seems to skip another beat.. man it kinda pressures me..oh no, it does pressure me.. everybody is talking about the spm now, and i'm still nowhere to be found in this barren empty space i'm spinning.. anyone please stop me.. for your information, my addmaths tasks have already exceeded the due date man.. never will be done..sigh!!

i am a slacker but i seriously dont think i'm lazy.. am i? shit..

Yahoo!

what a great day i have!! thks!! to everyone and You staring up above, whoever or whatever it is or you are, i am thankful!!

first up i went to school to collect my report book, it was cool.. thanks for my sejarah teacher, mr vejayan, who gave me such big motivation and talked so much good things about me in front of my dad..perhaps those are true..so excited..

and then..got back home and dressed myself up in a rush for the VI's Installation cum International Understanding day.. it was yet again, cool! especially the Danny Gan Project, it was way awesome man!! keep it up yo~ and if i get it right, the Floaters, it was awesome too; they performed well, again if i'm not mistaken, The Bravery's and Pearl Jam's..cool thing!! haha..alrighty, then it was like..the sketch, *laugh out loud* i dont like sketch seriously, but i guess they did a great job coz it actually got the human beings around me laughing like nobody's business..hehe..once again, their refreshment was sponsored by Dunkin Donuts...so..u get it eh..yummy!! hehe..

okayz, i got back right then by daddy's car..haha..and rushed to grandmama's place for her celebration..birthday party i mean..cool man...we took darn lots of pictures..and all the things that most of the parties do, we did it! go figure.. well, this time is a slight different, coz it aint anymore chocolate banana or tiramisu, it's icecream cake this time, *burpp* the 7up gas was like eww, hehe..okok, back to my icecream cake, wow! brilliant and thanks for adding few kgs for me..reeaally appreciate that!! LOL!

pictures are right up! by the way, happy birthday, grandmama!!

Hmm

oh, i was only told today that i got third place in the inter-class debate..not as excited as i thought i should be though..

Congrats!

yeah today's tuesday! haha..so what's up for today? if you are one of my readers in the previous posts, i bet you already have something in mind..about what should be happened or rather, held by now..haha, yupz! you got it damn right, i had my interclass-debate at school today.. hell yeah, it's finally over! phew!

the title of the debate: money is everything. i'm one of the opposition team's members, which is more to my own point of view. i never think that money is, ever everything! it does entertain us by providing us luxuries. we do enjoy the pleasures that can be obtained with the exchange of money, money is, undoubtly, almost everything.. so much that we almost think that money can buy happiness. all right, let's not talk about it, everything has come to a conclusion, hehe.. i'm glad that the debate went on unbelievably awesome, it was really competitive.. i'm contented, partly because i've gained experiences, again.. my passion for debate has arose consciously..hehe.. i wonder if they would be any debates going on in the future.. hopefully i could take part..

personally i think, money is not everything but it does influence our daily routines.. i dont care what other people say, i only think that yeah, it's all about fate and destiny. we are destined to be who we are and what sort of person we are now and of course, money? if you have the ability, i'm sure you could get a well-paid job and a high salary i would say.. com'on, it's about fate; 99% of perspiration and 1% of aspiration eh?

i believe in karma, really.. everything is destined to be.. why fret over things that might or might not happen? or worse still, already happened? do you not think it's too much? and totally ludicrous.. go figure..

all right, so do you want the result? haha, did i mention that i lost in the debate?? hehe.. somehow, dont be upset about it, my dearly comrades.. we've made it emotionally instead... be good, okay? =p

Fate

i've done everything i should, but things just dont seem to go my way, somehow i wont give up and strive my best for the most anticipated examination, spm! i have to stand up as a normal student; it's not that i can have the time-machine with me, so that i could turn back the time.. and even if i do, i will never do that..

experience is a good teacher, but She sends in terrific bills.

i no longer wanna say anything as it would turn out gribberish if i dont take action. i just wish to say, He hasnt been treating me well ever since the day i was taught to crawl... scars will remain, so do my feelings.

im glad that i am not randomly selected for the National Service camp, just yet. fate controls, i am not reluctant to go if ever i am chosen though..

by the way, an interclass-debate competition will be held on next tuesday, wish me luck!

Feel the Vibe!!

well i went out yesterday with my exclassmates, my buddies, i hope.. it was really fun i must say.. the only reason i'm only writing this now is actually because of the time-being, i didnt feel like blogging yesterday and i'm sorry..(to whom?=p) i was really dead worn out; woke up at 8 in the morning and prepared myself to tuition, got back home and prepared for the outing(yahoo!), and took off..

sometimes i really think i take quite long to dress myself up and i just do not know why haha!! i try to be dressed as soon as possible each time, but it'll at least take one and a half hours, maybe it's short for you but i think it's quite abit of wasting the given time we have, im working on it, haha to be able to manage my time well, else really, everything has to be rescheduled.. okay, back to the topic, i was late yesterday but neither one of them has arrived, haha!! com'on, they had transportation difficulties and it was always fine with me coz i could shop for the first round myself.. teehee!!

all right, i do not wish to mention everything in here because i know it will remain in my memories and you, my dear reader, might get a lil bored haha..yeah, we caught a movie,The Interpreter, it was a really brilliant, magnificent movie.. i strongly recommend it to ya, hehe i got a lil emotional but luckily nobody noticed it, haha!!

we met some friends there and crapped a lil while..then went down to Yoshinoya for few bits; some even bought ice-blended mocha..auntie anne's..and stuffs..we had a great conversation over there.. late after that, the guys left us and they were only 4 of us girls sitting there, went on for the innermosts..it was just making me feel like, jeez, not feeling good, that's it..haha.. coz we talked about stuffs..which is close to the future..karma..yeah.. that's unbelievable, isnt it??

i got back at around 9.30pm.. and something really happened.. for your information, something actually happened before this, which im quite aware of, the former happening (haha!!) was like..haha..crappy for me (asking for my number-lah).. nah i'm all confused now.. hopefully it'll reach a conclusion soon, i mean the latter one.. hehe, i really dont know what i want.. just ignore this part if you dont get it.. i only wish to voice it out.. BUT! if u do get it, any opinions are welcome, but mostly for those i've told.. the closer ones..and the one who's involved.. haha..

Words

what day is today? monday, i see. absolutely june i know.

it seems that i havent been feeding my bloggie for quite some time, i do check on it though.. just feel like bringing my blog alive again, so here i am typing word by word and not knowing what i should write... anybody misses me?? hehe, well i've been going out like nobody's business. on the other hand, my tasks are piling up like nobody's business as well.. woohoo guess i should just pick up the pieces and you know what i am gonna do.. but will i? tripping on words, i dont know what's happened to me.. argh!!

few more months to my examinations, tough ones.. i dont dare walk out the door when school reopens, really dont.. standing on the doorway, feel like stepping back.. somehow i know things happen just as it will be..

hey sarah.. sarah.. whatever will be, will be~~

i always have this verse in mind. it keeps me going.. com'on carmen!! should change the lyrics.. and sing in front of the mirror.. guess that suits better eh??

Thankful

i woke up in the morning and i was like, so nervous and totally curious about today's event. you know, i actually went to legend hotel in kuala lumpur for the desa perdana school's international understanding cum installation day. i never expect it to be so much fun today, ya know, most of my friends werent going so i thought i would be quite lonely. but the fact is, teehee, it was awesome man!

apart from that, i lurrve the food man, it was so delicious. well, i think it was the brownies there that actually melted me. i was like gobbling down all my food in my plate for the second round hehe! am i greedy? oh no! look, what's the point if i dont go for second round if it's a hi-tea.. my goodness, my mind is all about the temptatious chocolatey brownies right now but seriously if they actually provide us with the chocolate dressings, i think it'll taste even better, well, flawless then!! phew, it was over! lolz, nevermind about that, next time! haha, crazy, aint i?

my dancing skill was still doing fine but one thing i have totally no idea is that my boy friends actually think i'm wild. sigh, they surely assume me of stopping by the clubs and pubs very frequently, which is something totally wrong all right? and if i do go, i'll have my family by my side. i dont dare make any statements about how my future clubbings session gonn be but ya know, just not now! i'm so pure.. hehhe.. by the way, i'm not sure if i'll go clubbing hehe! taking up dancing lessons, most probably yeah.. lolz! how about that, elaine and lien yiny? haha..

ahh by the way, i did make myself an icy cool peanut abc aka ais kacang (they call it) hehe, it wasnt really sweet but i still enjoyed eating it, it was made by myself all right and it was filled with red beans and peanuts, just imagine! hehe.. not forgetting the corns for sure.. ^^

i just feel surprisingly brilliant with the programmes and activities that i had today; never before attended such international understanding day, tee hee! awaiting for my school's hehe.. and of course, we did take pictures. if you wanna have a look at it, haha i'm doubtful if i should upload it here coz as you can see, i rarely upload pictures these days. another reason why is that the camera is not with me nowadayz, sob sob. hehe..

thanks for willing to spend some time on this article, coz this is quite lame, you know talking all about my gay-ee happenings hehe, but still i wanna thank my friends for asking me to attend and i had great fun!! really enjoyable moments, especially when they played Get Right by J.Lo, just rocked the house man i mean when i was dancing, kekke!

well, i should stop now coz my digested stomach is calling me and worse, my lil brotha is yelling downstairs for me.. so long, take care! ^^

Big Day

• my great grandmama's 91st birthday
• one of my close friends' birthday
• happy wesak day
• happy birthday-z
• ate 2 slices of cake
• what a coincidence
• swing swing swing
• remained silent from 10 to 3
• miss my grandmama up above
• miss my barbie dolls
• i had 4 kindergartens
• i can still play badminton
• swimming rules my world
• i'm in red
• what's left in my piggy bank after the holidays
• desk's a total mess
• wrote a poem
• miss my organ
• music is my lifeblood
• miss you
• dislike people killing mosquitoes
• disappointed with somebody
• hesitant whether to cut my fringe

Concrete Dying Chihuahua

is this a mistake?

i cant believe i'm blogging when i should be nerding my history, hell yeah boring history.. but i had high hopes before the previous papers, just never know why i have such feelings right now..i'm like dropping way under.. things just arent going my way, like they always do. life is so ____. please offer me an adjective to fill in the blank, really i have not any clues on it. i am about to type a word for it, but He makes you to decide for me.

anyone out there, please get me the hell out of this chun-ted place.. my view, my way, my dreams... my goodness, almost shattered. i'm all wretched.

well i went swimming and it was really exhausting which actually made me a dying rose now. i think i'll have to dive into my slumberland soon, but as always, i cant do the things i want. there is always at least something hanging in there, stuck me in there.. i'll have to study, at least a nibble man..why? please give me a reason for..living? no, i shouldnt say that..

whatever man. i need some time alone. again.

perhaps really i am stuck under this roof, everyday, apart from my tuitions, school..and really..nowhere that i'm heading. if i dont go swimming, really what kinda damn life is this? we're brought here at least for a reason but why cant i see that.. all of the people, i dont know why, i just cant go with the flow..i need to hang out... really..

hang out? or hang me up? ridiculous. oh by the way, i'm back?

all stranded. ooh, i'll be gone... i do promise i'll get it right back to y'll soon.

Offline

i've been ill for days. i guess it's recovering. one thing i dont understand, this year seems to be a real hard year for me. i have so much to worry and things are bothering me. actually i think i'm sort of a weakling this year although it doesnt sound right to be voicing out from my mouth but the fact, it is. it's quite ridiculous, you might say it. i dont care, so long as i feel that it's what i am going through. i am strong, it's from a friend of mine. i will remember it. *winkz*

somehow examinations are just around the smelly corner. i could already smell it. the smell is not nice guyz. i kinda already feeel the tension. i guess i wont be onlined for these few days... or weeks? lolz, it's quite impossible for a person like me. i mean for days, perhaps i could. weeks? well, let's wait and see. see if everything goes right and i do Not have to post anything here. or to get things right, something BiG happened to me. i think i would be on then. see yaz!

cheers everyone. and peace out. take care while i'm away.

Learn it

so i might sometimes offend others but that is never truthful, i just want to be heard. have i gone wrong? no matter what i say, it seems wrong to others, all right put it this way, most of the time and i'm here to tell that i hate it. pretty much. i know it's not right to be always exposing the truths, as for your information, we ought to conceal slightly a little from others as to keep them company. we never say things to hurt others because it aint gonn' bring out the beautiful scenario.

all we gotta do is just be patient. ya know, patience! man, it's tough. well, have we had any learning-to-breathe lesson? i guess not. what about patience? i wonder...

Lost vs Omen

i just dont understand why people do things without a particular reason. i guess i am too. that's crazy isnt it? it's common i have no idea what others want but it's darn peculiar that i dont know what i want. please show me the omen... i'm lost inside. and i sort of think that life is totally unfair. i always do not get what i want, instead, i have what i dislike or refuse to have. so life's unpredictable huh?

i guess i need some time all alone. frankly speaking though, it doesnt help much and perhaps doesnt at all heal. i'm only waiting for miracle to happen although i always encourage others to create it but to cross hands waiting... somehow it's easier to be said than done guyz and you know that! argh, i am so dumb and bothered.

Unique

today is thursday. i am quite fascinated because today is a holiday. when i want to get myself to actually feel it, i think of my tasks. to be frank, today is just special. i do not know why because it's so special that i dont have this kind of feeling even during weekends. this is weird. this feeling is impermanent though. i still have my tasks to be completed but i dont feel like doing. my sloth is performing again. gawd please help me.

why do i not know what i should know? i just hope my dreams would not be shattered.

Oh Boy, My Personality?

Your Personality Type
You are an optimist who is often more focused on the past and the future than the present moment. You have an active imagination. You have good hunches and intuitions and people notice that.

Your Motto
"I want to discover the truth in life."

How You Work best
You work best in cooperative, harmonious environments. Competition, a rushed pace, and a strict format for communication don't work well for you. Your strength is your open-mindedness. Your Achilles heel is that you are sometimes too hard on yourself.

Your Life Situation
You are not fully satisfied with your current life situation. It is in your own hands though to change this. Every day you have the opportunity to improve your life situation by making decisions that suit your personality best. Making decisions that suit your personality best benefits all areas of your life: your relationships, your career, your love life, your goals, your family life, and your health. In order to make the decisions that suit YOU best, you need to know your personality well.Learn more about your unique needs and how to shape the environment that suits you best and start making the right decisions today.

Reason Why

why am i sooo lethargicly sluggish??!! haha an easy word, lazy, means it all. we do not even have to think twice.

i am so dumb. well, both are not related i know but someone who's always escaping from the reality and not wanting to complete his/her tasks is me. someone who cant resist the temptation of the damn MSN Messenger, is me. someone who can be sleeping for hours during saturdays and wasted the most apposite day to complete tasks is also the girl who'd rather be blogging than to be doing her add maths tasks! why me??!!

the mid term examination is awaiting just around may. i cannot imagine how the result will turn out to be. hopefully it's what she wants. this girl just took a long hours of nap, long enough to match the hours that she spends on sleeping for her nights. i do not know how she could do well in the upcoming examination unless she decides to change her attitude. now changing attitude is another problem for her too. she has just too many things to handle.

procrastinate is always the best thing she does. no one does better than her. i do not understand the reason why, even until now. phew.

Statue

no one could ever know how i truly feel inside. i have something i've always wanted to tell anyone about anything, but i am not given the opportunity to do so. i have to cross my hands and wait, and wait and still waiting... mind you, it's never my intention to not telling.

apparently i'm missing someone. i wonder that person actually knows if i'm missing him/her. i feel that i'm such a chicken all of a sudden. i dont dare voice out what i want. i think it's most probably influencing myself. others tend to think i dont want to make my own decisions. you've gotta know, i've tried so hard to make but finally i have the answer. wait a minute, i'm hesitating if i should disclose. you guys are probably having a thought in mind that this is actually about courtships or something but think about it thoroughly, could it be? no one ever knows because for your information, i do not always tell my problems to anyone. it could be my bovine stupidity of being such a timid person!! man, i dont even dare face my own life.

my raspy voice is telling me to do what i should but on the other hand, it's still depending on this miss, whether she wanna move forward. no regrets? i dont think so. i was afraid to even call my great grandma when she was struggling to live at the hospital years back. it still lingers in my memory...

should i just do what i wanna do and forget about others just because i'm living my own life? i do not know. and it's never known.

are you who you wanna be?

In the Mood

i am so dangling in the air!! i feel so great right now. you know, with all these changes. i've changed my blogskin to this current inspiring one other than the previous one which someone called it as plain and mundane. forget about it, if you know who i'm talking about. hey, that opinion was actually quite motivating once you've seen this page, i mean you've gotta be an all-time reader of mine to get to know this. all right, enough of that. in fact, i changed because i feel that it's time for a change. you know, from ignorance to wisdom!

cool stuff, i've changed soo darn lots of things in just merely a day. i enjoyed the process of it, really. well..

shrug off your shoulder and forget about yesterday, tomorrow is yet to come!! we spread out our hands to welcome it, and that's happy! i am so in awe without a particular reason. aint it funny? especially imagine this, i'm typing in front of this monitor. hehhe.. i'm going insane.

somehow this feeling is impermanent. indeed, nothing is. we should just remain the incredible power of being appreciative. i do not know what will exactly happen or i mean not even a slight hint of the yet-to-comes so i reckon we should just anticipate. com'on, that's unpredictable isnt it? all right, i was being lectured by somebody else, someone who's worth all my eardrum juices and my time. thanks for right believing all this while.

Brand New

i just wanna post something here coz i feel that i want to do so. i have so much work to be completed yet i'm still here blogging. all right, be it i just wanna runaway from the reality for at least few minutes. i need to breathe. i wanna change; to a new leaf? i guess it's not approriate to use in this situation on account of the fact that i wasnt a defiantly rebellious kid who wanted a new environment. i just wanna change.

i've put aside my homework to be blogging this out, is this a changing course? everybody faces problems but i dont see it. therefore, i take for granted. i think the problems that i'm having now is the toughest to go but in fact it might be yes, might be not. i'm just coming clean.

i'm sad for a moment.

you know, sometimes i feel that i can get along really well with people but too, occasionally i think that they do not really like me, in a sense that i'm being too well, indescribable. surprisingly, i get along really well and feel totally comfortable with people elder than me, they tell me their experiences. and those actually make me more mature. wait a minute, am i mature? my mind is too old for my age, sometimes. i could be naive though, as it's alwalys coming out from my friends' mouths which i do not really agree with but i am not against it too. my lovely buddies help me making decisions all the way; turn me to a more rational person. i wanna thank everyone who has helped me all along. i appreciate that.

i think i wasnt myself though i was. i want a vivid and clear observation of myself from others and myself, most importantly. i cant wait for a new day's arrival. wait for me, i'm coming!

Empty

i am so hungry right now. i havent gone downstairs to check out what i'll have for my breakfast hehe, so lazy to get down actually. i'll probably be getting down after this, else i'll be starved to? hehe.

life is a hassle. my time is all jam-packed. sigh. my homework is much enough to kill my time, i dont even have my own space, i mean to chill. please dont tell me by surfing the net is one of the chilling games. you know, last time when you get to online, it was like the sweetest thing. but that was last time! i dont wanna mention about it, about how time has changed. i'm all with my homework and stuffs. aiks, sort of getting idle right now. pheww.

whenever i blog, my emotion changes. and that's how i feel at the moment. i was so moderate, but now? sighh. that doesnt heal my empty stomach, or maybe i'm just too hungry to write any longer.

love me or i'll be gone, i'll be gone...

In the Middle

i dont know why. i just feel really awkward. i'm like in the middle of everything and not getting any further... i am profoundly uncertain. and i mean really! why does everything go on like that? just wanna know why, i dont expect anything beyond that. of course, i do want the solution but that doesnt seem to be working anyway.

everything i do.. it's like nobody really appreciates it. they just blow me off and leave me hanging in the air just like that, and that's it. i'm tired and sick of it. did i do the wrong thing? my mind is empty except thousands of question marks floating.

where did i go wrong? and what should i do?

then again my uncertainty is driving me all the way mad. i dont even know what i want...

Doubt

11 dayz of strugglings ended the way it should be. im finally back to life again but on the other hand that was just the beginning of the very extreme i know. i feel like having a hard rock placed in my brain and yet it is so darn heavy. i wanna remove it but the truth is my energy forbids me to having it done and out. it's aching.

went out to release stress today but it seems that it was quite depressing in the end; having noticed that my purse was screaming for companions aka the money. i spent so much today on presents and of course for my own. fortunately my buddy spent more and that i could actually find a reason for myself not to be down. moreover, money is just money but happiness is everything and miraculous.

and sadness is? i dont dare mention anything about it. i think my heart wanna stop here.

Just Wanna Live

everything is not right
i wanna scream i wanna weep
no one can make it right
i wanna dream i dream of flying
flying haunts me
never predicted things will turn out to be like this
so sad
look up to the sky everything is still
it's so fake i'm going insane
strandedly stuffed with chaos
my bolster im everything with you
chocolates you enlighten me
failure you're indeed a good teacher
send in blue devils
triumph never wish to be heard
pain and sorrow
nobody knows nobody experiences
shake my head silently
tidal wave drives me off to sea
fire defines inevitably sultry
nowhere to go no one to lie on
hard to watch the time
wake me up when the sun heats up
soulful ride shallow dream
allow me to live through damnable calamity

Craving For You

aww man, the exam finally started today, how i loong for today to arrive. dont you feel weird bout it, after this 2weeks' nightmare or shud i say sweetdreamland, i will have my own excessively wholesome hours to compete and too, i cant wait for it. yet if i really wanna talk about it, there's really nothing much i'll do except hanging out with peeps or studying at home, humorous huh, so you think i'll study?.. i'm kind of speechless at this moment. but somehow time changes, all right? i might be the one who nerd for hours each day, who knows? well, i find it inconceivable as well, what more to expect from the one who's reading this to believe or even have a petty thought of it. kekke, but hey, i will really nerd, for at least this year i guess. it all just depends, on my mood.

there are still 2weeks ahead, how am i gonna struggle through it without your support? please guide me and give a little bit of generosity; hint me some ways to get you. i am totally out of the being initiative kind, so dont put hopes on me. but i really do need you. this is true. LOL. you are the AIR that i breathe, you should really know... hehhe, hang on, dont expect anyone of you to be as important as it described as, you arent! lolz, just joking~

if you know me well and of course reads well with goodie eyesight, you might guess the one who has the force to be in my mind for so long and indeed, stand a very important position.

peace out.

Born to Try

it's in the middle of the chinese new year. i should be very excited but apparently, im not. it's not about stuff which involves gambling or money; it's totally nothing to do with that. i did a personality test few minutes ago, which i have done last year but didnt know the purpose of doing it over again just now; i was oblivious to the fact that it had to say about me last year, not until just now.

perhaps it's about the timing. i started to think deeply. friends i have a whole bunch but when it comes to soulmate, i think i have.. not to say none. perhaps subconsciously i really keep big problems to myself and if you are going to ask me, i have no idea is what i'll have for the question you ask. i dont like to burden people and i dont like others to worry things with me as well. it's not right i guess but i find it hard to open my heart and worse still when it comes to secret between me and another person, who cares if it's a he or she, i really am not going to tell. a lot of people confide in me but why cant i confide in them, as in big problems? i am no cynical, it's not like that. i do have faith in people but it's darn hard to really tell it to someone. small things like guys, luxuries, lifestyles and so on, i do tell. and what you think i have left out, is actually what i am facing. go figure.

a person confided in me; very special person. this person touched me intensely. in the absence of touching or being touched, people of all ages can sicken or grow touch-starved. what do you think? anyway, that person asked me not to tell anyone, i guess i have to keep it to myself again. worse still, it's somehow something slightly related to me. others' problems i like to hear and give my opinions on but, you know life's like that, it's easier to be said than done; when it really happens to you, you really not gonna do what you should do. sigh, i dont know how.

perhaps i am born to try it on my own. keeping big things to ourselves, do you agree?

Dreams

woke up from my sweet nap few minutes ago, i have discovered something. i dont think it's unique enough for me to post a blog on it, but still there's something always urges me to blog about it. something i feel about dreams.

i had a great time napping on my sofa. believe it or not, that place was and indeed, is the coolest place to take nap, not even my bed; my bed will only function well when it's bedtime. the sofa is placed right under the spinning-fan, how cool. i am never gonna go ahead writing about the ambience due to the temptation of it. aww, i feel like napping again.

back to the topic, what is it again? hehe, yeah dreams. i had a few dreams in just a mere two or three hours' nap. it all went well, not until i got to this that i actually feel that whenever we're having dreams or so, we have the right to stop it. yea, that's our prerogatives. well, i sometimes have this bovine stupidity to having a flying dreams, which is a dream that actually scares me and i will always want to get away from it. it is just too strong at times and i cant escape. it is gravely nerve-racking and intimidating most of the time. i was scared, dreadfully. again.

dreams can be wonderful and yet it can be horrifying. apart from the dreams i am referring to, there are still the solid dreams we make along our way. those are our motivations, i guess. everybody dreams. theorectical dreams make a flashback for some particular people whereas the solid dreams are what we can have our control on. it all depends.

remember, dreams may vary. of course, it's up to you. we can never have the same dream twice, in which we can be told by anonymous; we can never cross the same river. therefore, treasure every moments we share with others, including our foes'.

ditto the greetings.

Break!

today's the first day of my break due to the ding-dong festival, chinese new year. hehe, should you ask me how my feeling flows, i think i'll most probably tell you, well nothing much, just sort of excited to have a short break after these few weeks of struggles. it's awesome to be waking up late again. hehe, speaking of it though, i cant really sleep until afternoon, hehe, not suggesting it's a good habit though. it's just weird that i can no longer sleep that looong. is this a good sign?

once i look up, i see my calender. it reminds me of the examination that's approaching toward this lazy mind i'm gifted, feel bad now. hehe, perhaps someone who reads this will assume me of having mood swings, hehhe, i am not. just feeling lazy again, argh, my procrastination chases after me again, please leave me. it's human nature i guess, we can do nothing and we shall just leave it and let it be. this tedious chasing-after does no harm on me!

looking to my left, kekke kii..kii Kisses are on my sight. i grabbed it and ate it. ahha, it's the Hershey's Kisses. what a melting chocolate; melts my heart to the sweetest territory, at the moment.

anyways, merry chinese new year everyone!

Well

i miss my blog. although i have not much to release now, i just feel like blogging something here. just wanna write something. i have no idea what to write though. it's weird eh? but i'm sure if i keep typing with my hands, words will come to me. and i guess i'll surely come out with something. who knows, it might be. maybe not. hehe.

i just wanna say that i'm really exhausted. maybe it was because of my yesterday's over-reaction watching tennis. it was a tough match. and i'm glad that marat defeated roger. i'm just hoping to enjoy a hewitt-safin final right now. it's not too much to ask, isnt it?

well, i think those thoughts have come to visit me again. this thing i'm about to write really have been awhile emerging in my brain, mind or whatever you call that. well, sometimes i think having a really whole bunch of friends can be a problem. no offense though i really think so. you might be having a big question mark in your head now. all right, you know sometimes people tend to think that a person actually has a LOT of buddies and that they eventually dont go and look for them you know, talk to them. they dont because they have in mind that you, actually have a lot of friends and you dont need them to come to you. i guess, this is wrong.

let's put it this way, if everybody thinks the same way then the one with 'lotz of friends' will be lonely. do you agree? it's basically because nobody has the urge to go for them. this is sort of unfair to them. i am always a weird one. i like to make friends with people whom the others think that he or she is well, abnormal? i think this has happened since i was still in my primary school. i dont know why. hmm, honestly not really everyone, of course there are still someone that i dont feel like talking to. this is common, isnt it? i'm still a human, i need to express my hatred or refusal at times too. it's impossible that i like everyone in this world. it's not that i'm introvert or anything like that, but friends who know me truely know that i'm a sociable person, dont i? lolz. i'll leave that to you.

by the same token, it's illogic that everyone likes you the way you are. even the very famous and renowned, albert einstein for instance, honestly it cant be that every human beings in this world stand by his side right? does it make any senses to you? this is just my point of view. my intention of writing this is i seriously have no idea, hehe.

all of a sudden, i kind of doubt my own generosity. you know, i'm not saying that i'm very generous in doing charity or the likes, uhmm well, i dont know. sometimes i just have this feeling that i'm not me, am i really that generous and kind to people? im serious now; not being sarcastic at the moment. i really doubt it. i'm lazy. i admit that but most of the time when i'm in front of my dad; whenever he asks me to do fundamentally anything, i tend to drag it. and eventually, he thinks that i'm not being helpful. huh, i have no words to say. my mother, well, sometimes. keke.

i'm felling so moderate right now. you know, having this stand-fan beside me and i am still wearing my pinafore, having my hair down, having the sun still shining glaringly, i dont feel hot at all. you know it's like, you have to answer this emergency nature's call but you dont have to plunge into the toilet to deal with it. now that's the feeling. i'm not very happy and am not unhappy. hehe, i do smile to myself when i'm writing this coz it's kind of ridiculous to me. i dont know what you feel about it. maybe this post is kind of confusing or too long maybe? i dont know, whatever man!

chill.

No Idea

man, this is way too late. or better to say, early. this is unbelievable, never thought that i could actually stay up so late today (well, early? whatever!) because i am so darn tired. but today (still consider as today for me~!) was brilliant. as well as the day before.

i went for two parties consecutively these two days. whoever it is, i did have fun throughout the days. thanks for the fun i had. i took lotsa pictures with my cousins. keke, all went crazee!! jet, if you're reading this, feel the fun dude! we still miss ya! =) anyways, thanks for the cakes which has put me few kgs on, chocolate banana and tiramisu still linger in my mind.

i think i am still crazy despite the fact that this dummy is still awake writing her blog in the wee hours, so insane; as in into it. i was quite touched just now that there was a friend of mine actually rushed me to upgrade my blog. i'm just speechless right now. i wasnt really bothered about it as i was doing my stuff, but the words seemed to be floating in my mind. until now, yeah. so thrilled. perhaps that person was just trying to crack me up, somehow i take it seriously; funny case.

well, i've trim'd my hair today, just slightly shorter and i feel great with my reincarnated look. another alter ego is born without having my mom pregnant for another 9 months or something. this is crap, it's so late at night and i'm still crapping. what kind of person is this? hehe. argh, cant imagine if my mom ever gets pregnant again. oh no!! haha! i think bar-my is the word now. hehe.

gotta dive into my sweet land now. sweet dreams everyone. =)

Hey

what do ya normally expect from a schoolgirl to write? apart from doing homework, still homework. the teachers are great; they manage to mark our exercises just in time and give out exercises again. perhaps, we should appreciate their liberalities. they are hardworking in terms of our homework, we should also appreciate that and try our best. all right, whatever man! ever since the school started, i have been blogging about my school life, which is quite dull sometimes, hope you would bear with me. i have no signs of cracking any fresh jokes or any interesting stuffs. my mind is blinded by my homework, totally. my life is jam-packed. is anybody gonna set me free from this tension?

latterly i am having problems to write essays on account of my inept adroitness. this is saddening. time is like the pilots, dont wait for anyone. i hate the fact. i must work on something as soon as possible before it's too late to get my grade. well, it's never too late right? phew! holy twaddle, rubbish! it is always too late for me to actually realise that something has gone over the line. time, time, time! i am just too inattentive.

uh, having bad hair days. im gonna trim my hair and start anew. and dont be lazy to reach out your hand for vitamins. remember!

Out of the Blue

i was pumping my head doing my add maths exercises. i felt lazy all of a sudden and turned my face to this computer i'm looking at right now. i clicked on my brother's chinese blog and dared myself to explore it this time. i seldom visit his chinese blog but i just feel like browsing it without his presence this time. i never know why. i always have this feeling when i'm at a loss for words to describe my feelings; indescribable feelings that is. perhaps i have lack of vocabulary or in fact, i am. and now, that is so true. the feeling comes back to me again.

i miss you so badly
i still can't forget you
i dont wanna forget you
i hope you can hear me
the day you departed us
was the hardest day for us
things wont be the same again
without your stories and laughters
grandma i miss you suddenly

suddenly i'm sobbing.
suddenly i'm weeping.
suddenly why am i using so many suddenlys.

nothing lasts forever.

Stepping Stone

clumsy.

forget about the equation, i feel that the word mentioned above is the urge. just in case you happen to be experiencing a day in a life like i did today then you are worth to be laughed; although it's not the end of today, i guess what that has destined to occur on me is more than enough to burst you into laughters. talking about laughters, it sounds sort of exaggerated to me all of a sudden. anyway it is somehow related, at least it's coming from the same family in a sense of involving the same exercise for your mouth.

what happened wasnt just by flicking your hair back and when you turnaround, you didnt realise that there's actually somebody standing in front of you and then, you stumbled and fell. well, just assume that you have a long hair here if you dont. all right, guess i should prep my throat and spill it all out. well, first of all i set the alarm wrongly yesterday night and i never realised it until this morning when i actually woke up for another hectic day.

i thought i was getting late and plunged into the bathroom to wash my face, brush my teeth and all. when i came out from it, i was trying to check how much time left for me to have maybe a slower motion; as in i dont have to rush the hell out of it. and then, i know that i really did not have to rush; guess what, it was merely 4.30am in the morning. a very beautiful morning.

an usual thought of a teenager like me would have the will of diving into bed again, but it wasnt for me today. i guess this is all Fate. hehe, actually i did try that out. i didnt happen to sleep and trace back my sweet dreams again ( well, i guess it was, though i cant remember..) was because of the magical water that has kept me awake; i rolled on bed for half an hour only then that i finally moved! by the way, perhaps i should thank the water for keeping me rolling on bed.

anyway, being clumsy could be one of the methods; if you are willing to spend the time i spent on bed rolling to revise your work, then it is! guess it hasnt fated to happen on me so far.

1 Pillow & A Bolster

how long should i make myself to lie on bed each day? cant sleep without my pillow. and my bolster. and my comforter. hehe, whole set of it. sounds really greedy but everybody needs those. those are not luxuries but our needs; some things we require every night. well, whenever we feel like lying on bed to release our drowsiness or dizziness, whatever you call that. oh, i forgot my dog and my minnie mouse. hehe, i bet those are luxuries eh. *blush*

i am planning. 5ive hours? 6ix hours? it's no way gonna be 8ight coz i will be having this sort of feeling which is not capturing every second of my time well. in a minute, everything can change; in that particular minute might have the slight chance to own a footprint in my history.

i am so motivated right now. no confidence equals to no success.


***
be good. stay happy. take care.

Gosh!

this is the longest illness i ever got infected. i really dont have any words to describe my infection, if you ask me. this is too much! i cant talk smoothly now, let alone to sing. gosh, i cant express myself in a condition like that. pls hint me.

these miss you nights are the longest.

i miss my online dayz man! now that i am back to school, things noticeably have to have a change. i cannot online everyday the way i did in last two months. those were the days. this is the first day that i actually get myself connected to this computer contentedly. it's a really tough year to go indeed. i cannot predict my result but i do believe in determination and motivation. ridiculously, my friend just tried to motivate me. what did he say? he said...he said that he was going to buy me something if i really scored straight As. funny funny. despite knowing the aptitude of myself, i guess the chances are like next to none. but god knows! i am gonna endeavor my best anyway. believe in the old saying; strive hard while the iron is hot! lolz, this phrase reminds me of my alma mater's buddies who wrote that for me. thanks anyway.

i must put much effort in it in order to achieve what i want. i maturely understand that. i gotta learn to face all these on my own, now that i am alone. perhaps i am not now, but soon; is one thing i know. if you get what i mean.

give me my voice back!

First Day

first i got diarrhea.
then headache.
stomach disorder.
after that fever.
fell ill, until?

what the...?!! is this some sort of nerve-racking before school reopens? anyway, hope it goes away soon for it is the first day of nerding days.

a dusty-and-filthy-yet-moderate today. all-in and weary.

Hooray!

never will i ever write the year 2004 in my exercise books again; top right i mean. born at the year of dragon, the chinese astrology says that i'll lead a great year. well, what can i say? lilian too doesnt predict it well and accurate all the time, wait a minute, is this about feng shui aGaiN?? they are a lot of readers who are intrigued by her and also, being her faithful fans maybe? i guess this happens to the adults more. she's going way beyond the limit sometimes i think. wearing the so-called auspicious purple blouse and gives us a talk every year? come on, it's just her doing it. what's with the tickets then? go figure.

the above points out like i have a hatred for her, dont i? lolz. apart from saying what i've just mentioned about her, it'll be a holly crap if i do praise her of her impressive sense of humour. trust me, she's good at it. wondering if i would ever be her buff in any time soon, or in the future? hopefully i wont because i know i shant. *eyes rolling* hehe.

okay, it's the first of january of course, let's wake up to another year!! may all the best be with you! you, my readers! thanks for dropping by and stay tuned for more craps~!